• Member Since 19th Oct, 2014
  • offline last seen Jan 15th, 2017

Fandom Trash Snivy


Just your average Nine Inch Nails fan who occasionally writes horsewords and reviews.

E

Lemon Zest and Sour Sweet decide to open up a lemonade stand one day. As their first day in business drags on, they tackle some pretty senseless customers.


These ponies are two Shadowbolts from the upcoming EG movie Friendship Games.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 10 )

"I was wondering if you sell any grape juice here."
Sour Sweet, a bit ticked off, got up out of her chair. "Derpy, this is a lemonade stand. We only sell lemonade here. Now either buy some lemonade here or be on your way."

:rainbowlaugh: Perfect! :pinkiehappy:

5741714
I meant to make a reference to the Duck Song. Nice catch! :rainbowdetermined2:

5741723 I'm really good at catching references! :rainbowlaugh:

An hour later, Sour Sweet and Lemon Zest's lemonade stand was set up near a sidewalk. It was rectangular prism-shaped, with its back opened so seats could be placed behind. Nailed in the front of the stand was a sign that said 'Lemon Zest and Sour Sweet's Tasty Lemonade'. On the counter of the stand was a tip jar that said 'One glass of lemonade for 25 bits'. Also on the counter was a pitcher of lemonade and ten plastic cups of lemonade. Lemon Zest and Sour Sweet were sitting on their chairs, waiting for their first customers.

25 bits for a cup of lemonade?! But a single cherry's only 3 bits?

Not a good way to fundraise.

I read this as part of an experiment where I randomly read a bunch of new stories submitted on the same day. Okay, good things first: I like light-hearted one-shots, and this ticked that particular box. Lemon Zest and Sour Sweet were decent enough OCs, though I don't see that the bit you spoilered out in your description had any relevance to this fic. It's also pretty decent technically -- only a couple of slight punctuation errors, and not many typos at all. So yes, several positives here.

The trouble is that it doesn't really gel. A big problem is Derpy's portrayal, which is all over the place. For a start, how does anypony make "direct eye contact" with Derpy? Her character in general seems a bit off, too: she's clumsy, yes, but she's not stupid and in this fic she comes across as rather stupid. As Stellar Spiral pointed out in an earlier comment, 25 bits is a huge amount of money for a cup of lemonade, too! Finally, "plot" is a really hackneyed word these days. It might be best to use "flank" instead.

All in all? It feels rushed, which isn't surprising looking at your recent writing schedule. There's some potential here, but to realise it I really do think you should consider slowing things down a bit. One fic every week is a fast schedule for most ponyfic writers. Obviously, this is just an opinion and you're welcome to ignore it, but it's offered as constructive advice. :twilightsmile:

6279402 You're right, of course. I remember realising I'd made that mistake and intending to go back and edit, but something distracted me and I never did. Mind you, as the canon they're based on doesn't really exist yet, they're effectively OCs, just like when people wrote Starlight Glimmer fanfics based on the ads for the S5 premiere. Still, mistake on my part there. Sorry 'bout that.

I-I'm sorry! ;-; Normally I'd say this is a good fic, but... Sour Sweet has been basically defined as a character for me based off o' Nico-Stone Rupan 's Sour Sweet series (Which is amazing), so it was a little odd to see her talk like that..
And, also, it seems the plot might be unfinished. x.x I apologize. I'm not hating! I'm just pointing things out as a hypercritical smart aleck ^-^'

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