Teleology

by Majin Syeekoh

Enter Discord

“And what makes you think this is my fault?”

Discord put his arms behind his back and paced towards Cloudchaser, who trembled at the sight of him.

“Because you’re always responsible when weird shit happens!” Cloudchaser shot back, recoiling when Discord reached her. He examined her up and down, finally grabbing her jaw and studying her face.

“You look familiar… Have I seen you somewhere before?” Discord asked, turning her head this way and that. “I feel like I’ve seen that hairstyle somewhere…”

Cloudchaser smacked his talon away, drawing a smile from his face. “Yeah, when you lured us in to get our magic drained by Tirek!”

“Ah, yes…” Discord backed away. “I remember you. So young and reckless.”

Cloudchaser spat in Discord’s face, the glob hitting its target and trailing down into his beard. “I’ll never forgive you for that!”

“That’s a shame.” Discord clicked his tongue as he wiped the saliva off of his face with a paw. “Because your fearless leader has already done so.”

“And I’ll never understand why!”

“Cloudchaser,” Twilight cut in, “I forgave Discord because he’s my friend. Sometimes friends make mistakes.”

Cloudchaser retracted her wings, stomped over to Twilight, and grabbed her by the shirt collar. “You call betraying all of Equestria a ‘mistake’?”

Cloudchaser’s hand was removed from Twilight’s collar. “Look, I appreciate spirited debate as much as the next pony, but I won’t have any roughhousing going on around here,” Twilight said, narrowing her gaze. “We’re all adults here, right?”

Cloudchaser snorted and crossed her arms. “Right.” She glared at Discord. “And you?”

I looked at Discord, who appeared to be playing with a cup-and-ball. “Ponyfeathers, I can never seem to get the ball in the—” He looked up at Cloudchaser. He blushed and put the paw holding the cup-and-ball behind him. “Oh, right. Adults.”

“So,” Twilight said, “now that that’s behind us, could you tell us why you brought Roger to Equestria, Discord?”

Discord crossed his arms, the cup-and-ball disappearing, and snorted. “Like I said, what makes you think this is my fault?”

Twilight giggled. “Because you’re really the only being with enough power to create such… metaphysical inconsistencies.”

“Please. Just because I’m the resident reality warper doesn’t mean reality doesn’t just warp itself every now and then.” Discord approached me and rubbed my collar between his talons. “That’s a very nice shirt you’re wearing… Silk, is it?”

I nodded dumbly.

“Well, it seems you have better taste in shirts than you do in shoes.”

“The shirt was a gift from my mother,” I replied.

Discord smiled as he let go of my collar. “Well, remember to thank your mother—oh, right, you can’t.”

I hung my head.

“See?” Discord waved his talon at me. “Why would I want to inflict that level of existential discomfort on someone?” he said to Cloudchaser. “What do I look like, a monster?”

“Could’ve fooled me,” Cloudchaser said with a huff as she crossed her arms again.

“Please,” Discord replied, “you’re just uppity about the Tirek thing—”

“—Of course I’m pissed about having my magic drained!” Cloudchaser screamed, her arms at her sides and her chest heaving in and out. “I lost who I was! We all lost who we were because of you!” Cloudchaser pointed at Discord.

Discord snickered. “But everything is right as rain because Twilight and I realized that we were friends. Isn’t that right, Prin-cess Twi-light?”

Twilight took a deep breath. “... He’s right. I didn’t realize what I had until I thought I had lost it. And when Tirek didn’t return him immediately, I thought Tirek was going to kill him. I couldn’t let my friend die because of one mistake, no matter how grievous.”

“So,” I said, “I’m completely lost right now. Can Discord send me back home or no?”

“I’m not sure,” Twilight said.

“No,” Discord said.

“Probably,” Cloudchaser said. “But he’s being a prick right now, so he won’t.”

Discord tapped his chin with a talon. “I’m sensing some tension between you and I, Cloudchaser.”

Cloudchaser flipped Discord off, then looked at me. “I’d bet my bottom bit that Discord has something to do with you randomly ending up here.”

“You overestimate my cruelty if you think I’d cause that level of teleological distress on a sapient being after experiencing it myself.”

Cloudchaser raised an eyebrow. “What?”

“Huh?” I didn’t understand what he was saying, either.

“I think what Discord’s trying to say is that Roger has no purpose here,” Twilight replied. “While earth ponies harvest the land, pegasi control the weather, and unicorns have appointed themselves the guardians of esoteric knowledge, Roger doesn’t fit into the natural order of things. He doesn’t belong here.”

“Which is why Discord should send him back where he came from,” Cloudchaser growled.

Discord chuckled. “You’re assuming I’m capable of such a feat.”

“You are.”

“Are not.”

“Are too.”

“Are not.

“Are too—”

“Stop!” Twilight stepped in between Cloudchaser and Discord, waving her arms. “The two of you sound like foals right now!” Twilight turned to Cloudchaser. “If Discord says he can’t do it, he can’t do it. Can you at least trust him on that?”

Cloudchaser crossed her arms and looked away. “Sure. Whatever.”

I slowly sat back down in the chair, taking in what had transpired. Yes, I was somewhere that wasn’t Earth—and, yes, I didn’t belong here. But the weird creature who claims he didn’t bring me here, despite debatably having the power to bring me here, thought I might have a reason to be here.

Something struck me.

“Discord?”

“Yes?” Discord asked, sipping on a cup of coffee. He looked at Spike. “I usually take mine with cream and two sugars, but this’ll do nicely.”

Spike looked at the cup in Discord’s paw, then back at the tray, noticing it was empty. “Huh.”

I cleared my throat. “How do you know my name?”

“What do you mean?” Discord asked.

Cloudchaser steeled her gaze at Discord. “Were you fucking spying on us?”

“Discord, friends don’t spy on each other,” Twilight said.

I shook my head. “No, it’s not just that. He knows where I live. I haven’t mentioned that since I’ve gotten here.”

“Quite the perceptive one, aren’t you?” Discord let go of the cup, which then floated where he left it. “Well, you see, I noticed your appearance in my domain as soon as you entered,” he said as he walked towards me, “so I decided to take a peek inside the ol’ noggin.”

“You what?” Twilight shouted.

“Let me finish, Princess,” Discord said. “So, I took a peek inside of his skull and figured out his essentials—age, place of residence… you know. But I also implanted a bit of a neural suggestion.”

Twilight leapt up and expanded her wings. “Discord, you know mind magic is strictly forbidden!”

“Told you he was up to no good.” Cloudchaser looked at Twilight, then back at Discord as she unfurled her wings.

“Let me finish,” Discord said with a huff. He then ruffled my hair with his paw. “I simply made him more… accepting of the realities of our world, is all.” Discord looked at Twilight. “Did you know that his world has only one sapient species?”

Twilight’s glare softened. “No, but—”

“Or that he’s a predator on his world?”

“Excuse me, but I am not a predator,” I interjected, stiffening my posture.

Discord facetaloned. “Not like that, you pervert! An apex predator!”

“Oh,” I said, slumping back into the chair. “I suppose, although I don’t really hunt.”

Cloudchaser snorted. “Please. Twilight already figured out that he might eat meat.”

“I do eat meat and I enjoy every second of it,” I said.

Twilight cringed. “Whatever. He seems like a perfectly reasonable pony.”

Discord turned to Twilight, a mad spark in his eye. “Don’t you find that strange in and of itself? That he would be ripped from his home and end up in a world full of an alien species and just be mildly curious?”

“Well, that’s not—”

“Think about it, Twilight!” He then looked at Cloudchaser, who snorted. “Or better yet, Cloudchaser,” he added, a wicked grin slashing itself across his face.

“What?” Cloudchaser asked.

“How do you think you would react if the situation were reversed? If you ended up in a world full of creatures like him? In a world without magic? No pegasi or unicorns, where the weather did whatever it pleased?”

“I’ve been meaning to ask about that, actually—”

“Not now, Roger, I’m on a roll. How do you think you would react if the situation were reversed, Cloudchaser?”

Cloudchaser looked down and to the right. “Um…”

“I’d bet my bottom bit that you’d freak out,” Discord said with a smirk.

“Alright, Discord, you’ve made your point.” Twilight retracted her wings. “I just want to test that hypothesis. Could you please remove whatever suggestions you’ve implanted into Roger’s brain?”

Discord raised an eyebrow. “Well, you’d have to ask his permission first.”

“You just—” Cloudchaser facepalmed “—you just fucked with his head without permission!”

“I object to your unfounded accusation.” Discord smirked. “I did it last night.”

Cloudchaser screamed a whine. “Damn you!”

Twilight held out a hand. “Whatever, Cloudchaser, what’s done is done.” She then looked at me. “Roger, is it alright if Discord removes the mental suggestion?”

I stood up and shrugged. “Sure, why not?”

Discord giggled. “Oh, this should be rich,” he said, snapping his talon.

Everything went black.

I awoke looking at the ceiling, Twilight looking over me and the sound of retching nearby. I sat up and looked to see Cloudchaser on her hands and knees, a puddle of vomit underneath her muzzle. I then looked at Discord, who was smirking.

“What happened and why are my pants wet?”

Twilight sucked air through her teeth. “Well, Discord removed the mental suggestion. You then looked around, let out a violent scream, wet your pants, and passed out. The scent of your urine made Cloudchaser vomit.” She then turned to Discord. “Am I missing anything, Discord?”

Discord chuckled. “No, that about covers it.” He grabbed the cup of coffee and took a sip.

“Well, I guess some suggestions are better than others,” Spike offered.

Discord nodded as he took another sip of his coffee. “Indeed.”

“Okay...” Cloudchaser wiped the vomit trail from her muzzle and stood up. “You’ve made your point. Now remove the piss from his pants because it smells horrible!”

“You overestimate my powers once again, Cloudchaser,” Discord said.

Cloudchaser retched. “So we have to deal with that disgusting stench?” she asked. “No offense, Roger, but your piss smells horrible.”

“Trust me, I don’t enjoy having piss-soaked pants either.”

“Doesn’t one of your friends specialize in making clothing, Twilight?” Discord asked as he finished off the coffee, the cup disappearing when he snapped his talon.

“Discord, where’s the—”

“It’s in the sink.”

Twilight nodded. “But couldn’t we just wash his pants?”

Discord inhaled sharply. “And curse him to wearing the same thing day in and day out when you all get to wear different styles as the mood suits you?” He shook his head. “Oh, no, I’m afraid that won’t do at all. Think of the social hit he’ll take for wearing the same clothing every day on top of looking like he does.” He waved his paw at me. “Do you really want to do that to the poor soul?”

“... How long do you think I’ll be here?” I asked.

Discord grinned. “Remember what I was saying about purpose before?”

I nodded.

“Good, at least you can listen. Well, for whatever reason, reality decided to spit you out here. That must mean there’s a reason for you to be in this world, because you don’t just get spat out in random places without a purpose.”

I blinked. “Maybe it’s to fix Twilight’s computer.”

Discord raised an eyebrow. “Do you know anything about vacuum tubes?”

“What?”

“I thought not. Besides, Twilight already has a repairpony on call for these sorts of things.” Discord shook his head. “No, there must be something uniquely about you being you that makes you special. Whether it’s the feet, the lack of muzzle, or the inability to do magic, I can’t say for certain.” He rubbed his chin and hummed. “But I’m almost positive that once you do whatever you were sent here to do, reality will figure out a way to send you back home.”

Cloudchaser gritted her teeth. “You seem to know an awful lot about something you weren’t involved in.”

Discord chuckled. “Merely conjecture, my dear pegasus—”

“I’m not your dear anything.”

“It’s just a turn of phrase, no need to get uppity.” Discord turned to Twilight. “Now, don’t you have a friend who specializes in stitching together fabrics of all kinds?”

Twilight blinked. “You mean Rarity?”

Discord narrowed his gaze. “No, your other friend who owns a clothing business.”

Twilight looked down. “But I don’t have—oh!” She giggled. “You were being facetious.” She walked over to the table and scribbled something down on a piece of paper, then handed it to me. “This should explain the situation to Rarity.”

“But… I don’t have any money.”

Twilight smiled. “That’s fine. I’m sure Rarity could find something for you to do to make up the cost.”

I shrugged. “As long as it isn’t anything weird, I guess…”

“Hey!” Spike glared at me. “Rarity isn’t like that!”

“Calm down, Spike.” Twilight waved a hand at Spike. “I’m sure he was just talking theoretically.” She hummed. “That does bring up something else, though.”

I looked at Twilight. “What?”

“Well, you don’t really know anything about how Equestria works. You’ll be completely lost navigating it without some kind of help. And with that,” Twilight said, glancing at Cloudchaser, “I assign you, Cloudchaser, to be Roger’s friendship liaison!”

Cloudchaser flicked an ear and blinked. “What?”

Twilight clasped her hands together. “Friendship liaison! It’s a position I just made up myself where you’ll aid someone—Roger, in this case—in interacting with Ponyville and its natives without causing too much of a stir.”

Cloudchaser looked down and hummed. “Alright, I guess I could do that… But what about when I’m training with the Wonderbolts?”

“Hmmm.” Twilight rubbed her chin, then her eyes popped open. “Then your sister Flitter could help him.”

“Uh huh.” Cloudchaser crossed her arms. “But Flitter hates Roger.”

I raised a finger. “I wouldn’t say—”

“She hates you, Roger.”

“Oh.”

Twilight gave a toothy grin. “Then she’ll just have to get over herself in the name of friendship!”

Discord snickered. “Nice to see you acclimating into your new position so smoothly. Twilight.”

“Don’t mention it!” Twilight said with a titter.

Comments

[The Blessed One]

This is too hilarious to not have a Comedy tag.

Also, will Mr Roger be having a romantic interest in this story? It seems to have that "I'll never fall in love" feel to it. It would be ironic if Cloudchaser actually started liking him, considering how different the two of them are. It would even work reversed.

Though, I could be the only reader of this story that has a love for romantic sub-plots.

[Moongaze14]

Funniest chapter yet.

[Knightwolf1875]

Oh dear Luna I'm so looking forward to the next chapter.

[FanOfMostEverything]

Oh. Well, that certainly explains the lack of culture shock. Of course, now Roger has to walk around smelling of ape urine; that's not going to earn him many friends. (I'm split on Discord being unable to offer laundering services. On the one hand, cleaning things isn't exactly a priority of his magic. On the other, this seems like the exact sort of thing he'd find hilarious.)

That said, Twilight seems a little... off. She's used sarcasm often enough to be able to recognize it. I suppose she could just be distracted by this new, exciting friendship problem, but given that apparent inconsistencies have deeper reasons in this story, I'm not sure if that's the case.

[Majin Syeekoh]

5946785 Yes, this is the exact sort of thing Discord would find hilarious.

And Twilight's been up all night. Cut her some slack.

[Silentwoodfire]

This is different, and moving rather fast too, but its fitting the theme of your writing that it can be overlooked.

Lets see where this all goes.

[The Lunar Toaster]

God damn it, if you don't make another chapter now... I'm putting this into the RFS for now until you make another chapter.

[That Sun Praising Author]

Update plz

[bloons3]

For being so lighthearted it's surprisingly serious.

[IcefireInfinite]

I raised a finger. “I wouldn’t say—”

“She hates you, Roger.”

“Oh.”

That "oh" is the most defeated sounding thing ever.
I love how I can tell.

[TheUndeadEmpire]

Rip