This Isn't My Bathroom
This was not my bathroom.
It appeared, in fact, to be a modestly sized home—the living room of one, at least—with a green couch and matching easy chair surrounding a coffee table while a record player sat on a table in the corner of the room. The living room itself seemed to have a hallway that connected to the rest of the house.
“Hello? Is anyone there?” I heard a deep feminine voice ask, accompanied by the sounds of unusually heavy footsteps.
My legs locked in place as the footsteps entered the room and revealed their owner, a surprisingly human-like… horse, person, thing.
Well, let me explain.
The woman (?) was bipedal, but had a roundish muzzle and a coat of greyish-purplish hair covering her body, as well as white hair that extended down to her shoulder and about… we’ll say eight inches above her head in spikes, extending above her strangely equine ears. She also had round hooves in place of feet and wore a white nightie.
She was as surprised to see me as I was to see her. She stared at me and blinked. I returned the gesture.
She then crouched down, narrowed her eyes, and extended a pair of wings—which I honestly didn’t notice before—to an impressive length.
Well, I wasn’t sure how impressive it was, never having met a creature like her before, but it was impressive to me nonetheless.
She snarled. “You have until the count of three to tell me what the hell you are and what the fuck you’re doing in my house!”
Shit. What do I tell her? That I had no idea how I got here and was just as flabbergasted as she was? Do creatures here usually react so poorly to intruders in their home? You know what, I’d probably be pretty miffed if someone had broken into my house as well.
“One.”
Oh yeah, the countdown. She was going to do things to me if I didn’t come up with an explanation of why I was in her home. Probably very unfriendly things, judging by her posture and facial expression.
“Two.”
Why wasn’t I able to say anything? I need to say something. Anything! Quick! Say the first thing that comes to mind, before she—
“Thr—”
“Can I use your bathroom?”
Previously crouched low, she slowly stood up as she raised her eyebrow and scratched the back of her neck. “... Really? Why didn’t you just piss in a bush?”
I shrugged. “I’m not… much of a bush pisser.”
She snorted. “Heh, I like that.” She pointed with one of her wings down the hall. “First door on the left.”
“Thanks.” I nodded and went to the bathroom to relieve myself.
After relieving myself, I re-entered the living room to find the horse-woman still standing there, examining me as I went to the front door and opened it.
My apartment was not on the other side of the door.Instead, there appeared to be a small village on the other side of the door. I blinked, closed the door, and turned around to face my host.
“Where are we?” I asked.
She snickered. “Dude, you wasted or something? You’re in Ponyville.”
“Uh huh...” I slowly nodded and sat down in the easy chair. “And what’s your name?”
“Cloudchaser. You want something to eat? You don’t look so good.”
“Sure, Cloudchaser.”
Cloudchaser headed down the hall, returning with something wrapped in tin foil in her hands. She threw it into my lap, whereupon I opened it. It appeared to be a burger of sorts.
“This looks like a burger,” I intelligently noted.
“Yeah,” Cloudchaser said with a smirk, “a hayburger.”
I froze before the hayburger entered my mouth. “Did you say… hayburger?”
Cloudchaser nodded. “Yeah, so?”
“Hayburger,” I repeated, “as in… a burger whose patty is made of hay.”
Cloudchaser shrugged. “I don’t see what the big deal is. Everypony eats hayburgers.”
I stared at the hayburger, having just learned that it was made of hay. I lifted the bun, noticing ketchup and onions on the hayburger. I then put the bun back in its place.
I was faced with a dilemma: Either turn down the hayburger in accordance with my biological functions and risk insulting my host, or eat the hayburger, appeasing my host and risking indigestion.
Well, my course of action seemed clear.
I smiled. “Thank you,” I said before I took a bite of the hayburger, noting that it indeed tasted like hay.
What did you expect me to do? Cloudchaser could probably kill me without even trying and she let me use her bathroom.
I forced down the hayburger as best I could while Cloudchaser continued to study me. She then headed for the door.
“Listen… I don’t think I ever caught your name.”
“Roger,” I replied.
Cloudchaser snorted. “Roger, that’s a weird name… Well, Roger, I’m going to get someone whose weird shit-o-meter can handle this right now, because mine certainly can’t.” She grasped the doorknob and looked back at me. “You won’t choke on anything while I’m away, will you?”
I shook my head, still trying to eat the hayburger. I didn’t appreciate my intelligence being insulted as such, but maybe I gave off that impression by not knowing about this Ponyville or hayburgers.
I don’t know. I’m the one sitting here eating a burger made of hay.
“Alright. Cool,” she said as she opened the door, extended her wings, and took to the air, seemingly forgetting to close the door.
I stared at the door while I continued to eat the hayburger. I probably should have stopped eating it now that she wasn’t present, but I didn’t really want to waste the food. Plus, I could only imagine the indignation that Cloudchaser would feel if I had thrown her hayburger into the trash.
And despite being made out of hay, the seasoning made it almost palatable.
So I finished the hayburger and stared at the door. This was rather strange. Rather strange indeed.
I just hope I can go home soon. The way I came in seems nonfunctional.
After about twenty minutes of me doing absolutely nothing, Cloudchaser returned, flanked by a similar creature wearing a golf shirt and khakis, whose body hair was a light purple. Cloudchaser and her… friend, I guess, entered the house, when I noticed that the purple one had a horn sticking out from her purple bangs. She turned to Cloudchaser.
“This is the creature?” she asked.
Cloudchaser nodded.
She hummed, walked towards me, and extended her hand with a smile. “Hi, I’m Twilight Sparkle. Nice to meet you!”
I quickly stood up, dusted myself off, and shook her hand. “Roger Schwartz. Pleasure’s all mine.”
Twilight nodded and pulled her hand back. “That’s fine. With your permission, I’d like to examine you, this being first contact and all.”
I raised an eyebrow. “First contact? What do you mean, ‘first contact’?”
“Well, it’s just that we’ve never seen a creature like you before and I’d like to get some data on your species.”
I felt a cold hand grip my heart. That didn’t give me much hope for going home anytime soon.
I swallowed hard, being in the weaker position. “Well, examine away.”
Twilight grinned manically as she entered my personal bubble and grabbed my head, twisting it this way and that. “Well, the neck seems to have standard mobility.”
Twilight then grabbed my jaw and pried it open, poking at each of my teeth. “The dental composition of the mouth seems to suggest a carnivorous or omnivorous diet. Would that be correct, Roger?”
I nodded, her fingers still in my mouth.
“That’s nice,” Twilight said with a grin. She removed her hand from my mouth and gripped my hand, bending each of the fingers in turn.
“It seems odd that your species would develop hands,” Twilight mused as she felt the lack of muscles in my arm. “Then again, I suppose hands are the mark of an intelligent species.”
“I suppose—”
I grunted from being poked in the stomach. Twilight was getting rather touchy.
“Definitely not an apex physical specimen, if equine physiology is any marker to go by.”
“Hey, I can bench press, like, a hundred pounds!”
Cloudchaser laughed. “Really? I can bench three-hundred with my wings!”
“Well, you’ll have to excuse my lack of wings.” I glared at Cloudchaser. “I’m sure I could bench press that much with my wings if I had them.”
“Actually,” Twilight said as she stepped away, “judging by your physical make-up, you probably couldn’t. Cloudchaser here has been accepted into the Wonderbolts and, honestly, you seem barely capable of weather management… or any physical activity, really.” Twilight looked me up and down. “What do you do all day?”
“I… uh…” I trailed off, unsure of what to say. I eventually decided honesty was the best policy. “I fix computers.”
Twilight beamed. “That’s great! You see, I have a computer in the basement where I used to live. Could you take a look at it for me tomorrow?”
“... What do you mean tomorrow? I kind of want to go home.”
Twilight looked down and rubbed her chin. “Well, hmmm… that’s a bit of an issue.”
“Why?” I raised an eyebrow.
“Because I don’t know where you live.”
“Well, give me a map, I’m sure I can find it!”
Twilight shook her head. “Look, Roger, it’s late. Just get some rest, and we can go over some maps tomorrow. That sound good?”
“That sounds… acceptable,” I replied. “Where will I stay, though?”
“If it’s just for the night, I can put you up,” Cloudchaser said.
I nodded at Cloudchaser. “Thanks. That’s very gracious of you.”
Cloudchaser smiled. “No probs. I’d expect you’d do the same for me if I woke up wherever they’d come up with a weird name like Roger.”
“I’ll have you know Roger is a perfectly acceptable name where I come from.”
Twilight grinned. “Well, now that that’s taken care of, I have some sleeping that needs attending to,” she said as she rubbed her eyes. “Good night, then.”
With that, Twilight exited the house and closed the door behind her.
Cloudchaser looked at me, then headed off down the hallway. She returned a moment later with a comforter and pillow and threw them on the couch. “Well, it’s not a bed, but it’s the best I got.”
I moved to the couch. “This should do fine for now. Thank you.”
Cloudchaser stretched her arms and wings. “Well, if we’re done talking, I’m a bit tired, too. Night.”
“Night.”
Cloudchaser presumably went to her room, leaving me alone with my thoughts. Like where on Earth was there a colony of humanoid equines with names that sounded like they all had hippies as parents and why they all seemed to have wings. That purple one, Twilight Sparkle, had a horn, too.
Whatever. It was too much to think about and I was tired. Maybe tomorrow I can go over some maps and figure out a way home.
I awoke to gentle prodding. It appeared that these equines had no sense of personal space.
The laborious process of opening my eyes revealed what I thought to be Cloudchaser at first until I saw the turquoise hair extending down past her shoulders and nowhere above her head. She was wearing a bathrobe and a quizzical expression as she continued to prod me.
I looked up at her. “Why are you poking me?”
She squeaked and pulled her hand back. “Holy shit, it talks!”
“Of course I talk.” I sat up and looked her in the eye. “And what’s your name? Moondancer?”
She snarled at me. “No, it’s Flitter,” she said as she flexed her wings slightly.
I quickly disengaged eye contact, not wanting to offend her any further. “Sorry. I’m not much of a morning person.” I looked around the room, trying to think of a topic of conversation. “So, I, uh, met your roommate last night.”
Flitter snorted. “Oh, you mean my sister? What’d she do, bring you home and fuck you?”
“That sounds more like something you would do, Flitter,” Cloudchaser’s voice called out from behind me. I turned my head to witness her hunched over a bit and rubbing the sleep out of her eye.
“Hey! I’m a liberated mare and am allowed to do what I want with my body!” Flitter shot back.
Cloudchaser shrugged. “A slut by any other name is just as loose.”
I turned to face Flitter, who turned her head away and crossed her arms.
“So, how’d you sleep last night, Roger?” Cloudchaser asked.
“What the fuck kind of name is Roger?” Flitter scoffed.
I gritted my teeth and faced Cloudchaser again. “I slept well, thank you. Yourself?”
“Eh, alright. Why don’t you come into the kitchen? I’ll make breakfast for the three of us because you’re a guest and Flitter can’t cook for shit.”
“I can cook great, thank you very much!” Flitter said.
“Yeah, like when you set the stove on fire last week and I had to pull in a cloud to put it out,” Cloudchaser said, punctuating her sentence with a giggle-snort.
“Wh-whatever,” Flitter said as she walked past Cloudchaser down the hallway.
That… seemed to be an odd turn of phrase. Pull in a cloud? I seemed to recall hearing something about weather management last—
“Roger.”
I looked at Cloudchaser. “Yes?”
She pointed with a thumb down the hallway. “You coming or not?”
“Yeah, sure.” I quickly stood up and followed Cloudchaser down the hallway into a small kitchen that had all of the normal accoutrements that one would expect from a kitchen. Flitter was eyeing me at she sat at the table, where I took a seat.
Cloudchaser opened the refrigerator. “So, you eat eggs?”
“Yeah, I eat eggs.”
“Good, ‘cause that’s what we got,” she said as she pulled out a carton of eggs and put them on the counter. “How do you like them?”
“Scrambled is fine.”
“I want my eggs poached,” Flitter said.
Cloudchaser groaned. “It’s eight in the morning. I’m not fucking poaching your eggs!”
“Some sister you are.”
“Shut up! I’ll make yours sunny side up, okay?”
Flitter smiled. “That sounds great.”
Cloudchaser cracked a few eggs into a bowl. “Don’t know why you couldn’t just have them scrambled like the rest of us.”
Flitter seemed to ignore her sister as she fixed her gaze on me, appearing to examine my features.
“Your face looks weird,” she said.
“Well, you’re not exactly the model of attractiveness on my end,” I replied.
Flitter recoiled. “How rude of you! I’ll have you know I’m one of the prettiest mares in town!”
“Well, while that may be true, you’re not attractive to me.”
“Whatever. You just don’t know true beauty when you see it.”
“Flitter, he’s a different fucking species than us.” Cloudchaser put the scrambled eggs on a plate, grabbed a fork, and setthe plate and the fork in front of me. “Here ya go.”
I nodded at Cloudchaser. “Thank you.”
“No probs,” Cloudchaser said with a smile.
“Where are my eggs?” Flitter whined.
Cloudchaser groaned. “They’re fucking coming! Celestia, you’re such a bitch in the morning.”
So Celestia, whatever that is, is a deity among these beings. Best I file that away for the future.
After a few minutes of Flitter staring at me uncomfortably while I ate my eggs, Cloudchaser came back and slammed a plate in front of Flitter. She then took a seat at the table with her own plate of scrambled eggs.
Flitter smiled as she picked up her fork. “Thanks, Cloudy!”
“Whatever,” Cloudchaser said between mouthfuls of eggs.
A moment of silence pervaded the air as we all ate our eggs in peace, Flitter still sneaking peeks at me. I did my best to ignore her. Maybe changing the subject would help.
“So, what do you call yourselves?” I asked.
“What do you mean?” Cloudchaser replied with food still in her mouth.
“Like, what species are you?”
Cloudchaser snorted. “Man, you really aren’t from around here, are you? We’re ponies.”
I nodded as I finished my eggs. “Alright, sounds reasonable. So, uh, what do I do with the plate?”
“Just throw it in the sink. Flitter’ll wash it.”
Flitter glared at Cloudchaser. “Why the fuck do I have to wash this asshole’s plate?”
“Because you’re washing all of our fucking plates. One of us cooks, the other cleans, remember?”
“Oh, right,” Flitter said, blushing.
Cloudchaser finished off her eggs, grabbed both of our plates, stepped away from the table, and put them in the sink. She then looked at me. “Hey, Roger, I’m going to put on some better clothes so we can go to Twilight’s castle and see what she needs your help with. Sound cool?”
I blinked. “Did you say castle?”
“Yeah, you dumb shit, she did,” Flitter said as she chewed. “It’s like you’ve lived under a rock your entire life or something.”
Cloudchaser glared at Flitter. “Don’t fucking mouth off to our guest.”
“I’ll mouth off to whomever the fuck I want.” Flitter flipped Cloudchaser off. “Plus, he smells bad.”
Cloudchaser grunted, clenched a fist, and flexed her wings a bit. “I’m asking nicely. Please be polite to our guest.”
Flitter grunted in return. “Fine.”
Cloudchaser smiled weakly. “That’s good to hear. Now I have to get dressed,” she said before she walked out of the kitchen.
Flitter finished her eggs and started at me. “You do smell bad.”
I lifted up my arm and smelled my armpit. I was unable to smell anything because I finally noticed the stench of farm animal that infected the atmosphere.
“You know, you don’t smell so good to me either.”
Flitter laughed. “I’m sure you weren’t saying that after you fucked my sister.”
“What?” I glared at Flitter.
“You heard me,” Flitter said with a wicked smile on her face. “That’s why you were in the house, wasn’t it? Cloudchaser just had to get some of that strange and—”
“We didn’t have sex.”
She snorted. “What? You just appeared in our house in the middle of the night?”
“... More or less.”
“Bull. Shit.”
I shook my head. “Look, I don’t even find ponies attractive.”
“I’d believe that if I didn’t notice you burning holes in her ass with your eyes.” Flitter smirked.
I felt my face heat up furiously. It appeared that my biological programming had betrayed me.
Flitter leaned over the table. “Admit it. You find Cloudchaser hot.”
“... Not really.”
“Then why were you ogling her like a piece of meat?”
I looked up as I searched my brain for the correct way to word this. “Because… Um… Her butt shares… certain similarities with the females of my species... that… make its shape visually appealing.”
“So you like my butt.”
I turned around to see Cloudchaser smirking at me, her arms crossed, wearing a mauve tank top and camouflage cargo pants.
“You heard that?”
Cloudchaser snickered. “Yeah, at the end.” She stretched her arms and yawned. “Honestly, I’d be more worried if you didn’t like my butt. I put a lot of effort into keeping my body in tip-top shape.”
I nodded, my face still burning. “Then… could you tell your sister that we didn’t have sex?”
“What?” Cloudchaser facepalmed. “We didn’t fuck, Flitter.”
Flitter leaned back and crossed her arms, her ears twitching. “Fine. I believe you.”
Cloudchaser slid her hand down her face and groaned. “Seriously, Flitter, not everyone’s you.”
“Well, they should be.”
“Whatever, I’m not getting into this with you.” Cloudchaser looked at me. “You ready to go to the castle?”
I stood up. “Sure, whenever you are.”
Cloudchaser grinned. “Alright, let’s head out!”
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And here we go!
And here we see the rare instance where the anthro tag comes into play, but the story isn't mature.
Oh yeah, and it stars Cloudchaser. That immediately makes it awesome.
I find the Pegasi twins' personalities interesting. Don't see many fics where the girls act rudely yet are still friendly with others.
5701510 Yes. I'm trying a thing.
5701528 Indeed. Not everyone is nice to everyone all the time.
5701338 Bad seed! :3 just want to say hi and you were the first fanfic i read here and the one to get me into fanfic reading
ps liking the story so far... i know Majin Syeekoh is wrighting it i just pic a story at random.
5701551 I've read a few of Bad's stories myself.
They're amazing, aren't they?
...This...is interesting to me.
5701625 ya makes me want to try to wirght my own stuff but i was always bad wrighting
5701741 Well, practice makes perfect, as they say.
My first stories on the site weren't anything to write home about(although my mother would tell me otherwise[on a side note, never trust your mother to preread your stories]).
5701702
How so, if I may ask?
5701749 For one, you used the twins, second you made him calm, not to mention the twins are taking this pretty calm as well. A bit rare in HiE.
5701761 Cloudchaser for life.
5701771 I see.
5701551
Well thank you!
May I ask which story of mine you read? And I hope you enjoy Maj's story here! It's going to be a fun ride. :)
5701965 It was Tangled Roots I think that was the first of the story line.
It got me into reading fanfic and reading... period. And that's a big thing for me for having dyslexia.
I used to hate to read because of school and all the "good" stuff that came from it.
So I would like to thank you for showing me all the bad ass story I was missing out.
I'm still bad at reading and I use google translate a LOT but I still try.
5702193
You're welcome! I'm honored that my story got you into reading.
I hope you enjoy some of my other stories, and Majin's as well! He has a lot of great ones. 
Because these odd creatures are obviously just Canadians. Looking at a map will tell you exactly where you are.
So Majin Syeekoh how would I practice writing?
)
Because I would like to try it but I have no idea how to start.
( don't know why it took me so long to ask because I was sitting here jumping from youtube video to video trying to procrastinate from reason.
5703447 ...just open up a document and write.
5703450 aww man i was hoping you would tell me some secrets that would blow my mind
Well... off to an interesting start to say the least. Calmness abounds, which is strange, yet very intriguing.
It also has my favorite twins, that helps.
Have a Like and Favorite from an old blessed man.
Edit: I am Like number 13. Now I know that is confusing, but I had liked this before I had read it by mistake. But, it proved more than worthy of my Like.
5707687 Thank you.
I appreciate it.
I bet they do a lot of fucking because of desperation and how many times they use the word fuck
Let the fun new life begin!
I like the sibling banter there - Well done.
5709138 Thank you.
Umm... after eating hay... shouldn't he have massive diarrhea or something?
Jesus fuck, what the hell is up with the gratuitous cussing and everyone being a creep? Tone that shit down, will ya?
5711411 Maybe not Equestrian hay. For all we know so far, it could be as healthy as quinoa while still tasting like hay.
not bad so far. will fallow for now
5711411 Probably not. Once you've messed with hay enough to turn it into a reasonable facsimile of a burger it's pretty much pre-digested for your convenience.