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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I was about to go to sleep...
Story update!
You're a jerk for making me stay up this long!
This chapter felt strange.
The writing was... um... patchy? Some sections lacked care and detail, while other parts were written well. I dunno... Perhaps you're trying to tell us that you prefer to write vivid and sharp scenes (only) if they're accompanied with something sexual/sensual?
*rubs head*
If it's any consolation, the song was much better than the lumberjack one...
Like always, thank you for taking the time to share your story.
I find these ridiculously long and relatively fast updates quite impressive. This was once again an enjoyable read :D
Now, if only Sweetie Belle spies on Rarity's date...
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Very interesting ideas! I like the idea of a positive feedback loop. That sort of makes sense. The ponies are definitely not the same as humans though, so the question of how their inherent nature differs is still a valid one to make. That's the amazing thing about this show, is how much they get us to anthropomorphize these strange creatures, enough that their significant differences become identifiable instead of alienating. Where else has anyone managed to make flowers look appetizing! You watch that entire Cutie Pox episode, and then the second time around you're like "woah, that loop-de-hoop has been sideways the whole time!" At least, that's how I saw it.
Her parents are d
eeeeeeeeaaaaaefinitely conspicuously absent. This actually is intentional and not just my irrational fear of Manitobans. Whether it's a good intention is still up in the air.I really hope I can hold a candle to the terrible struggle those caring for an invalid have to undergo. It's not really the point of the story though, amazingly enough, and you probably already noticed Notbelle recovering much faster than someone with real brain damage. That's intentional too, but I don't really think I can do justice to the difficulty of caring for the disabled, given what I'm trying to write here. Rarity has only had to deal with it for four days now, and Sweetie's already practically walking again.
...just the image of Rarity getting into the bathtub is... well, fimfiction doesn't allow us to cache emoticons so I can't really pick out the whywubwoo face. Poetry in motion!
This "guy" is a lot like me, in that she has some very messed up notions about sex, and nobody has ever bothered to correct her, so it just got worse. I like to think that I'm not as bad, but... well, it is hard to deny something you suspect, when literally nobody ever tells you you're wrong. Doesn't matter if it's because nobody cares about you; the perverting effect of social neglect can be quite profound. But it's a little different when a guy changes into a girl I think, because the lucky victim also has the anxiety of pregnancy and rape to deal with. Even the most innocent gestures can seem like innuendos when you've got consequences like that to worry about. Besides, if I had it be a girl who turned into Button Mash, I'd just have the physiotherapist do that mounting position to help him learn to walk around, or inadvertantly showing off her amazing mouth skills, or something. Seriously, have you even looked at my other story? No, no don't look at it, trust me.
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Sounds like quite an ordeal!
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You seriously want to risk beaming into a world that I played a part in designing?You awaken, prepared to bring the hurt on for an evil body snatcher also you are a bushwoolie.
She also likes trains!
5922593
Yeah I jumped around a lot. I wanted to spend more time on the post-realization part of the therapy but it was just getting too long. I don't want my chapters filling up with just a single half of one day, even if it is an important one. She isn't nearly as preoccupied with her gonads when not around athletic older men, so it shouldn't be as prominent in the next chapter until the end
Really, I described the feel of the surface of his hoof more than anything. Not exactly a sexual experience. Protagonist only interprets that as sexual because she's so terrified of sex, she's seeing sex in everything. (Even apple carts.)
What parts would you like to see more detail in? I could cut out some of the overdramatic hyperventilating maybe.
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She's a ways away from being comfortable with doing that, I think. Though it would be terribly amusing if Rarity gazed into Ace's eyes and asked him if he loved strawberry swirl gelato, and from her hiding place, the protagonist blurts out "OH COME ON!".
5922719
The thing that stuck out was the dialog. It felt so naked. (har har har). I think the 3rd pony perspective was extremely off putting? Usually you serenade us with inner conflict and fluffy words. But this one felt uncomfortably dry. Like a gloved hand at airport security.
Huge chunks of this story felt clinical and robotic, to be truthful.
The best remedy might be to add better transition scenes? Just edit out the stuff that you obviously rushed? Or maybe find another pathway to yer destination? The stuff is just not your usual standard. And it shows.
Please, don't take any offense. You are an amazing writer. And I'm just one reader.
But ah can't in good conscience, not tell you that this chapter was... um... not good.
It ain't bad! It's just unspectacular. That's mah honest opinion.
Let's keep things moving, please. I'm sure the premature sexuality is still fascinating but frankly I'm surprised nopony has commented on the scent yet. Equines use pheremones, to say nothing of the fact that their noses are probably more sensitive than a humans, but you can still smell when someone's been randy. From the amount of fixation you'd think she had gone into season.
Come to think of it from this point I wouldn't be surprised if that's what you were going for.
Either way, can we take more than a half-step toward resolving some kind of introduced stumbling block per chapter, please? Over 87,000 words in and her accomplishments stand as follows: Embarrassing herself, making a royal mess of every meal, embarrassing herself, figuring out how to use pony-toilets, embarrassing herself, two nightmares that sent Luna into cold sweats, embarrassing herself, figuring out enough magic to phase into a bench, embarrassing herself, bathing while embarrassing herself, two attempts at masturbating, and perhaps the biggest accomplishment thus far: Tactile telekinesis / Sticky-hooves / Magnetohoof. While embarrassing herself. She aaaaallllmost took a step toward the main conflict buuuut nah, just kidding.
I really like how this is turning up.
/goes to Sweet apple acres
/is surrounded by apple carts
/faints
Weird how Twilight has not tried to magic scan Sweetie Belle yet.
This was a.. somewhat odd chapter, but I'm glad sweetie belle imposter can use her hooves now, I'm really excited to see what will happen when she can walk.
5922719
is that a sex joke?
5885373
MC is actually sweetie belle confirmed
I'd actually be pretty fine if I did end up in equestria, with how I am, I'd probably look like some few hundred year old guy, kinda like starswirl, exept just meh all the time.
So that magical mystery
curetherapy helped.5923119
Hell, even if everyone was "olfactorily challenged" or something, people ought to notice all the wet spots, at least.
5923614 Personally if it were me, I'd end up opening an ice cream / snowcone shop in Ponyville (maybe rainbow falls, that place is gorgeous) and in the winter, I'd try at ice sculpting.
Is the doctor good looking? gee I'm not to sure
about damn time..love you~~
This fic goes at a snail's pace......And I love every second of it
You heard it here, folks: Japan's not real!
Argh! I always hated inverted controls (unless its a plane or helicopter . . . they just feel right that way)! And now NotSweetie have to deal with pseudo inverted controls for the rest of life? That sucks. Imho magic just sucks.
At this point I still wonder if NotSweetie was an actual person or just an imprint caused by mega magical(?) device. Or if Sweetie and this dude swapped places. Sweetie would have quite a deal of bother, unlike Mr.Joyride here.
And if NotSweetie is going to tell anyone about her condition then I'd think telling someone other than Rarity would be a good idea. Rarity isn't the best at handling unusual situations. And her relation to Sweetie might cause her to freak out and/or break down completely.
My two choices of who to tell would be either Twilight (after a pinkie promise of some kind) or . . . Pinkie Pie. . . My third choice would be the CMCs, but children tend to be surprisingly unpredictable, so I wouldn't really count em as a choice.
5929320 I KNEW IT, none of my friends believed me but at least I know I'm not alone.
I haven't been so into a fanfic since "Past Sins"...Part of me wants Sweetie Belle to come out and tell someone while the other part of me wants her to keep it a secret!
5922899
You actually like the inner conflict? I was trying to cut that out the most, since I didn't think people liked it and I only put it in when I felt like I couldn't describe things any other way.
I um... didn't use third pony perspective...
I'll take a look at the timbre of the story, but I'm not sure how unclinical I can make a hospital clinic feel. Ace was trying to calm her down the whole time too, and get her outside of herself, so it's hard to write about her reflections on herself when she's being led to not dwell on it.
I have admittedly been feeling kind of lonely and unfulfilled lately, which makes writing vivid emotional stuff quite a bit harder.
Editing out the stuff I rushed just sort of leaves gaping holes. Like, "Okay breakfast is done, but I don't know how to pick things up. I know how to pick things up now. I wish Rarity wouldn't do that thing." I don't think editing stuff out helps unless you're not rushing enough and writing about dumb stuff. But maybe you meant that those parts feel rushed, because they're boring, and the solution is to rush them more?
5923119
well, escaping the Badlands alive, reconciling her apprehension about trains, learning to eat with a new mouth, finding what's going on with her horn. Bringing awareness to Scootaloo's problem about Rainbow Dash. Discovering a new pony alphabet. There's been a few accomplishments. But yeah lots of embarassing herself.
She's pretty much been running straight away from the main conflict the entire time.
5923943
There's a difference between physical arousal and mental arousal. I think I might not be making it clear what the protagonist's fears about arousal are, versus the actual reality of their arousal.
5929320
That's my story and I'm sticking with it!
5930060
well, it's sideways controls so it's more like pushing forward to go up. which is how most people play top down video games anyway...
it's almost as if Rarity is becoming some kind of authority figure for her, that she feels like she has to depend on absolutely, despite Rarity's fears and intolerance.
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Me too!
Thanks............. I think.
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Thanks so much! I'll do my best!
Yes.
To be honest, you do it well.
People hate your OC. Many hate sexual deviants. They could care less about the "inner conflict." Arguably, they hate the "inner conflict" because you've written it so well. People do not want "gross sex people" to be written with good words.
I believe that your OC deserves to exist. My advice? The "inner conflict" could become more palatable if you stopped reemphasizing how underprivileged his human life was. It's contrived and its intent is insulting.
You're absolutely correct. My apologies. I like teh hyperbole, oopsie.
This chapter holds a staggering amount of naked dialog. It felt awful, so I called it a "3rd Pony Perspective." That's just me being spiteful, I'm sorry.
I liked the clinic scene.
I hated everything before it. Sweetie's discussion on her nightmare... ugh. And Rarity's encounter with her client... eww.
It felt so unnatural, mostly 'cause you wrote it. I always imagined you as someone who can make the mundane into somethin' magical.
*hugs* Hope you feel better. Go take a break and relax? It's affecting your writing.
Maybe.
Perhaps, badly written paragraphs should be "rushed." For example, the breakfast scene was written badly, so let's DELETE it. It's just frustrating when such a wonderful Author, writes something so underwhelming.
Like ah've specified, this ain't a bad chapter. It just ain't a good one.
Again, thank you for spendin' the time to share yer work.
She could very well have forgotten how to read. That is consistent with her amnesia.
I am surprised Luna hasn't taken more drastic action, *BUT* really, coming to the conclusion one of your ponies is an alien as opposed to being a messed up foal with odd dreams is really moving beyond occam's razor. You have to be at the Sherlock Holms level to get to that kind of conclusion.
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Oh, right. The breakfast scene. I need a way to show the protagonist is actually pretty traumatized by these dreams though, so I dunno about cutting it entirely. I probably could make it a little better, if I focused on when they woke up instead of just skipping to breakfast for a change of pace.
Ah, my old nemesis. It is so hard to write good dialog and descriptive scene at the same time. Usually I just go with talking heads, and then pass over a second time, just imagining what's happening around them. I wonder what would happen if I did it the other way around...
Something wrong with Sandy? I mean, it seemed innocent enough, if maybe not obviously relevant. Certainly not eww. Ponies talk to each other here; it's even kind of annoying. Small town, and all. I guess it was a bit out of nowhere, though I could emphasize more how the protagonist is confused, because they're not sure why boardhorse is being all nosey.
Wow that... is about the opposite of what I was trying to emphasize. I'll have to look at that more carefully... a lot.
Anyway, thanks so much! Given me lots to think about! I don't think I recall having ever gotten a better critique before, in fact. Good job!
5936080
The next dream should make it clearer what's going on with Luna, if I ever get to it at this rate.
Yeah... this chapter was a slight disappointment. Never been good at describing things, but at the very least I can say it felt off. Still have my personal conflict over liking this story, might just be I'm not used to something sexual having substance is all. This story did however lead me to leaving the mature filter off and more open to the idea of stories like this... though... it is one thing to know all these things existed and another to actually start seeing them.
At any rate people are calling the protagonist weak because he hasn't revealed himself as a human. Thing is, he got something better than he ever thought he could. Yes he is rationalizing Sweetie Belle's predicament, but he is correct that telling could end up with him being screwed.
One might not agree with his decision from the outside, but put in that position, I think quite a few people would do the same.
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thanks for caring :)
5934464
I suppose that explains why you reacted so touchy about my last few comments. They would probably sound pretty dismissive of your own emotional life struggles, I suppose, when reading them in that kind of mood.
5938338
Yeah, that's really what I was trying to get at there. The recent chapters did start to sound rather a lot like an intentional effort at making people sympathize with his behaviour and worldview by giving him some flavour an outlandishly tragic life story and then emphasizing it whenever possible. I was harping on about realism so much in large part because of that. I didn't really consider that it might have been unintentional, I just kinda assumed it was some kind of strawman.
"Just have to think about Granny Smith naked on a cold day." Twilight I'm gonna need a memory spell and soon.
What's, uh... with the syntax thing? I don't get it...
So, I still had fun in this chapter, but a few things either bothered me or piqued my interest.
For one, I wanted to know more about how Sweetie was picking stuff up, but then suddenly she/ he just goes "Did I just set them up on a date?" And then suddenly I'm left confused because very little was explained in how she picks things up.
Two, I've read a few stories where Scootaloo is (mentioned not described) raised by the village. I'm assuming this means the town looks after her and that's that. It's an interesting head canon, but is that what it means? Will we find out? How'd you come up with it? Or did you read it somewhere else? I want to know because I adore/ love Scootaorphan/ homeless, even if others hate it.
Also, were those music notes??
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um, I'll blog about it, but long story short it's syntax for a little melody.
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The main character was starting to understand about how Sweetie was picking stuff up, but then her train of thought was derailed when she remembered that Rarity's date was contingent on her picking stuff up. This left her confused, with very little explanation or understanding of what's going on. That's the feeling I was trying to convey at least.
Yes.
Having shit parents helped open my eyes to alternative methods of child raising, I think. I don't know why else I would be so interested in stuff like that. Haven't you heard of the phrase "It takes a village to raise a child?"
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Never ever, ever do an Internet search for something called "Scootalewd."
5941123
Well, I do want people to sympathize, but more because this is a loving person who wants to live, rather than for their troubled past. I really can't recall anywhere I mentioned something tragic happening to them.
5944004 I remembered Granny Smith in latex from another story.
You're taking too long to get to the foal dicking
Get to it already.
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I’m fairly good at ABC—if I can find some time, I’ll try to make valid ABC out of it and generate sheet music and MIDIs.
Um, if that’s OK with you…
5987161
Don't worry in the very next chapter Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom have a very intimate chat
blatantly out in public, no less!
I'm considering it grumble, but the protagonist hasn't even managed to masturbate yet, and this story's just a bit less gratuitous, so no promises.
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Yeah she's a piece of work, that's for sure.
next chapter at 29K and counting...
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Sure, you could add the X: header, and T: and K: and... stuff, but I'd just hum it if I were you. Anyway, I did make that blog post if you were interested. Less useful than I hoped it would be.
5987161
what the buck is wrong with you
6009036 I HAVE NEEDS ALRIGHT!?
They wuz singing!!!
They'd never catch me singing...
I remember reading a story that had some "you-must-sing-your-feelings-every-now-and-then", but I forgot what it was called. Darn it, I think you made my mind explode again. Second story today to do that...
... Want. To. Strangle. Main. Character! STOP. THINKING. THESE. THINGS. THAT. YOU SHOULDN'T. BE WORRYING. ABOUT IN. SWEETIE BELLE's body!!!!!!
This story is awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can not wait for more
need more sweetie belle faces
hit the dislike by accident,didn't realize for 3 days!
So you killed my orphan idea, then said she spent time in an orphanage.
I think I'll just read on to figure out Sweetie's past.
Rarity is using her dinglehopper wrong. Sweetie has the right idea though.
derpicdn.net/img/2012/6/25/20556/small.png
Dinglehoppers
okay.
You know, I really must congratulate you. I was supposed to head to the pool four hours ago, and I was supposed to go eat lunch two hours ago. Yet here I am, reading, with no intention of doing otherwise any time soon. Quite the page turner you've wrought here, even with the editing mistakes it still has. Lovely song, by the way. That clearly took effort.
One must be very careful to never confuse Japan with real life.