• Member Since 12th Feb, 2015
  • offline last seen January 3rd

Cute H Unknownia


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Comments ( 53 )
Comment posted by Cute H Unknownia deleted Feb 18th, 2015

:pinkiesick:

Both of your descriptions are single run-on sentences, and your prose is a flavorless list of events with no emotion.

What my headphones your probably wondering yep my head phones they started everything.

"WHAT? YOUR HEADPHONES?" is probably what you think. Yes, my headphones started everything!

My headphones are magical they transported me to ponyville and now I have to find a way to get back home!

My headphones are magical, and transported me to ponyville.
Now I have to find a way to get back home!


That's how I would have done it. Just because Voldine made a very valid and great point, so you have examples to improve.
Now diving into the story...

My headphones are magical they transported me to ponyville and now I have to find a way to get back home!

That may be the worst description of all time.

Really? This isn't serious right?

5645463 Hopefully not. It was so dumb I sped through it. :trixieshiftleft:

5645484

I had just woken up. I put on my clothes, and hurried downstairs. I ate my cereal quickly, got on my coat, and bolted out the door. It was only a few blocks to school and I could walk. It was on the second block that I realized I didn't have my head phones. I ran back home, but when I opened the door and went in I found myself with four legs and a muzzle. I was a pony! I tried walking, and it felt like I was walking like a human but somehow easier.

I don't think I need to say anything to that.

5645347

Actually the worst description of all time is one that is both the short and long description.

5645562
No, the worst of all time is one that is actually bad ya faggot.

Greetings to thee, citizen; I pray that I find thee well. Perhaps thou wonderest about the reason for my commenting on thy story. Well, I have recently taken up the cause of providing constructive criticism to authors whose efforts I deem to be less than stellar, so to speak. Needless to say, thou art my charity case for the day.

However, take heed, citizen, for I shall not pull my kicks, nor shall I provide thee with anything less than the utter truth. ‘Twould do thee no favor to lessen the impact for the mere sake of preserving thy dignity. I speak truly when I say that ‘tis for thine own good.

Now, good author, thicken thy skin and gird thy loins—here we go.

I had just woken up. I put on my clothes, and hurried downstairs. I ate my cereal quickly, got on my coat, and bolted out the door. It was only a few blocks to school and I could walk. It was on the second block that I realized I didn't have my head phones. I ran back home, but when I opened the door and went in I found myself with four legs and a muzzle. I was a pony! I tried walking, and it felt like I was walking like a human but somehow easier.

I SAY TO THEE, HALT!

Author, I could speak to thee about pacing and description within thy narration, but first, allow me to address the elephant in the room:

WHEREFORE IN MY GLORIOUS NAME HATH THE NARRATOR BECOME A PONY?

He returneth to his home, when suddenly, poof! He is simply a pony. Not only dost thou provide no reason for the transformation, but thou also neglectest to give even the most rudimentary of descriptions to show me what this transformation was like. I find it extremely difficult to believe that a fully cognizant being would fail to notice such a change until after it hath occurred.

Now, to the pacing. We are still in the first paragraph, but already, we have reached a very significant plot point. Thou needest stretch out thy story with descriptive narration, else thou tearest thy readers from their hooves and sendest them hurtling willy-nilly into the depths of reading hell, where not even the most diligent of readers will stick around to finish thy work (myself excluded, of course). Give more details of the narrator’s morning. Describe his breakfast, the way he eateth quickly, the haste he exhibiteth in rushing out the door in order to get to school.

Also, wherefore doth he care so much for his headphones? Thou explainest not why they are so important.

Regardless, let us move on.

I walked around for a while, and came across another pony.

So, the narrator simply walketh in circles, doing absolutely nothing else. Interesting. No, really. It isn’t like the reader would like to know what he seeth, or heareth, or even feeleth. By the way, he hath somehow ended up in Equestria, even though thou givest absolutely no indication that this is the case. I still thought that he remained in his own world and for some reason everybody had become ponies until later in the story.

And then he cometh upon another pony. How delightful. ‘Tis a shame that thou providest such a bland description for her (although, to be fair, ‘tis a problem that many authors have, so thou art not alone in this). Thou tellest the reader only of her color. Her color. How wouldst thou like it if I described thee as, “That so-and-so colored person”? No, thou wouldst prefer something like, “That charming young lad yonder with the wavy hair and the bright eyes that seem to dance in the sunlight”. Color is not everything, even if ‘tis how thou perceivest pony-kind.

This pony (surely insulted by her lackluster description) seemeth to know the narrator, despite never having met him before, and she calleth him “Mashed Mallow” (a name that I despise, I would have thou knowest, but that is neither here nor there). ‘Twould not be so offensive to my sensibilities, save that nobody else seems to know of the narrator's existence, let alone his name. Wherefore is this pony special, then, that she would know his name, when none of the others do? Methinks 'twas done simply because thou couldst not think of another way to give him a pony name.

I shall note here that, for the rest of the review, I shall refer to the narrator as Sir Stupidbutt. ‘Tis more amusing to me (and much better than Mashed Mallow, if I might add). I even did him the honor of granting him knighthood, as is my right.

I guessed my new name was Mashed Mallow. This had all happened because of how I'd forgotten my headphones! I went to a cottage that said Mashed Mallow on a sign in front of it. It was a very beautiful cottage, I must say.

Let us ignore the fact that some unknown phenomenon, of which no mention hast thou made, hath given the narrator a new name (which is Sir Stupidbutt, I remind thee). From where did this new house come? Who built it? What does it even look like? We do not know, because, as before, thou hast provided no details.

Also let us note that, in regards to the reason these events have taken place, we still do not know why!

I picked out a book on cacti and started reading. It was the most spectacular book I'd ever read.

Thy habit of leaving out details hath begun to do more than irk me—I do believe that my current emotion is PURE, UNADULTURATED RAGE. WHEREFORE IS THIS BOOK SO INTERESTING?! HOW CANST THOU FIND A BOOK ON CACTI INTERESTING?! I WOULD LIKELY RANK CACTUSES WITHIN THE TOP TEN LEAST INTERESTING THINGS UPON WHICH ONE COULD WRITE A BOOK!

*cough*

Apologies, citizen, I lost myself for a second. Let us move on, shall we?

The next bit detaileth Sir Stupidbutt’s delightful trip to the market, during which he buyeth some food, eateth some food, buyeth a book, selleth a book, and oh sweet sister Celestia is this boring. What, I ask, is the reason for this section’s existence? It accomplisheth absolutely nothing, save taking up a few lines of space. Now, if there had been some kind of character interaction and dialogue, perhaps ‘twould be a more significant “scene”, but as ‘tis, it does absolutely nothing.

Sir Stupidbutt then findeth a “really enthusiastic pony”. Author. Details. What about her would cause thou to describe her as “enthusiastic”? It could be anything. The reader requireth description so that thy vision can make it to the masses.

We also find it odd that she would invite Sir Stupidbutt, out of every pony ever to exist with significantly less stupid behinds, to meet with her friends. Sure, I know that good Pinkie Pie doth greet newcomers consistently, but I do not believe that she would go out of her way to drag them into her inner circle of acquaintances. Thou needest some sort of extenuating circumstances in order for her to do so. As it is, it seemeth as though Pinkie taketh Sir Stupidbutt with her simply as an excuse to get him to mingle with the other bearers.

The one named Fluttershy was the kindest, and the one named Applejack was the most honest and Rainbow Dash was the most loyal, and Pinkie was the funniest and then Twilight was the smartest, and Rarity the most fabulous.

OH, I GET IT! THOU DESCRIBEST THEM AS SUCH BECAUSE THEY ARE THE BEARERS OF THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY (or they used to be)! Please, by all means, boil their personalities down to a single character trait by outright telling us what that single character trait is. By Celestia’s beard, of course I know about the Elements of Harmony (Recall that I had their power applied liberally to my hindquarters), and so does virtually everyone who chooseth to read this story, as well.

How about some—oh, what do the foals call it these days—dialogue? Thou knowest, when characters speak to each other and provide a meaningful way to measure their interactions and personalities? Mayhaps thou hast heard of it. ‘Tis a far better option than giving a few sterile sentences about how they all played together.

Twilight even gave me a fiction book on Nightmare Moon... okay maybe that was true.

This had best not be true, lest Ms. Twilight Sparkle findeth herself the recipient of a stern talking-to regarding how she treateth her friends.

When I went back home, I put the book that Twilight gave me on my fiction shelf and went to sleep. The next morning when I woke up, I ate breakfast and went to Twilight's library. I was the first there, so Twilight and I read books until everypony came. Then we did what we did yesterday, except I didn't get a book, and I told them my secret. The secret that i was from another world.

Canst thou not see how boring this narrative is? The reader hath nothing—save sterile facts that add little flavor—to determine what the characters are doing or why they do them. In particular, that line, “Then we did what we did yesterday”. Bleh.

The ponies exhibit no reaction when Sir Stupidbutt revealeth his “secret”. Methinks there would be some confusion, disbelief, concern—something that telleth us that these ponies are more than mere cardboard cutouts just here to fulfill some kind of fantasy.

Regardless, they agree to lend their assistance, and Twilight provideth a book which detaileth how exactly Sir Stupidbutt can get back home. However, there is a distinct lack of details on what exactly he must do, and how he should go about doing it. Since he read the book, the reader should know everything he does. There is no dialogue where he and his friends make their plans. Thou hast neglected to even write a scene in which they do so.

It was a very hard task. First off, it was dark so you couldn't see very well; second, it was really hard to get a blue rock when it was very heavy.

This is not a very hard task. Appeasing a group of disgruntled minotaur ambassadors whilst simultaneously debating the finer points of weather formations with joint assemblies of griffons and pegasi is a difficult task. Convincing your friend to use her overwhelming magical powers, which she can use both to provide light and to carry anything smaller than an average-sized whale, is not at all difficult.

Apple Jack got an idea she asked Pinkie Pie if she had any rope. Pinkie Pie said she did, and they attached the rope to everypony.

PUT. THIS. IN. DIALOGUE. PLEASE. I BEG OF THEE.

When they finally got to the place of the wand made of pure wood, they had to do a challenge. Twilight was the one that accepted it. The challenge was to come up with the solutions to five riddles.

WHAT RIDDLES? THOU HAST MENTIONED EXACTLY ZERO RIDDLES THUS FAR! AND WHO HATH LAID THIS CHALLENGE BEFORE THEM?

The first riddle was "What is attractive, and can only be used in the boys world? Oh, and it is addicting."
I quickly said "Electronics."
god said "Yes."

Alright, author, I have a riddle for thee: What is uncapitalized, cometh from seemingly nowhere, and likely doth not belong in this fic? Carefully, now. Honestly, 'twas at this point that I began to suspect that thou art doing this on purpose.

The rest of this story is just more of the same, and I find myself unable to go on. I will note that thou seemest a bit confused near the end on whether thou art writing in third-person or first-person.

Needless to say, Sir Stupidbutt’s journey is a rough one, and I do not mean in regards to what he must overcome. Thy lack of detail doth nothing more than accelerate the pacing, to the point where the reader cannot get a handle on what is actually going on. In addition, it just maketh the story very, very, very boring to read, because there is nothing to grasp onto and envision. Thy goal as a writer is to paint a picture of the scene in the reader’s head, but all I could see reading this was general idea (and a bland one, at that) of what was actually happening. Spread out thy scenes with dialogue between characters, with descriptions of what the characters are actually doing, and other such-and-such so as to flesh out the story.

Oh, and I also suggest that thou findest a pre-reader who would be willing to point out to thee passages that maketh absolutely no sense or sound inane, because I ran across those aplenty.

Well, I believe that my work here is done. I hope that thou derivest even the slightest bit of insight from this review; I know I derived a headache, if nothing else. Regardless, I wish thee luck with thy future writing endeavors, and bid thee farewell.

5646051 I told my brother not to post this before I had gone over it at least five times. I told him that it wasn't ready. My first round of editing was grammar and spelling. I had to stop a bit before where you stopped. I didn't do anything to the description. He told me he hadn't published it... nope. I'm a bit disappointed in him for lying, and I thank you for your constructive criticism towards my brother.


5646006 Yes. My thoughts exactly.


5644893
5644893 Eyup. :eeyup:


5645463
5645484 It's... serious.

Yeah. On my thoughts, I had to make a LOT of edits to the first part's grammar. Not to mention, bud, you called Applejack Apple Jack! Seriously? Sounds like a guy named Jack selling apples! Here's a little scene:

Apple Jack was back in town.

"Apples! Get yer' apples here! Best apples that money can buy!" He hollered out to the mass of people in the market.

"No? Nobody wants these juicy, fresh apples? Allrighty then, on to the next town! Hopefully they appreciate my scrumptious apples," He walked away, hopefully never to be seen again. And thus ends the tale of Apple Jack.

I hate to point it out, but you haven't gotten a SINGLE positive review! There was an appropriately placed gif, a few people talked about your non-descriptive description, there were some people hoping you weren't serious, and then there was some great constructive criticism. Great job, bud. Hope you're happy. :pinkiehappy:

-Your Sister

Also... how is this a tragedy? :rainbowhuh:

Comment posted by Cute H Unknownia deleted Feb 20th, 2015

Um I was trying to make it tragical:fluttercry:

5646199

'Tis most important that the author realize areas where his work mayeth improve, which was the entire point of this exercise. Nobody expecteth perfection (although one can hope), merely that the effort be made to become better. Perhaps 'tis not proper to call out thine own kin in a public forum, when such criticisms could just as easily be presented in a more private setting. Regardless, I shall say no more on this.

5646196

Oh, hush, thou art making me blush.

5646358 How are you a princess? Your more like a queen.

5646358 You're right... I did talk about some of this offline, but he ignored quiet a bit of it.

Well.....that was interesting.....

Gpd have mercy on this soul..... need pacing.... you my friend are no where near a Sweetly Approved....

5646358
*may improveth

May is the passive verb there. Sorry, I couldn't resist editing the Early Modern English grammar. I'm a bit of a nerd if you haven't noticed.

5646051
That was kind of maybe the best critique I've ever read.

5654862 Well ponies have 4 legs and seem to walk like we do and again they have 4 legs which gives them more stability.

Good story. :heart:

5657585 thank you for the nicest comment yet :pinkiehappy:!

I'm going to assume this is b8, and thus say nothing more.

Okay, dude, you have a long way to go here, if you wanna make this story, actually readable.

First off, you don't give the characters much emotion, they're just kinda flat throughout the whole story.

Secondly, This feels rushed, like you didn't give it enough time to develop the plot and stuff.

Then, This story is plain-out.... well, boring. Also you need to add commas and fix some other punctuation.

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5712494 I know this was a horrible story.

Not bad. It has potential though. You get a like.:heart:

5646051 where were thou when I seeked help lol? But for real you have a point and come off as logical (unlike some people) I do see potential in this if re-done but thats just me.

5645606 You need to back off or at least give constructive criticism. I have a story that is 10X worse then this.


5645487 Fair enough but it's a start right? My 1st story is worse then this.

5712736 I'm not saying that, It just needs some editing to meet the level of a good story :D

This story is really good! I don't know why there are so many hates. Sure, there isn't much emotion, but other than that, I love it! Don't listen to what people think, rely on what you think of it. :pinkiehappy: Hope I helped. :raritywink: This gets a like and you get a follow.

After reading this, all I can think is what the hell did your headphones have to do with it?

It's short >.> and it's decent.

Okay, I must say that everyone who commented and said this was horrible was right, it should probably be featured it 100 worst mlp fanfictions. (Is that a real thing?)

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