Lucky424
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Good, let the homoerotica flow through you.
Or flow into you if that's your thing.
Have fun.
5633214 I.... uh... what?
Thanks very much!
Could you add "possibly rape" or something of the like to the trigger warning spoiler? I don't feel that much of what happened was very consenting.
Aside from that, it was a great read! O/c being a oneshot it was reaaalll fast.
5637057
Here. This is the point of consent. If Thunderlane had stepped away instead of closer, then what Soarin did would be rape.
5637143
huh. I don't remember reading that. Oh well,
anticache.img0.joyreactor.com/pics/post/demotivation-posters-auto-283296.jpeg
could we have more?
more plz
Huh. Not bad, actually. It was grammatically sound, quite readable, and had (mostly) good word choices. It also captured the bondage and D/s feel quite effectively, which can be difficult to do.
it does have some problems though. The pacing is basically nonexistent, with both the build-up and the actual sex being very rushed. This detracts from the story because there wasn't really any tension-building to get the reader in the mood, and the sex itself tended to be a bit lacking in detail, in addition to being over very quickly.
In addition, Soarin's dialogue is sometimes flowery and unnatural, which stood out, and not in a good way. It didn't really feel like how a normal person would talk. The scene where he's giving Thunderlane the speech about conformity vs desire is the most blatant example of this.
Occasionally, the descriptions are a bit confusing (the scene where Soarin is wrapping up Thunderlane got a little difficult to follow.)
I should also say that going in dry really shouldn't happen. Like, seriously, that would tear and bleed. Thunderlane didn't seem even remotely uncomfortable. Having the top go in dry can be useful if the story intends to put the sub through some amount of pain, but since this didn't, it really just made an otherwise consensual (as you say) scene feel uncomfortable because there is no way a consenting partner would enjoy being anally penetrated without lubrication. Even precum or spit would have been better than nothing.
The other issue is that this story suffers from something I call the Vampire Effect. To explain the metaphor, a trope in old vampire novels is that a vampire can't enter a human's house without permission from the owner. However, once that permission is granted, the human is at the vampire's mercy.
That's relevant because I often see something like that in stories like these, especially when gags are involved. When consent is given once (which, as you said in another comment, was when Thunderlane reacted positively to Soarin's advances) everything after that point is treated as consensual, regardless of anything the dom does. This is a very flimsy excuse and it doesn't really work because consent can actually be withdrawn at any moment. In story-telling terms, that means you need to somehow demonstrate consent each time the dom takes an action that the sub might object to (like suddenly switching to anal.) It can be as simple as the dom asking a direct question and the sub nodding in response.
Now, you actually did a good job with avoiding this problem for the most part. The only place where I really felt like it was an issue was when Soarin put Thunderlane in his locker. That was fine by itself, (and hot, I might add, considering the setup he has), but the problem is that it was only after Thunderlane had been bound and gagged that Soarin revealed he was going to be there for hours, completely unattended, and with no ability to move or call for help. Since this means 6-12 hours of being constantly sexually stimulated without the possibility of an orgasm, Soarin really should have informed Thunderlane of his intentions and gotten consent before locking him in there and leaving him all night. As it is now, it leaves me with a rather sour feeling knowing that Thunderlane is about to have what's probably going to be a pretty miserable sexual experience without having actually given consent for it.
You could've kept essentially the same ending without making the consent dubious (at best) in any number of ways. Firstly, you could've had Soarin say he would check up on Lane in an hour or two, just to make sure he's alright. Alternatively, you could've had Soarin coax him into it by promising him that if he lasted the the whole night without finishing, he'd get the best orgasm of his life in the morning. Just an understanding that Thunderlane had the option to decline once he knew what Soarin had planned for him would have worked wonders.
Now, all that out of the way, I will say that the story was really hot despite the issues I saw. The sex was pretty well done despite being a bit bare of details. And despite the issue of dubious consent toward the end, that setup where Thunderlane has a vibrating dildo up his ass, a vibrating ring around his cock, and even the orgasm denial was just delightful. It was a bit contrived, maybe (how the hell does no one notice Soarin's locker being a bondage closet?) but it was hawt.
This one is going in my faves just for being really sexy (and SoariLane.) I do hope you consider what I've said for future endeavors, though, or maybe even revamping this one if you're so inclined, considering there's a lot of potential in this premise.
5710803 Wow.... thank you so much for such in depth constructive criticism. I honestly do appreciate it.
Now then, the issues you have pointed out...
1) Soaring going in dry now has him going in mostly dry and using some lube.
2) Consent. Each new action, from tying him, to sex, and eventual securing in the locker has Thunderlane giving his consent now.
3) Left in the locker all night. There is now a safety device in place which Thunderlane can reach, and goes directly to a loud alarm Soarin keeps on/near his person at all time.
4) Soarin's locker. Well... I don't really have an explanation nor anything to change there, other than he only opens it when alone, and thought he was then. But when he heard the shower going, he booked it out of the locker room, thinking he'd shut his locker, but he did it so hard that it bounced back open.
I will also admit that this story was swirling the drains of my mind, and I couldn't continue elsewhere until I got it out of there, therefore it is not up to my usual standard. I also think I have to do a small epilogue for how Thunderlane is in the morning.
5716328
After another look it does look like you fixed some of the issues I pointed out. The safety device, in particular, is a good addition because the idea of being locked somewhere with a dick up your ass and vibrating rings around your dick, but unable to cum, is one of those things that seems hot at first, but would be really awful after, say, an hour or two. As it is now, with a way out, it's just a marvelous little fantasy again.
Though I did have one thought about that little ring on his cock. Why is it an absolute in preventing orgasms? Why not make it so that it has him edging for an hour or so at a time, then lets him cum? And do that over and over until the morning. That way it's not really dangerous at all, and Lane has something to look forward to that actually gives him incentive to keep putting up with it. You also get to keep the orgasm denial aspect since Lane still has 59 minutes to go before he even gets his first one.
That epilogue idea is actually a good one as well. I wasn't expecting anything like that, but I do think it's an interesting thought. Depending on how things go in the morning, it would fully establish the dynamic of their relationship based on how Soarin handles him. You know, like if he makes Thunderlane cum or not, that would establish whether Soarin's a bit selfish or just a tease. Closure, essentially, and an idea for how the readers could imagine their future shenanigans.
Either way, looking forward to seeing what you come up with.
So I was directed here by the marvelous Marshal Twilight, who has already given you some awesome advice. I'm glad to see that you've adjusted your story to accommodate for some of the things he pointed out. Those additions seem to have worked for the story.
First, a few things I found:
*make his way to the shower block,
*Ten minutes later, he walked
*double-doored
*yet there was nopony else in the room... or was there?
(Alternatively, you can have this ^ as "yet there was nopony else in the room. Or was there?" But either way, the comma doesn't quite work in this case, since you need a longer pause for the dramatic effect.)
*second-in-command
Other than that, the grammar was quite clean. However, I feel you might be overusing commas a bit. Try to vary your sentence length and structure a little more often. Short sentences can convey just as much information and emotion if utilized correctly (i.e. infrequently and powerfully).
As for the story itself, while I enjoyed the action, I felt it was a little rushed. I would have liked to see a little more build-up between Soarin and Thunderlane, especially since the two seem to have barely (if ever) interacted before this encounter. Since there isn't that much build-up, for me, it wasn't as sexy as it could have been in my opinion. That's just me though, and I can be picky about these things.
I also feel Soarin got off a little too quickly; extending that scene by a few paragraphs with more description of their reactions, Thunderlane's sensations especially, could have added a bit more to it.
With clop, especially limited-POV clop from a sub perspective, the more emphasis you can give on a character's emotions/physical sensations, the better. Marshal Twilight has a clopfic writing guide on his page that has some tips you might find helpful in this department.
While I don't think I'll be adding this to my faves at the moment, it definitely has earned my upvote, and was a good read.
Keep on writing, and I'll be interested to see what you come up with in the future!
5728174 The thing with this story is I know it's not as good as what I can come up with, but I needed to get it out of my head. You know what I mean? I have actually written several clopfics, so this isn't my first attempt. It is for m/m though. As for what happened, I don't think I shall be going back to add more, as it is meant how it is perceived; a quick fuck.
Now, as to your corrections.
1) 'Make' would be if this is present tense. 'Made' is correct for past tense, which this story is in.
2&3) Thanks for those.
And there will be a small epilogue of the morning after. Currently at around 400 words, and should be up tomorrow.
5728311
I know what you mean, and fair enough. Some people like the "quick fuck" kind of story; I'm just a bit pickier.
Although the story is in past tense, "make" is still correct, because the tense you're using in the sentence is conditional. If you take out some of the words here:
to:
Both the "Only" and "once" make the sentence conditional, even though it is still in the past tense.
"Only once I got off work did I drove home" is incorrect, even though I'm talking about the past. "Only once I got off work did I drive home" is correct, and I'm still talking about the past. You're not so much using the present tense of the verb here as you are the infinitive ("to make," "to drive," etc.)
I'll keep an eye out for the epilogue though!
Very good! I would very much like to see some more, and I hope you keep up the good work
I have to ask: where did the artwork come from?
5728311
Man, that's one long "night until tomorrow".