Fun in the Locker Room

MMoney Shot
MLP: FiM
Porn
After Braeburn and Soarin's escapade in the locker room, they invite over the stallion they met for dinner. Hot gay threesome sexytimes ensue.
Sex
Profanity
Braeburn
Soarin
Other
kingfish · 4.5k words · 124 14 · 9.4k views

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Comments ( 21 )

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Emerulf

Emerulf #1 · Oct 2nd, 2014 · 4 · ·

There's always been one fantasy especially close to his penis heart

Quite possibly the best part of a stallion's anatomy.
His penis heart.

kingfish

kingfish #2 · Oct 2nd, 2014 · · ·

5088538
Ah, crap, I forgot the strikethrough! It's always something!

SusieBeeca

SusieBeeca #3 · Oct 3rd, 2014 · · ·

Wow! This was very sweet. Good job! And when the "third" walked in, judging from his description, at first I thought he was Trenderhoof.

Emerulf

Emerulf #4 · Oct 3rd, 2014 · · ·

I decided to save this for later, for privacy's sake - and damn, I'm glad I did. That was great, kingfish, especially the verbalization.
I was expecting Big Shot, or Money Shot (insert 70's porno music), to join in and I'm a bit disappointed he didn't... yet, by the sounds of it.

kingfish

kingfish #5 · Oct 3rd, 2014 · · ·

5091415
Well, I couldn't very well post that part with this story, now could I?

Double Entendre

Double Entendre #6 · Oct 3rd, 2014 · · ·

Soarin' and Braeburn make a cute couple. I definitely dig the vocalization part; in fact, I would have loved to see it go a bit further. Pretty much pure clop, but enough story\characterization to make it enjoyable (the part with Braeburn admonishing the staring mare was pretty cute).

I'll be waiting for the sequel. I'd give this one a 3/5, and probably would clop to again. ;)

kingfish

kingfish #7 · Oct 3rd, 2014 · · ·

5092992
I actually dialed back a bit on the dialogue this time. Normally, my dialogue is pretty graphic, so I tried to keep it more tame for once. You should read some of my other stories.
It's good to know somepony appreciates the strengths in my writing.

Double Entendre

Double Entendre #8 · Oct 3rd, 2014 · · ·

5093073 I shall surely peruse your body of work later, when the spirit and body are both willing. ;)

Brony_4_EVA

Brony_4_EVA #9 · Nov 26th, 2014 · · ·

THAT WAS AWESOME

frostingblossom

frostingblossom #10 · Jan 15th, 2015 · · ·

gay pones. yis.

MasterBrony Forever

MasterBrony Forever #11 · Jan 16th, 2015 · · ·

This was okay but it could be betterI can give you tips if you want.

kingfish

kingfish #12 · Jan 16th, 2015 · · ·

5511176
Please do.

MasterBrony Forever

MasterBrony Forever #13 · Jan 16th, 2015 · · ·

5511482 Okay. I hope this isn't too long.
Number 1: Over all all you need is a good editor and that could fix everything.

Number 2 Description/Detail: In the beginning go into a bit more detail with their Soarin and Braeburn's relationship. Two of three decent paragraphs would be good. And be careful with description of who is doing what, and who is talking. When I was reading it to me several time rereading of some lines to figure what you really meant, and who was suppose to be talking. And more carefully worded descriptions would make this story much better.

Number 3 Spacing: Paragraph spacing can help with figuring out who is talking. Lines of dialogue are always suppose be their own paragraph.

Example:

"I knew you'd come around!" He leaned in for a kiss, and Braeburn returned it. Braeburn's mouth opened slightly, allowing Soarin's long tongue access. All those long years of licking pie tins clean had done him good. His snake-like tongue explored Braeburn's mouth, rubbing back and forth against the inside of his cheek and massaging his palate. Their forelegs wrapped around each other, pulling them tightly together. Braeburn could barely compete against Soarin's pure skill. He was really turned on, and he could feel his body beginning to signal Soarin' as such. He pulled back reluctantly.

Should be like this:

"I knew you'd come around!" Soarin said before leaning in for a kiss, which Braeburn eagerly returned.
Braeburn's mouth opened slightly, allowing Soarin's long tongue full access. All those long years of licking pie tins clean had done him good, making him an expert. His tongue explored Braeburn's mouth with ease and fanciness making the stallion moan in pleasure. Their forelegs wrapped around each other, pulling them closer together. Braeburn could barely compete against Soarin's pure skill as his tongue collided with his coltfriends. Braeburn's arousal began to grow, and his body gave Soarin the obvious symbol of bring turn on. Much to the cowpony's disappointment, the pegasus pulled back ending the heated make-out session.

Or something along those lines for your story. This should also help with description and details.

And be clear about who is taking. I was confused on who was talking every once in a while, as well as who was doing what to who.

Hope this helped. I may have missed some stuff but over all just need a good editor, and read the story out loud to yourself and you will see and hear the mistakes and where things may sound confusing.

kingfish

kingfish #14 · Jan 16th, 2015 · · ·

5511934
That's some really good stuff. I'll be doing some edits of my stories at some point, and I'll make sure to take that into consideration. Hopefully this story doesn't take too long for me to get to.

MasterBrony Forever

MasterBrony Forever #15 · Jan 16th, 2015 · · ·

5512978 Take your time. It was still an interesting read. And I will be reading the squeal next.

MIKEANTHONY321

MIKEANTHONY321 #16 · Feb 12th, 2015 · · ·

Hey, I noticed you had a section to the right for this story's sequel. Do you have any idea how to add that section?

kingfish

kingfish #17 · Feb 12th, 2015 · 1 · ·

5617533
In the url for a story, it has a number identifying the story, called the story ID. Observe.
...net/story/220402/fun-in-the-locker-room
When you post the sequel, there's a field to input the ID of the story that comes before it. Put the number in there and the first story will show the new story off on the side.
I hope I did well as tech support.

MIKEANTHONY321

MIKEANTHONY321 #18 · Feb 12th, 2015 · · ·

5618672

Griffith

Griffith #19 · Mar 15th, 2015 · · ·

Wow, this was beautiful. And hot as hell.

HB_DS2013

HB_DS2013 #20 · Oct 13th, 2015 · 2 · ·

NOTE: This is a gay clopfic starring Soarin' and Braeburn. Contains some kinky material, including but not limited to: location fetishism (locker room), oral sex, anal sex, exhibitionism, latex, and verbalization. If you don't know what some of these things are, you may use the internet for its intended purpose of supplying information rather than masturbating to homosexual erotica based on an animated children's television show about magical ponies. Shame on you.

That was one of the most complex warnings I've ever seen. So much so that it's broke the fourth wall.

LunaJack