Everypony Wants Your Bed
Shachza
Just another ordinary day. At least you hope it is. You got up relatively on time and didn't have to rush too much. Your bed, thankfully, stayed an otherwise unoccupied bed long enough for you to get some shuteye.
Work was work, lunch was lunch, clocking out was... Well, after the last while you'd come to dread the drive home just a little bit. It's not that you hated leaving work; it's just that you'd grown very wary of what you might find at home waiting for you.
So when you pulled up out front of your homely little place you were hardly surprised, yet still so incredibly dismayed, to find a line of small colorful equines stretching ten-long out your front door. One of your neighbors was on his stoop and stood as you got out of your car, dread building inside you as you tried and failed to imagine just why there were so many ponies at your house today.
"Hey! You gotta' keep your ponies on leashes, y'know!"
You wave him off, eyes still warily scanning the impatiently waiting equines.
"Leashes?" A mint green unicorn up near the door fires back. Lyra, your work-addled brain manages to note. "Leashes?! What do you think we are... um... Mister? You are a mister, right?"
A miniature shouting war erupts between your neighbor and several now irate ponies. You, on the other hand, who has become somewhat inured to the weirdness of it all, simply make for your front door. The source of this new situation was not going to be found out here, after all.
But as you approach your front steps a turquoise pegasus with mane and tail in multiple shades of orange moves to block you.
"Hey, bub, where do you think you're going? If you want in, get in line!" Her wings rustle as she stares you down.
Not good, but you weren't about to be dissuaded. "This is my house!"
"Oh, yeah? I don't see your name on it!"
"You see that mailbox? You see it?" She peers past you without letting you out of her sight. "That's my name, right there! This is my house."
Her fiery orange eyes narrow. "Hey, we're all paying good bits here," a chorus of soft agreements rises up from the rest of the line, "so prove it, or get in line."
You splutter for a moment, trying to decide whether hitting her would be worth it. She looks kind of built, like a racer, with clean muscle lines running across most of her lean frame. Probably not worth the pain. And looking back across the rest of the line... Yeah, ten to one, not counting who else might be inside, it definitely wasn't worth it. Plus, she was a girl after all.
And there was another way in.
There are thankfully no ponies around the back. Good. And your key works like a charm. Perfect. You stomp through the rear entry, around your kitchen table, down the hall, but stop dead at the doorway to the living room.
True to the outside, there were more ponies. The stairs boasted a neat wall of them leading up and out of sight. You could guess where they were all going, though not why. And in your poor living area there were more, though not in any line. The couch boasted a large pearly white winged unicorn with a pastel astral mane and tail, and your dead grandfather's favorite recliner held a similar horse-thing, but in shades of blue with stars in its…
Oh, it’s Luna again. She’s arranged somewhat uncomfortably across the seat and raised footrest - and area far too small for her. You would have waved had you been in a better mood.
On the floor in front of the TV were half a dozen more non-pegacorn ponies lounging around your carpet and likely shedding hair everywhere. You'd probably have to vacuum the whole place, ceilings and all, after this.
Even the corners held a pony or two. And all of them were chatting amicably like your living room was the most normal place to hang out. In fact, like your living room was a particularly happening place to hang out.
"What the hell is going on here?!"
All the various conversations cut off just like that, dozens of brightly-colored eyes homing in on you. That might not have been the best of ideas but you were quickly reaching the point of no longer caring.
The white horse-icorn gracefully slides off the couch onto her hooves, smiling gently at you. "Ah. We here," she indicated the gathering in the living area with a forehoof, "are simply enjoying the ambience and the company. The ponies there," her forehoof swung toward the stairs and the line of equine, "are waiting to access the most delightful bed. And who might you be?"
"The owner of this house," you growl.
"The owner? Oh dear." A look of consternation crosses her features as her magenta eyes drift up toward where your stairs passed beyond the ceiling. "Well, it is nice to meet you. I am Princess Celestia and on behalf of my little-"
"Stuff it. I don't care." You barge your way past the now speechless princess and head straight through the crowd, one destination seared into your thoughts. The gasps from the other ponies don't bother you one whit.
Maybe you could just burn your bed and get a sleeping bag. No, the one white unicorn - was her name ‘Shades?’ - proved that fire wouldn't work.
The ponies at the bottom of the stairs step back as you approach. Apparently you'd perfected your death glower somewhere between sane real life and this pony-infested mess. The ones on the stairs don't have the luxury of seeing you coming. A prim-looking gray and black plain pony indignantly protests as you shove past, which alerts the blue and darker blue unicorn stallion (okay, you were getting better at identifying their sexes) ahead of her, and which, in turn, makes the blue and rainbow pegasus in front of them both...
Oh, it’s Rainbow Dash. Again. Yay.
"What's the big deal!" She awkwardly turns around, hind hooves two steps higher than her fores. Strangely, the persian blue pegasus mare with spiky cerulean and white hair just upstairs from her takes a moment to enjoy the view. "You can't just cut in front of ponies like that!"
"Yeah!" Comes a chorus from behind you.
"You gotta' wait in line if you want the bed, mister!" Another chorus echoes agreement from downstairs. A lone, patient voice is also arguing - somewhat futilely - for understanding.
"It's my bed, and I'll use it whenever I damned well want to!"
Rainbow blinks her magenta eyes but her face hardens almost immediately. "Oh, yeah? I don't think so! We're paying good bits for this!"
She steps down one stair, forcing you one backward. It's a bad situation - she aggressive and on the higher ground - and despite your anger you know it. But just as you're considering how you might be able to outfight a pegasus, and whether you even should - because she's a girl, you know - the blue unicorn next to you steps into her recently vacated spot. Like clockwork the rest of the line moves up.
"Hey! That's my spot!"
"You stepped out of the line," deadpans the unicorn.
"What?! No! I'm defending the line from, um, whatever this thing here is!" She zips into the air on furious wings, hovering with her nose an inch from his. "You give me my spot back!"
Hah! Serves her right! The distraction is all you need to turn sideways and slip past. You will not be denied!
"No! I'm not going to miss out again on another awesome thing because I got stuck in the back of the line again! Now give me my spot back!"
Ahhhh. ‘Glorious payback,’ you think to yourself, grinning evilly as you crest the stairs.
At the top, in the hallway, you find two more ponies at the end of the line with a desk blocking off the rest of the hall. On it there is one of those silly old-timey cash registers - the ones that go 'ding!' - and behind that are two more unicorns. Both are tall, pale yellow, and wearing straw hats, striped vests, and bow ties. And two of the biggest shi... smarmy grins you've ever seen.
Oh, these two must be real pieces of work. And they're blocking your hallway. For some reason there aren't any other ponies between you and them anymore.
"Greetings friend!" Exclaims one.
"And salutations!" Equally exclaims the other.
"He's Flim."
"And he's Flam."
"And together, we're-," they go stereo on you.
But you're not having it. "About to get a free, mandatory ticket on the next flight down those stairs unless you tell me just what you think you're doing in my house, in my hall, and with my bed!"
The left on gulps. The right one opens his mouth. "Well, you see, sir. We heard of this wonderful place."
And lefty continues. "This amazingly wonderful location."
"That everypony was raving about!"
"And we thought to ourselves..."
"Brother. This sounds like the deal of the century!"
"So we-"
"You're charging ponies for use of my bed." The blandness of your tone is so unnervingly bland it makes the two unicorns involuntary shudder.
"Well... it is an amazing bed."
"Stupendously wonderful."
"Perfect for all sorts of leisur-"
"No. My house. My bed. Get out." You finger directs them downstairs and toward a small crowd of worried pony faces.
For a moment the two just stare at you with wide eyes. Then you do something with yours and the two are gone. Hopefully you can later remember just what you did to make them flee your presence so satisfyingly.
The register lifts off, surrounded by a green halo, and makes to follow after them.
"Nope. My house, my cash!"
It's actually not that hard to grab the thing. And with it tucked safely under your arm you make your way around the desk and to your bedroom door. This is it. The moment of truth. You never bothered asking exactly what the ponies might have been doing in there. It's a bedroom so that really narrows the options. Sleeping and snu snu are the most likely culprits. When you hear a soft feminine giggle from behind the door your blood runs cold. Nobody giggles like that in their sleep!
You crack the door.
"Moooo..."
What the...?! You thrust the door wide, smashing it satisfyingly against the wall and making the massive lump under your covers jerk mightily. For a long moment you just stand and stare in shock. The lump is huge! Yes, there are definitely multiple ponies under there.
The lump wiggles, shifting and twisting, and shortly a head pops out of one side. It's pink - very pink - with a long horn and flowing purple, magenta, and gold mane with a cute little curl at the end. She's like every little girl's princess pony dream made flesh. Judging by the look of her, considering the fun she's apparently having, she’s probably saturated your mattress with glitter. Your bed... This time it's definitely getting the flamethrower once you find one. eBay still sells them, right?
"Oh, hello! Is it your turn already?" She says to you, waving as recognition of you dawns.
Your house is just packed with familiar ponies. But that’s not going to stop you. "Yes. My bed. Get out."
"Certainly. Twilight, dear, it's time to go."
Another head extricates itself, this time a lavender unicorn with straight dark blue mane with streaks of violet and rose in it. "Darn. I really missed this."
"Oh, God, what were you doing in there?!" Not that you really wanted to know. It was just the kind of things people asked in this situation.
"Oh, we were playing barnyard animals!" The pink one cheerfully explains. Correction, your bed will be dropped in a vat of acid and then burned. You were certain that was both possible and a perfectly logical reaction to this situation.
"Twilight and I used to do this every time I would foalsit her. Snuggling under the covers to play this game or that."
She turns out to be another unicorn with wings. Where they heck do they keep coming from? Your covers fly their way off your bed under the power of her pale blue aura. But underneath isn't a mess better suited for some adult-rated sexy horror show. Instead a cheap plastic barnyard complete with smattering of brightly colored animals lies strewn across your mattress. Cows, chickens, pigs...
Even a horse figurine. Why?! Your brain does not compute.
"Well, whatever you do, I hope you enjoy yourself!" Says the lavender one as she leaves.
"It was nice meeting you!" Calls the other.
The door shuts and your room is yours again. Your sanctum is whole. Your retreat is secure. And heck, the pink one even remade your bed in the process. Maybe she wasn't so bad.
Nah. She was still a pony.
You drop the register unceremoniously in a corner - you'll check your winnings later - and flop across your bed, doing your best to hug it. It's just not possible to do more than grasp the opposite edges of the mattress and squeeze, but it's the thought that counts. And right now you love your bed. Your bed. You'll never let it go again.
Heck, it was pretty comfortable. Maybe even unearthly so. Hopefully that wasn’t a side effect of whatever that clever pony had been worried about. And after the day you'd had, a nap actually sounded pretty good. You'd worry about the ponies later.
Then, faintly and from downstairs, "step right up, everypony! You too can sleep in the most wondrous, amazing, stupendous, and mind-bogglingly comfortable bed. Straight from exotic hyoomunland - and with an actual hyoomun too - for only fifty bits!"
5497546
Honestly, I don't mind, either. The banners were kinda nice, sure, but it's neater and more user-friendly this way. I like the title cards, I don't mind the monochromatic look to the site.
But in the latest update--as with all the updates--a ton of people pile on, bitching about how their cheese has been moved, that they're giving up the site and going to the wasteland that is fanfiction.net, etc.
5497558
Huzzah! My contribution!
Am I cool now?
Now this was a good chapter. More like this please, and less of the 4th-wall-breaking stuff.
5497558
The Pit of Voles? Argh.
Just how much does this guy know about Equestria? Because it seems to vary.
If I were him, I'd have just demanded: "Ten percent. Give me ten percent and I'll get you whatever you need to rake in even more money from this scheme." Because they're fucking GOLD COINS. I don't know if he knew that though.
Now he has enough bits to pay Davenport for that bed!
5497583
You've always been cool.
s.mlpforums.com/uploads/post_images/img-1578400-2-66998__safe_princess-celestia_sunglasses_artist-lamia_swag.png
5497636
It kind of varies by chapter, and I'm okay with that.
Sure, they look gold. Maybe the ponies have a surplus of iron pyrite, though.
www2.humboldt.edu/natmus/lifeThroughTime/PreCam.web/Pyrite24.JPG
5497645
And, of course, AJ doesn't show up at all, because she's basically a background pony.
5497558
The only complaint I have about removing the user cards is the loss of links of external accounts, such as Steam and Twitter. They could fit in the new banners…
And for the record, this site could go to hell in a hand basket and I still wouldn't leave. Fanfiction.net is so cold and user-unfriendly, and I literally don't know anyone who uses AO3.
5497802
Totally agree. I've got a fictionpress account, with like, six or seven stories.
If it were more user-friendly, I've got 20 years worth of writing I could put on there. But the interface is so crappy, it's not worth the bother.
just tell the ponies that the bed was made out of glue, real glue
and maybe tell them how glue is made
5497598
I can only write so much, so fast! I do wish I could write more in any single go...
5497636
I wrote this chapter a while back and it sat in line until now. I didn't know a lot of these other chapters were coming so I did what I could, put in references as I felt they fit, and had to call it good enough. Hopefully...
5497837
5496162 Get your evil killing fire extinguisher today!
rs1img.memecdn.com/budget-fire-extinguisher_o_1061015.jpg
Now new and improved!
This was an awesome Flim Flam chapter, absolutely hilarious. Hopefully mine will be up to par (when it's released
next yearmonthtwo weekssome time in the future, because there's probably lots of cached stories.5497771
Aw crud, you saw through my evil plan.
Maybe she was there, and we're all just blissfully oblivious of her existence.
I'm Applejack. Applejack Apple.
Omg, Flim and Flam are just... ugh.
Can't a man just sleep on his bed without having to worry about ponies paying for his bed, let alone sleeping in it?! I kind of feel bad for that guy.... oh well. It's entertainment, and dammit im going to be entertained!
Writers, keep writing!
Welp, this happened.
Cha ching!
Ahhh. Flim and Flam renting out your bed to everypony. Glorious premise
5498720
...how did you get that symbol there? It seems neither an img tag nor text
5499226
I don't know how to add it on this site, but a look at the sourcecode shows that it's styled text, only that it was added via css-before, making it unselectable
5497565
Eh, it's like all the other anti-evil weapons out there, all quite lethal to anyone mundane; silver bullet for a werewolf, stake through the heart for a vampire, decapitation for a zombie...
Ok, maybe not immediately lethal like those.
Unless you smash them over the head with the canister I suppose?
5499357
See, that's why I asked. At first I thought it might've been one of the Bookshelf icons, but indeed, it's text. But they use a lot of custom fonts as icons here on fimfic, hence why I wasn't sure. (and I couldn't be bothered dumpster-diving in the CSS)
Persistent buggers, aren't they? At least the gold isn't fictional.
"If you two hoodlums don't go back through whatever dimensional rift you came from, I will find Luna and she will tear you a new one!"
"A new rift, or a new... *gulp* one?"
"Yes."
*Flim and Flam zim-zam it out of there*
It was already a great chapter when he told Celestia to stuff it. Everything else was icing on the cake.
Most excellent.
Hmm...
for every pony that invades my bed, that's an hour of Godzilla stomping through Equestria in some bizarre form of petty revenge.
Flim Flam Brothers are best antagonists!
5504501
I'll get right on that
5778997
I think you mean: metal mace in the face x2 combo.
On the bright side, that register must be bursting with bits.