Everypony Wants Your Bed
Shachza
Just another ordinary day. At least you hope it is. You got up relatively on time and didn't have to rush too much. Your bed, thankfully, stayed an otherwise unoccupied bed long enough for you to get some shuteye.
Work was work, lunch was lunch, clocking out was... Well, after the last while you'd come to dread the drive home just a little bit. It's not that you hated leaving work; it's just that you'd grown very wary of what you might find at home waiting for you.
So when you pulled up out front of your homely little place you were hardly surprised, yet still so incredibly dismayed, to find a line of small colorful equines stretching ten-long out your front door. One of your neighbors was on his stoop and stood as you got out of your car, dread building inside you as you tried and failed to imagine just why there were so many ponies at your house today.
"Hey! You gotta' keep your ponies on leashes, y'know!"
You wave him off, eyes still warily scanning the impatiently waiting equines.
"Leashes?" A mint green unicorn up near the door fires back. Lyra, your work-addled brain manages to note. "Leashes?! What do you think we are... um... Mister? You are a mister, right?"
A miniature shouting war erupts between your neighbor and several now irate ponies. You, on the other hand, who has become somewhat inured to the weirdness of it all, simply make for your front door. The source of this new situation was not going to be found out here, after all.
But as you approach your front steps a turquoise pegasus with mane and tail in multiple shades of orange moves to block you.
"Hey, bub, where do you think you're going? If you want in, get in line!" Her wings rustle as she stares you down.
Not good, but you weren't about to be dissuaded. "This is my house!"
"Oh, yeah? I don't see your name on it!"
"You see that mailbox? You see it?" She peers past you without letting you out of her sight. "That's my name, right there! This is my house."
Her fiery orange eyes narrow. "Hey, we're all paying good bits here," a chorus of soft agreements rises up from the rest of the line, "so prove it, or get in line."
You splutter for a moment, trying to decide whether hitting her would be worth it. She looks kind of built, like a racer, with clean muscle lines running across most of her lean frame. Probably not worth the pain. And looking back across the rest of the line... Yeah, ten to one, not counting who else might be inside, it definitely wasn't worth it. Plus, she was a girl after all.
And there was another way in.
There are thankfully no ponies around the back. Good. And your key works like a charm. Perfect. You stomp through the rear entry, around your kitchen table, down the hall, but stop dead at the doorway to the living room.
True to the outside, there were more ponies. The stairs boasted a neat wall of them leading up and out of sight. You could guess where they were all going, though not why. And in your poor living area there were more, though not in any line. The couch boasted a large pearly white winged unicorn with a pastel astral mane and tail, and your dead grandfather's favorite recliner held a similar horse-thing, but in shades of blue with stars in its…
Oh, it’s Luna again. She’s arranged somewhat uncomfortably across the seat and raised footrest - and area far too small for her. You would have waved had you been in a better mood.
On the floor in front of the TV were half a dozen more non-pegacorn ponies lounging around your carpet and likely shedding hair everywhere. You'd probably have to vacuum the whole place, ceilings and all, after this.
Even the corners held a pony or two. And all of them were chatting amicably like your living room was the most normal place to hang out. In fact, like your living room was a particularly happening place to hang out.
"What the hell is going on here?!"
All the various conversations cut off just like that, dozens of brightly-colored eyes homing in on you. That might not have been the best of ideas but you were quickly reaching the point of no longer caring.
The white horse-icorn gracefully slides off the couch onto her hooves, smiling gently at you. "Ah. We here," she indicated the gathering in the living area with a forehoof, "are simply enjoying the ambience and the company. The ponies there," her forehoof swung toward the stairs and the line of equine, "are waiting to access the most delightful bed. And who might you be?"
"The owner of this house," you growl.
"The owner? Oh dear." A look of consternation crosses her features as her magenta eyes drift up toward where your stairs passed beyond the ceiling. "Well, it is nice to meet you. I am Princess Celestia and on behalf of my little-"
"Stuff it. I don't care." You barge your way past the now speechless princess and head straight through the crowd, one destination seared into your thoughts. The gasps from the other ponies don't bother you one whit.
Maybe you could just burn your bed and get a sleeping bag. No, the one white unicorn - was her name ‘Shades?’ - proved that fire wouldn't work.
The ponies at the bottom of the stairs step back as you approach. Apparently you'd perfected your death glower somewhere between sane real life and this pony-infested mess. The ones on the stairs don't have the luxury of seeing you coming. A prim-looking gray and black plain pony indignantly protests as you shove past, which alerts the blue and darker blue unicorn stallion (okay, you were getting better at identifying their sexes) ahead of her, and which, in turn, makes the blue and rainbow pegasus in front of them both...
Oh, it’s Rainbow Dash. Again. Yay.
"What's the big deal!" She awkwardly turns around, hind hooves two steps higher than her fores. Strangely, the persian blue pegasus mare with spiky cerulean and white hair just upstairs from her takes a moment to enjoy the view. "You can't just cut in front of ponies like that!"
"Yeah!" Comes a chorus from behind you.
"You gotta' wait in line if you want the bed, mister!" Another chorus echoes agreement from downstairs. A lone, patient voice is also arguing - somewhat futilely - for understanding.
"It's my bed, and I'll use it whenever I damned well want to!"
Rainbow blinks her magenta eyes but her face hardens almost immediately. "Oh, yeah? I don't think so! We're paying good bits for this!"
She steps down one stair, forcing you one backward. It's a bad situation - she aggressive and on the higher ground - and despite your anger you know it. But just as you're considering how you might be able to outfight a pegasus, and whether you even should - because she's a girl, you know - the blue unicorn next to you steps into her recently vacated spot. Like clockwork the rest of the line moves up.
"Hey! That's my spot!"
"You stepped out of the line," deadpans the unicorn.
"What?! No! I'm defending the line from, um, whatever this thing here is!" She zips into the air on furious wings, hovering with her nose an inch from his. "You give me my spot back!"
Hah! Serves her right! The distraction is all you need to turn sideways and slip past. You will not be denied!
"No! I'm not going to miss out again on another awesome thing because I got stuck in the back of the line again! Now give me my spot back!"
Ahhhh. ‘Glorious payback,’ you think to yourself, grinning evilly as you crest the stairs.
At the top, in the hallway, you find two more ponies at the end of the line with a desk blocking off the rest of the hall. On it there is one of those silly old-timey cash registers - the ones that go 'ding!' - and behind that are two more unicorns. Both are tall, pale yellow, and wearing straw hats, striped vests, and bow ties. And two of the biggest shi... smarmy grins you've ever seen.
Oh, these two must be real pieces of work. And they're blocking your hallway. For some reason there aren't any other ponies between you and them anymore.
"Greetings friend!" Exclaims one.
"And salutations!" Equally exclaims the other.
"He's Flim."
"And he's Flam."
"And together, we're-," they go stereo on you.
But you're not having it. "About to get a free, mandatory ticket on the next flight down those stairs unless you tell me just what you think you're doing in my house, in my hall, and with my bed!"
The left on gulps. The right one opens his mouth. "Well, you see, sir. We heard of this wonderful place."
And lefty continues. "This amazingly wonderful location."
"That everypony was raving about!"
"And we thought to ourselves..."
"Brother. This sounds like the deal of the century!"
"So we-"
"You're charging ponies for use of my bed." The blandness of your tone is so unnervingly bland it makes the two unicorns involuntary shudder.
"Well... it is an amazing bed."
"Stupendously wonderful."
"Perfect for all sorts of leisur-"
"No. My house. My bed. Get out." You finger directs them downstairs and toward a small crowd of worried pony faces.
For a moment the two just stare at you with wide eyes. Then you do something with yours and the two are gone. Hopefully you can later remember just what you did to make them flee your presence so satisfyingly.
The register lifts off, surrounded by a green halo, and makes to follow after them.
"Nope. My house, my cash!"
It's actually not that hard to grab the thing. And with it tucked safely under your arm you make your way around the desk and to your bedroom door. This is it. The moment of truth. You never bothered asking exactly what the ponies might have been doing in there. It's a bedroom so that really narrows the options. Sleeping and snu snu are the most likely culprits. When you hear a soft feminine giggle from behind the door your blood runs cold. Nobody giggles like that in their sleep!
You crack the door.
"Moooo..."
What the...?! You thrust the door wide, smashing it satisfyingly against the wall and making the massive lump under your covers jerk mightily. For a long moment you just stand and stare in shock. The lump is huge! Yes, there are definitely multiple ponies under there.
The lump wiggles, shifting and twisting, and shortly a head pops out of one side. It's pink - very pink - with a long horn and flowing purple, magenta, and gold mane with a cute little curl at the end. She's like every little girl's princess pony dream made flesh. Judging by the look of her, considering the fun she's apparently having, she’s probably saturated your mattress with glitter. Your bed... This time it's definitely getting the flamethrower once you find one. eBay still sells them, right?
"Oh, hello! Is it your turn already?" She says to you, waving as recognition of you dawns.
Your house is just packed with familiar ponies. But that’s not going to stop you. "Yes. My bed. Get out."
"Certainly. Twilight, dear, it's time to go."
Another head extricates itself, this time a lavender unicorn with straight dark blue mane with streaks of violet and rose in it. "Darn. I really missed this."
"Oh, God, what were you doing in there?!" Not that you really wanted to know. It was just the kind of things people asked in this situation.
"Oh, we were playing barnyard animals!" The pink one cheerfully explains. Correction, your bed will be dropped in a vat of acid and then burned. You were certain that was both possible and a perfectly logical reaction to this situation.
"Twilight and I used to do this every time I would foalsit her. Snuggling under the covers to play this game or that."
She turns out to be another unicorn with wings. Where they heck do they keep coming from? Your covers fly their way off your bed under the power of her pale blue aura. But underneath isn't a mess better suited for some adult-rated sexy horror show. Instead a cheap plastic barnyard complete with smattering of brightly colored animals lies strewn across your mattress. Cows, chickens, pigs...
Even a horse figurine. Why?! Your brain does not compute.
"Well, whatever you do, I hope you enjoy yourself!" Says the lavender one as she leaves.
"It was nice meeting you!" Calls the other.
The door shuts and your room is yours again. Your sanctum is whole. Your retreat is secure. And heck, the pink one even remade your bed in the process. Maybe she wasn't so bad.
Nah. She was still a pony.
You drop the register unceremoniously in a corner - you'll check your winnings later - and flop across your bed, doing your best to hug it. It's just not possible to do more than grasp the opposite edges of the mattress and squeeze, but it's the thought that counts. And right now you love your bed. Your bed. You'll never let it go again.
Heck, it was pretty comfortable. Maybe even unearthly so. Hopefully that wasn’t a side effect of whatever that clever pony had been worried about. And after the day you'd had, a nap actually sounded pretty good. You'd worry about the ponies later.
Then, faintly and from downstairs, "step right up, everypony! You too can sleep in the most wondrous, amazing, stupendous, and mind-bogglingly comfortable bed. Straight from exotic hyoomunland - and with an actual hyoomun too - for only fifty bits!"