Rachel Green
A Stranger in Your Bed
Admiral Biscuit
You trudge home, head held low, after an overly-long day at work. As usual, the night shift had shirked their duties, and as usual, the boss had asked for volunteers to help get things squared away. As usual, you'd opened your big stupid mouth, gotten a friendly clap on the shoulder . . . and saddled yourself with enough work to keep you until after dark.
Your lunch break—sandwiches from home—is a long-distant memory by the time you finally clock out for the day. The only small blessing in an otherwise wearying day is that a number of restaurants are still open, and they offer take-away.
You finally make it home, with exactly four items left on your agenda: feed your cat, feed yourself, consider soaking in a hot bath, and go to bed.
You push open the door to your house and trudge wearily into the dining room. Missy, your cat, twines herself around your legs in grudging affection, and immediately begins meowing. She trails you to the cupboard, making sure that you know it is her meal time—in fact, it is long past her mealtime—and she is most displeased.
Your stomach growls at the smell of the cat food. It's not anything you'd ever want to eat, but you're bordering on starvation yourself. Okay, not really—and you could probably stand to lose a few pounds—but just like Missy, when you miss a scheduled meal-time, your body protests.
As soon as Missy falls to her bowl, you take out your dinner and set it on the table, chowing down without bothering to get a plate or silverware. A cold cider is just the thing to accompany the meal, and when you're done, you crumple up the paper wrappers and toss them in the wastebasket, rinse out the bottle so it can be recycled, and give Missy a few moments of affection.
She gives you a few pleasant purrs before turning her attention to an unwashed spot on her hind leg, and proceeds to lick it. You sigh and trudge towards the stairs. Cats have a funny way of showing love.
Each stair-step is a modified version of 'she loves me/she loves me not'—'take a bath/don't take a bath'? On the plus side, a nice hot bath is very relaxing—relaxing enough that falling asleep in the tub is a possibility. But it warms the whole body and relaxes the muscles. On the minus side, you're not a real fan of going to bed wet, and the inevitable chill after getting out of the bath is an important factor to consider, too.
The stairs share your reasoning; the final step is 'no bath,' and you accept this homey wisdom. Still, you need to go into the bathroom long enough to use the toilet and brush your teeth, and all the while the bathtub is tormenting you with its porcelain promises. You ignore it, spit out your toothpaste, and head for bed.
When you get into your bedroom, however, something is wrong. There's a huge lump in your bed, as if a huddled figure were covering itself with blankets. Close observation reveals that the covers are moving slowly up and down.
Your bed was empty when you left, of that you are certain. You would have remembered if it had been in any other state this morning. And while Missy has been known to crawl into bed with you—usually when she wants breakfast—or even play in it at night, the lump is far too big to be Missy.
Gingerly, you reach out and pull the cover back, staying alert lest you find yourself needing to evacuate quickly. You've heard rumors of burglars falling asleep while 'on the job,' so to speak, and while such a thing is highly unlikely here, it could happen.
There is nothing as mundane as a burglar in your bed. You whisk the covers off with a surety you don't feel, like you're revealing an artistic masterpiece to the world, and reveal a slumbering form which would be known to tens of thousands of fans the world over—Rachel Green, star of the hit television show My Little Human.
You'd never believed humans were real, and you'd never believed that even if they were you'd ever seen one. You'd hoped—you'd imagined scenes in your mind, and even written some of them down—but what would you do with an actual sleeping human?
You quickly throw the covers back over her before she wakes up and flutter your wings in agitation. Deep breaths, deep breaths, don't panic, you remind yourself as you catch yourself pacing around the room. From the quick glance you got, she's about as tall as the fans estimated, and—true to speculation—she hasn't got a coat at all. Not that you can see.
You turn as you hear a yawn from behind you. She's moving around under the covers, and you take a step back into the doorway, just in case. In the show, humans are generally friendly, unless cornered or provoked, so you're probably safe.
She stretches, and opens her eyes, looking directly at you. “Hi,” she says brightly.
“Hi?” You manage a brief bit of civility before your brain takes a brief unauthorized leave of absence. “Oh my gosh, you're Rachel Green from the TV show My Little Human. That's amazing!”
“Oh my God, you're a talking horse!”
“Why are you in my bed?” you ask, stepping back into the room.
“I just woke up here—I didn't know it was yours.” She lifted the covers, then primly tucked them back over herself. “We didn't—“
“No.” You flatten your ears. “I would have remembered that.”
“Me, too, I hope.” You'd had fantasies, sure, who hadn't? But unfortunately, those didn't count. Now that the possibility was staring you in the face—literally!—you aren't sure how to continue. Especially since you're exhausted. Physically and mentally, now. This is not the kind of situation which should be dealt with after a fourteen-hour day on cloud duty. “You're in my bed,” you say again. Hardly original, but you can't think of anything else.
“It's the only one in the house.”
“Yes. I should know. I bought all the furniture.”
“Is there a hotel?”
“I am not getting a hotel room for the night just because some random TV character showed up in my bed for no reason whatsoever.” You look over her shoulder and out the window just to make certain that there aren't any ballet buffalo or cotton-candy clouds. “It's my bed, and I'm going to sleep in it!”
“So no hotel, then?”
I shook my head.
“Well. . . .” Rachel looked around the room, deep in thought. You were beginning to wish you'd had a couch. You could go downstairs, flop out on the couch, and deal with this in the morning, after a good night's sleep. You tap your hoof in impatience, before finally coming to a decision.
“Shove over. I'm coming in.”
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Everyone wants friends?
I always found Monica hotter than Rachel. I mean yeah Jennifer Aniston is hot but she's not the end all be all as son guys treat her lol.
5175155
It's kind of a parody of one of ocalhoun's stories, drawing on a never-published fic I was working on back in 2012.
Still, I wouldn't kick Jennifer Aniston out of bed for eating crackers.
5175165 I think it'd take a decomposing woodchuck. But I agree with 5175161 and now we're debating the hotness of characters from a show older than members of this fandom.
5175161
I never actually watched Friends--Jennifer Aniston's the only actress from the show I'm familiar with at all.
My personal favorite actress from a TV show is Maura Tierney (ER)
5175174
Not all members (although I did think of that when I picked my actress).
Hell, I'm getting uncomfortably close to 40.
<cries a little bit>
5175178
Hottest actress is whoever is Donna in That 70s Show. I got a thing for red heads lol.
5175182 You only got about 10 years on me, I'm 28.
But you know what they say, you're only as old as you feel/act... I'm starting to see why my grandfather always said he was 16. A very reserved and quiet 16 year old but still.
The longer he's been dead the clearer I understand him, he was a very wise man.
5175185
Laura Prepon? The girl playing Mina in our local production of Dracula looks a lot like her.
5175189
I have almost exactly 10 years on you (depending on when your birthday is)
I act like I'm 10, but my body tells me I'm not. Especially my back. Dumb back.
This is somewhat undercut by the story image. I hope that you weren't hoping for the reveal to be a surprise.
5175202 Knees and ankles here, then again I walk almost 12 hours a day at work... the stairs, curse the man which invented stairs.
But most of my good co-workers make me feel like I'm back in middle school... Some good times are had.
5175212
Not really. The working title was "Jennifer Aniston is in Your Bed." It was going to be part of Twilight gets Stoned and Stares at her Hoof and other Abominations, but I just got carried away and made it long enough to stand on its own.
5175222 I figured as much. Your track record at twisting expectations into (at least minor) revelations is exemplary so far.
5175228
I've always like taking whatever other people are doing, and running off in the other direction midway through. You probably noticed I didn't make any pony-specific references until after the human was revealed.
5175233 I was quite aware, and saw through your shallow deception immediately. The use of the "saddled with extra work"phrasing almost made me reconsider, though. almost.
5175239
I thought that was rather apt, given how the story eventually turns out.
Am I the only one who caught that?
27bslash6.com/images/missing_missy7.jpg
I had a friend who was obsessed with that. It was his steam avatar for like 5 years.
That sounds like some kind of weird toilet anecdote...
Uh, I enjoyed this story. And the 2nd person is done better than that other fic, but... it's still 2nd person... But even so, this was still an enjoyable read.
>Humanized
get this disgusting shit off my site
derpicdn.net/img/2012/7/5/32640/full.png
5175161 Excuse you?
Ross is obviously the hottest
Despite the differences in situation, I'm jealous of the protagonists of both stories for very similar reasons.
At the least, try to get her a pillow.
5175462
>"Your" site
Bitch! Set'chur muhfuckin' punk ass down 'fo you get rekt!
5175212
I was surprised
i.imgur.com/Pj3iFdY.gif
I don't know what I expected.
By the way, yes, that link is exactly what you think it is.
5175433
I hope not. I wouldn't want to think people were missing Missy.
I just liked the alliteration, that's why I left it.
I'm not generally a fan of 2nd person myself, but I've found it useful for some types of stories, like this one. I can't see myself using it for anything longer than a one-shot, though.
5175462
According to her Wikipedia page, Jennifer Aniston has always been human.
5175471
That, of course, is totally up to the reader's imagination.
5176451
I read both that one and this one Tuesday night, which is when I decided to basically do the opposite.
5175462
First, this is not "Your" site. This is a community, created and moderated by Knighty.
Secondly, this is a human in a pony's bed, not the other way around, thus it is not humanized, and your argument is both invalid and uncalled for.
... "How you doin'?"
5175185
As do I.
5178109
you fucking hipsters disgust me, it's 2014 and people still pretend to act like they're attracted to humans. humans are disgusting piles of period blood compared to the superior anthro and pony race
I come in and see a provocative picture of Jennifer Anniston...Sure...Sure, why not?
We love how you take (now) cliche ideas and flip them around. Too bad these are one shots...
Keep going! ;)
5179938 We?
5181793 Erm, me?
5181803 I, tsauk, I.
5182318 right, got it. I lost our conversation thread for a moment.
What a twist!
5182493
Thanks!
5182829
Apparently not (mods didn't reject it for lack of the tag). I don't think there's enough mention of the "Friends-verse" (if that's even a thing) for this to count. Had I mentioned "Friends" lore, or it hinged upon something which happened in an episode, then it would have deserved the tag . . . but that's just my opinion.
Man, you missed an opportunity! The chapter title should have been 'The One With Rachel Green' or something.
5175182
I was in a bad mood and read this story so I could vent by down-clicking a bad fanfic. Unfortunately, it wasn't all that bad.
...Mostly because it didn't even hint at any sexual activity. Bravo! Your self-discipline is better than average. Probably because you're so very, very old. (By the way, I'm a good deal older, you young whippersnapper. No, I won't say exactly how much.)
Sometimes I think we should ask every person alive, "If a sexually attractive person offered to have intercourse with you, would your answer be "yes" or "no?"" and then institutionalize everyone who answers, "yes" for being too foolish to be allowed to live unsupervised.
5512413
I'm not sure if I should say "Thanks!" or apologize.
5512413
State-sponsored birth control at its finest.
But if you were going to present the lead character from "My Little Human", shouldn't that have been Tara Strong?
I mean, think about it
Everything else with the story, yeah, I could go with that