• Published 15th Oct 2014
  • 1,723 Views, 77 Comments

Everypony is Drunk and Speaking Russian For Some Reason - Admiral Biscuit



Four short one-shots about random events in random pony lives.

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4: The Tragic End of Maregellen

The Tragic End of Maregellen
Admiral Biscuit

On the sterncastle of Her Royal Majesty's ship Trinidad, Commander Maregellen stood next to the helmspony, studying a globe which her good friend Chancellor Puddinghead had given her. They were—by her best reckoning—more than halfway between Equestria and the other side of Equestria.

Everypony had told her that she was crazy, but she was sure she could sail around the whole thing.

“Land ahead,” a pegasus reported from the crow's next. “Shoaling water, and then land.”

Are we there? She trembled with excitement, and turned to her helmsmare. “Bring the ship as close as you can without grounding her.”

Maregellen galloped around the ship, gathering supplies and preparing for a landing party. She was certain this wasn't her final destination . . . but if there were ponies on the land, perhaps she could ask where they were. The globe didn't show any land here, but it wasn't a very useful tool for navigation, in all honestly. Only the largest landmasses were shown.

Presently, she found herself on the strange shore, accompanied by four of her most loyal mares. She stuck a Ponygese flag in the sand, on the off chance that this land hadn't been claimed by somepony else already, and trotted across the rising land, her exploration party on her heels.

By the end of the day, they'd reached the other side of the landmass. There was no ocean there; there was no nothing. Only an empty space, studded with stars.

In frustration, Maregellen bravely went to the very edge, and peered over, hoping against hope to see something below her—some strange land or sea, but there was naught.

She craned her neck over the edge, and got a glimpse of the strata of rock, neatly sliced as if by a cleaver, before the loose topsoil crumbled underhoof. The last thing her crew heard was a diminishing scream as she fell off the edge of Equestria.

The four mares looked around at each other in wide-eyed wonder, before tossing the globe off the edge, too.

Author's Note:

A One-Shot-Ober fic

The real Magellan is credited as the first man to circumnavigate the globe, although he didn't make it past the Philippines.

Comments ( 51 )

Well, that's one way for a clean death. :pinkiecrazy:
Though where would they end up? Do they just de-spawn 256 meters into the void?

5141680

HOW DID YOU WRITE THIS!?

Google Translate, copy & paste, plus a bottle of vodka and a bad idea in my head that just wouldn't go away.:pinkiehappy:

5141689

Lol, I have my reading mode set to Dark, could see the translations right away.

There's probably some command that works around that. I was happy enough that I figured out how to make them background color (for most people).

Incidentally, in the days before LCD and LED computer monitors, I could see the refresh rate on the old CRTs, and always had my monitor set to a traditional monochrome (black with green text).

5141712

Though where would they end up? Do they just de-spawn 256 meters into the void?

I don't know. Fall forever, maybe? Respawn at ground level, but still off the edge of the earth, fall again, and repeat?

Or maybe she'll fall until she reaches the bottom of Equestria (Equestralia), and wind up there.

5141736 As long as she remembers to reach out at just the right time, otherwise the whole process starts right over again!

5141730 I think the problem is that the site doesn't define a CSS rule for "This text should be the background color" so that it could be dynamic, otherwise we totally could!
Should not see me! Nothing to see here!
However, the comments section don't ever change style, so your method would totally work in the comments section! :twilightsmile:

5141779
I thought about including the translation in the comments box, but people hate scrolling down to it, and then back up to the story. I even provided a hint in Twilight's line before the Russian began.

Of course, I didn't feel the need to provide a translation for the Swedish in the first chapter. :trollestia:

the site doesn't define a CSS rule

LOL, I don't know what that is. I'd probably break it if it were a feature.

As long as she remembers to reach out at just the right time, otherwise the whole process starts right over again!

I read a short sci-fi story once, way back when, about a guy who fell through a hole cut through the axis of a planet (Venus, I think it was). Can't remember the name off the top of my head. He vented the cooling system on his spacesuit (IIRC) to slightly change his fall, and escape the endless diminishing oscillations.

5141804 Wow you're sneaky! This is what I get for taking things at face value.... Not so good at reading between lines most of the time.
CSS = Cascading Style Sheets, it's what makes the site all beautiful and pretty instead of old school. :coolphoto:
We've decided that it is easier to put smilies in when the phone is in landscape mode. :pinkiecrazy:
Spamming icons! :scootangel:

5141804

LOL, I don't know what that is. I'd probably break it if it were a feature.

CSS=Cascading Style Sheets

Essentially, they're a tool in web design where you can put a header section at the beginning of your page that defines exactly how certain flags look on the page. You can also put these definitions in a separate document entirely.

Let's say you wanted a "Twilight Sparkle" font. You decide to color the text and background based on her mane and coat. And you want it to look like script without using a weird font that some people may not be able to see correctly, so it's going to be Time New Roman in italics.

So you put "font.twilight {font-family: times new roman; font-style:italic; background-color: #DCAEEE; color: #3C4D85;}" in the header.

Then, in your text, you just have to use font style="twilight", and it will look how you wanted.

The problem on FIMFic is that the different color changes never account for the background-color definition, so changing the font color doesn't have the same effect for each user.

Also these were very dumb, but in an entertaining way.

5141847
The last technical type of computer thing I played with was DOS 6. After that, I've just used whatever new OS Microsoft comes out with, and complained bitterly about how much worse it is than its predecessor.

I did take one computer class back in college, but there was a lot of stuff about writing web pages, and that didn't seem like a terribly useful skill to have, so I dropped the class.

5141867
Okay, that all makes sense. :pinkiehappy:

5141887
In looking through my notes, none of these four idea prompts were worth making a standalone story out of. I could have . . . but by the time a reader got through a thousand words of everypony speaking Russian, for example, it wouldn't be funny any more.

5141924 Yeah, one day we'll get back to three second boot times... maybe.
Back then you didn't need a several-hundred-dollar application suite to program either, it came with the OS! *sigh* Nostalgia...

5141937
My new Windows 8 machine is pretty quick--faster than the XP machine it replaced--but my Compaq Portable III booted in about 2 seconds.

It doesn't take long to check 640k of RAM, even for a 12mHz processor...

5141964 Lol indeed, as well as when the main OS is only a few kilobytes itself. :ajsleepy:

5141976
It didn't always remember it had one. Bios battery was shot. If I left it off for a couple of days, I had to use a boot disk to get it going again

5141988 Sad day it is when your primary boot disk get erased by a stray kitchen magnet. I once spent hours reconstructing the MBR by hand from the manual. :pinkiesad2: The internet is good for some things at least...

5141804

I read a short sci-fi story once, way back when, about a guy who fell through a hole cut through the axis of a planet (Venus, I think it was). Can't remember the name off the top of my head. He vented the cooling system on his spacesuit (IIRC) to slightly change his fall, and escape the endless diminishing oscillations.

That would be. . . an interesting way to go, if it had failed. That's for sure.

Well, so it goes when you fall off the Disc

Well done, very funny)))

Don't be boring

Correct translation: Не будь скучной.

Drink the vodka

Correct translation: Выпей водки.
Best regards.

I have read life.

5142616
Thank you; corrections made.

5142474
Exactly!

At least she now has a nine-pound wheel of cheese she can put on pinecones or whatever she eats.

there was no nothing

I think this should be, "There was no anything." or, "There was nothing."

But apart from that, I liked all four of these stories. And AJ's line was the best in the second chapter.

5143587

I think this should be, "There was no anything." or, "There was nothing."

Grammatically, you're correct. "No nothing" is a double negative. On the other hand, it's a somewhat-common turn of phrase.

5145190
Ah, that's why you did that. Well, that's fine then.

5141736

Fall until she passes the central point of Equestrian gravity, then slow down until she fell back the other way. The process would repeat until she finally ran out of momentum and was stuck floating at the center of Equestria. It would probably take a long time since there's not a whole lot of friction.

Though, if the center of Equestria isn't molten, once she's moving little enough she could grab the nearby profile of their world and climb back to the surface. :rainbowlaugh:

5145265
That's a boring scientific answer. The more I think about it, the more I like a sequel where she winds up in Equestralia.

5145285

"Boring?!" "Scientific?!"

How is it boring to fall down past several miles of strata, reverse, fall back the other way, and repeat until you come to a gentle rest mere feet from the very center of said geologic formation, spinning slowly? Then, to desperately grasp the nearby sheer face, pull yourself close, and then haul yourself back to the surface, ending up who-knows-where because you got turned around while doing said rotation. You might even end up under the ocean, yet since you are on the other side of the shear, you can safely have direct visual experience as to what lies beneath the water. Pulling yourself sideways until you find dry land on which to cross the shear would be a real pain though.

I have it! Twilight has to rescue Trixie, who she suspects has fallen off the face of the earth, but has merely wound up in the ponified version of the Land of the Lost. Obviously her wings aren't strong enough to lift her the whole way back over the edge because she is drunk on vodka she scored from the human world though, so she will need to use that rocket fuel she mentioned.

5150375

And Trixie was obviously knocked there by the wheel of cheese . . . yes, it all hangs together neatly. :pinkiehappy:

5145322

Then, to desperately grasp the nearby sheer face, pull yourself close, and then haul yourself back to the surface, ending up who-knows-where because you got turned around while doing said rotation.

Okay, I admit that does sound rather appealing. Especially trying to grab the rock face with hooves.

You might even end up under the ocean, yet since you are on the other side of the shear,

That's actually why there was a land mass there--so the water wouldn't drain off the edge. Otherwise, I would have had the ship just sail off the edge. :pinkiehappy:

5161776

Having just watched You Are Umasou,

I have no idea what this is.

I can only assume this ends with her adopting a baby Ankylosaurus and teaching it kickboxing.

But, given the context of the story, this is an entirely plausible ending.

5202284
Is it all correct, or did I screw up?

5145285

The more I think about it, the more I like a sequel where she winds up in Equestralia.

Well, if you want to go the fuck logic route you can say she pops out the animator's computer screen back where they make MLP's animation, as the end of the world was literally the end of the world the animators created. And then reasons mean falling off that end brings you into... actually instead of popping into reality, just popping into the computer itself outside the MLP files. And being able to go into all the other stuff.

Lets hope there's no clop files. :twilightoops:

My mind works like a BB in a vacuum.

5233149
The best part is you can see me leaning down and writing my notebook after someone who shall not be named says "Somebody write that."

5260584
Since I don't speak Russian, I had to rely on Google translate, and observed a few things [this is for the benefit of all my readers]:
Twilight and Rarity's names translate. AJ is 'Apple Jackie,' and Spike(?) is 'Pin.'
Fluttershy is apparently milking a bear.
Petrol drinks Rainbow Dash.

Oddly, if they're had enough vodka, this all makes sense. :derpytongue2:


Also, in all seriousness, this is the longest comment I've gotten thus far in a language I don't speak.

5754320
It's old Norse, and I misspelled it.

fekk skade på sin eigen hestefot.

Translation: broke his little horse's foot.

5754360

Interesting . . . sounds like it belongs in a nursery rhyme or something. How'd you happen to come up with it? And, seriously, thanks for the heads-up, and for the correction. Makes my job a bit easier with the phonetics and what. :twilightsmile:

Now, to work on my Russian . . .

5754376

Interesting . . . sounds like it belongs in a nursery rhyme or something.

It's an incantation to heal a broken bone.

How'd you happen to come up with it?

Strong Google-Fu. I think it took a few creative searches for that one.

And, seriously, thanks for the heads-up, and for the correction. Makes my job a bit easier with the phonetics and what.

Glad to!

Now, to work on my Russian . .

I can't help you with that. I can't even speak English right, y'know.

So did she end up meeting the giant tortoise that carries Equestria on it's back as it crawls through space?

Heh, that's silly though. Equestria is actually held up by the four yaks that stand on the tortoise's back, since they can balance it properly.

5886111

Heh, that's silly though. Equestria is actually held up by the four yaks that stand on the tortoise's back, since they can balance it properly.

No, it's turtles all the way down.
images.tribe.net/tribe/upload/photo/bbe/14b/bbe14bdc-d48f-4ec7-a675-184caea3deb2

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

I really liked the last line of this one. :3

6915719

The Pre-Readers are behind all of history's worst ideas. :V

Nobody should ever toss out a story hook when I'm around. I've proved that time and time again.

This made me very happy. :D

Thank you! Cygnus informed me that there was actually one year where they lost the cheese.
Also, for what it's worth, this is one of my favorite lines in anything I've ever written:

“Trixie. Did Trixie tell you that Twilight was gone?”
“Trixie is Trix—never mind. When will Sparkle be back?”

I really liked the last line of this one. :3

It's the most logical thing to do in the circumstance.

5887747

I've always found that answer unsatisfying, since it logically implies the universe, statistically speaking, is 100% turtles. God may be unreasonably fond of beetles, but I've never heard of the same being true of turtles.

(I do like the idea of Thestralia being on the flip side of the disk and gravity switching directions once you get close enough to the underside.)

I guess Twilight owns Puddinghead's globe?

10637120

I've always found that answer unsatisfying, since it logically implies the universe, statistically speaking, is 100% turtles. God may be unreasonably fond of beetles, but I've never heard of the same being true of turtles.

I’ll assume that’s just a translation thing. Beetles and turtles are kinda the same when you think about it.

(I do like the idea of Thestralia being on the flip side of the disk and gravity switching directions once you get close enough to the underside.)

Who’s to say it doesn’t? The turtles aren’t telling.

I guess Twilight owns Puddinghead's globe?

But what is that globe supported on?

Turtles.

It’s turtles all the way down. Or up, depending on which side you’re on.

(also, IIRC there’s an orrery in one of the comics)

10637406

It's a sphere AND a disk AND geocentric AND heliocentric. And it varies depending on where you are,

(Discord's grandpa, Quantum, did a real number on the place.)

PS - I dunno, the idea of the universe being mostly beetles is rather creepier than it being mostly turtles.

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