• Member Since 9th Sep, 2014
  • offline last seen Yesterday

hielispace


Just a dude

T

The world is ending unless Twilight can complete the tests that a new foe has gave to her. But will she come out the same as before?

Chapters (9)
Comments ( 35 )

This is pretty good just a tiny bit rushed but still good. Keep up the good work.

5163035 Thanks.:twilightsmile: and trust me, I know more than anyone else that my pacing is rushed.

5163063 What this transformation story about?

5163107 All I can say is "The balance of Nature" other than that
michellebeard.files.wordpress.com/2011/10/spoilers.jpg?w=719&h=414
That is all I can say, the spoiler gods are watching me

what animal did luna turn into?

5180043 I put it in the chapter. Thank you for telling me this.

5183044 were is it I don't see it?

5183258 I forgot to hit save before I exited the chapter :facehoof:

My next chapter is going to take a while because of school being hell and video games being too fun for their own good.

Comment posted by hielispace deleted Oct 28th, 2014

While the idea is sound and chapters are... Average, the overall is just "meh".
As whole, story feels rushed and not complete. More like key points for a story that are usually written before the story is made.
Last moment edit: I LIKED the story. But would be happy to see it improved. This is reason for critics.

The rest is "Spoilers".

I like the idea of harmony, or in this case, order having more influence than chaos which made the world unbalanced.
However, I find it odd that weather would be controlled by chaos (would happen by itself). While it's closer to our world, I don't find it appealing as controlled weather was one of features of Equestria.

As a note, the chaos might be a bigger factor in other counties besides Equestria, for example, for griffins, dragons, zebras or Saddle Arabians. Which, in turn, somewhat balances out Equestria's high levels of "order".

And chaos doesn't come in one form of "unpredictable" or "unexpected". For example, we can somewhat control weather. Does this mean that in real life there is more order? Absolutely not, but there is more of control. Because changing weather in one place has consequences in other.


The reasoning for Twilight's acceptance of permanent change seems... off? It isn't explored.
For all intents and purposes, she is a scientist. Her strong point is logic and analysis. In the first chapter it seems like she gave up without trying to find a loophole or even trying to overcome the obstacles in normal way.


Next point.
Twilight kills... Uh, what's her name? Ah, right. Genesis.
The character made for a single chapter? While it works in many cases, it doesn't seem right here somehow.
Twilight Sparkle, as well as Elements of Harmony, are a big figures in the series as well as important ones in that universe. Stealing them from the world would require a bit ... more?
They battled Tirek for goodness sake!

But back to Genesis. Why did she know that she needs to take down Sparkle? Why did she do it? Was her reasoning same as Twilight's?
But still... Why?
There seems to be no indication that this question will be or was answered from her perspective.

Dark tag implied in next reasoning.
While we know that "killing" implies complete destruction of a person and physical death... I consider that mental death is as much bad as physical (which includes mental).
For example. Fluttershy gets converted and has no will of her own, nor her choices that would be based on her personal experiences, wishes, desires. Her body tells her to do the bidding of her master and sustain herself. Rest isn't shown.
If other elements mentality has changed (Rarity), how do they react to it? Why would they react or not? Are they now just a puppets for a puppeteer?
There are many a ways to kill a character. This is one of them.

However... Do they want anything? Their real self. Not just "obey master", but what would Fluttershy want? Why would she?
Rarity always a fashionista. Why would she accept the change? Mind control has happened, okay. But isn't her core fighting back? Is she completely suppressed? Is she even herself anymore?
What about personal will? Wouldn't they fight back?

However, if not take for a fact that elements were converted, story wise... What sense does it make? :rainbowhuh:
Elements become replaceable by any other pony in their lack of effect on world. Unless lack of effect is what's supposed to happen.

This also raises a question. Why wouldn't Sweetie Belle be converted to something like Ursa Minor, but really small one? That's not a general bear and with magic she could make some... Unexpected things to happen.

Next point that comes to mind is that ponies disappear noticeably. Twilight, Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow, Fluttershy, Pinkie. Each one is a key point in their own location. Not that Ponyville citizens were really bright, but three of six would cause a discomfort when gone missing.
Not a single ill pet?
No problems at the farm?
Weather team just forgets about fastest flier?
Cupcakes and pink randomness appearing from nowhere?

Although explainable by "total city wide mind control", it doesn't seem right somehow.

Sorry for jumping from topic to topic, but...
Pinkie isn't chaotic? Just give her a horn and don't explain a thing and it will be "fun-fun-fun!". Or wings.
Keeping her a pony and giving her shapeshifting abilities (for example) would keep town on alert status all the time. Expecting the unexpected.

Discord's powers are vast and not always controlled, nor act as expected. Merely infusing every pony with a bit of chaos could do the trick. Chaos would spread from Ponyville and onwards even with no need for mind control. And each pony would understand chaos in t heir own way. Like "Dao".

Decreasing amount of order may be done... In many violent and non-violent ways.


Last point.
Gore.
EW! Seriously? Not that I don't like gore, but ... Was there a real reason for it? Did they feel remorse or happiness? I know it's the latter, but only for one instance and one moment of time. But what happened afterwards? Mind control is a good tool. But it needs to be explored (referring to earlier point of ramblings).

Go to derpiboru.org and search for this:
banner, blood, fluttershy, grimdark
or this: blood, cake, photo, unicorn
eye scream, nightmare fuel, derpy
eye scream, nightmare fuel
artist:aisu-isme
fluttertree, grotesque

This is strictly NSFW and won't show unless you are logged in. Warning for anyone besides author that is reading this: unless you like to see dead things, don't look. I mean really like, not just "for lulz".

Look at Fallout Equestria. The gore just happens because ... Well, events lead up to it. I know I'm comparing to a very good and popular story, but the concept of any event is that it has a reason, unless it's completely random.

Hopefully this was helpful.

On another note you can say "This is Cupcakes and I do what I want".

1.bp.blogspot.com/-KeKx7dojtMg/UJcb5eVBIoI/AAAAAAAAASI/SvlElgvfB1o/s320/23942172.jpeg

If you accept suggestions, plz make Time Turner (Doctor Who looking pony) become a clockwork pony. It would be fitting, don't you think? :pinkiecrazy:
Like this one. http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-172

CANCELLED!!!??!! You monster...:raritydespair::raritycry::flutterrage:

5555705 This version of the story is cancelled, I am making a rewrite that will go further. it will be similar but not exactly the same.

5557537 Your be happy to know that the first chapter of the rewrite should be finished by Tuesday.

5739203 You should probably fix the "Canceled" notice then. It really isn't, since you're updating in place.

I'm about to start reading this for the first time but I guess I'll restrict myself to the rewritten portions.

Twilight using the spells feels unmotived except be her being an idiot. Maybe add another challage at the start she barely get out alive so she has some motivation to 'cheat'.

Angle

Angel

Whenona

Winona

Check names before posting they are among the easiest things for a spell corrector to get wrong.

Instead of flying over like she would normally she instead jumped in, clearing it without even trying.

I think you mean jumped over.

Ok, two chapters of the transformations of the other main 6.
Problem 1: these two chapters feel like villain sue. I.e there is no conflict.
Problem 2: we are taking focus away from Twilight, wher there is conflict.
Possible solution: spreed these chapters out and interspace them with Twilight's arc. That way they are adding tension to her arc. I.e. A race against time to complete the challenges before her friend are changed.

“Yes yes I’m coming

missing end quote.

Also there's a number of spelling mistakes, you might want to think about getting a beta reader or an editor. There a group called "looking for editor" that can help.

5762166 Thank you, and I agree with your name :twilightsmile:

sorry if this is kind of harsh, but the princesses are kind of out of character. I mean, sure they want whats best fir Equestria, but even if they thought that this whole nature plan was the best, they still wouldn't force it on anypony.

Was kind of hoping for something different. I've always wanted a story like i'm about to explain but never found one and thought this might be close to what i was wanting . Like Eris being Discords lover who hasn't seen each other sense before the time of the Alicorn sister's because she was severely injured. Modern day now she takes Twilight and gives her the power of herself turning Twilight into the second Embodiment of Chaos while giving her some memories of her past life. Then having Discord find out that Twilight is now pretty much Eris and His reaction, Along with everyone else's.

But yeah i thought that this story might be along the lines of that and at first two chapter i thought it was gonna be really close. But as the story continued on it just went in a complete opposite direction of how it was going in the beginning. There's also how rushed and random stuff happening, Such as Huntress suddenly being Twilight and there being no clue or hint of it, How OC all the character's are and then how Genesis is completely out of the story after the 3 or 4 chapter.

I think the story was alright not the greatest i have read and at the same time not the worst. Don't think it deserves as many dislikes it has. But oh well. I'll give this a like

when can we expect the next chapter?

OH NO NO NO NO !

How this is getting beter ?

This story had a decent start but became came nonsensical and kind of random towards the end.

Like where is Spike in all this? Does twilight plan to erase the baby dragon she raised and make him another pet?

Twilight just unhesitatingly erased her friends and replaced them with animals to keep as pets??

No hesitation whatsoever from the princesses to become animals change names and forcibly convert ponyville pop to animals??? And they implied they we're going to do it elsewhere as well why would they force this on other ponies? Their essentially robbing them of free will. their reason isn't even sound how can there be too much harmony? Isn't that their goal? How are the princesses going to explain this to Canterlot??

In the end this story became less about Twilight and more about random animal tfs and they all got out of character in the end.

And genisis is... Where?

Discord betrayed fluttershy again? And basically killed her?

no offense but this needs a rewrite in story and plot.

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