• Member Since 20th Jan, 2014
  • offline last seen April 4th

GearMane


Hey everypony! New to the whole 'open' scene of ponies, as I have been lurking since mid season 2.

T
Source

This story is a sequel to Conflagration


Once a human, now a mare.
The soul and mind that crossed over into Equestria and inhabited a wanted criminal now struggles to find meaning, trust and most importantly of all, friends.

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 54 )

After the first story, I kind of expected Twilight to still be a crazy bitch. Was hoping that Not-Ember would have the sense to ask for anyone else as a teacher.

5141593
She is still very much a nut-cake... And chose to stay with her, as it seemed more familiar...
And I guess 'Not-Ember' is now cannon... XD

5141713

I agree that Twilight and Anya need to sort out their issues with each other, but teacher and student is the wrong dynamic for that.

Regular group meetings, with a counselor, and both of them wearing horn rings, would make sense. The princesses sweeping Twilight's psychopathic episode under the rug, and giving her authority over her victim, is a recipe for disaster.

I've been looking forward to the sequel, but now that it's here, I'm leery of the beginning.

Will keep reading, and see where you're going with this.

Actually, the previous story was second person. This new one is third person. First person would be: “I walked around to this place.”

Wait, the library still exists? Doesn't this take place after Tirek?

Colder and colder? That's... worrying, especially considering the connection that body has to fire.

No eggs? Isn't eggs in Equestria canon? Of course, lots of things are different in your version, but if it's intentional a passing thought by 'Anya' would be appreciated to clarify.

It's wasn't the best pony name.

It.

You also use a lot of commas, like here:

Flames, summoned or not never seemed to be able to touch her, squelching fires, and dimming candles when she was near.

This sentence reads like a train stopping and starting, and other places are guilty of it. Read them aloud or in your head; if a portion would flow smoothly without a comma, then remove the comma.

Some issues with redundancy as well.  

and even though Twilight's enlightenment was just that, but as much

Both even though and but as much serve as contrast, having them both is essentially a double negative.

Huh, your description of Spike seems rather different. Wonder how much time has passed.

but that worn didn't exist here

Think you meant word.

And clearly Twilight's still got some old wounds that need cleaning out.

Several thousand miles? Wow Twilight, you scary.

 If you had a clear sight of the are you

  Area.

what happened when one should split a molecule

You mean atom. The entire premise of chemistry is splitting and recombining molecules, from salt to glucose to gasoline and everything in between. Even then, you need a lot of a specific type of atom to be split in a specific way for anything cataclysmic to happen.

squeeze it into a smaller shape concentrate the energy.

Missing a 'to' after shape.

Great start to the story. A bit rough around the edges, but I am looking forward to this.

Where this story fits in the time span is awkward. Also, as others have said, Twilight is in need of therapy. It's clear that what happened to Ponyville at the hooves (or horn?) of her ex-Student caused a great deal of damage to Twilight's mind. Perhaps Twilight's relentless pushing sped Ember on her path in the first place? Also, 'Anya' should probably be taken to see some kind of Doctor if there's something wrong with her physically aside from the past Ember's mental instability.

It would be nice to have a better gauge for how your Twilight differs from that of the show. The reason being that your Twilight is a borderline psychopath with a bad case of bipolar or at least something that causes major mood swings. Her interaction with Ember/Anya after dealing with the cult members is night and day from what seems to be going on at the moment. It would also be useful to have more details about 'The Traveler' from before they arrived in Equestria so the reader can distinguish the new character from the old. RIght now, 'Anya' seems a tad inconsistent with 'The Traveler' as though being in this other body has affected her mind somehow. -- Personally I wouldn't mind hearing more of Ember's backstory, since she seems to have lived a troubled life to begin with.

5142026
Like a good investment, it will all make cents soon! :facehoof:

5141818

If the library survived Ember's little Ponyville fire then I doubt Tirek could have done much to it. He was like FIREBALL WHOOSH BOING WOAH and then it ricochets off and blows up a mountain instead

5142081
:facehoof: I really should dislike that comment for the bad joke/pun.

5141803
WHO do you think is keeping an eye on them to stop them from killing each other
WHO WHO WH... It the owl

5141818
Fixed grammar problems. I just get too excited about uploading something when it's finished, I tend to miss smaller mistakes like that, even after 3 read-throughs.

Also, my word document editor comes with a preset amount of commas that I HAVE TO USE, or I cannot write another document... No way around that feature, so yall get commas. Enough to make up for those that don't use enough.

Readers tend to think that this story is meant to compliment the show, but can't be far from the truth.
Events that have happened in the show do coincide to a limited extent, but not in totality. Tirek/Discord never happened, The changelings DID, NightMare Moon DID and Alicornication never happened... I guess I need to write out the 'cannon' this story is based off of, since it exists mostly in my head.

5143427 simply go; based on pre season 3 finale.

Wow Twilight is pretty much an abusive bitch this time around aint she.

She's got emotional and physical abuse down pat. Course it's expected as she tortured Ember and gleefully enjoyed every second of it.

Wow, Twilight really snapped. And... Applejack? Wow, you weren't kidding when you mentioned the changes from canon. And Twilight? Oh boy, she's going to be pissed; even though she's got no real reason to. Can't wait for the next chapter.

"Ah'm Apple Jack, an you?"

"The fuck?!" Anya blurted out in surprise, her hooves shooting to her muzzle as if trying to force the vocalization back in. Bad idea. Twilight snapped her head directly towards the mare, knowing instantly who it was. Nopony except her ever said that word.

i.imgflip.com/c47zx.jpg

5157619
There is a reason for that.

the entire time i was reading the "business" mares lines, i was imagining her with a high pitched slightly annoying voice
i burst out laughing when she said her name

5157772
I certainly hope so, because she's got major issues. She was apparently practically beside herself about having possibly offed somepony who wasn't really responsible for all the things Ember did and generally treated him/her pretty nicely. Then she just did like a reset switch and started treating like she was a brand new Ember headed in the same direction.

I'd like to hear more about the original Ember, because it's not clear whether she was really evil and how the whole Ponyville conflagration happened and how much of that was indirectly Twilight's fault. In fact, in light of recent events, one might wonder if Ember was right in trying to escape.

I've yet to see much, beyond the trauma of the Ponyville Incident, to give a reason for Twilight Sparkle to act as she does. Also, your 'rules' as noted above seem highly problematic in that I don't think anyone would ever follow them. They seems dystopian in that regard, in the sense that, taken generally, they might logically prevent significant portion of the population from self-discovery, etc. They also sound overly much like a way to avoid dealing with logical realities that might happen in the story. I.e. making their be a set of rules against casting things makes it easy to set up someone as bad for not following those rules. It would help if you could flesh those out a little bit, maybe add them as their own chapter the same way some authors have an appendix to the story. -- Basically, I don't think the deviances from canon Equestria are adequately addressed in a way that helps us see how this world is different from the canon one.

"The fuck?!" Anya blurted out in surprise, her hooves shooting to her muzzle as if trying to force the vocalization back in. Bad idea. Twilight snapped her head directly towards the mare, knowing instantly who it was. Nopony except her ever said that word.

That's very heavy handed. Why must the mere fact that Twilight's never heard anypony else say that automatically imply that she knows who this pony is. Frankly that's awfully egotistical and trying to unsay a word merely suggests that you thought it uncouth or inappropriate to say such a thing. At best, it might make someone suspicious and other data might lead them to make an assumption, but to state so that she knows instantly is overdoing it. Never mind that the reader has no reason to expect that Twilight's dealings with Applejack would necessarily have her looking for Anya. -- Ultimately it feels pretty contrived to make Anya say something that will result in Twilight 'instantly' knowing who she is.

5157619
What's weirder still is that Luna and Celestia seemed okay with it. They didn't care that Twilight was torturing a pony, who obviously should fall under Celestia's jurisdiction, simply because she was a criminal. Unless the differences from canon are explained, then Celestia reads as a pony without mercy or kindness, who cares nothing about a pony the moment they commit a crime as if that somehow made them worthless.

I liked the first story, I really want to like this one too, but this is turning into an idiot plot. Horrible decisions are being made all around, just for the sake of heaping conflict on the main character. It's like Twilight and the princesses are deliberately trying to push her to become the next villain.

If the color changing thing was that simple, what possible reason could there be for not doing it to Anya before sending her to Ponyville?

Anya is still innocent, Twilight is not. Why hasn't anything been done about Twilight's crimes?

5158311
This isn't even the main course. I realize that things are moving fast, a friend helped me see that.
However, I am going to take a step back. It's relatively early in the story and I might as well address several concerns before I am into this full bore. I'm sorry for pushing out an incomplete, incoherent story. I just have this great idea in my head, and want to get it out as fast as possible, bypassing courtesy given to the readers in the form of this... whatever it is.
For now I am going to focus on making something more, readable. I forget sometimes that things I see in my head cannot make it to the readers unless I do something about it on my part.
I'll fall back, re-group and formulate a more cohesive story and update all of this. Any feed back will be great, as sometimes I can't see things clearly when moving as I do.

5158191
First off, I would like to apologize. I forget that ideas cannot be explained unless I can communicate properly. I have so many great ideas, places I want to go and things I want to show, I get ahead of myself with the way I do things.
As I have stated to another user, I am going to fall back, re-group and do things right before I get too far ahead.

I need a new approach, a better grip on this situation so that you and the other readers can understand better. It's been a lack of communication on my part and I am fully to blame.

I don't want to lure anypony into a false pretense that this is going to be something epic. These first few chapters were meant to explain things, things that happened in the months leading to this, and I haven't been clear on that. The meat and bones haven't yet come to life, this is fallout from last time. My mistake not making anything clear.

Err?

Most of what I'm saying is that a little more background would help in understanding the big picture. There's practically a whole unwritten story implied here about Ember, her life/family/issues, and her relationship with Twilight Sparkle, which presumably terminates with the terminal event that leads to 'Conflagration'. That's not including what part the Princesses play in any of this Add to that this cult or whatever that shows up when 'Anya' arrives and the bit about Luna ruling the Crystal Empire...

Tangentially, you have the issue of an alternate universe, or at least an alternate story where the rules that govern Equestria are, according to the words of Twilight Sparkle, fairly different than the apparent one in canon. You also have someone from a different world. So, there's first contact craziness of a sort and culture shock, etc.

-- If you can find a way to deal with those two issues, then I think you're on relatively even footing for this story. I'm not sure that from what you've written/implied you can avoid epic unless our definitions vary a bit.

5161697
I had a huge 45 page long description, as Anya was writing about her experience, but it was a massive exposition dump that I felt was unnecessary. I deleted that part and decided to explore it as the story progressed. I wanted to explain everything in time, having Anya strike off on her own to see the world on her own.

5162714
While I agree that dumping that much information is not workable, I don't really think the current approach is the best. In any case, there's this:

There's practically a whole unwritten story implied here about Ember, her life/family/issues, and her relationship with Twilight Sparkle, which presumably terminates with the terminal event that leads to 'Conflagration'.

That isn't stuff Anya would know, but it's still somewhat important to the story. And short of having Twilight Sparkle experience a sudden exposition surge, telling it to us some other way seems like a good idea (to me at least). In fact, I would have expected the preceding 'story' to tell us about that rather than starting with the human. Assuming that there was a reason beside absolute insanity for Ember to want to burn Ponyville to the ground and then proceed to escape the consequences, then the details concerning the reasons for Ponyville being burnt to the ground and the events connecting that and Conflagration are quite important.

Ohhh Twilight this is noooot gooood is Twilight going to fear her intentions in abandoning Anya to die in the desert being misunderstood is Twilight going to fear being caught for doing that is she going to fear that Anya is sneaking around in disguise to assassinate Princess Celestia is she going to *falls over twitching*

I just realized. Applejack is right next to them. Possibly the only mare in Equestria with enough social capital and a strong enough left hook to smack Twilight upside the head and get away with it. Twilight has really needed someone to smack her upside the head. She's been begging for it with how she deals with her grief this entire second story. That might be a perfect storm if Twilight freaks out right there on the train. One minute the situation is deteriorating and the walls are coming down, the next minute Twilight is flat on her back wondering how the train could possibly have collided with her, while she was still inside it, because that's what it felt like.

Violence solves everything! :yay:

Good to hear Anya call Twilight out on her shit. I always was confused; Twilight claimed to have been in Ponyville so she couldn't learn her test, but how then did she go to the execution without learning she wasn't Ember? And the reason for Twilight's harshness is revealed. Poor mare.

ah'm ok." she nodded.

Capitalize She.

Twi, could ya step out for a while."

Question mark.

It's called Las Vegas in my... old world.

Forgotten quotation mark on the end.

why get them involved and possibly hurt again.

Question mark.

and Twi," she turned

  Period instead of comma and uppercase She.

see you again." she said

Comma instead of period.

But ah gotta

You swap between Ah and ah a lot for Applejack, and that's not even really how she talks.

a map." the earth

Capitalize The.

as well." Anya

Comma instead of period.

Apple Jack felt

One word, isn't it? Applejack?

undressed and took her hat from the rack.
Back in Ponyville.
"YEE HA!"

That's a really poor transition, just saying 'Back in Ponyville' as if it's a part of the prose itself.

HA!" She shouted

Lowercase she.

room." a deep voice

Comma instead of period.

that bad?" She asked

Lowercase she.

Though she was reserved about using it, meals for perhaps tens of thousands of ponies were out there in that wheat.

Huh? What does that have to do with her fire magic?

"Hello." she called

Comma instead of period.

Missy!" He chimed

Lowercase he.

for the night." she restated. 

Comma instead of period.

 years now," he paused

Period instead of comma, uppercase He.

5372214
I don't want to be you... See things the way you do... The nits have been picked to extinction!
Can I just send the raw files over to you for editing? You seem to enjoy doing it here :twilightsmile:

5372254 Well there's just a general rule to remember for quotation marks. Three actually
1) When you follow up by explaining how it was said, use a comma and lowercase the following word. Example:

"Tirek's power will know no bounds," the alicorn explained.

2) When you follow the quote by doing something else, use a period and uppercase the following word. Example:

"I keep balls stashed all around Ponyville, in case of ball emergencies." With that said, Pinkie pulled out a rubber ball.

3) Proper Nouns override the uppercase/lowercase rule, and ! ? and ... all override the period/comma rule. Example:

"Princess Twilight! You have something that belongs to me!" Tirek bellowed.

I think you got the conversion wrong for leagues to miles. 200 leagues would onle be around 60 miles or so as 1 mile is about .29 leagues. Or for simple estimates 3 leagues equal 1 mile.

5372670 My converter says 1 mi = .2 leagues

Poor Twilight. Clearly all of this has been much harder on her than it seemed thus far. She was prepared to kill Ember for her actions, but never really got to say goodbye. It's clear that, until now at least, she couldn't see that Anya might look like and physically be Ember but they're not the same pony.

Did she really understand Celestia before, or did she think that she had Ember back after suitable punishment or something?

5372670
We just said the same thing, but your math is a little off.

If 1mi = .2 Lea

Then 5mi = 1 Lea
Because 1 mile is a fraction of a League

Well, glad I'm not writing this story. She managed to get out of it unscathed without one explosion, and she even berated Twilight!

You use too much metonymy in there, need to make it clearer when Anya is on the train and when she isn't.

5373238

She's well informed. She's just loco in the coco. You know how when you execute your own daughter in cold blood, and like a week later you're sitting around and you start getting upset that she left you just now to go live her own life, and you forgot she's dead even, because your mind just regressed 10 years on the spot?

thought of some rouge entity

The crimson enigma?

yay, new stuff!

Fire makes her power-mad? Another point for the chemical-imbalance/bad-wired-brain theory.

Shipping and OC injection was the worst thing ever.

It's very easy, with how well you write Anya, to forget she used to be a brony. Then something like this comes up.:rainbowlaugh:

The first 2 chapters made me want to throw things, but now the story is building up steam nicely.

Lots of character development, without feeling like a tedious exposition dump.

This Equestria is close enough to the original to be recognizable, with enough differences to be fresh.

Seems okay as a chapter but there seems to be more mind-body separation than makes sense. "He" Is now a she with all the attendant physical differences and the way those affect the mind. Hopefully it will not be a theme of the story to continually ignore that. Also is Anya still suffering from stages of separation/dissociation or something? I'd have thought by now (despite fuzzy time) she'd have gotten used to the quirks of Equestria relative to Earth. It's also a little weird to talk so detachedly about things. She's a pony now, not a human no matter how weird that may be. Earth is a fading memory/a past life.

Perhaps some touch up to better convey a sense of passing time?

5480796
I read that as an affinity for fire/energy/magic and the attendant ability to perceive and draw upon that energy directly. As a result it is easy for her to create a surge of magic by drawing that energy into her, but she's not adequately equipped to handle that energy flow safely. So it leaves in either a focused or a ubdocused fashion. Raw energy ~ heat and so when it comes into contact with things they tend to melt or burn.

Is there a good reason for Rainbow Dash to be male? How close to canon are the mane six here, because the closer they are the more dilemmas Dash being male seems ro present when considering the story line.

p.s.
Maybe it's been brought up before, but how self-insert-y is this story meant to be? At point it sound like author thoughts or meta stuff going on. Is the character supposed to have a detached and analytical personality? -- It might be worth considering if any of the traits are characteristicallyasculine and if they would
Manifest differently for a female.

Three months isn't a lot of time to just suddenly become a completely different person. My hometown isn't just a "quickly fading memory" to me despite the fact that I haven't lived there in years, and the protagonist was pretty much cooped up and forced to avoid actually facing his new circumstances and impulses until now. Being disturbed by suddenly finding himself feeling and behaving in certain ways despite himself seems like a very natural reaction to me. Having your personality changed on you against your own will like that should feel invasive and like a violation to anyone, really.

Pyromania as a kind of magically-induced neurological mood disorder is a neat idea and works pretty well with that. Realizing your body has a broken brain and you're basically mentally ill now ought to freak him the fuck out. Not being in control of your own thoughts and feelings and being aware of it is really, really scary. Knowing your body will force you into basically getting high whenever someone feels like lighting a candle is not a happy proposition. He probably should spend more time feeling paranoid over how much of his feelings and decisions are actually his own than he currently does, honestly.

Try to avoid any more rants about humans being over-sexed, unless you want to make the protag or yourself look like they're being all sour grapes over their inability to get laid. People with a healthy sex life don't usually have a reason to be all judgmental over how others lead theirs. Getting all biotruthy over male/female differences is not a good idea either, so please don't listen to any visiting MRAs suggesting it.

Ahh I love resolving dangling plot hooks. It's amazing ponies didn't understand what was going on with Ember after all that time. So hardened by tragedy and death, yet naive enough that the thought of an addictive power just never crosses their mind. It's like the opposite of the show, where they struggle with addiction and obsessive behavior on an episodal basis, but nopony even gets a pin prick!

Wait, no I stand corrected.

images.wikia.com/mlp/images/archive/3/39/20121206181107!Rarity_looking_at_inflamed_area_S3E5.png

WEEP AT THE TRAGEDY

Sand and organic dust are completely unrelated. Sand is rock and mineral, eroded by the ocean or the weather. Most sand is composed of silica (quartz) or calcium carbonate.

The process of compressing organic matter you describe eventually forms coal, although you need to flood and compress entire forests for that.

New chapter at 2 am? That's okay. I didn't need to sleep anyway.:pinkiecrazy:

Some good world building, and the plot thickens.:twilightsmile:

Has someone been playing classic Fallout?

5838441
LOL... Was bored and wrapped the chapter up, then realized it was 3 months since last update...
I haven't played any of the original fallout games, but I have watched a bunch of play-throughs. What makes you ask that?

5838456

it could have been 2077 for all she knew. One thing was certain, that the smaller towns on the map may not exist at all anymore, Oretin proved that.

2077 was when the series kicks off, if I'm remembering correctly, and in the original, all towns are small towns that will be gone by the time FO2 takes place.

Also the line about ponies and zebras blowing each other to kingdom come looked like a nod to Fallout: Equestria.

new chapter appears.

this new pony...... yehap almost 100% sure.

good to see this udpate after a hiatus.

5838482
The 2077 was a fallout reference, but small town being gone wasn't anything though. Also, Fallout Equestria reference as well.
You are missing another really, really obscure date reference.... XD

He seems nice. Also trouble. I love your idea that the zebra attribute cultural significance to their stripes.

If it takes an Arch-Mage with nothing to lose and a whole entire town's worth of burned out fire energy to cross to the human world, how did he get across?

Yeah, definitely trouble.

Interesting. I feel bad for the stallion. In either case I'd probably have taken Anya's point of view. If you haven't any hope of getting back and not much reason want to , you may as well just move on. A different world is better than being dead and honestly an afterlife where you still have to suffer being cold and hungry or being depressed doesn't sound terribly exciting.

5871638
Just because that happened in on case doesn't mean it was absolutely necessary. I assume the world crossing was simply a last ditch effort to escape justice/punishment. Not exactly a trifling amount of power, but not outside of the reach of others who are in the know. Also, maybe in this universe/multi-verse their agreement (the dude and whatever her name was) has some kind of intrinsic power of it's own. Otherwise why wouldn't <whatever her name was> have just done what she did without asking?

I do have to wonder whether he meant that he didn't remember the previous twenty years as a pony or if he meant that he'd forgotten most of the world he came from. Assuming he's not evil, the Princesses probably ought to be informed.

It is official. I like this story, but... I do not like THIS twilight.

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