(Set in a The Conversion Bureau universe. The stories of Randa serve to explore various moralities and viewpoints).
Martha understands the necessity of conversion. She understands that, in order for humans to survive, they must become something un-human. Yet she feels so... "uncertain" is the best way she can describe it.
Now an earth pony, she visits the apartment of a friend who is still a human. The encounter only serves to further make Martha realize how different she, and the rest of the world, are now.
Chapters (3)
Is there something wrong with my story? I understand that Conversion Bureau stories don't have the best of reputations, but perhaps there's something else I'm doing? Feedback would be very much appreciated.
Well written. Fix your formatting, you italicized the second half of the chapter!!!
There were 0 likes, 9 dislikes, and 0 comments when i wrote this comment.
This TCB story drew my attention by presenting converted humans as still retaining their mind. Is this how it normally is, or are newfoals supposed to be gormless thoughtless shadows of their former selves? I hope this fic answers that question for me.
Deadpan Snarker the Bored Human doesn't like Getting Accustomed To Hooves The Dreary Story. Is off now to The Pub Of The Cheap Beer to get loaded. See you Tomorrow That Is The 11th.
there's nothing really wrong with it people can just be very fickle sometimes
6190166
I fixed that - I apologize! I was in a... I forget what the proper word is, but I had this sudden burst of inspiration to publish my first chapter, and I just kinda put it out there before I went to see Jurassic World with friends
not as good as the original but the mOTHERFUCKING T-REX RETURNS FUCK YEAH, so that's why half of it was accidentally italicized. Whoops!To answer your question, the newfoals do retain their original human selves. However... Imagine being stripped from your body and placed into something foreign. You are you, but you don't feel you. This is how Martha feels, and her interactions with Kim will later make her feel further alienated.
I write through stream-of-consciousness so I have no idea how it's gonna go down but I guarantee stuff will go downalso welcomed to FiMfiction
6190166 Some TCB authors say that humans are "evil", so the potition turns us into smiling slaves who are but a shell of their former self. All of our "evil human instincts and emotions" are taken away, and we are forced to always be happy. Usually, these same authors still portray the ponies as being in the right. Fuck them.
6190198
Thank you, I feel very welcomed!
Eh, I'm sure there are things that could be improved. I don't mind if people dislike the story. I would just like to know what I could do to improve it. Hopefully the other chapters I write will be better.
6190152
Really, it's all just because of TCB. I've seen stories far worse than this get far better ratings.
The biggest problem I have so far is that this is just bland. Not much is happening; all we have is somepony fumbling about in her new body as the narrator explains her thoughts. You might be taking this somewhere good, but right now I'm not hooked.
6190152 Arguably the only genres more polarizing than TCB are HiE or AiE.
The story itself is not great, but it's not bad either. The underlying concept is sound (I mean, how would you process conversion to a completely alien species?) and your execution of it okay- you know your way around the language and seem to have a good feel for who your characters are, which is always a plus.
I think the problem, or at least my problem, is that Martha doesn't feel disconnected so much as bored and kinda sleepy, like maybe if she had a nap and a cookie she'd be alright. The scene where she's trying to verbally link her name, her symbolic self, with this apparent lie staring back at her in the mirror is really the only time she seems to be having trouble accepting her new reality.
Or not. I dunno, I'm really tired right now. Have a fave and an upvote.
Though I don't read these types of stories often, this one seems interesting enough to catch my attention. Please continue.
That might be contributing to why people dislike this, aside from the fact that it's a TCB story and so people dislike it right off the bat. Other than that, your story's alright.
so do the potions has glitches? Like ponies and humans who change still can't have children together or certain sickness evolving with bodies?
An interesting start, though as others have said the formatting is a bit wonky
Don't let the hate stop you, keep right on going
6190721
I haven't thought about that before. Huh... That would be an interesting concept to explore.
6192638 I seen there magic it backfire or doesn't go as planned like poison joke or it wears off... equastria has some mess up spells or species so glitches are not that hard mess with nature and it find away to balance itself.
Your story has been added to The Conversion Bureau under the section 'Dark or Sad', based on the label you choose for your story. Congratulations!
Cliffhanger? Seriously?
Oh dear, pony hazing. That's gonna hurt. Though not as much as what they do in some fics...
I bet'cha ten bits that—no, no not even I'm gonna go there.
Eh, that almost works, but the same-gender pronouns lose a lot of the coherency. Thing is who's 'she' and 'her' in that sentence? Kim doesn't want Martha to do something? Or Martha doesn't want Kim to some location? Or what?
Stranded prepositions usually snag the subject of the sentence, except for "to" which usually but not always snags the verb. "to" is an example of how English is a horrible language, in that it's a preposition, but can also be a special part of speech that only "to" is a member of, which sorta prepositionizes a verb, not a noun. I can say I don't want you to the left of me, and I can say I don't want you to go left. But which is it, when I say "I don't want you to?"
I like the impact of that sentence, but it's just too complicated to figure out the ambiguity, so maybe remove some of the ambiguity by saying "Kim wasn't asking something Martha wanted her to." Then we can focus on whether "to" is a preposition or not, and as our heuristic right brains shout "It's not, idiot!" we can assume it snags the verb, implying "to ask" rather than snagging the subject and implying, "to Kim."