• Member Since 8th Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen Jul 15th, 2023

Dragon Feather

Comments ( 89 )

..................... story was dumb dude.

4880787 Why thank you for the hate.

4880799 its not hate it is just a dumb story that makes no sense. it isn't extremely insulting or vulgar, just.......... kinda dumb. especially cause for some reason tiwlight again falls in love with sombra despite becoming pure evulz and likely far more powerful than him if she is more powerful than celestia....... cause celestia kinda kicked his ass when both she and luna were barely past fillyhood.

Without reading it. Sombra + twilight

4880861 Your wrong but you really should read this before you even think to comment again because I hate people who comment without reading it makes them sound idiotic and stupid!

While it's hard for someone like me to complain about subject matters, I can still complain about the various errors sprinkled over this story like so many grains of sugar on a powdered doughnut.

Italicize thoughts, remember the apostrophe ' for possessives and contractions, (Can't you do this, for Celestia's sake?) Capitilization, run on sentences, random letters siting there in a void between words, repeating things that were already said, it not being clear who is speaking, run on sentences, repeating nouns in the same sentence, over use of certain words, and a complete lack of explaining Twilight going from cute and OCD to Fifty Shades of Dominatrix in less than ten paragraphs flat.

It's smut. It's not this hard.

it was mainky a guess from previos comment bylordofmyth.

4880829 First off Sombra is her Father not her Lover Interest!!

While my co -author would like to rip you a new hole, I think you need to get your eyes checked because we said he was Twilight's true father! IF your going to comment at least read the damn story first before you make your self look like an asshole!

4880883 he really is a true idiot and you shouldn't be going off another comment especially when they probably didn't even read the story -_-.

4880861 You were totes right, bra.

Also, while this is certainly sad and tragic, the plot of the story is not. I recommend removing those tags.

You have some potential, but this story needs a lot of work.

My suggestion would be to google the following phrases:
"how to stay in one tense in a story"
"how to avoid run on sentences"
"proper use of commas, semicolons, and periods"

The writing guide on this very site is probably a good starting point. Don't give up!

4880907 Did you even truly read this story all the way through, we had Twilight rip off Celestia's wing with her teeth, we had betrayal and we were clear to show who was speaking if w=you wouldn't be so stupid as to not read the entire fucking story. I am pissed.

4880920 Those fall under that dark tag.

While death can certainly be sad, blood and gore on their own rarely is. And betrayal is a very dark theme, but it's only sad if we've spent enough time with the characters to care about and understand their betrayal. And as for Tragedy? If Twilight suddenly realized what a monster she had become and tried to fix everything, only to find Celestia's mind broken, then we would have a tragedy.

And yes I did the read the whole story, which is why I'm still here, doing my best to assist.

Anyway, the point is that this has some potential if you cleaned it up a little and expanded on certain areas.

4880882 okay I get it this is not the best when it comes to grammar, spelling, and punctuation but this was an endeavor at writing something that was a fluff piece as most Twilestia fics are. WE DON'T CLAIM TO BE PERFECT OR HAVE THE GRAMMAR OF THE GODS LIKE YOU BUT WE DID OUR BEST!!!!!!
While we don't like what you have said or implied by the its smut comment we will respect your right to say it just don't think we will not take this laying down or try and change what we have created to suit you or anyone else.

4880963 Why are you afraid of the comma , ? Did the comma kill your family?

I'm sorry, it's a reflex.

Anyway, I'm not saying you have to change the subject matter. Keep it dark, keep it gory, if that's your thing. My browsing history only knows the kind of weird stuff I'm into. I'm saying the mechanics of the piece needs work. Read through it a couple times and get a third party proofreader to give it a look as well.

And as for a fluff piece? Make it some sort of roleplay thing then. That excuses any Out Of Character (OOC) -ness that would happen. Or just give us a thousand words explaining Twilight's fall into darkness. Smut without substance is forgotten as soon as it's finished.

Also, me? Perfect grammar? I have a squad of proofreaders for a reason.

4880996 We're writing a prequel and a sequel to this story so that will give background and forground for the story

4881006 That's good. Like I said, get a few proofreaders, though. It'll go a long way to making the story better.

That was... interesting.........

Warning the following story contains:


More seriously, all that stuff in less than 7500 words? Damn, I haven't read it but I have to wonder about the pacing.

4880799 Isn't public nudity the norm unless it's anthro or humanized?

Holy shit this writing is mechanically terrible. Get a proofreader, and your co-author doesn't count. The only excuse is if you couldn't find a proofreader who would actually be interested in this story, which I would find believable.

Here is the first paragraph:

It was a warm summer night in Canterlot, a bright full moon shone with silvery light thru veiled mist of clouds casting playful light on the calm slumbering streets of the city. A gentle breeze pushed bit of paper and grass clippings along the quite dimly lit streets, it was a peaceful night in the capital the only sound heard was the soft hoof falls of a lone cloaked pony on her way to the castle.

Here is the first paragraph with correct grammar:

It was a warm summer night in Canterlot. A bright full moon shone with silvery light through a veil of clouds,* casting playful light on the calm, slumbering streets of the city. A gentle breeze pushed bits of paper and grass clippings along the dimly lit streets. It was a peaceful night in the capital; the only sound heard was the soft hoof falls of a lone cloaked pony on her way to the castle.

*Surely you don't mean that the mist itself is veiled, but that the mist is what is doing the veiling? As for "misty", I'd think clouds were misty by definition, but you can call them "misty clouds" if you want to imply that they are particularly mist-like in appearance (instead of being, for instance, super thick looking). I mean, technically you are saying that there is a mist made up of clouds, but that's really the same thing as saying that there is a cloud, or that there are clouds.

52 point caps lock isn't what I thought you meant by "questionable content".

I like how the author knows he sucks and gets really pissy and defensive when anyone calls him out on it.

4881794 Oh. Thanks.:twilightsmile:

I don't think I can give advice without being snarky.


You don't seem very nice, and I don't like your story very much either.

I believe this story is a one-shot. Therefore alot of the background doesn't need to be explained, as its main focus is the Twilestia. I admit the grammar mistakes are very noticeable, but they are not so bad as to completely distract you from the story. I do believe the "sad" tag should be removed as I feel there is nothing sad only dark elements at work. Overall I enjoyed the story. I got plenty of keks from it but this is just the kind of stuff I laugh at. The story is fine just needs some polishing.

It's not that we getting prissy and defensive when people call us out on it, I'm getting prissy and defensive when people try to tell us about what is going on inside of our own heads. We would like to go on record and say that we've already stated that we don't have the best grammar and all of that. Just wanted to write something that wasn't fluff and wanted to write something against a character that we don't like in a silly context and we're looking for some like minded people but if your not them we don't really care and we'll just keep writing because it's what we like to do.

I don't know whatever the bit fuck I just read, but I came buckets! Thumbs up.

This is amazing. Truly a remarkable specimen of a fic. That something could be this atrocious, poorly written, and gratuitous astounds even me, and I've read some shit in my time on this site.

Congratulation, Author. You have set my new standard for "worst fics ever written".

I just threw up, then my throw up threw up.

This story kind of reminds me of the bottom half of the Redbox machine rental list.. You know, where they have all the B-Movies and cheap spinoffs for popular titles that you can rent. The ones that usually make you say, "What possessed me to watch that?"

Now, I'm not hating, because stuff like this definitely has an audience out there. Just, you know, it's not the majority of people.

Don't read it then.

4882465 How would she know conclusively that she hated it without reading, genius?

Hey! I know you! You wrote that one thing! I like that thing! We should all leave this thing and go to that thing!

Just so you know, acting like a five year old (which you are both doing) is making everyone dislike you and killing any credibility you have. If you want to be taken seriously, try being mature and taking criticism like an adult.

4880891 Please don't start the "entitled cunt" thing. If your story has problems that extend beyond the fucked-up-ness of the premise, you can do the not-lazy thing and fix those problems.

4881949 No blog post, para? You disappoint me.

Maybe you should be more focused on fixing this story first:applejackunsure:

Edit; and the other ones.

4881995 I thought you said it was fluff?

And what did the comma do to you? I'm really curious here. Did the comma kill a kitten? Did the comma not pay you back that twenty dollars? Did the comma make Transformers 2? I need to know.

Why am I like this?


before you make your self look like an asshole!

... Oh, sorry, was that to someone else? 'Cause I thought you were talkin' to your mirror.

4882554 As bad as this story is, I think we lost the right to "This premise is fucked up" on this site a long time ago.:trollestia:

A lot of stupid people hate things without knowing anything about said things, Like religion. Bronies are not exempt from stupidity.

Warning the following story contains: Questionable content, violence, spanking manual, gut-bulging, throat bulging, unrealistic penetration, FUTA, RAPE, BDSM, cum, exhibitionism, mind rape, mind break, pet and collared mare, body modification, licking, oxygen deprivation, tickling, public nudity, begging, submissive, orgasm control, biting, bleeding, blood play, branding, chocking, pony riding gear, voyeurism, partner swapping, toys, Female to Futa, VERY GRAPHIC LANGUAGE

1. You're welcome for that free formatting of triggers considering that you really want to make your description annoyingly long.


4882650 And you're assuming this of the person saying she doesn't like the story because...?

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