Five years ago, Princess Twilight Sparkle of the Principality of Everfree Valley and her team of scientists and the Order of Starswirl started working on a publicly known project called the Multiversal Exploration Project. Two years ago, Trixie Lulamoon, disgraced showmare, decided to work in this world famous project. Now, Trixie is ready to explore parallel universes on behalf of the Principality and Equestria.
Join Trixie as she travels through parallel universes on a mission from Princess Twilight to explore the multiverse.
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Inspired by The Sweetie Chronicles: Fragments by Wanderer D and Across the Multiverse by dramatic_spoon.
Rated 'Dark' for some universes Trixie will visit.
Rated 'Random' for some bizarro universes.
'Sex' rating for some slight sexual scenes and discussions. There will be no clop.
This actually looks like it has potential to be kinda awesome.
I have a few suggestions of the technical side, though:
Right off the bat, I can tell you have a bit of a problem with redundancy. Try to avoid repeating yourself. In the above example you use "radioactive" twice very close to each other: Instead of "radioactive wasteland," you could use "nuclear wasteland" which means the same thing. You also use "check ups" and "hazards" a lot. Try to be more varied.
"These check ups could prevent you from these hazards" doesn't seem right. Perhaps you meant to write "protect you"? Similarly "Trixie will let you giving her check ups” isn't grammatically correct, it should be "give her." Or, even better, have her say "Trixie will permit this procedure" or something like that.
This is called using passive voice. What you want to do is use active voice instead: "Twilight trotted impatiently around the laboratory." This makes the narrative sound more direct and keeps the text from becoming cluttered. Passive voice has it's uses, but when writing fiction you generally want to stick to active voice.
I'm also not sure I agree with your characterization of Trixie as being kinda dense. Granted, this is an AU version of Trixie, but while I could see her not listening to the doctor, I don't see her failing to understand him. Canon implies rather heavily that advanced magic requires a lot of studies, so while Trixie certainly isn't Twilight Sparkle, she's probably relatively smart.
That said, I do like the forshadowing you have going on here. You do a pretty good job of establishing that Trixie is probably in over her head and not actually as qualified for this mission as she thinks she is. The only question, I guess, is how she made it through two years of training if she's not competent. Still, good forshadowing.
Finally, we only get a glimpse of her home universe and the ways it's different from the canon one. You mention Everfree Valley but not how Twilight ended up ruling it or what it's relation is to Equestria. This is not really a problem if you plan to expand on it in later chapters, but you might want to drop a bit more world building so we know what we're looking at.
Over-all, this could use some editing, but it's still a pretty decent first chapter that does kinda make me curious. So, keep up the good work.
4789223 Thank you, your comment will help me fix the chapter.
But not now, using a tablet to type stories can be hard. But that does not mean that I will not consider it.
Though, you are right. I think I made Trixie too dense when I meant to make her very cocky like in the show. And about the world building part, as much as I really wanted to expand on Ponyville's region becoming an independent principality, I had to keep it low so that the reader would not feel that I am wasting his time.
Thank you for your helpful comment and I hope you will enjoy it.
4789344
It's good that you are careful with the world building, a lot of writers do go overboard with that. I mostly brought it up because I couldn't see a clear reason why this had to start in a alternate universe as opposed to regular Equestria.
4789462 I had originally intended it to be the Mainverse in the future, but as you said it turned out too AU-ey. So I decided to let it be as it makes the world more interesting and my imaginations more free.
Off to an interesting start. I was going to comment on the grammar and such, but Fervidor pretty much covered everything I had, so no need to repeat myself.
I do have to agree that Trixie should not come across as quite that dense. Trixie is (unless you're deviating greatly from canon) quite a survivor. She's arrogant and likes to talk herself up, but she's actually quite aware of her limitations, much as she might not like them (she knew fully well that she couldn't defeat an Ursa Major, that was just something she said to impress the crowd). She'd probably pay closer attention to how her equipment works, since it's what will keep her alive out there. (Especially since she used to be a stage magician, and was relying on her equipment functioning properly for the shows.)
Of course, you could have her be bored because she's spent her time being coddled by excessive safety procedures and is getting fed up, and this doctor isn't used to her and assumes. I suspect you're keeping her unaware of the recall feature for a reason.
Not sure why the 'home' setting has to be so different from canon, but you have your reasons, I'm sure. I'm glad you didn't infodump; as is, enough comes across to keep us informed without obstructing the main plot. Later chapters could elaborate as necessary, I suppose.
Also, dramatic entry is essential. Twilight just doesn't understand.
Huh, guess I did have things to say after all. Still, looking good so far. Will watch.
4789223
it's should be its, because when something is over by the wall, it's, or it is, over there, whereas when something is deemed useful, then its ability is the possessive of the item or idea we are referring to when using the word "it."
4789344 Also, this story's looking good!
As an editor for TSC: Fragments, I can honestly say that your take is going to be just as fun, if maybe a bit more "planned."
4789906 Dramatic entry is only outclassed by DYNAMIC ENTRY!!!
4789906
I admit, my grammar needs a bit of work, but at the very least it is readable.
And don't worry, I am planning on making Trixie not dense. I tried just making her cocky, bored and a bit childish, but making her dense was never my intention. I will fix this chapter later. Later chapters will have her as non-dense as you may prefer.
Random bouts of sillyness such as Trixie's dramatic entry are one of my favoured kind of comedy. Expect some more from me.
And the AU home setting is due to my imaginations running wild and wanting to have advanced magitech for this kind of project.
Thank you for your comment and I hope you will enjoy more.
4790039
Oh no, my story could never compete with such high quality stories like TSC: Fragments. Mine is amateurish at best.
And this story is more planned as in imagining scenarios and inspirations while I'm at work distributing state-paid medicines to local pharmacies.
Thank you for your comment and I hope you will enjoy more.
4790477 Aye, and when I say more planned, I mean more along the lines of "Twilight has a bit of an idea of where Trixie shall end up," rather than it being "Trixie picks up purple stones and gets hurled through the multiverse without rhyme or reason."
And yes, dramatic entries are always good. Even when corny. because then they're corny AND good.
Well super kami guru liked it
If you have a chane can one of your alternate reaqlities be of Trixie and shining armor be in love
4790029
I don't really care. I'm pretty sure he understood what I meant.
4791005 Yeah, I'm sure he did as well. But as an editor or even someone giving advice on how to type, you should take your own advice, shouldn't you? So don't be grumpy just because you had an error pointed out to you while you were pointing one out to someone else, mmkay? It's unbecoming.
4790877 First I have to do alternate realities that I have planned months to make. When I am almost out of ideas, then I might consider.
4789223
4789906
Ok, I heeded your advice and re-written the Prologue slightly to make Trixie less dense and more cocky and prideful. Will you both please skim it and see if the changes are satisfactory?
4793448 Quite satisfactory. She sounds more plausible. Bored and dismissive and wants to get it over with already. Whether or not she does know the things he's telling her already or not is a bit ambiguous, but that works to your advantage, I think.
Good chapter, but why didn't Trixie ask for a world history book or something? (Also still hoping for my request universe)
4795534
Why didn't I think of this before? Oh well, let's just say that she is Trixie and asking for history books didn't come up. Although Twilight might remind her to do it once she returned.
Felt a bit of a letdown, this chapter, honestly. Nothing really happened other than establishing that Blueblood has a herd consisting of the Mane 6. Really not very exciting. I hope later chapters have more adventure.
4798595 It was just a starting point for me. I never written adventures before. I'll try to be better next time, but there are more SoL type chapters planned yet. The adventure tag is more for Trixie world-hopping.
4798595 But don't worry. There are some adventure type chapters running through my head right now, yet some of them are dark themed. I don't know if you would enjoy them. If you want, I will PM you some adventurey things I have planned to avoid spoilers.
4798904 No spoilers, please.
As long as you have a plan for what you're doing, it's fine.
And practice makes perfect, as they say.
Yay!:)
This is good!:)
Really great fanfic!:)
I added it to my group http://www.fimfiction.net/group/198046/fics-that-i-think-are-really-good, I'm really picky about what goes there now.
Only problem I saw is that in the last few paragraphs you need to add another cancel-center tag right before ' Home Universe '.
I don't know if you're taking suggestions or not, but have you considered having her slide into the Equestrian Wasteland where everything's... gone?
Oh.....
It might be neat to have her run into Quinn Mallory.
4815610 So, you are saying that it is better if I remove the tag before the scene cuts?
And I might be taking a few suggestions in case I don't have new ideas, but there will be one extra dark-themed universe that I could use to torment Trixie. *Evil laugh* Not Cupcakes dark though, so you are safe. But she will be deathly scared of Twilight for some time after that universe.
4798595 Truthfully, seeing this and comparing it to TSC, I see it as being much smoother on the upkeep. Trixie is older than Sweetie, and is also quite a bit smarter, whether streetwise or other.
One world I'd like to see Trixie end up in is Of Mares and Magic. I'd find it even funnier if Vallett had the local Twilight and Trixie go "oh, yeah, we see that all the time."
4857571 Most of the worlds Trixie will enter are completely invented as you saw in the first chapter, but I might borrow other fics' universe for the story. And maybe I should read Of Mares and Magic. I am starting to have a 'collector's desire' for FiM fanfic classics.
4858287 I won't spoil, but I will warn. When I read it (a good year or two ago, maybe three. It was only shortly before TSC first began), the ending basically took a great fic and botched the hell out of it.
It was like if you were watching The Godfather, and then the ending was thrown-together hodgepodge of Monty Python's Flying Circus and Spartacus.
4858438 So it became 'cracky' in the end? Even then, I read The Demon Slayer Grooms Some Ponies by DGD Davidson till the infamous chapter 8 and still kept it in my favourites, so a botched ending will not affect me that much as long as I enjoyed the bulk of the story.
4858494 Yeah, same here. I still enjoy reading it (I've reread it twice, and it's literally the only reason I've got any respect for Trixie as a character), but I can't bring myself to read the last two chapters. It was perfect up to then, and then it's all "But WAIT! I use Plot Thread!" "Haha! I counter with Plot Device!" "You activated my trap card! Behold, deus ex machina..." "GASP!" "... via retcon." "Nooo, you fool!" "No, you fool!" "Yes! Arrg;nffmlksf" And from there it was painful. Though that might've been from me slamming my head into my desk until I got all dizzy...
4858494 So basically, go read it already. Because tbch, if I start saying/complaining any more, it'll fall into spoiler territory really quick...
I wish we could have meet some of trixie's descendants.
This is starting to feel a bit dull. You're very inventive with settings, but nothing ever happens. Trixie shows up, looks around for a while, then moves on. There's no conflict, or intrigue, or adventure. I hope you'll pick something like that up in later chapters, because unless something happens, this story won't go anywhere.
5072665 I'm sorry that as of now the story doesn't feel interesting to some, but I am trying what I can to at least make some themes interesting. The next one will have a dark setting from an old PS game that I enjoyed.
But I do encourage suggestions on how to improve if you can give one.
5073214 Get Trixie involved in the goings-on of the current universe she's in, would be a good start. As the story is right now, she's just an observer who shows up, makes some observations, and leaves. With no real investment of interest, it also makes the place forgettable. As in, "Why should the reader care to remember this?" And obviously you don't want that.
For example, get her into trouble would work. (And wouldn't be hard given that she's Trixie.) Be in the wrong place, say the wrong thing to the wrong pony, read a document that's not supposed to be read. Now she's in trouble, there's conflict, she has to use her skills and survival instincts and gadgets to get herself out of this jam.
You could have her get caught up in her local counterpart's business, be mistaken for the local Trixie and get into trouble for that. In the latest chapter, I was expecting that when Twilight was revealed to be the headmistress; that the local Trixie had wronged her somehow and now she had to deal with it. Except the situation was immediately defused. Or you could have used the spooky school for a murder mystery, or something supernatural, or a multicultural conflict.
This story has the makings of adventure, but that means there has to be adventure happening. There has to be goings-on. Trixie has to do things in order to complete her mission, there has to be the shadow of danger and risk of failure. "Will Trixie get out of this?", the readers must ask themselves.
Consider The Sweetie Chronicles: In each chapter, Sweetie Belle has to overcome things, dangerous or not, to complete the next leg of her mission, and grow as a person as she does so.
Or consider Doctor Who, particularly the early classic episodes: Everywhere they went, they got embroiled in the local events and had to help out before they could move on.
Readers want adventure and intrigue, not just Trixie going to a place, looking around, and going somewhere else.
I'm sure you can do it, so why not give it a try?
5073536 Thank you for your kind suggestions.
Hmm, thinking about it, I think I've been too idealistic towards the worlds she's been. The next one should hopefully have her getting involved in an adventure and a battle. It involves a skeleton knight and an evil necromancer. Like I said, based heavily on an old game I enjoyed. And another conflict I thought of has to do with a universe made by another author that I plan to share, with his permission.
Again, thank you for the tips.
Harmony Bloom? Hmm, interesting.