- Member Since 6th Mar, 2014
- offline last seen Nov 7th, 2017
SilmaDrillion
Awesome McAwesome guy that loves MLP and League of Legends.... nuff said.
SilmaDrillion
Joined 6th Mar, 2014 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Thebravenorse · 5.3k words · 111 12 · 5.2k views
- Inferno demon Dash · 44k words · 116 16 · 2.3k views
- B_25 · 6.9k words · 88 10 · 3k views
- Gamel_Lightshow · 1.2k words · 34 5 · 3.1k views
- Plagueboy23 · 111k words · 77 15 · 2.2k views
- Inferno demon Dash · 5.5k words · 91 20 · 5.6k views
- Purplefan9 · 6.6k words · 51 12 · 5.9k views
- WhatamIdoinghere · 17k words · 157 8 · 7.8k views
Featured In49
- Adventure2,991 stories ·1,218 members
The Writers' Group56,460 stories ·9,300 members
Humanized Ponies!5,597 stories ·3,468 members
- Action Stories1,438 stories ·650 members
- Adventures - AU1,445 stories ·776 members
Alicorn Twilight2,143 stories ·2,854 members
- Spikey Be Happy101 stories ·125 members
- Author Support4,373 stories ·2,070 members
Stats
Page generated in 0.174 seconds
Total duration
636 users online
1,181,956 hits today, 2,782,760 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
So far, it's better than Equestria Girls. You do have a fair amount of grammer mistakes, though. Make sure to reread after you write. Other than that this story is great, can't wait for chapter two!
4718965 Thanks. And yes I have to admit I didn't completely reread the whole of chapter 1 completely. I was afraid of being biased and going berserk on everything I find, ultimately gutting it completely.
Edit: Currently in progress of at least fixing some little things I find.. While at the same time keeping myself in check.
Interesting that you have Celestia was his mom. look forward to more.
Aside from the shoehorning in of major Spike interaction with the Princesses, I can't see how this is 'free of Hasbro marketing' yet. It just reads like a Fixfic AU of an official Highschool AU fanfic-movie.
There's still a lot of work to do. You're switching tenses inside sentences in several places, as well as having sentence fragments scattered throughout, like "Her face baring no readable emotion." And there are several cases of wrong words or even just number/subject conflict, as seen below:
Should be "I will be a good leader"
"pain her neurotic"
"on the ground and laugh"
Or
"on the ground, laughing"
"wasn't its usual"
Several little adjustments. There might be more, I will check again later. This is pretty good! :)
It's important to note that the Elements of Harmony are never referred to as "The Mane 6" in the canon... That's an OOC fan-made nickname for them, referring to the fact that they are the 6 main protagonists of the TV show.
4719529 Yeah that was what I was afraid of. Some words were wrong because of auto-correction... I did some parts of the story on my phone. Most of the time, I'm just out of the house. And with my laptop dead, the only thing I could work with is my phone. So yeah, there's that.
And yes, I'm aware of my tenses. I really am having problems with tenses sometimes because English isn't my 1st language. So whenever I encounter them, I'm not completely sure how to tackle them, how to make my sentences work without making them feel awkward. But rest assured I'll try and learn and master more about it as this project goes on.
Anyway, thank you for taking the time to point out the mistakes.
For how the story separate from the original.... Wait for chap 2.
4719982 Will consider that, thank you. But do you know of any names people used for the six? Bearers?
4719912 Thanks.... I hate it when I make mistakes on the go... But I can't stop because it's just too convenient.
4721602
Ah, it isn't your first language, then. I had a bit of a feeling about that.
the Dog and Teenager reference
This story is great. I want to see the next chapter
4748231 Thanks!
Can't wait to start on it.
I expected Twilight and Spike to say that they were siblings :3
4755476 On which part did you expect that to happen? Just curious.
4755504 Well, throughout a large portion of the chapter I kinda expected them to introduce themselves that way when they finally got around to talking to another human. Like, instead of Spike referring to he and Twilight as just "very good friends" when May thought they were a couple, I thought he would've corrected her and said that Twilight was his sister - since that's usually how their relationship is portrayed.
4755525 I guess that's reasonable. But then again, this/my Spike is much more mature that what he seems. Also, remember that he refers to Celestia as mother.
Anyway, I hope you liked the second chapter. Still fleshing out chapter 3.
A love story better than Twilight.
so this is Spilight? Gotta know directly from the author
4757524 Yes.
4757871
I'm guessing that Spike took the form of a human in this fic ?
4759979 Yes, yes he did.
4759979 Also, didn't you see the authors notes? I have pictures!
4760852 Well, to tell you my reasoning... Shymay is a true human; Spike and Twilight are Equestrians turned human.
The reason why the two still looks comparable to their equestrian forms is because, even when they were transformed, they were allowed to keep a little bit of their old attributes so long as those attributes did not go against certain rules.
(Hair color=ok keep it, unicorn horn= not ok, throw it to the lions)
As on Shymay's part, she's born human. she follows the rules of earth. Though she is Fluttershy's human counterpart, she will never be a complete copy. As for hair dye... does Flutters really seem like the type of pony to dye her hair?
Because whatever the answer is, it's applicable to her human counterpart.
TLDR; Counterparts are counterparts, not because they look the same, but because they make decisions the same way.
But then again, it's your imagination... go wild!
As for the girl, (her name is Janice Allen by the way) I'm not gonna deny such theories nor will I admit it
. Just know that when a human has been given a name... They will be used, they will have a part.
4761054 I would very much appreciate that, thank you.
I'm not too far into chapter three, but rest assured I have free time and determination to burn. Just hope I don't run out anytime soon. And just for spoilers... it's gonna have a human rainbow in it.
I'll contact you when it's ready.
This is sooooooooo much better than the movie, moar please.
4762670 Don' worry, more will come. And I'm thankful that you liked it.
First the bad :
1. Some words are not capitalized where they should be.
2. Some words are missing or spelled incorrectly there.
Now the good :
I love this!^_^
Really good fanfic!^_^
So great writing!^_^
Oh so MORE!
Please write soon!
Please?
Added you to my group at http://www.fimfiction.net/group/198046/fics-that-i-think-are-really-good.
4766904 The bad:
Yeah, I really need to work on that. Right now, I'm just learning as I go. As stated in the description, English isn't really my main language. I can speak good English, but writing it... ehhh... nmm you be the judge of that.
As for words missing... I don't know how that happens, it just happens.
Though I have to ask, in terms of mistake, how dense are the mistakes in chap 2 when compared to those chap 1.
As for the good, thank you.
Why'd you make Spike white?!
He should be a brother!
You really should make him a brother!
4769500 Uhhh... what?
4770194 It could be...
Ah who am I kidding. Yes, yes it is. How I'm gonna go about it though is something that's gonna take some setting up. So it's gonna be a while.
4770194 It's an honor by the way. I love that story you translated, "The Unpredictable Magic Of Love"
4769513
what Large Macintosh's Phallus is refering to is Spike being black or not.
4770297 Yeah, I kinda got that. But even then, I was still like... Wut?
Okay, like it so far. Here are the errors I noticed: In this fragment '...for other thing that...' 'thing' should be plural. In this fragment, '...Element of Harmony/crown, we rather...' it should be 'we'd.' This sentence seems to be missing it's ending: 'she tried to get her words out, surprised at... " This sentence needs work: 'Do you consider yourself my equal no not call me Princess Luna.' In this piece, '...as he gave me a sincere, to which...' a sincere what? In this fragment, '...Twilight's crown still in two.' It should be 'tow.' It should be 'She planned this well.' 'Eyeing' should have an extra 'e' in it.
4789558 WHY DO I SOMETIMES OMIT WORDS AT RANDOM!!! I HATE THIS!!!
Sorry about that, just needed to get that out of my system. Thanks for finding those mistakes. I must've missed them when I did my checks. Anyway most of these are from chapter one, right? gonna fix them immediately.
4789558 Done. Again thank for pointing those out.
You can check it if my fixes make sense.
Well, I looking forward to more. Here's what I noticed in this chapter: The word 'shear' should have double 'e's (the way it's currently spelled, it means 'to cut' or 'cutting instrument') I think in this sentence, 'The area was simply though uninspiring.' The word 'simply should be 'simple.' Later in this fragment, '... more than like still open.' the word 'like' should be 'likely.' It should be '...guest in this house...' After, it should be '...you're no bother...' Noticed you have improved since the first chapter. Your main problem seems to be tense trouble and using the wrong (though correctly spelled and similar sounding) words.
Also Tara? Nice shout-out.
4804997 Thanks.
And yeah, I notice my problems too. All I can do now though is improve as I work.
English isn't really my first language. Though I use it as my thinking language, I don't really get enough chances to use it IRL given most people I converse with cant keep up.
Chapter 3 is in the works so don't worry to much.
fc06.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/328/6/7/mlp___moe_anthropomorphism_project_by_sakuranoruu-d5lzpgx.jpg
This is more or less what I'd picture them as. Only older, obviously.
4925728 That is very nice artwork. Anyway it's your imagination, you can imagine them how you want. :3
4926797
Yay.
Updates? When is next chapter?
4969693 Still in the works. To be quite truthful. chapter 3 has been stuck at 80% for a long time. Now at least it, I can say i'm really close to finishing.
You can read my blogs if you want to know why it's been delayed for so long.
Thank you for taking interest in my work.
4971614 Just read the blog and my apologies, I did not realize the situation you are in and i wish you the best of luck.
4973926
Thank you for the understanding and the vote of confidence. And I promise chapter 3 will be worth it. Right now, with the pace i've been going on, I could guess that I might be able to post it before or within the third week of september if things go smoothly.
And just to give you guys something to work on, chapter 3 has already passed the 14000 word mark. So yeah, there's a reason why it's taking so long.
Uh... some problems. Firstoff halfway through the chapter you don't close an italic tag on Spike's thought at 'If only I could take this body back to Equestria.' so the rest of the chapter is in italics.
Secondoff, you finish a LOT of dialogue with commas at the end of paragraphs, which is wrong, and fairly often you don't punctuate dialogue tags properly, sometimes with commas for non-dialogue words, and other times you forget commas between dialogue words. There are an awful lot of examples of these problems.
Now onto regular comments!
I'm a big fan of Spike's characterization as having him have a definite problem fitting in and wondering about his own growth... as well as Twilight being mostly oblivious to it, already content with how they relate and not particularly trying to reexamine it. It's a good conflict.
Not quite as big a fan of oppressively better jerkass Rainbow Dash...