Hello, What's This?
"Ooh, what's this?" said Pinkie Pie, looking at a blank spot in the scroll. Picking it up, she started to carry the scroll to Twilight, and promptly tripped over it. Undeterred by her self-induced slip, she rolled the scroll up, and walked it to Twilight.
"What's wrong Pinkie?" asked Twilight, hearing her friend's confusion.
"I found a few blank spaces in your family tree, Twilight," Pinkie said in her cheeriest voice.
"Aaaaaand that's a good thing?" asked Twilight confusedly. She never really could parse the pink party pony's odd speech patterns.
"Oh no, not at all! But now that we've found 'em, we can fix 'em!" she said, reassuring her purple friend. "Then, we can figure out who your great, great, great, great... (43 greats, and two breaths later) grandparents are!" She took the scroll and unrolled it to its full length, which terminated outside the door, uncomfortably close to the main road. She then pointed at the offending spaces above Stone Wall and Flower Power.
"Well, that is strange," said Twilight, now standing very, very close to the main thoroughfare. Her mind ran through a list of all the possible repositories of information when the pony next to her said something. Not hearing her, she asked, "Say that again Pinkie?"
"Well, you could always ask Princess Celestia!" said Pinkie, an idea forming in her head.
Twilight facehoofed. "Pinkie, Princess Celestia is one of the rulers of Equestria. She doesn't have time for silly genealogical questions. Besides, it is highly unlikely that she knew every single one of my ancestors personally."
"Well, yeah, but she might be able give us a hint. Ooh, or maybe some cupcakes! " Pinkie said quite enthusiastically.
"I suppose it wouldn't hurt," said a defeated Twilight. "Besides, I haven't written to the Princess in a month. Now's as good a time as any." She rolled the scroll back up and headed inside the library.
Dear Princess Celestia,
My friend Pinkie Pie, while helping me map out my family tree, ran into a couple of blank spaces. She suggested writing to you about this. I hope you can help with this quandary.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
----------------------------------------
Three days later...
----------------------------------------
Twilight had gotten a reply from the Princess a few days ago. The letter said that she would love to help her with her genealogical issue. Twilight practically sang with glee at that. The trip was uneventful, save for the flock of birds that decided to roost on the roof, slowing things down a fair bit...
When they touched down, Twilight bid the two guards goodbye, and also asked them to say hello to her brother. She entered the grand foyer. Quickly, she climbed the stairs to the second level, then headed north, to the south tower switchback. Finally, after twenty minutes of climbing, she reached the top of the tower. She then had a small coughing fit. "Princess Celestia, I'm here!" then came another rather loud series of retching coughs.
Princess Celestia quickly opened the doors to her office/bedchamber, and walked over to Twilight. "Oh dear. Twilight, are you alright? Should I send down for a bottle of medicine?" she asked, much like a doting mother would.
"No, no, I'm fine, really," she said in between coughs. "It's been a while since I've had to climb that many steps, is all." She walked into the great chamber, and set her bags down by the oak desk. It had been a while since she'd been there (by her estimate 5 months, 29 days, and 5 hours give or take 5 minutes).
"So, who are we missing?" asked the Princess, curiosity shining through her laid back demeanor.
"That's the problem, I can't find them either," said Twilight.
"I'm sure we can find them in the archives. What are the names of their descendants?" Celestia asked, by this time letting curiosity get the better of her.
"I believe they were named Flower Power and Stone Wall," Twilight said in a slightly confused tone.
Princess Celestia heard these names, and froze. She asked, "Are you sure?" Twilight nodded in the affirmative. She began to laugh. So loudly, the walls rattled. "Oh, I'd always wondered where those two had gone," she said when she'd calmed down. She grabbed a handkerchief with her magic, and wiped a stray tear from here eye.
"Did you know them well?" asked Twilight, now even more confused. Admittedly that was not difficult to do when it came to social interactions.
"You could say that, yes," came the Princess' rather sheepish reply. "Considering two of their parents were Luna's and my foals, we had better." She looked over at Twilight, and found her faceplanted. Her eyes were solid blue with white text scrolling across them.
TwiOS has crashed. If the problem persists, hugs and comforting words may be required. Reboot in safe mode? Y/N
-------------------------------------------
One forced head shake "No", and one packet of smelling salts later...
-------------------------------------------
"My Sister says thou hast found our foal's descendants, Twilight Sparkle," said Luna. She was still groggy, but was surprisingly quick on the uptake for someone just waking up. "Pray tell, who are they?"
"Apparently from Flower Power's line came my mother: Twilight Velvet; and from Stone Wall's line came my father: Night Light," said the now very nervous unicorn. She braced herself for the inevitable.
"OH, MOST GLORIOUS OF DAYS!" bellowed the Lunar Princess. She scooped Twilight up, into a hug that would have crushed the little unicorn had she not prepared for such occasions.
"I suppose it is, your majesty" squeaked a rather blue-looking Twilight. Luna let Twilight go from her hypoxia inducing hug, upon which Twilight gasped and coughed for a minute or so. "Although how you're related to my ancestors Stone Wall and Flower Power still eludes me." Now she was very confused, which never led to anything good.
A sly smile parked itself upon Celestia's face. "Do you really want to know that?" she asked, wiggling her eyebrows. She heard a sputtering sound. Twilight thought.... then suffered another Blue-Screen event.
-----------------------------------------
the next morning...
-----------------------------------------
"Sister, she is waking," said one voice.
"Shh. Don't scare her, Lulu. She's on edge already," said another. This voice was more gentle on her ears.
Twilight sat up. Her head was not happy with her at all, what with all the smacking it into stone floors yesterday. "I'm up, I'm up!" Her eyes suddenly focused. Instead of her parents, were the Solar and Lunar Princesses. She scrambled to get up, but only managed to tie herself into a tangled mess of sheets. "What happened?" she asked, memories still fuzzy.
"Twilight dear, you hit your head on the floor after I made a rather bad joke," said Celestia. She looked toward her faithful student sheepishly. "I apologize for any trauma and will gladly pay for a doctor,-" she paused "-or therapist should you request one."
"No. No, I'm fine. Although, I am curious about how you and Princess Luna had children," said Twilight, curiosity prevailing against her desire for sleep.
"We suppose it is time for a 'History Lesson', as they say," said Princess Luna awkwardly. "In olden times, it was traditional for Our little ponies to wish upon the moon for one's heart's desire." She took a sip of water from a glass had she summoned into existence. "One mare named Dusk Spinner wanted more than anything in the world, a spouse who would love her as she could love them. I capitalized upon this ambiguous phrasing, for I was looking for somepony to love as well. In order to have a child we had a doctor collect one of her egg cells, then combined it with some of my, what is the term the medical community uses these days?"
"Genetic material," Twilight piped up.
"Thank you. Anyway, she carried to term, and little Starry Sky, your father's stalwart ancestor came to be." At that, a little tear of joy formed in her eye.
"Lulu, are you crying?" asked her sister, little smile adorning her alabaster face.
"No. Your eyes play tricks. We merely have a little bit of dust in Our eye." She gave her best look of exasperation, but it faltered.
"Sure," the Solar Princess deadpanned. "Anyway, I had a similar idea. However, it did not involve wishes, or the sun. It did however, involve a mare. In this case, a surrogate mother, since the stress of ruling would unfortunately have affected my ability to carry the child." She looked at Twilight for a second, then smiled. "My child's name was Posey. She loved nature, so I had the gardens commissioned for her. The plaque has since been removed, but I remember every one of her hiding spots."
"Thank you for those wonderful stories, Your Majesties," Twilight said, bowing. She then trotted off. One minute later, she came back in. "I'm not related to Blueblood, am I?"
"No, dear. His family just has a misprinted copy they've passed down through the ages. I've been trying to get that fixed," replied Celestia, small grin on her face.
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- CircuitChaser · 6.5k words · 104 4 · 3.7k views
- CircuitChaser · 11k words · 55 4 · 2.7k views
- ~Controvercity · 3.9k words · 11 1 · 1.2k views
- zakueins · 6.5k words · 122 6 · 6.5k views
- Redbook · 11k words · 87 27 · 7.2k views
- Hurricane Relic · 1.5k words · 26 2 · 2.1k views
- Pickle · 1.6k words · 58 13 · 3.6k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.139 seconds
Total duration
882 users online
1,174,719 hits today, 2,205,040 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Not a bad story, decent premise, but needs work.
1) You desperately need an editor/prereader. Multiple capitalization and punctuation errors throughout the story. No glaring spelling errors, but I was reading quickly.
2) Too much extraneous description or information in weird places, like the description of Pinkie in the beginning, or the brief conversation with the guards.
3) Kind of weird almost-meta humor. Does the TwiOS thing really fit or add anything? (Probably not, honestly.)
4) Overuse on the dashes as a break-point. Cut each line in half at minimum (on my screen, they each take up two lines, due to how long they are.) Alzo, you really don't need two sets to accompany "the next morning".
As a first story, it's fairly good, honestly. Pacing needs work, as well as the things I mentioned above, but it's overall good.
Cute and fun. It's a nice idea and a little more creative in that it sounds more like genetic implantation instead of straight sex. It feels a little abrupt though. Hard to specify what exactly or why, but the end of it needs a little more.
I demand more
I would be most grateful if you made more of this
I want to see Bluebloods reaction to 2 things:
1) The initial reveal. Twilight outright tells him.
2) Celestia and Luna confirming it.
Oh the cries of injustice coming out of him would be music to my ears. Sadly I couldn't write a halfway decent story if my life depended on it so I have to rely on you.
4303224 I would have to agree with your points. Definite editing is necessary.
I will also point out that I would love some additional chapters concerning the reactions of not just Cadence and Blueblood, but everypony else. Would be interesting. You could even make a story out of this assuming you get yourself a pre-reader to help with the editing process.
Okay. First of all, I don't think you realize just what 50 generations can do. At that point, I'd bet that all of Equestria is related to Celestia Luna. For example, consider Charlemagne. He lived 1200 years ago, which is about 40 generations. And already anyone with any European ancestry is pretty much guaranteed to be descended from him. Now, the only reason the entire planet isn't related to him is because people from different regions tend not to breed with each other very often. So a person from Asia will likely only have Asian ancestors. But because Equestria is a country and not a planet, it seems likely that there is a decent amount of breeding between ponies of different regions, so this wouldn't happen. At most, there might not be much breeding between the races. But Celestia's kid sounds like she was probably an earth pony, and Luna's sounds like she could have been a unicorn or a pegasus, and clearly they've at least ended up with some unicorn descendants. So I think it's more than likely that at least every unicorn and probably everypony else as well is descended from the princesses now. In fact, they're probably all descended from both of them. And Blueblood, as a unicorn whose family has probably been in Canterlot for a long, long time, is pretty much guaranteed.
Next, why where the princess's grandkids missing from the family tree instead of the princesses themselves or even their kids. It would make more sense that way, and the way you have it now puts emphasis on the grandkids, who are then immediately forgotten.
Finally, you've turned both of the princesses into lesbians for no discernable reason. It adds nothing to the story, and it seems unlikely that both of them would be gay. And even more importantly, it seems unlikely to me that they would have had the ability to do all that genetic splicing and whatnot 1500 years ago. If Luna still doesn't know the term "genetic material," they couldn't have been that advanced.
Also, I second everything 4303224 said.
I would take out the last three lines, there. The punchline came before that, with Celestia grinning. Beyond that makes them sound mean.
...and both Princesses had magically-implanted lesbian-coupling foals. Huh.
I liked it but it seemed a little rushed.
4303224
Shortened those dash lines. Also did a few capitalization corrections. Additional corrections will be done over time.
4303232
I will admit, I can't end a story to save my life. The 'sex' tag was more for Celestia's awful joke.
A little timing error. After the 'Two days later', you note Twilight getting a reply 'a few days ago'. Most definitions of 'a few' involve 'two or more'--either the reply was instant (which would be told in that section) or it came before she sent the letter.
Also, I think the slapstick part with Pinkie could be left out. She isn't a pratfall waiting to happen ... well, OK, she is, but she'd have better comedic timing than that.
The bit where Twilight's coughing is a bit of a distraction too, as well as the horn. Was that supposed to mean anything?
I think having her actually related to Blueblood would be an interesting thing, although it'd be something she'd know of, of course.
And an earlier point makes sense. Someone else commented on a story where Twilight and Luna got together ... and that Twilight was one of Luna's decendents. Basically, at that point, it's more trivia than anything else.
(And to the Charlemagne note, about how many people are considered descendents of Genghis Khan? How many can claim both? Hmmm
)
4305913
Fixed that. Thanks for pointing that out.
4306588
Thanks for catching that. Fixed. Also, got rid of the horn, and the coughing.
4305393
To answer your concerns: I would have had a flashback scene where Celestia looks for a decent father for the child, but I couldn't make it work. For the medical magic thing, it was relatively famous, but misunderstood due to the practitioner being near mythical himself. As for the rest... I got nothing.
Liked it enough for a thumb, have fun and good luck with more
4305393 Believe it or not homosexuality was a lot more prominent in history than its given credit for. The past few decades of human sexuality are not very different from the past few millenia. Being gay isn't new by any means. So saying a character was gay for no reason makes just about as much sense as saying they were straight for no reason, or like pepperoni pizza for no reason. They like what they like, there doesn't need to be a reason. Also having a surrogate pregnancy doesn't make you gay. Plenty of couples are unable to carry to term, and surrogates are a widely used alternative. The fertilized egg and sperm of the couple is implanted into the surrogate. The surrogate shares zero genetic material with the process. Celestia had someone carry her child because she was unable. A common enough practice in today's society and by no means implies a sexual preference of any kind. People change, The person you are is not who you once were. In ten years you will have changed again. 43 generations is a very long time to change. Roughly 900 years. Its also plenty of time to have experimented, especially when you are the one molding what is socially acceptable.
4309759
Looking back at it, I realized that you are right. Celestia was never really said to be in a relationship with the mare in question. I'm just more than a little jaded towards the fandom's obsession with turning everyone into lesbians.
And really, my problem with it here is that I find it hard to believe that ponies had the knowledge and ability to do all that genetic splicing 1500 years before the time of the show. And like you said, there doesn't need to be a reason for orientation, and it's not relevant to this story at all, so I think it would have made a lot more sense if these mares had just been stallions who got the princesses pregnant in the normal way.
"Thank you for those wonderful stories, Your Majesties," Twilight said, bowing. She then trotted off. One minute later, she came back in. "I'm not related to Blueblood, am I?"
"No, dear. His family just has a misprinted copy they've passed down through the ages. I've been trying to get that fixed," replied Celestia, small grin on her face.
(I have to admit this part ^ Seamed a little rushed. But the rest of the story is really good. I could see one more chapter to this happening if you where up to it. I'd have liked to have them chat some more about it. It would been an intersting read.
By this point she is not a Princess in story so that would be an intersting thing indeed to write about. She is related to the Princesses, Not just one but both! That is impressive and interesting to say the least.
4309799 thay have magic for gene splicing
4309799 I certainly agree that the fandom has a strange tendency to slap lesbianism on everyone. I also think that as a one shot this probably wasn't thought through as much as a continuous fic might have been. The author obviously had the idea of Celestia and Luna being Twilight's ancestors, but only got around to fleshing out the story as it was written. This leads to situations where the story would have been better if told a different way, but because start to finish this likely only took a couple hours, time wasn't used investigating alternate plot points. All in all I'd rate the one shot a 6.5/10. Certainly not shit. Certainly not shortskirtsandexplosions (I'm biased damnit). It could use work but definitely shows the writers potential for great fics. On a side note my dick is on fire with habanero juices because my SO forgot she just finished mincing about two dozen habaneros, on top of about five pounds of assorted serranos, jalapenos, poblanos, anahiem, and white chili peppers. FML
4314458
Adding in the 30 minutes I spent trying to shoehorn in a scene where Celestia went searching for a date, I spent, at most, 2-3 hours writing this.
Yeah, I could have planned this out better.
4314863 I personally don't have the time or patience to hammer out any of the thousand ideas I've got floating around. The fact that you took the time to do so shows that you are interested in writing. There are writers on this site that only release one story, it does ok. Maybe it gets 50 likes and that's the end. There are writers that create massive story lines spanning hundreds of thousands of words, millions even. There are those that seem to shit out a feature favorite one shot every other day. I suggest deciding what you want to do and do it. Just don't be to hasty with publishing your work. Take some time and polish that golden turd. Work on developing your writing. Storytelling is an art, not a formula. See abut getting an editor or seven. Write a story with multiple main characters. Write a story about Rainbow hiding her terminal brain cancer from her friends. Or one about a contractor doing work on the royal castle. Write a story about a kid exchange between a two divorced parents who live in Trottingham and the Crystal Empire respectively, They meet halfway in Canterlot at Pony Joe's. Chapter two is about the kid 20 years later wondering why donuts always make him sad. What's great about FiM in general is how human the characters are.
4314458
, 
, 
, and 
.
I think I can agree with all of that. Except for the part with the peppers. My reaction to that is something along the lines of a mix of
4312503
Yes, obviously they would be doing it with magic, but it still seems like it would be some pretty advanced magic. So even if they know how to do it now, I would be very surprised if they did 1500 years ago. There isn't much in the way of canon dates before the rise of Nightmare Moon, but 500 years before Nightmare Moon was probably a lot closer to the first Hearth's Warming than to the present. And they were a medieval society then at best. So probably no gene splicing yet.
4306588
If I recall correctly, pretty much all of Asia is descended from Genghis Khan. So anyone with a mix of Asian and European ancestry could probably claim both.
Honestly, I thought Twi would've been a little more ecstatic or freaked out that she is the descendant of gods. Instead she just thanks them and runs off. I dunno. That just seemed off putting to me.
4573514
I don't think her brain is fully processing what went on. She did hit her head a number of times after all.
Either that, or saving the freakout for offscreen.
I'd just like to say that I found this Actually Pretty Funny™.
6195582
Makes you wonder how many times Spike's had to deal with this though.
Looks cool, but why the s*x tag?
4305393
You know that Charlemagne was the grandson or great-grandson of Ghengis Khan? Ghengis was so prolific in the women he laid with that today 1 out of every 200 people worldwide can trace their lineage to him.