I am a fan of mecha, videogames, and heavy metal music. ...Fluttershy is Best Pony. <hides under blanket>
Pinkie Pie has been helping Twilight Sparkle with her Genealogy studies, and finds something peculiar. A blank spot in the tree next to her paternal and maternal (45 times) great grandmother.
Hoping to rectify this error, she goes to see her mentor Princess Celestia. But the answer is closer than she thinks.
First fic I've written ever, so the quality can only go up. I hope.
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5/18/14: added an alt-verse tag, minor grammar corrections
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Not a bad story, decent premise, but needs work.
1) You desperately need an editor/prereader. Multiple capitalization and punctuation errors throughout the story. No glaring spelling errors, but I was reading quickly.
2) Too much extraneous description or information in weird places, like the description of Pinkie in the beginning, or the brief conversation with the guards.
3) Kind of weird almost-meta humor. Does the TwiOS thing really fit or add anything? (Probably not, honestly.)
4) Overuse on the dashes as a break-point. Cut each line in half at minimum (on my screen, they each take up two lines, due to how long they are.) Alzo, you really don't need two sets to accompany "the next morning".
As a first story, it's fairly good, honestly. Pacing needs work, as well as the things I mentioned above, but it's overall good.
Cute and fun. It's a nice idea and a little more creative in that it sounds more like genetic implantation instead of straight sex. It feels a little abrupt though. Hard to specify what exactly or why, but the end of it needs a little more.
I demand more
I would be most grateful if you made more of this
I want to see Bluebloods reaction to 2 things:
1) The initial reveal. Twilight outright tells him.
2) Celestia and Luna confirming it.
Oh the cries of injustice coming out of him would be music to my ears. Sadly I couldn't write a halfway decent story if my life depended on it so I have to rely on you.
4303224 I would have to agree with your points. Definite editing is necessary.
I will also point out that I would love some additional chapters concerning the reactions of not just Cadence and Blueblood, but everypony else. Would be interesting. You could even make a story out of this assuming you get yourself a pre-reader to help with the editing process.
Okay. First of all, I don't think you realize just what 50 generations can do. At that point, I'd bet that all of Equestria is related to Celestia Luna. For example, consider Charlemagne. He lived 1200 years ago, which is about 40 generations. And already anyone with any European ancestry is pretty much guaranteed to be descended from him. Now, the only reason the entire planet isn't related to him is because people from different regions tend not to breed with each other very often. So a person from Asia will likely only have Asian ancestors. But because Equestria is a country and not a planet, it seems likely that there is a decent amount of breeding between ponies of different regions, so this wouldn't happen. At most, there might not be much breeding between the races. But Celestia's kid sounds like she was probably an earth pony, and Luna's sounds like she could have been a unicorn or a pegasus, and clearly they've at least ended up with some unicorn descendants. So I think it's more than likely that at least every unicorn and probably everypony else as well is descended from the princesses now. In fact, they're probably all descended from both of them. And Blueblood, as a unicorn whose family has probably been in Canterlot for a long, long time, is pretty much guaranteed.
Next, why where the princess's grandkids missing from the family tree instead of the princesses themselves or even their kids. It would make more sense that way, and the way you have it now puts emphasis on the grandkids, who are then immediately forgotten.
Finally, you've turned both of the princesses into lesbians for no discernable reason. It adds nothing to the story, and it seems unlikely that both of them would be gay. And even more importantly, it seems unlikely to me that they would have had the ability to do all that genetic splicing and whatnot 1500 years ago. If Luna still doesn't know the term "genetic material," they couldn't have been that advanced.
Also, I second everything 4303224 said.
I would take out the last three lines, there. The punchline came before that, with Celestia grinning. Beyond that makes them sound mean.
...and both Princesses had magically-implanted lesbian-coupling foals. Huh.
I liked it but it seemed a little rushed.
4303224
Shortened those dash lines. Also did a few capitalization corrections. Additional corrections will be done over time.
4303232
I will admit, I can't end a story to save my life. The 'sex' tag was more for Celestia's awful joke.
A little timing error. After the 'Two days later', you note Twilight getting a reply 'a few days ago'. Most definitions of 'a few' involve 'two or more'--either the reply was instant (which would be told in that section) or it came before she sent the letter.
Also, I think the slapstick part with Pinkie could be left out. She isn't a pratfall waiting to happen ... well, OK, she is, but she'd have better comedic timing than that.
The bit where Twilight's coughing is a bit of a distraction too, as well as the horn. Was that supposed to mean anything?
I think having her actually related to Blueblood would be an interesting thing, although it'd be something she'd know of, of course.
And an earlier point makes sense. Someone else commented on a story where Twilight and Luna got together ... and that Twilight was one of Luna's decendents. Basically, at that point, it's more trivia than anything else.
(And to the Charlemagne note, about how many people are considered descendents of Genghis Khan? How many can claim both? Hmmm
)
4305913
Fixed that. Thanks for pointing that out.
4306588
Thanks for catching that. Fixed. Also, got rid of the horn, and the coughing.
4305393
To answer your concerns: I would have had a flashback scene where Celestia looks for a decent father for the child, but I couldn't make it work. For the medical magic thing, it was relatively famous, but misunderstood due to the practitioner being near mythical himself. As for the rest... I got nothing.
Liked it enough for a thumb, have fun and good luck with more
4305393 Believe it or not homosexuality was a lot more prominent in history than its given credit for. The past few decades of human sexuality are not very different from the past few millenia. Being gay isn't new by any means. So saying a character was gay for no reason makes just about as much sense as saying they were straight for no reason, or like pepperoni pizza for no reason. They like what they like, there doesn't need to be a reason. Also having a surrogate pregnancy doesn't make you gay. Plenty of couples are unable to carry to term, and surrogates are a widely used alternative. The fertilized egg and sperm of the couple is implanted into the surrogate. The surrogate shares zero genetic material with the process. Celestia had someone carry her child because she was unable. A common enough practice in today's society and by no means implies a sexual preference of any kind. People change, The person you are is not who you once were. In ten years you will have changed again. 43 generations is a very long time to change. Roughly 900 years. Its also plenty of time to have experimented, especially when you are the one molding what is socially acceptable.
4309759
Looking back at it, I realized that you are right. Celestia was never really said to be in a relationship with the mare in question. I'm just more than a little jaded towards the fandom's obsession with turning everyone into lesbians.
And really, my problem with it here is that I find it hard to believe that ponies had the knowledge and ability to do all that genetic splicing 1500 years before the time of the show. And like you said, there doesn't need to be a reason for orientation, and it's not relevant to this story at all, so I think it would have made a lot more sense if these mares had just been stallions who got the princesses pregnant in the normal way.
"Thank you for those wonderful stories, Your Majesties," Twilight said, bowing. She then trotted off. One minute later, she came back in. "I'm not related to Blueblood, am I?"
"No, dear. His family just has a misprinted copy they've passed down through the ages. I've been trying to get that fixed," replied Celestia, small grin on her face.
(I have to admit this part ^ Seamed a little rushed. But the rest of the story is really good. I could see one more chapter to this happening if you where up to it. I'd have liked to have them chat some more about it. It would been an intersting read.
By this point she is not a Princess in story so that would be an intersting thing indeed to write about. She is related to the Princesses, Not just one but both! That is impressive and interesting to say the least.
4309799 thay have magic for gene splicing
4309799 I certainly agree that the fandom has a strange tendency to slap lesbianism on everyone. I also think that as a one shot this probably wasn't thought through as much as a continuous fic might have been. The author obviously had the idea of Celestia and Luna being Twilight's ancestors, but only got around to fleshing out the story as it was written. This leads to situations where the story would have been better if told a different way, but because start to finish this likely only took a couple hours, time wasn't used investigating alternate plot points. All in all I'd rate the one shot a 6.5/10. Certainly not shit. Certainly not shortskirtsandexplosions (I'm biased damnit). It could use work but definitely shows the writers potential for great fics. On a side note my dick is on fire with habanero juices because my SO forgot she just finished mincing about two dozen habaneros, on top of about five pounds of assorted serranos, jalapenos, poblanos, anahiem, and white chili peppers. FML
4314458
Adding in the 30 minutes I spent trying to shoehorn in a scene where Celestia went searching for a date, I spent, at most, 2-3 hours writing this.
Yeah, I could have planned this out better.
4314863 I personally don't have the time or patience to hammer out any of the thousand ideas I've got floating around. The fact that you took the time to do so shows that you are interested in writing. There are writers on this site that only release one story, it does ok. Maybe it gets 50 likes and that's the end. There are writers that create massive story lines spanning hundreds of thousands of words, millions even. There are those that seem to shit out a feature favorite one shot every other day. I suggest deciding what you want to do and do it. Just don't be to hasty with publishing your work. Take some time and polish that golden turd. Work on developing your writing. Storytelling is an art, not a formula. See abut getting an editor or seven. Write a story with multiple main characters. Write a story about Rainbow hiding her terminal brain cancer from her friends. Or one about a contractor doing work on the royal castle. Write a story about a kid exchange between a two divorced parents who live in Trottingham and the Crystal Empire respectively, They meet halfway in Canterlot at Pony Joe's. Chapter two is about the kid 20 years later wondering why donuts always make him sad. What's great about FiM in general is how human the characters are.
4314458
, 
, 
, and 
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I think I can agree with all of that. Except for the part with the peppers. My reaction to that is something along the lines of a mix of
4312503
Yes, obviously they would be doing it with magic, but it still seems like it would be some pretty advanced magic. So even if they know how to do it now, I would be very surprised if they did 1500 years ago. There isn't much in the way of canon dates before the rise of Nightmare Moon, but 500 years before Nightmare Moon was probably a lot closer to the first Hearth's Warming than to the present. And they were a medieval society then at best. So probably no gene splicing yet.
4306588
If I recall correctly, pretty much all of Asia is descended from Genghis Khan. So anyone with a mix of Asian and European ancestry could probably claim both.
Honestly, I thought Twi would've been a little more ecstatic or freaked out that she is the descendant of gods. Instead she just thanks them and runs off. I dunno. That just seemed off putting to me.
4573514
I don't think her brain is fully processing what went on. She did hit her head a number of times after all.
Either that, or saving the freakout for offscreen.
I'd just like to say that I found this Actually Pretty Funny™.
6195582
Makes you wonder how many times Spike's had to deal with this though.
Looks cool, but why the s*x tag?
4305393
You know that Charlemagne was the grandson or great-grandson of Ghengis Khan? Ghengis was so prolific in the women he laid with that today 1 out of every 200 people worldwide can trace their lineage to him.