I am nothing great, just a pony who enjoys reading great stories and trying my best to tell some myself.
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After a cruel twist of fate, Twilight discovers that Princess Luna is her mother after finding a dark power deep inside herself. For Twilight, her life shall never be the same, as secrets are brought to light.
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Pretty good all things considered could use a bit of a touch up but all in all good work continue.
Once I'm done reading the foalfics I'm reading right now, this is so on my reading list, so I'm favouriting now
4089451
Thank Espeon_in_the_Morning for what it looks like now cause I can promise you it looked really bad before they edited it. They saved my flank big time. And thank you this is my first try at something like this. I hope I did a good job so far.
Well done, but almost every story I pick is good so this one is simply, AMAZING!
If you need a cover to this story i can help you out.
4090796
Really?
4091024 if you want.
4091397
That would be so awesome!!
4091404 ok, I'll get to work on it later. I'll let you know when its done.
4091413
Thank you so much. You are so awesome.
4091499
your welcome.
It.... was going to be an ok story. All the way up to the second training session.... Then it took a turn into the horrible.
Twilight being ok with a voice in her head? Especially one that just appears out of no where and asks for merge? Worse yet the voice goes 'Think of all the knowledge' and Twilight eagerly accepts like a man getting water in the desert. But Twilight just heard the voice for all of 5 seconds! What knowledge did she think she was going to get?!
Next is Celestia sees Twilight about to kill Luna and the first thing out of her mouth is. "Oh hey Twilight, Luna is your mother!" Not do magic to stop them, not something else, Just.... Blurt out the 'secret'... Then that last line... "Celestia smiled and continued her back to the main hall to deal with more nobles wanting more stuff they don’t need." Celestia almost lost her sister, her student almost committed murder and treason, she just probably ruined her sister's only chance of happiness with her long lost daughter.... and she just smiles and walks away...
The story was ok, but then Twilight fell down the Stupid Tree, hit every branch on the way down and nearly got hit by Celestia as she felt out of the Heartless Tree and into the Stupid Tree, along with Logic and Reasoning just went right out the window at the end...
Oh right, Edit: I reread the beginning, forgot that I now know how the story ends, with Luna dieing and Twilight accepting her as her mother, so no matter what drama is made up, it's all bullshit as we now know she will accept Luna as her mother.
4092501
So you think that the opening was showing the end and not just some other point later in time. It could be the middle, or third of the way to the end. I will admit that there is a lot of things wrong with the story. But everyone can say the same thing about their stories. This is my first try at a story like this and so one might think that I would hit a few bumps in the road. Oh, who said Celestia and Luna are like everypony else. They are who knows how old. I'm not going to take a guess cause that would just be rude, one does not ask or talk about a ladies age. And so I shell end this reply back with a thank you and hope that I will improve my writings as I move along in life. Please have a nice day and enjoy the many other stories that this site holds.
4092575 I was going to read it till I read your comment.
4093303
Thank you for looking at it tho.
It's okay.
4093383 Yup. Just not a fan of people that reject criticism. Sorry. I'm sure it's good though...so keep it up..?
4093480
You think I'm rejecting it? That persons comment has got me thinking of ways to improve my writing. It may not show up on this story, but once I try writing another story like this. I will be ready. I did not mean for my words to show me rejecting it. But I do know when there is good and bad criticism give. And theirs was somewhere in the middle. It pointed out where I want wrong, but did not give suggestions on how I could improve or fix where I want wrong. So I took what I could of their criticism and hope that I could use it to write a better story later on. I'm sorry I got a little wordy here. Please forgive this errant writer of his mistakes.
4093564 Some of what he/she said was uncalled for I can agree with that, but yeah I read yours as rejecting it. I'll give it a shot at reading I guess =)
4093575
I'm sorry it read that way. And any feedback on what I can do make it better would be great. Thank you for giving this story a second chance.
I like it keep it up can't wait till the next chapter
For the most part I have to agree with 4092501 but I'm going to critique anyway.
First, as he points out, starting at the climax in flash-forward form only really works when it is used to build suspense, or to give the reader a peek into an unexpected future that will keep the reader puzzling as to how it came about and how it will be resolved. This effect is not captured here, as the scenario is not unexpected in the universe as portrayed by the end of the first chapter, and even if it turns out to actually be an unexpected scenario, the effect is still lost because we don't think it's an unlikely scenario. As I said though, there are two parts to a flash-foreward: the "how did we get here" and the "how will it resolve". I just talked about the former, so now to address the latter: either your focus is off, or you revealed too much. On one hand the big question is "What will Twilight do now?" which we aren't really focused on because she wasn't the focus, or at least the final focus, or it's suspense about if Luna will survive, which you just revealed as no, she won't. (baring terrible deus ex machina tears of healing b.s. or conveniently forgotten alicorn immortality. Seriously though, if it's either of those just stop now.) (I guess I should also include the possibility that it is as Jirodyne predicts, but if the big question really is whether or not Twilight accepts her role as Luna's daughter than the whole story is, as he said, pretty flatly ruined to begin with.)
Second,
No you would have missed their entire bloody life, unless they were immortal, in which case you would have still missed one thousand years of their life, which is “childhood” to nothing.
By adding one more filly to the planet you were sealed away from? How does that help you with your lonliness? Now you should feel even more lonely knowing your own child is lost to you for a thousand years.
Oh, so you did have contact with the dream relm… and Celestia… so… you weren’t actualy alone, you had your sister and all of sleeping Equestria to interact with… including that daughter who would no doubt spend a lot of time asleep.
So, now even your ability to escape at all is called into question? That does not concur with your prior statement about only missing “much” of your daughter’s childhood.
Third there were a lot of questions (many of which were already covered by Jirodyne) like:
Why was Twilight so apt to listen to the crazy voice in her head? You’d expect some hesitation from a scholar when confronted with the undoubtedly malicious blank check of power (espically from a crazy disembodied voice that she just accepts the existence of for no reason).
Why didn’t Celestia intervene physically? She has shields, teleportation, or at least telekinesis, why would she just shout at the person about to commit murder?
Why shout out the secret? I know this was already asked, but seriously, not just “Stop!” or “Twilight!” but rather “Twilight stop! She is your mother!”. Like it would have been ok to kill anyone else? “Go right ahead Twilight, that’s your friend, monarch, and teacher, but she’s not your mother so she’s open game!”
I may as well stop there… there are more questions but this comment is already 1/6th as long as the chapter it’s about so for the sake of sanity I’ll stop here. If you have any questions about this critique or would like to contest any of my points, please do so and I’ll explain, defend, or delve deeper as needed.
I didn't notice the anthro tag and after I looked back, I was hesitant, because I'm not much into anthro mlp, but this seems good
I know what twilight heard in her. Head though, her nightmare moon. This is worrying, because twi has accepted her without even meaning to.
That first scene really saddened me though, because I know what's coming for twi.
4094614
First off, I would like to thank you for your critique. Unlike Jirodyne, you chose to explain things and not just insult things.
Critiques like that make it hard to improve what I wrote. Yours I could clearly see what I did wrong and got me thinking of ways to make them better. There are a few points that you made that I would like to discuss more. The first quote you picked out. I thought that I pointed out somewhere near when that was said, I wrote something about Twilight was still born around the same time she was in the show.
I think that maybe we can talk in a PM and maybe I can ask for help in fixing some of these mistake in my story. But again thank you for helping me with what you have showed me so far.
How come you haven't added the cover yet.
4119327
I'm sorry about that, was having trouble uploading here. I will try again. Wish me luck.
4119327
I now know why it wasn't working. The image was too big for the site. I had to do a little resizing for it to work. But it works.
4119811 OK, and you spelled my name wrong.
4119863
Sorry about that. It should be fixed now.
I can't wait for more chapters
I can't wait for more chapters
I can't wait for more chapters:
I can't wait for more chapters:
I must have moar! Also one thing that keeps annoying me is that you keep saying hands and stuff instead of hooves I know its nit picking but still. Anyway I really enjoyed this chapter and cant wait for more!
Okay, this has my interest, but it's kinda tough to read. There's awkward phrasing everywhere and you keep switching tenses. When I was reading it, I kept thinking, 'wow, this guy really needs an editor,' but then I got to the bottom of the chapter to see that there is already someone editing this. I suggest you get a new editor, you don't have to drop your current one just get another, more experienced, editor to help.
I did look through the comments and I do agree with both Jirodyne and Wages of Sin on a few points, those being, the flash forward, I agree more Wages than Jirodyne. The fact that Twilight just accepts the voice in her head, I feel there needs to be a bit more conversation between them as, like Jirodyne pointed out, the voice says, "Think of all the knowledge you could gain," we don't know what knowledge you have so why should Twilight accept that? Then there's Luna's chat with Twilight, there's inconsistency all over the place here.
Now, here's where I have a different opinion than Wages but we both say and pointed out that there's a problem with this part of the story, though I think it's just how it's written, he may understand better what you were trying to say or I may be, I don't know, I'm not trying to confuse you. While Wages does make good points, like how Luna is still able to enter the dream world that would not leave her so lonely. I say that that makes sense, but explain how, even though Luna can enter dreams, she is still lonely, give it a similar story to Luna Eclipsed where even though ponies saw her, they were afraid she was Nightmare Moon and that would also explain how Celestia would know that it is Luna and not Nightmare in the dream world, because she knew the difference between the two. And there's this line,
I feel that you had meant it to have been near the end of her banishment, like the last twenty years or however old you think Twilight is and Wages just didn't see or consider that as what it was meant to be but it was still a good thing to point out. Also, Equestria or the magic of Equestria would have known it was nearing the end of Luna's banishment and granted her wish to not be alone and created Twilight knowing it wouldn't be long before Luna came back and, as it is suggested by the show, also had planned for her to free Luna from the nightmare and, continuing the show line, become an alicorn like her mother. As for the
line, as you wrote right after that the "But the sad truth is..." line, change it to "When I got out of this prison."
Now, as for Celestia being stupid and blurting out Luna's secret, I understand that in certain situations, people don't really think as they only have just a moment for everything that they can do to stop what is happening to run through their head and they will not always pick the most logical thing to do but there is still a limit to the stupid things one can do. I say you don't have to change it, just explain it better.
Again, I agree with both Jirodyne and Wages on this one, the last line just does not belong in this story. If I were Celestia here, I would have been worried about the fact that Twilight just tried to kill her mother and upset over the fact that I just told Twilight, Luna's secret to stop her from killing her mother and that Luna is now upset at me, although a little thankful, since she wanted to tell Twilight herself, not laughing to myself that nobles are going to be bothering me, asking for things that they don't need. Even when dealing with the nobles I'd still be worrying about how Twilight left things and how she would react to that knowledge and if she didn't accept Luna as her mother then how would Luna take it.
Wow, I wasn't expecting to write so much... Still, I do like this story and I anticipate any changes you make to this as well as the next chapter. Sorry if this messes up any changes you were already making.
tears and feels
good job
4402461
Thank you
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!LUNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! nice story
4483735
Thank you, I have one more part left for this story. I think it's going to throw a few people for a loop.
I noticed that there are some typos and grammatical errors, mostly the wrong version words. I noticed the same thing in the first chapter, if you could have someone proofread your chapters before posting it would help or better several people proofread. That said I find the story intriguing.
when you are off your hiatus I look forward to the dramatic conclusion to this story this is a very sad story I now truly understand the "Tragedy" and "Sad" tags are for. I hope you finish this story soon
Redbook i got a question when will the next chapter come out for this story
5380058
I'm currently working on the next chapter now. I expected it hopefully before the end of the year.
5380085 okay
5380087
I'm glad this story isn't a bust. Thank you.
5380092 me too and your welcome
I'm no fan of anthro stories, but I gave this a shot anyways.
It's pretty well-written, but I found some things that you should change.
1. Don't capitalize alicorn all the time. 'tis no big deal, but it's a bit annoying at times.
2. This sentence: The feeling Twilight got every time she was with Luna was something she normally felt when she was with her mother.
Nyeh, pointless "foreshadowing." Replace with "Twilight felt safe when around Luna" or something.
3. Dat tense fluctuation. The whole story is written in past tense except in a few places. For example:
"When she got halfway to Twilight, she vanish"
"When she reappears, Twilight was waiting for her with a ball of pure magic."
"Luna summons a shield just in time as Twilight releases the ball. The explosion was strong enough to shake the whole castle."
Update!!!!!!
5526462
I have good news for you. I am about done with the last chapter. And soon it will be off to pre-readers and editors.
What is with this month and endings I just didn't like.