- Member Since 26th Aug, 2013
- offline last seen May 24th, 2022
Kaitlynn Genevieve
I play the violin every day to make up for the fact that I wasn't smart enough to stay in College.
Kaitlynn Genevieve
Joined 26th Aug, 2013 ·
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No. Just....no.
5424479 Did you read it?
5424527 Yes, I did. All of it. Strange and stupid is really the only way to describe it.
5424629 Thank you, that's all I needed :3
No.
How was this dark?
5424766 Please elaborate.
5424767 I added it just in case, since the premise on it's own tends to rub people the wrong way.
5424769 No, I can't...s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/97/f5/e7/97f5e73cf5ef96618194c9e7905261c5.jpg
5424773 Understandable
Thank You anyway
5424772 I saw cherry popping and somnophilia nothing dark here
Thank you 5424788.
It doesn't seem that you either liked or disliked the story, would you mind telling me what you thought of it?
P.S. I know we have a word for everything but I didn't know that Somnophilia was a thing. You learn something new everyday. :3
5424807 it was pretty good although I was confused as to who spike was doing at first since no name was mentioned until near the end and somnophilia is the fetish of having sex with someone who is asleep
5424826 Thanks, that is the most concise answer I've gotten all day.
And faved :)
Hmm. A different... Spikebell... SweetSpike... what ever the pairing is called, this was different. A good different.
You question how its dark, well its rape. Pretty certain thats pretty dark. One of those crimes that just horrible, more horrible for mere words. And its revenge really on her older sister for being a tease.
5449924 Essentially.
I'm considering penning a back story for Spikes train of thought. He was in love with Rarity and she flat out rejected him.
5449941 i won't lie, good story though. Very well written.
5449964 Thanks
Actually pretty good. I wasn't sure, what with the awful ratio, but it held up better than I expected. I'd recommend a little more of a set up and a little more of a fall out at the end. You wrote a good middle of a story, tack another 2 k words onto it, 1k at the beginning and 1k at the end, as intro and outro and it would have been excellent. You'd be surprised how many people will give you a positive review if your story has a good flow. Even if it's about drugging and raping.
A good way to think about stories, as I noticed you're a college student intent on writing, is to think about them like a play. Plays come in 3 or 5 acts. Each act needs a little tension and resolution, even if the tension is as simple as "who is at my door?". Stories don't need to be in 3 separate scenes of course, but you still need something to fill the scenes purpose. Spike's thoughts almost did this, setting up the reader to appreciate what was about to happen. But they only amount to 3 lines, one at the beginning and two at the end. Perhaps if you had done the same thing with the story but had Spike's thoughts be more present it would have been more engrossing.
As it stands, it's nothing but silent physical observations for the reader. That's not very engrossing. Don't attempt to be a movie, that isn't the strong point of the written word. A picture or play would be much better suited for that. Use the strengths of writing to get your ideas across. What was felt? What was the temperature? Any smells? Sounds? There is far more you can do with the written word than simply narrate action after action. Contemplate. Take a moment to breathe. And let your audience experience what's happening instead of simple observing it.
Here is a paragraph you wrote :
"He grunts as he slowly slides himself into her, stopping at the inevitable barrier of her innocence. He places his hands on the bed beside her to stable himself, and in one swift move plunges his tongue into her mouth and breaks through, her scream muffled by his lips against hers. He feels her warm wetness gripping his cock as he hilts himself in her. Her eyes shedding new tears, as pain courses through her body. He pauses, waiting for her body to get used to this new invasion. He kisses her again before leaning in once again to suckle on her nipples."
Every sentence starts with "he" or "her". Try to mix up how they start, it gets repetitive. It's okay to do this once in a while to drive a point home, but this isn't the only paragraph in your story like this, and this sort of content is mundane for your story. As such, it doesn't need the emphasis. Another thing in this paragraph is the subject. Your subject is Spike for all but one sentence. The fourth sentence describes Sweeties pain without any sort of transition. If you had stayed an external narrator describing simple actions that would have been fine, albeit boring. However, you talk about how she feels. An external observer could only guess about how she feels. Then you quickly move back to Spike. Rapidly changing subjects without transitions is jarring, and I would recommend against it. You can make the same observation and still have Spike be the subject of the sentence - Here is an example:
Spike (or the young dragon, the dragon, the whelp, the drake, anything to label him, I know you were avoiding that) grunts, slowly sliding himself into the helpless mare, stopping at the inevitable barrier of her innocence. His hands grasp the bed beside her, stabilizing himself. In one swift move he plunges his tongue into her mouth and breaks through her virgin wall, muffling her screams by pressing his lips against hers. A warm wetness grips his cock as he hilts himself in her. He watches her eyes shed new tears as her body clenches in pain. Pausing, he waits for her body to get used to this new invasion. He kisses her again before leaning in once again to suckle on her nipples.
See how that sentence fits better? Spike is still the subject, and you can talk about his observations. In this case, it's implied that Spike thinks Sweetie is in pain, even though we didn't say that. I also made some minor changes with the beginnings of your sentences and the necessary structure changes to accommodate the changes. I'd also recommend keeping a thesaurus open when you write and going back and looking for awkward bits to word them out. Example! I'm gonna keep using the paragraph I changed:
"Spike grunts, slowly sliding himself into the helpless mare, stopping at the inevitable barrier of her innocence. His hands grasp the bed beside her, stabilizing himself. In one swift move he plunges his tongue into her mouth and breaks through her virgin wall, muffling her screams by pressing his lips against hers. A warm wetness grips his cock as he hilts himself in her. He watches her eyes shed new tears as her body clenches in pain. Pausing, he waits for her body to get used to this
newinvasion. He kisses her again before leaning in once again to suckle on her nipples."Okay. Some of these are okay, but could make the paragraph better by switching out some words. Some are kind of a problem, the last sentence especially.
First one, why use two words that will likely be repeated elsewhere in the story when you can use one word that's more descriptive? "slowly sliding" can become "easing". It fits better, describes whats happening better, and now you can use slowly and sliding somewhere else without feeling too guilty.
Next, "get used to" can be "acclimate". It means the same thing and is far less wordy. I'd also get rid of "new" as invasion kind of implies that already. Perhaps if you changed invasion to something else, like sensation or something, then keep new.
And the last one "once again". This is the biggest crime here in my book. Using the same word twice in one sentence when there are many other options! Sometimes it's necessary, but it absolutely was not in this case. I'd replace the "once again" bit with something else entirely. Like this "He kisses her again before leaning in to resume suckling her nipples."
That makes it look like this for the paragraph:
"Spike grunts, easing himself into the helpless mare, stopping at the inevitable barrier of her innocence. His hands grasp the bed beside her, stabilizing himself. In one swift move he plunges his tongue into her mouth and breaks through her virgin wall, muffling her screams by pressing his lips against hers. A warm wetness grips his cock as he hilts himself in her. He watches her eyes shed new tears as her body clenches in pain. Pausing, he waits for her body to acclimate to his invasion. He kisses her again before leaning in to resume suckling her nipples."
There's always more you can do to any bit of writing, but don't let it consume you. I'd add a few more descriptive words to add feeling, but maybe that's not your style. If I wrote it, I'd have added a few words like this :
"Spike quietly grunts, easing himself into the helpless mare, careful to stop at the inevitable barrier of her innocence. His sweating hands tightly grasp the bed beside her, stabilizing himself inside of and above her. In one swift move he plunges both his wanton tongue into her mouth and his greedy self inside her body breaking through her virgin wall. Forcefully, he muffles her surprised screams by pressing his hot lips against hers, soaking in her soft velvet touch. A warm wetness grips his hardened cock as he hilts himself in her, feeling their bodies become one. He watches her closed eyes shed new tears as her panicked body clenches frantically in pain. Pausing, he waits for her confused body to acclimate to his selfish invasion. Tenderly, he kisses her again, enjoying her body before leaning in to resume suckling her hardening nipples."
Of course, too much color can be a bad thing, and sometimes I go overboard. Feel free to ignore me on any account, writing is as much an art as a science. Another thing of note is that if you don't like how I write, then especially don't listen to me.
Well, this got longer than I planned. Keep writing, doesn't have to be evil dirty smut. Writing is a good skill to have, and I think it makes people better in the long run. Good luck! Maybe I'll bump into one of your next stories and favorite it. I did like this though, so I wouldn't complain if it was evil dirty porn.
5462154 Thanks a lot. I'm not sure how to say this without sounding sarcastic, but I do enjoy walls of text in the comments so you're fine. I like your suggestions and I appreciate the fact that you didn't rip my story or me to shreds while reviewing. Would you mind me asking you to edit some of my future stories?
5462916
Thanks for reading through my suggestions. Honestly, I'd make a terrible editor because I don't play well with others. I'm also really thorough with my own stuff, and I don't have the patience to do that with someone else. I'd feel bad because you wouldn't be getting my best, and I'd inevitably make a few really bad suggestions. Then I would clam up when I realized I gave you bad advice and you'd feel like I was ignoring you. It just never ends well.
I'll happily give you suggestions whenever, but I wouldn't expect me to do any real editing. Another thing for me, and more importantly for you as a student, is that if an author does have a very thorough editor they tend to become lazy. Editing is sort of the heavy lifting hard work of writing. It's taking a well drawn picture and adding all of the important, but time consuming, things like shading and minute details. It's important as an author to be intimately familiar with those finishing touches, you can craft your story better if you understand how it will look when it's finished. And the best way to become familiar with them is to do them.
That being said, you should absolutely always have an editor look at your work, I just would be very careful about relying on them. I'd personally (for one of my stories) try and work the example paragraph a few times over (past what I ended on) before I sent it off to the editor. That's how much time I spend on things...
I'm providing you feedback because your majors are listed as English and Creative Arts. To me, that spells author. I like authors.
So sure, ask away. Don't expect much though, I'm unreliable as an editor and an author. Sorry...
Oops!
that was well written, plz don't stop...maybe a sequel??
Awesome fetish fuel! There aren't enough drugged, sleeping deflowering stories. I imagine Spike won't be satisfied with just one night.
I loved this. Thank you for writing it.
5894253 you are correct.. Maybe we should remedy that situation
5916830 animateit.net/data/media/june2010/family-guy-021207-10.gif
5916896 giggity
5916927 I know another story that you might be... "interested".
6118541 Pm me and let me know.
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/958/840/b36.png
I now hate spike even more now I hope bad stuff happens to him
Awesome story, needs improvement, but awesome none the less.
Nice knowing you, Spike. After Sweetie gives birth to your foal you're as good as dead.
Most interesting.
Hello Kaitlynn Genevieve
Good story. Will you write what happens next?
So, raping her for not getting it with her sister, makes it kinda worse. Then again this is a fictional story so, can't really say anything there.