Passion of The Night

Lunar Republic is Epic #1 · Feb 19th, 2014 · · ·

It is a very good story in my opinion not the best i have read. But not the worst i have read either. But other than that its a good story

The Hero Pony

The Hero Pony #2 · Feb 19th, 2014 · · ·

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Keep practicing, mate. You'll get better the more you write.

shadowmane1

shadowmane1 #3 · Feb 19th, 2014 · · ·

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add in a bit of foreplay and you're good to go

Ahrazell

Ahrazell #4 · Feb 19th, 2014 · · ·

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i dont know what to think but i see talent

agron989

agron989 #5 · Feb 19th, 2014 · · ·

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This is a very good story you do have some great talent

Comment posted by agron989 deleted Feb 19th, 2014

BronzeUnicorn

BronzeUnicorn #7 · Feb 19th, 2014 · · ·

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Definitely needs improvement, but it was still very good. It was a bit rushed and vague on details, but overall, it enjoyable. Hope to read more in the future. Btw I have trouble with adding details and rushing the story too.

rar1ty

rar1ty #8 · Feb 20th, 2014 · 2 · ·

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A very good first effort! It must be very nerve wracking to wait for comments. All in all I think you have the pieces needed to become a great writer! Your set up is very clean, so many authors can't make it from point A to point B without stopping at G and T first. The execution of the plot went exactly how it should: set up, clop some clop, ending. You may not think that is a huge deal but it is. I read a lot of bad stories where often authors get off task by adding flashbacks and unneeded scenes/dialogue that add nothing to the story. Be very proud that you do not have that affliction. However, giving only positive feedback won't help you get better so here's some constructive criticism.

You've got to work on your descriptors, for instance ~~"Hello Twilight" Luna says in slightly less than a normal speaking voice.~~ is an odd choice. That took me out of it a bit. Try something that is more indicative of why her tone was different such as -in a husky tone, -in a seductive way Twilight had never heard before, -in a register that set the newest princess on edge. Try to be specific when possible because readers rarely like to be left to the imagination.

Stepping back she focuses her magic on her own love box, taking note of her flowing justices. Her clit begins to extend out and thicken as her lips move back to make space for the two new protrusions hanging from under her new penis CLINICAL TERMS ARE A UNIVERSAL TURN OFF. This is a common pitfall of all new writers. Imagine laying in bed with your favorite idol and she says, "Focus on my love box." or he says, "Unf baby, the protrusions under my penis" not very sexy at all. This means we need more stimulating words to describe these things -she focuses her magic on her hyper sensitive marehood, -on the pleasure swollen junction between her thighs, -on the ache throbbing with her need for Twilight.
Clit isn't as a huge deal but try coming up with something else like love bud or terms like "center" work too. It just gets a bit raunchy if it's the only thing used to describe it. Instead of lips try something like The petals of her sex fold back as the apex thickens in to stallionhood befitting a king with crown jewels to match. Have fun with the facts about the characters to make it more personal.

Work on pacing. Yes, clop needs very little set up so the intro is fine but the actual sex is very short with little to indicate how much both are enjoying it. I didn't notice Luna was all "whatever" about it until Twilight said something. You should take time to note her movements were mechanical or overly gentle to keep from hurting Twi more. What you are missing to flesh out pacing is character thoughts and feelings.

Other than that mastery of characterization will come with the more you write. This story is plug and play in the dialogue because anypony could say these things nothing about Luna or Twilight really shone through. Watch some episodes and read some of your favorites before you write and I have a feeling that story will be much better.

Rinnaul

Rinnaul #9 · Feb 20th, 2014 · 1 · ·

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Feel free to tell me of any mistakes in the comments.

Alright, you asked for it...

In the first paragraph, it gives the impression Twilight is trying to be sexy for Luna, but she doesn't know what Luna has in store for her yet. Let her be naive and innocent at first.

in front of her. The light gleaming - One sentence, with a comma after "her", and after "coat".

ethereal man - mane.

gawk Twilight Sparkle" she - Commas after "gawk" and "Sparkle".

whips her in the face with her tail. - This sounds more violent than you likely intended, and is in passive voice. Might I suggest "flicks her tail across Twilight's face" instead?

call me Princess?'' she asked breaking - Commas after "me" and "asked". Also, that's a pair of single-quotes rather than one double, and you switched from present-tense to past-tense here. I recommend sticking with past-tense in most cases.

"Your dreams Twilight, they called to me." she sighed. - A comma after "dreams", and it would read better if "They" was the beginning of a new sentence. Also, "sighed" implies a sad tone. I suggest "breathed" instead.

blinks slowly, beginning - Went back to present-tense again.

"Oh, I'm sorry Princess I didn't mean t-" - Comma or period after "Princess".

about." Luna says and petrified Twilight. "I - Comma instead of a period.

fulfil your wishes" - Fulfill and missing the ending period.

"Which ones Prin- "she stops herself " - Missing comma, and make that it's own sentence: "Which ones, Prin-" She stops herself. "Luna?"

"All of them" she says bringing - Commas after "them" and "bringing". Also, you move way too fast here in two different ways. First, don't even go for the kiss yet. Let Luna tease Twilight for a while. Once Twilight's at the point where she'd be begging for it if only she weren't too uptight and afraid of causing offense for that - then start with the kissing. Proceed with further activities only once she gives in and starts begging anyway.

purple partner - You call Twilight "purple ______" a lot. Beware Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. However, in this particular instance you should keep it, as "purple partner" is nice alliteration.

purple alicorns - Apostrophe in "alicorn's".

She is enveloped in Luna's light blue aura and placed on the bed. - Passive voice, and confuses your present tense. Try "Luna's light blue aura envelopes her and places her on the bed." instead.

sensitive" she says - Comma after "sensitive".

too much Twilight. - Comma after "much".

enjoy this now because - Awkward. Might be better with "for now". Also, comma before "because".

If you do - Shouldn't be capitalized.

against partner - Should be "against her partner's"

"Luna, Please I can't-" - "Please" shouldn't be capitalized, and ought to have a comma after it.

let it come Twilight." Luna said - Commas after "come" and in place of the period after "Twilight". Also I giggled at this because I am immature.

Luna said as she sped up, deepened as, and increased - Back into present-tense again.

"Thank You, Luna" she says raising - Comma after "says".

She smirks. - It's position suggests Twilight is the one smirking, but I think that's meant for Luna.

"Don't thank me yet Twilight Sparkle the fun has yet to come" - Comma after "yet", should be a period after "Sparkle", "The fun" should be the start of a new sentence, and missing a closing period.

"Yes, Twilight Sparkle?" - The first time Luna uses her full name here, it gives the impression that Luna is asserting her dominance, which is fitting. When she keeps using it, it comes off as strangely formal. It remains awkward through the rest of the story.

"You can Twilight but not tonight this is just for you to enjoy." - Commas after "can" and "Twilight". New sentence starting with "This".

Stepping back she - Comma after "back".

love box - These words are less than romantic.

her flowing justices. - I think you want "juices".

glistening lips coating - Comma after "lips".

it with a seemingly endless amount of juices - Mixing singular and plural. Try "it in her seemingly endless juices".

she replies not - comma after "replies".

"You're a virgin Twilight?" she asks. - Comma after "virgin". You can also leave off the "she asks" here, as well as in a few other places.

to do anything? - Period, not a question mark.

I think I should have known - Might leave out the "I think".

Twilights entrance - Apostrophe in "Twilight's".

Twilights innocence - Same thing.

Twilights she - And here, but for a different reason. The first two were possessive, this one is a contraction. Also, a comma after "Twilight's".

she takes note - It's usually better to just say "notices".

partners cheeks - Apostrophe in "partner's".

you want" she says wiping - Commas after "want" and "says".

you can keep going" - Missing a closing period.

continues her slow thrusting - "Resumes" could be a better word than "continues", and "Gentle" could be better than "slow".

lovers face - Apostrophe in "lover's".

Twilights stomach - Apostrophe in "Twilight's".

You use "thrusting" a bit too much. It becomes repetitive.

"Oh my god Luna, I love you" Twilight whispers on her throes - "Oh my god" seems out of place with ponies. Personally, I use heavenly objects - "By the sun", "Oh, stars"; things like that. And commas after "god" and "you". And it's usually written "in her throes" rather than "on".

"The feeling is mutual Twilight" she says the the - Commas after "mutual" and "Twilight". Should probably be "to the".

" Stop Luna" she says lifting herself up. - Commas after "Stop", "Luna", and "says".

"What's wrong Twilight" she says pulling - Commas after "wrong" and "says". Question mark after "Twilight".

with a plop. - The typical onomatopoeia is a "pop". "Plop" suggests something a bit different.

much so but - Comma after "so".

for you Twilight" - Comma after "you", period after "Twilight".

just as much as I do" - Period after "do".

stands up taking note of the fact that she can barely stand - Very repetitive and awkward. "Taking note of" is a hamfisted way to attempt to show instead of telling, but all it does it tack a few extra words onto a telly sentence. Describe a bit, instead. Compare to this: "Twilight stands on wobbly legs, struggling to keep herself upright after the pounding Luna gave her."

please." she says placing - Comma instead of a period after "please", and one after "says".

Slowly she lowers - Comma after "slowly".

Twilights full weight - Apostrophe in "Twilight's".

Sparkle" she says wrapping - Commas after "Sparkle" and "says".

her partners waist " but allow - Apostrophe in "partner's", and comma or period after "waist".

to meet her way down. - Should probably be "on her way down".

warm box - "Box" is still one of the less-sexy euphemisms.

body, as she - Don't need that comma.

tighten, with one - Make this two sentences.

"I love you Luna" she says breaking the kiss. The Night Princess smiles. - Commas after "you", "Luna", and "says". Also, don't mix dialogue from one speaker with actions from another. It's confusing. Put Luna's action next to Luna's speech.

"I love you too, Twilight Sparkle" - Missing the closing period, and some would prefer a comma after "you" here.

Now, please don't take my extensive notes harshly. I kind of make doing this a hobby, and I do it with the intent of showing you how to improve. Despite the flaws, there were good points - The story flowed well despite it's too-rapid pacing, and I liked how awkward Twilight could be about everything, and that Luna was attentive and considerate about her inexperience. The two were very sweet in places. The actual clop wasn't great, but it was far from the worst I've seen. You could probably expand this out to about 2000-2500 words by having more teasing and foreplay, slowing down the pace, and playing up those sweet moments between Luna and Twilight a bit more; and the result would be a really good one-shot romanticlop.

It's still good enough for an upvote, and you might have inspired me to write a bit of futa TwiLuna myself, though with a very different setup and tone.

Also, rar1ty there got a post in while I was typing, and makes some good points on a couple things I skipped, as well as highlighting a different style from my own.

Cryosite

Cryosite #10 · Feb 20th, 2014 · · ·

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The light gleaming of of her midnight blue coat and her ethereal man floating in the invisible breeze of her night.

Rinnaul already caught the mane-man error. I didn't see the "of of" error listed though. Should probably be "off of" instead.

There is also a point in the story that doesn't make anatomical sense.

She runs her tongue across Twilights stomach as she speeds up her thrusting, feeling Twilight become wetter as she clenches around Luna's cock.

Does Luna not have ribs? Perhaps it is possible with equine anatomy, but it is a bit off-putting regardless.

Comment posted by Kaitlynn Genevieve deleted Feb 21st, 2014

Kaitlynn Genevieve

Kaitlynn Genevieve #12 · Feb 20th, 2014 · · ·

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Thank you guys so much. I plan to do some grammatical and punctuational fixing when I get back on the computer. I'm taking stock of your suggestion rar1ty to put in my future stories so that I and other will be able to see my growth in my writing.

Thank you all for your time and I hope to see your comments on more of my stories.

Darkrainb0wdash