It's not like you're real.
"Hello. My name is Mr. Jonathan Pertree, with the U.S. Department of Fictional Realities. I am here to facilitate communications between, ah—” He paused and took another look at his dossier. “—'Equestria' and the United States of America." He looked at the regal mare seated on her throne and smiled professionally. “It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Princess Celestia.”
She stared at him. His appearance suggested nothing more than the norm, though Celestia had no frame of reference. He looked to be in his late thirties, muscle starting to run into fat, but still sharply dressed in a three-piece work suit. In one hand he held a folder, stuffed with papers.
His face remained diplomatically calm, seemingly unperturbed by her silence. This silent turmoil was a common reaction by fictionals whenever the government came knocking. He was used to it. The government had acted with uncharacteristic swiftness when it was discovered that works of fiction spawned entire new universes which man could explore and subsequently exploit to his heart's content. Mere months after the first trip to a known property ended in disaster, the government established a legal department to oversee and regulate travel and trade to these realities.
Despite it happening a long, long time ago, a galaxy far, far away was still under a travel advisory.
Celestia cleared her throat, organizing her thoughts. This creature—this man—had walked out of thin air into the great hall of her castle, past layers of impenetrable magical defenses, and requested an audience. The Royal Guard hadn't been able to touch him. Magics halted on impact and charging stallions bounced on impact as if he were made of stone. Even Celestia’s spells had stopped on contact, having no more effect than the sunlight streaming through the windows.
“Oh yes,” he had said by way of explanation, “it's because I'm more real than you are.” This had done little to quell her anxiety.
“Mr. Pertree,” she began, voice betraying none of her emotion, “I apologize, but you must understand that this is—” She motioned with one hoof, trying to conjure a word that encapsulated the whole of her disbelief. “—unbelievable,” she finished lamely.
He nodded, sympathetic smile on his face. “I fully understand, Princess.” His voice oozed like honey, practiced over years of dealing with people and things that didn’t quite exist. “Finding out that your entire existence is a fabrication is something of a shock.” He paused and shuffled the papers in his folder. “I must say that you're taking this far better than most fictionals.”
“Have you seen this often?” she inquired.
He nodded again. “The Department has consolidated over nine-hundred fictional realities. I have personally overseen the addition of two dozen worlds, including several high-profile realities like ‘Magic: The Gathering’ and ‘Wakfu’.” He paused for a moment, then laughed, embarrassed. “I assure you that those are very popular properties. We do apologize for our delay in reaching you, but Equestria was not a particularly high priority reality, owing to a lack of worthwhile resources.”
Celestia felt her jaw tighten and her eye start twitching. Her world was “low priority”? As if it had nothing to offer to this—this United States? “Well, I'm sorry we have nothing of worth,” she replied, her tone icy. She paused as she thought it through. “But how can you use anything we have? Nothing in our world seems able to touch you.”
He raised a hand in supplication. “I apologize. I did not mean to disparage the worthiness of your reality,” he said smoothly, “but you must understand that there are many, many worlds out there and a relatively limited number of officials to oversee their consolidation. As to the question of the metaphysical properties of fictional materials in our real world, I must beg ignorance. Our greatest scientific minds normally speak of ‘morphogenic fields’ and ‘universal wavelengths’.” He shrugged a shoulder then plunged back into the meat of the discussion.
“We have to prioritize realities based on their stability and immediate usefulness. Again, apologies.” He cleared his throat. “Which brings me to the next point of business. As your first point of contact with the U.S. Department of Fictional Realities, I will be providing you with legal counsel concerning your upcoming custody case with Hasbro Incorporated.”
He had never seen a pony's eyes go so wide.
“Custody case?” She spluttered for a moment. “Wh-what do you mean custody case?”
He cleared his throat again as he glanced over his documentation. “Well, yes. Hasbro currently owns the copyright of all ‘My Little Pony’ merchandise and intellectual property, so they're in good legal standing for rights to exploitation of natural resources in addition to revenue from tourism and sale of lands and various other sundry.”
“Exploitation?” Celestia faintly repeated, staring into space.
“However, they've requested rights to market the ponies themselves as merchandise, which opens up an entire legal can of worms about the rights of fictionals vis-a-vis what is essentially slavery.” Celestia started at the mention of slavery, but he waved her down and gave her another comforting smile. “Don't worry, we have the law on our side. Smurfs vs Dupuis, The State of Johto vs Nintendo, Mobius vs Sega… Why, the list goes on and on.” He waved a hand dismissively. “The Supreme Court has given quite a lot of power to fictionals in the pursuit of their own rights, so I do not foresee any problems overturning their claim.
“Further,” he continued, glancing once more at his dossier, “were Equestria to seek protection under the auspices of the United States government, we could clear up this case rather quickly. We would, of course, have to establish appropriate tax rates and rights to natural resources, but the hand of the government is rather light on fictionals, especially compared to corporate exploitation.”
The princess narrowed her eyes. “And if we were to refuse the protection of your government?” He gave her an appraising look. She was surprisingly shrewd for a fictional from a children’s television show.
He smiled again. There was no warmth in that smile. “Well, I’m afraid that the Department of Fictional Realities has limited manpower and resources. We’d be far less able to come to an equitable agreement without some give from Your Majesty’s government.”
Celestia shook her head. “How?” she asked, shocked. “How could you countenance something like this? Slavery and theft from living, feeling creatures?”
Mr. Pertree looked at her, eyebrow raised in surprise. “I'm sorry,” he said, “but it's not like you're real.”
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Holy hell..I thought this was going to be a funny little read,,,but that end was a bit dark!I want more NOW!NOOOOOW!
Let me clear my voice first. *le clearing of ze voice*
Brilliant... Just brilliant.
The story is hilarious. It's a nice and welcome spin on the entire Human in Equestria idea and fuck I would never be able to come up something like this.
Well, haven't seen something quite like this before. I really do think the government would manage to mess up communications so badly that they would end up just invading, taking whatever they want, and spinning the ponies to be the enemy.
Great story, I would love to see a sequel if only because the setting here interests me greatly.
That was perfect just perfect. I would love to see a sequel.
Jonathan Pertree/Pertwee? I see what you did there.
This sounds just about what I'd expect it to be like.
UFO'S ARE REAL, IT'S THE GOVERNMENT THAT DOEST'T EXIST.
I wanna see this extend to other realities more
Pretty good!
holy sweet mother of I don'tknowwhat, but that's scary
Aside from the obvious IQ dump the human population would have to have gone under to make this believable it is still somewhat amusing.
I find this VERY intriguing. Continue.
One word: duck...you figure it out...
It's a bit unfortunate that this is complete, but for what it was, I thought it was great.
Interesting concept. It brings to mind something I read a while back, where Lauren Faust was a reality-jumper of sorts who traveled through various animated worlds and had the likes of Goku and Bugs Bunny as allies. This story has a bit more of a chill to the spine about it, though, and might just be a little more accurate in depicting United States policy (and corporate exploitation) than I'd like.
I certainly wouldn't mind reading a more expansive take on this concept.
BRONIES, PEGASISTERS, RISE IN REVOLUTION AND FREE THE PONIES!
The premise you've laid out here is very interesting. I look forward to reading more.
I'd love to see the political and societal evolution of this issue. The entire world debating the technical terms of what 'fictional' means or what's 'real'. People writing music and creating their own fictional stories representing their views on the issue, eventually leading to worlds of their own that their respective creators don't know what to do with. You can be sure that people all over the internet will work for the rights of their beloved icons, especially people like those who support The Pirate Bay or maybe even Anonymous.
Jesus, how will Japan handle their shit? Especially Gainax? That Dai-Gurren-Dan don't take too kindly to having their rights restrained.
I wonder if Pertree would have the balls to tell that to Cthulhu or Pennywise.
On a scale of 1 to Intriguing, this scores a solid "this is so chilling that I'm glad it's not real". Just like Celestia.
A very interesting idea. I liked that Pertree (very clever) said that he was more real than Celestia, because it opens up the idea of fictions within fictions and the relative strength/stability of fictional realities. Very, very fun to think about.
just this:
While many eyes easily roll over this and fill in the all too familiar blanks here, there are indeed blanks here. You need "in" before "a galaxy and I think you want "it" before "was still under a travel advisory"
Dibs on rainbow dash.... lol....
I'm all for having a pet talking pony...
3986960
So, do you condone slavery of sapient beings?
The implications for metafiction are alarming. The protagonists of Princess Tutu outwitted and defeated their in-universe author and creator--they could be just as big a threat to their creators in this universe. (And even if it's impossible for fictional beings to harm nonfictional ones, I know a certain show whose protagonists regularly go beyond the impossible.)
I'd be interested in seeing a long serious take on this subject, but the only good way to elongate a comedic one would be to throw in as much social satire as the story could possibly handle. Satire doesn't seem to be the goal here, so I'm happy with this at its current length.
3986944 No, the phrasing is grammatically correct as written. It happened a long time ago, so the galaxy far far away is under a travel advisory. Your phrasing technically works too (it happened a long time ago in a galaxy far far away, so that galaxy is under a travel advisory), but it's clunky and doesn't work as well.
Cue the inception music.
Originally came here from the Descartes reference, which I'm surprised no one has seemed to point out yet
, but read it and thought it was pretty good! 
3986992 Only ponies. They are too adorable for their own sakes.
3985891
Screw that, I want to see the ponies enslaved just for the sake of seeing all the brony rage.
Unfortunately for the US government, along with you, me, and the rest of us, we're all human fanfic written by Lyra.
3988082 ... Thank you for causing me that small existential crisis.
An intriguing, yet highly chilling story. This would no doubt bring many to fight for the right for the freedom of "fictional" beings. If our own universe is a simulation, I don't think it makes any of us much less real.
The ability of these "fictional" universes to affect that the one that created them intrigues me further. Is Celestia really completely powerless in all this? What about the abilities of other sub-universes? I can only think of one universe off the top of my head that has delved into this sort of thing, and their reaction was not pleasant.
3988082 lol
This was an interesting read and I want MOREEE!!!!!!.
I would like to see a sequel or another like this it is a very interesting idea.
3988275 Glad to be of service! After all, you don't really appreciate your existence until you've gone existential.
And this is why little to no HIE stories involve the government
3988082
Holy shit
No wonder I fap so much then.
3987534 There will be rage. IF THEY SO MUCH AS TOUCH ONE HAIR ON DASHIE'S HEAD, CELESTIA HELP ME...
Just got a saddening image of Fluttershy locked in a cage and being sold..
3989119 I'll take her! Right after I get Rainbow Dash and break her in....
3989103
I will shave her and touch her butt against her will.
Superman, Artemis Fowl, Ozymandias, and Leonidas...
ATTACK!
Rod Spurring:
Submitted for your approval: A government bureaucrat whose function is to administer over those most ethereal of man's creations; his fantasies. He's average in most respects, the sort of man who finds neither regret nor solace in his job, but does it all the same because it pays. This port of call takes him to meet a Princess, a ruler totally unaware that she and her subjects have been living in... The Sparkle Zone.
3989257 let's keep this PG
3989569
What are you, two? Is the word "butt" too hardcore for you? Seriously, a world where the word "butt" is anything but PG is a world where we should just put helmets on the heads of our children and wrap their limbs in bubble wrap. Make sure to put their food in a blender so they can eat it with a spoon, because forks are too dangerous.
Most intriguing. I've always believed that Multiverse Theory is as likely as it isn't, so it's nice to see that being exploited.
Something tells me that after a few decades, there'd be enough people arguing that beings from formerly fictional realities deserve equal rights. It's just the way things go.
I like this! Another!
3989569 Prepare the sex dungeon!
Dude needs to go to a solipsism seminar.
Solid writing, solid concept, Celestia's character was... mediocre, but otherwise a fun, interesting read.
Also how could exploit it if he couldn't touch it? I mean... he's he standing on the ground, at the very least?