• Member Since 30th Jan, 2014
  • offline last seen May 13th

Magello


I'm so relieved.

T
Source

What a foolish man to come here and reach so high.

You thought to love even the sun and that she might, somehow, come to love you. As if she could ever love some sad, misshapen thing.

And you changed yourself, so utterly, so horribly. A useless, broken mockery of what she was.

And now? Now all you have are your memories.

*****

Wrote this for the Most Dangerous Game Contest.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 39 )

Well, I liked it.

Good use of repetition and first person gradual revelation storytelling.

Jesus Christ How Horrifying.

On a more serious note; Good job. I can't think of any complaints about it at the moment, other than the "Complete" tag. Heh.

This is mentally disturbing...
I like it!

Wow. You managed to fulfill all five prompts. Very nice. And it all came together a beautiful, tragic, and above all, cohesive whole.

You genius.

You utter, utter genius.

Thank you for this.

Very well written. But it seems, to me at least, that Celestia is a bit ooc. She's seen as merciful and kind, but portrayed here is a character that is heartless, and overall, cold. I mean, who destroys someone in such a way like this, and someone who was madly in love with her, and barely bats an eye about it? Not Her.

4533089 Agreed. One of the reasons I chose AU as a tag.

Truly a well written short story, Bravo I say! Bravo! :yay:

You deserve to win that contest.

Man this is depressing. Very nicely written if I do say so myself. I imagine the possibility of a follow up/sequel is rather low but I would low to see how this turns out in modern day Equestria with Luna's return. i honestly don't see this celestia as being OOC either. This is at least 1000 years before the show and I would assume the society would be more archaic so I don't think its a stretch for a ruler to be cold, and harsh and then to evolve into what we know today. Its all conjecture at that point. In any case, Well done on the fic, and I wish you the best in the contest

And for some reason, almost everyone who commented received a downvote on their comment... Anyways, I liked it.

You took all the prompts and ran with them and I can't believe what you came up with. I don't think anything else in the contest is going to top this one. :eeyup:

God-fucking-damn, man. This was amazing. This is one of the best stories I've read in a long time, and I HATE tragedies!

I love it! But GOD DAMN CELESTIA WAS A TOTAL BITCH. When she said "another failure" I fucking lost it. I would say make another, but you wouldn't be able to top this. Mustache for you sir. :moustache:

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

That was excellent. I think this is the first time I've seen 2nd person used well. Hopefully, given this contest, it won't be the last!

My only thought is I was under the impression 'you' were being turned into Discord in the middle. Once I realized I was mistaken, I just sort of used Sombra as a stand-in, but I guess the character was original? ...Oh, and you used all five prompts, didn't you?

I liked it! IT was horrible and made me weep inside but I think that was what you were going for so well done.

That was amazing.

A lot of telling, but man is it well done.

4609342
I have to second thinking for a while in there that the twist was going to be he was Discord, and it was dark because he had been turned to stone and was cursing himself.

Turns out I was wrong.

Still, it was a solid story, and probably is going to be the only good one that used all five prompts, which was quite the achievement; Horse Voice only went for four.

And best of all, it was short and still well-paced despite fitting so much into it.

Swing and a miss. I couldn't get any traction with the second-person PoV and the fact that the 'you' came across as a complete moron.

It's certainly not anything I could classify as either a romance or a tragedy. He's an idiot, Celestia's a bitch, and it didn't evoke sadness either.

Not that there is absolutely anything wrong with the writing, either technically or stylistically, and I totally appreciate what you were trying to do. So top marks for effort, but... too hollow for my tastes.

4686636 For once I'm with Scott, this entry in the contest didn't really do much for me.

I think my main issue was Celestia. I know the AU tag is there to explain her being so out of character compared to canon, but she still needs to make sense as a character of her own. And the Elements of Harmony as something that produces monsters out of men, and are being wielded by a pair of mares willing to knowingly sacrifice innocents to said hellish existence? That only makes sense if we're so far AU that words have different meanings.

Very good story. Have a like!

Congrats on making the final round! You definitely deserved it.

Wow, this is so very sad. But, it was also a very good story... Man the voting for this contest is going to be very hard.

Technically very good, but I find the princesses way OOC. There was no suspension of disbelief, so it left me pretty unaffected, except for the fact that you covered ALL the prompts. That was impressive!

I didn't catch the AU tag, so my perception is probably a bit skewed. That said, I don't think Celestia's character was developed well enough to merit the vast disjoint between what we know of her and how this story portrayed her, even considering the AU tag.

I did find the narrative to be quite engaging, though. Especially seeing how you incorporated all the prompts and the rather short length of this story.

This was quite interesting, even though it didn't manage to make me feel anything; I guess the way the second person narrative was used, by evoking the character/reader's memories through an external narrator from start to finish, caused me to disconnect from the character rather than bond to him.

While I don't think it technically fulfilled all the prompts — the fall in love prompt was supposed to be mutual and romantic, while I'm not sure the OC's attempt at carving a new element would count — it still clearly fulfilled three prompts (and the alicorn was even red and black, for extra points :raritywink:) while toying with the concept of the other two; doing this in less than 3K words, and still having an enjoyable story, is nothing short of impressive.

(Interestingly, the way one of the prompts wasn't fulfilled actually made me enjoy this story quite a bit more than I would otherwise. I started reading it expecting this story to be my least favorite among the finalists, but the way the prompt was subverted landed it a couple places above.)

4741942 Think you're the first person to notice the color palette.

4743029
Well, I have a tendency to dislike stories tagged [Tragedy], [Romance], or [Dark] when together with a Teen or higher rating and Gore, so I started reading your story fully expecting to dislike it. Which means that, to be (at least a bit) fair in how I judged it, I paid extra attention to the elements of the story apart from the plot — characterization, the mental images it invoked, and so on — in order to have something more substantial to balance out my personal preferences.

(Though, of course, this story beat my expectations by being far more enjoyable than I expected, despite how its specific usage of the second person point of view threw me off :twilightsmile:)

Hey, I wrote a review for this story. It can be found here.

Overall, I liked how you used the themes, the darker aspects, and his devotion to Celestia, but this story really needs some more polish to shine. Particularly, the editing issues affected the pacing, and really brought down the whole thing.

Yip

Other than the occasional editing problem, which I didn't find was all that frequent, this was phenomenal. Poetic. To the point.

Took me way too long to read this, and that's all I really have to say here. Hard to make a review out of a story like this. B+.

Strong voice. Somehow did six tags justice in 3k words. Well done. Have a ribbon:
i.imgur.com/6MrWqNZ.png

Wow. Okay... that was pretty amazing. And mad. And magnificent.

I spotted a few "its"/"it's" errors you might want to fix, though :trixieshiftright:
> You basked in it’s warmth
> stared into it’s depths.

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

Hello, good sir, I did you a thing.

PresentPerfect's reading brought me here. I thought you did a terrific job with this story, prompts or no prompts.

Keep up the good work!

Greetings, Magello! Here begins the review you requested from WRITE.

First impression: that's an awful lot of tags. We'll see if the story lives up to them all, but the combination of human, romance, and second-person narration leaves me unsurprised at the vote ratio, though I suspect it deserves better. We'll see!

The obvious issue with a second-person narrator is keeping him relatable, since you're telling me what I think by design, which is a big no-no in standard writing. You're never going to connect with as many readers as you can with a different voice; even if you keep the responses generic and reasonable enough that it'd apply to most of them, you never get everyone, and to the rest, it can feel vague. Plus the flowery language is something not many readers can identify with. So it's often a case of "damned if you do and damned if you don't."

and when your insipid pleading garnered you naught

This needs a comma after the dependent clause.

It doesn’t matter, what “here” means.

There's no grammatical reason to have a comma there.

wild flowers

That's one word.

the perfect image of what your world should have been but never was but in Eden

This phrasing is tripping me up. I don't get the "but in Eden." It doesn't parse well, and it feels odd coming so soon after another "but" which makes it feel like a double negative.

telling embellished tales of great bravado and impressive feats to woo this majestic mare

Okay, you're losing me with the "don't tell the reader what to think" thing. I'm now supposed to be relating experiences to Celestia, but I don't know what they are or how much embellishment I'm supposed to be adding. I'm also instantly in love with her, though I'm not given much as to why. I'm startled by her appearance, of course, but somehow not because she's a talking magic horse, just that she has an impressive appearance.

You basked in it’s warmth

I'll only mark this once, as I bet it will be a persistent problem, but you've confused "its" with "it's." Possessive pronouns never have apostrophes. If you're indicating such possession, don't use one. "It's" expands to "it is" or "it has."

all encompassing

Hyphenate.

As you dismounted, they seemed to recover from their shock and came forward to greet their princesses

You just used "seem" in the last sentence, and it's a weak verb at that. There are times it's fine, but here, it does nothing to set the scene. What about their behavior makes them "seem" like this?

She seemed to love nothing more than to while away the hours in idle conversation with you, speaking of nothing of any true importance.

More of this "seeming," and it's hard to relate to Celestia's behavior here, since I have no basis to know why she'd have such personal interest.

One day, in the courtyard, you finally confessed your love.

I'm barely a page in, and now I'm supposedly doing this? It might be a tough sell in any case, but this is rapid pacing.

stil

Typo.

She fetched her sister and the three of you went to the tallest tower of the castle.

Needs a comma between the clauses.

rising the wildly growing, black mane

Some phrasing is off here. First, it appears you're using a direct object for the verb here, so you need "raise." But it sounds like the horn is raising his mane, which is... odd.

It seemed, then,

This feels repetitive, since you just had a parenthetical "then" two sentences ago.

you laid crippled

A common mistake, since "lay" and "lie" have similar conjugations: lay/laid/laid, lie/lay/lain. You need "lay" for the past tense here, since you have no direct object.

the years slowly edge past. You no longer remember

There's a slip into present tense here, and since it's a transition point in the plot, I wondered if it was intentional, but after this, you go back to past tense.

long, long

Structurally, this feels repetitive with the very recent "there, there."

You pulled yourself to the window, and fell from that tall, tall tower.

You don't need that first comma, as it's all one clause, and there's that same structural repetition again.

You held it aloft and your magic twisted it as much as you had been torn and remade.

A comma is needed to separate the clauses again. this is a recurring thing.

serried

If you're going to use a word that the reader is probably going to have to look up, save him the trouble and make the meaning inherent in the context. And for this one, I don't see what using the more familiar word loses.

stared into it’s depths

Its/it's again.

When she crushed the heart beneath a hoof

Comma.

blood slicked

You're using the whole phrase as a descriptor, so hyphenate it.

And she swung hooves wildly

All of these "and" phrasings are creating a forward momentum, I'll grant you, but it's getting to be a bit much.

erratic and fearful

Instead of just concluding this, show me what she does to appear this way. Let me conclude it from the evidence you present.

set skin to blacken from heat

This is a really awkward phrasing.

She lay you down in the earth

laid

scar filled

Hyphenate.

So. Like I said, it's going to be very hit or miss to connect with a reader using a second-person narrator. It's also very difficult to connect with a reader when the entire story is told through narration. That forces a distance between the reader and the events, since he doesn't get to see them himself. He only gets secondhand information about it. There's definitely a style that does this, and I can't say you've used it wrong, only that it didn't connect with me, but I can't say other readers will feel the same way.

What I will say is that I don't think you're really going to draw the reader into the character's mindset that he actually loves Celestia (unless they're pretty much there already). The whole process by which he falls in love with her is so vague, fast-paced, and unsupported that it never felt real to me. We get nothing about his life before coming to Equestria and very generic things about his time spent with Celestia that it's very hard to identify with him.

It's also going to be tough for some readers to make the immediate leap to "Celestia is a cruel and manipulative bitch." Why use Celestia here? Mainly because you want the reader to have a built-in familiarity with the character, and you want to reuse her position and circumstances in the universe. But you're not using her personality, so an OC would work just as fine. Or if you really want it to be Celestia, then why is she this way? Did something happen to change her? Is her canon personality a front, and this is how she really acts? Basically, how do we get to this Celestia from canon Celestia? It's not necessarily enough to slap an Alternate Universe tag on it just so you can make her into something she isn't. I have no concept of what this universe is, after all. I haven't seen any glimpses of it beyond the narrator's interaction with Celestia, so I have no reason to think it differs from canon Equestria.

It's definitely a very restricting set of constraints you've adopted for this story, and some of the baggage comes from that, so you've probably done pretty well with those. And, unfortunately, no matter how well you do with it, it's still going to be a very tough sell. The writing itself is well done.

Keep writing and have fun with it!
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Pascoite, WRITE's mineral

Okay, you get a like purely for taking that many iffy premises and making a readable story out of them!

Would it be insane of me to ask if there was a sequel?

I gotta say:
THAT WAS SO AWESOME!!!
I couldn't help loving and hating and pitying the MC. You have an amazing gift.

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