• Member Since 27th Apr, 2013
  • offline last seen Last Monday

Dustin Lange


The smallest changes can make the biggest difference.

E

The ponies of Equestria have feared Princess Luna ever since her return from exile, something Twilight hopes to change with the help of her friends.

Chapters (2)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 29 )

A little rough grammatically, but very promising! Please, do continue.

3934570
Thank you for the boost of morale, I was worred people wouldn't like it, or even give it a chance like my last one. Witch by the way, isn't a story I put all of my effort in to, I just needed to remember an idea I had.:twilightblush:

3934591 Damn your avatar could it be any more sexy?

Nice story so far. That being said, I found some things you may want to edit.

"Every other pony caches one glimpse of me or my guard, turns tail, and runs!"

I'm pretty sure that should be, "catches".

As twilight asked her this, Rose took a nervous glance around the door, only to see Luna standing there, looking a little sad.

And that should be capitalized. I really look forward to seeing more.

3972481
Thank you for pointing those out to me, I will fix those once I can use a computer and not just a nook.

What did you think of the dialogue and the descriptions? I've been told my dialogue is a little funky on some other things I've written, and that it is a little bland in the description area? (I'm looking to improve where ever I can.)

3972944 I do find the descriptions were a tiny bit on the bland side, but I'm not really one to talk, given my own writing skills. I can't really give much advice, but I can give encouragement. I hope this is of some help.

3972968
It really does help me, now I know what to work on in the new chapters! :yay:

First sentence is a run-on sentence. Change a comma to a period.

It has been almost a year and a half since she was freed, freed from all the hate and anger, jealousy and mistrust.

This sentence just doesn't work. You could put a period where that comma is and make the second part a fragmented sentence (fragmented senteces can work in narration) or forgo reduplication all together and delete the comma and second instance of freed, or even delete the second half of the sentence all together.

As she walked the streets of Ponyville from eleven in the morning, to three in the afternoon,

Murder that comma.

As Billy waked from his home to the tree, he fell.

See? Works better.

No, but I will take a rain check on that,

Contractions are your friend.

Twilight sat in thought for a bit, and in the background, Rose closed the blind to her house, so the thing making her scared couldn't see her, Luna only glanced her way before looking back at Twilight.

Kill all the commas.

Twilight sat in thought. Luna glanced over to Rose's house. The blinds suddenly closed. Luna looked back at Twilight.

This is how I would have wrote that part. Just an example. What I'm beginning to notice in your work is that you misuse commas a lot. Here's a challenge. Write a short 1000 word paged story or less and don't use a single one of those blighters. Go nuts. You don't need them as much as you think you do. After that just work on using them correctly. If you feel you're sentence is ever starting to use too many commas, even if you think your using them right, rework the sentence in a different way that doesn't use commas. Even if you have to make an extra sentence like this one. Or this one. And you can begin a sentence with a conjunction in narration. Fragmented, even.

Anyways that's all I have for now. Keep working on it!

3973628
I have never receved advice on my usege of commas before.
Thank, you, this, is helpfull,,,:trollestia:

I might have totally ruined the story for some, so sorry if I did. :pinkiesad2:
I noticed a few mistakes I forgot to fix after rewriting a few parts, I'll fix them in a bit.

I found some things you may want to edit.

"I see your point with that as well, we don't want to get fat, do we?" with that, they were on their way to enact Twilight's first step of the plain.

That should be "plan".

"So, what made you chose to come to Ponyvill and not a fancy place like Manhattan?"

That should be, "choose", "Ponyville" and "Manehattan".

"Its goanna take some time to get use to that." Twilight answered. "Well, there’s Sugar cube Corner, in all its fake closed glory."

That should be "It's gonna" .

"This story is not cannon with the show, Pinkie." Twilight said.
Pinkie looked confused. "What does cannon mean... and what show?"

That should be "canon".

Luna decided to fallow the sound; they led her right to a door that was slightly ajar.

That should be "follow".

"Yes, Pinkie will talk to all of the foals in Ponyvill that were with her on Nightmare night, and, if she can, she will talk to some of the other ponies that are more our... well, Pinkie and I's age... that will make things a lot easier for us."

That should be "Ponyville".

Luna was shocked that Twilight would eat meet, then she realized that it was just made to look like there were organs in it. She felt dumb for not realizing that in the first place.

That should be "meat". This one part confused me.

"Luna, where are you?" Twilight asked.
"Down here." she responded.
"What are you doing down there?"

There wasn't anything to indicate a change in elevation, shouldn't it be "Over here." and "What are you doing over there?" Also, how was the door locked? I can only think of three ways that could happen, Twilight enchanted the door, Sugarcube Corner has those "Lock You Inside" doors that Phelous hates, or Luna doesn't how to operate a deadbolt.

4052889
:twilightblush: I really need to get my friend to actually look at this for me. He has been so lazy!
And if you could next time, send the errors in a PM please.

Semicolons exist, and their usage may benefit your story. :coolphoto:

Now then, that aside, it's an interesting start, though I presume this was written prior to the Nightmare Night episode.

Luna switching in and out of her archaic speech might need just a sentence of commentary, like "she had been getting used to the modern tongue, but traces of the old crept out every now and again", or a consistent usage of dialects.

"What happened before?" Luna asked, sounding a little interested.

"You don't want to know."

On the contrary, Luna does want to know, and I think Twilight would need to come up with a much better excuse to get Luna to drop the subject and return to her lamentations. I mean, Luna is kind of drowning, and listening to an interesting experience one of her only friends had would probably do her more good than harm anyways. Plus, it might adequately prepare Luna for the madness that is Pinkie Pie.

Twilight wondered why every pony in town ran and hid from her...

I think by this point Twilight could piece a few things together. Other than the Nightmare Moon thing, that aside, the whole thunder cackling when Luna earlier spoke probably could be flagged as a reason other ponies would be scared bloodless of the princess. But you know, maybe I'm biased seeing this from 3rd person.

Since it's a plot driving point, then I guess it can be overlooked, as assuming that Twilight pieces together the obvious is like assuming I"ll get some common sense IRL. It is up for interpretation.

The main thing with this chapter is that Luna and Twilight felt a tad out of character.

Twilight breaking the fourth wall... And that explanation (I guess) of where this story sits with the canon. Well, I did not expect it, but maybe that was for the better.

And Twilight wanting to prank Princess Luna back? That is quite out of character, considering that Luna would probably be more worried about Twilight's safety than her own well-being in the dark of all places. I'm not saying Luna would not be a little unnerved or put off by the scenery, but if she lived in a medieval age, I have little doubt that she had seen worse.

And I am not so sure Luna would let her friend remain blissfully unaware of the horror show upstairs. After all, Pinkie and Twilight live in the same town after all. And I am not so sure that you can label only a single chapter "gore" and not put it as a tag. You probably already did that, but you could note in the long description or the chapter title "gore specific chapter" or something to that extent.

Interesting story, it would be nice to see where it goes from here.

4109002
I intentionally wrote them out of character for this story.
Luna's change in dialect is due to me not being use to writing like that.:twilightblush: I didn't even notice that.
Thank you again!

4109543

NP. Intentionally writing them out of character. Well, since you have done that, it is expected that you stick with it, more or less, throughout the story.

4109543 Hmmmm I think writing them within character first would serve you better. Afterwards then you may 'deconstruct' and 'analyze'. For most people they find it to jarring when you start ocm from the get go.

4151635
Yah, that is one thing I had in mind when starting this.
But I only write for fun, so it doesn't matter to me if my story only gets one view. But I am verry happy knowing that more than one person enjoys what I write!

Ok, I have noticed some errors here and there, but with some editing, and maybe bouncing ideas around with someone, this story could easily be polished up into something excellent.

I do love the premise of it, and I would really like to see it continued.:twilightsmile:

4505828
I was actually going to write the ideas for one-shots that I have, then come back and re-write this one.
I mean just look a Vinyl's Night Out! I feel that one is written much better then this story and it is almost right after I wrote this one. I have no clue how that works, but it did.:rainbowlaugh:

4509439 Hey, you have a plan, and that is a good thing. Keep writing. I shall be watching for these oneshots. They make for excellent reading material when I am on the road.

Poor Luna! There were a few grammar mistakes, but this a very entertaining story. I can't wait to see where you go with it. :3

5286031
Yeah, I still haven't gone through this and fixed the mistakes in this story.

I need to start writing more often. :twilightblush:

5286116 Simply getting to write creatively and get feedback on it feels great, doesn't it? ^_^ Your work is excellent.

5316023
It really is! And thanks!

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!