Off topic

Cheerilee askes sweetie belle a simple question so she gives a simple answer. Apparently her story is a bit taboo for a class full of fillies and colts. One shouldn't be talking about what her sister gets up to with her stallion friend, or is Cheerilee just thinking about things wrong.

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Comments ( 12 )

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Kaijutsu

Kaijutsu #1 · Jan 27th, 2014 · 2 · ·

Needs improvement. You did a lot of telling instead of showing, and the dialogue came off as forced in places, but, overall, a decent bait and switch one-shot. Keep practising!

Silver Melodies

Silver Melodies #2 · Jan 27th, 2014 · 2 · ·

Hmm.. this was an... interesting, story. I'm not a fan of anything like clop fiction, so I'm glad this turned out alright. Anyway, I'm not going to do a huge, in depth review about this, so let me sum it.

The story was nice, but the story line seemed a bit forced, almost like the characters didn't want to be there. The characters themselves seemed okay except for Sweetie Belle. I don't think the innocent mare would be happy about seeing her sister kissing a stallion, even if for only a play. At her age, she'd probably be more likely to be grossed out, or turned away by it. And finally, I did spot some spelling errors, but nothing to major.
All in all, good job! Keep writing!

fire_fly808

fire_fly808 #3 · Jan 27th, 2014 · 1 · ·

This wasn't going to be my next story but I was bored

fire_fly808

fire_fly808 #4 · Jan 27th, 2014 · 1 · ·

3852421 yeah me neither I was just bored and read a story like this ( of course there one was much better) so I tried writing something like this. I'm going to stick to sad stories, I just am not the best at choosing a subject and clop isint my type of story either.. Anyway have a spike

The kiss part I reckon sweetie belle might of thought kinda gross but a bit cute but if it was me I would react like Scootaloo
I'm not the best with writing but I'm glad you read it anyway

SuperPinkBrony12

SuperPinkBrony12 #5 · Jan 27th, 2014 · 1 · ·

I've seen the "It's not what you think it is" idea several times before. But this one was still pretty funny.

MidnightDancer

MidnightDancer #6 · Jan 27th, 2014 · · ·

Needs cleaning up-theres too much tell, and your punctuation needs work. Also, it appears you just rushed the ending.

This could be a good story, if those things are addressed.

Lastofakind

Lastofakind #7 · Jan 27th, 2014 · 1 · ·

Ha! This was cute. ..

I like little one shots like this

DX-1118 C

DX-1118 C #8 · Jan 27th, 2014 · 1 · 1 ·

...
Lol...
...
Wtf...

MythrilMoth

MythrilMoth #9 · Jan 27th, 2014 · · ·

I could not even finish reading this for all the punctuation errors, lazy grammar, and the sense that you honestly didn't care enough about what you were writing to bother actually writing a story.

Flutterpony