After Returning from her millenium exile, Princess Luna finds that she isn't exactly familiar with all the recent changes in equestria. Through Celestia's suggestions, Luna returns to her days as a Filly in order to attend the school in Ponyville. However, school wasn't quite as she remembered, especially without all the perks of being royalty.
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Good so far, but start a new paragraph when the person who is speaking changes.
Wow this is going to be good but I would recommend starting a new paragraph when someone else starts talking
ok, terrific concept, but a couple of things.
Whenever there is a new speaker, you start a new paragraph. This is the most important thing i'm going to say. It's expected that you do so, and it makes the story sooooo much easier to read.
The action seems very rushed, especially towards the beginning. I mean, you established the premise as quickly as possible. I think that you missed an opportunity for character building, and potential humor. I would recommend adding a couple thousand words to each chapter you have so far, dwell on what is happening, and the character's thoughts.
I noticed a few grammar mistakes.
And a brief comment on Luna- i've never seen her portrayed as a grumpy gamer before. Except for that one fan video ( you guys know what I'm talking about, right?)
Ok, I will do that for future chapters. This is only my second fanfic, so I'm still get used to it. Thanks for the advice!
Not bad! I'll keep reading ^^
I really like the idea of this fic. It's creative, but the writing style is a little rough around the edges.
You need to make sure to indent when a new character speaks!
Also, I'm not sure if you did this on purpose or not, but when you try to talk to the audience in a story, it sounds sloppy if poorly used. Like when you said "I mean really," it threw me off for a minute.
Anyways, I'm not trying to insult you or anything, but I just want to be helpful!
Very clever fic idea, I'll be watching it.
@systemfail actually, I feel quite the opposite. Since this is one of my first fanfics, confronting critisi helps me for future chapters and even other stories.
Btw, updated chapter one thanks to @halo003qd thank you so much!
both chapters revised and edited. Hopefully it's now an easier read. Thank you all for the advice.
The idea of the fan-fic is pretty good, I'm all into these type of Age Regression stories (Mental or Physical), mostly a dawwable things can happen with things like this.
Although there are a few slight problem/nitpick's that get me with this story.
It's a little rushed? Don't you think? I know it's a first fanfic and there is bound to be some mistakes, but I'm saying for future chapters is to slow down the story a little, mainly the pacing, and create a conversation that could last for a while, describe surroundings and how the characters feel so that we are pulled in more to what is going on in the story. Maybe express Luna's emotions during her new fillyhood to show what a hard time she is having.
The first chapter just dives straight into the transformation, we get Luna for a second being angry, then all of a sudden Celestia pops in to tell Luna that she is going to be a filly again without any time to see or understand Celestia's motives or evidence to why Luna should become a filly. But the reason of her being years behind on social and technological studies I guess is a reason in itself, build up the conversations and we can get more drawn into it.
I'd also say that you could try and extend the chapters a little to 2,500 to 3,500 words, making them longer means more story and more for the reader to enjoy, but it doe take a lot of time and hard work to make a long chapter, but the pay-off is really good.
It's just a couple of suggestions for the story, but I do feel that as long as you keep on trying, you'll get better.
- Glitch.
777652
Thank you for the advice. On looking back, I also should have simply made this one chapter. In the future I will mak each chapter longer an more in depth. And as for the pacing, it will definitely be slowed down from here on out. Thanks again!
777426 Yes, we know. We know.
oohhhhh
So she's not gonna speak like 'thou', 'nay', 'tis', or any of those words I kinda like it.
I DEMAND I SIDE STORY OF WHAT SPIKE IS DOING!
or...even better...random updates throughout the story
or you could just ignore me and write it the way you want
Actually that last one is probably the beat choice
awesome so far keep up the good work
788602
Oh don't worry, I have plans for Spike.
Wait until you get to see PP.
and then she gets a taste of Twist's "thuper delithouth peppermint thticks!"
"They'll make her thmile!"
Your spellcheck accepts "lol" as a word, and therefore I hate it. Also, reread your work. You called Cheerilee Cherokee at one point.
"You really shouldn't encourage him lol that."
What? What are you trying to say?
DAMN YOU SPELL CHECK!!!!! Thanks, I write my stories from my iPhone since I don't exactly have a computer. I'll fix those asap.
789199
You write from ur iphone? I have a new respect 4 you ( i tried that for about a paragraph and then went back to my mom's computer . . .)
Love the story! Please write more soon!
well I don't know if you can do this on your phone but when someone is thinking don't put quotations, put the thought words in italics
Did I miss the part where they removed lunas horn or wings?
Or does she still have both?
On the other hand its a really nice story so far keep up the awesome work :D
I'm scared to find out what Spike is doing.
This story has the potential to be quite awesome
Update soon!
A very good chapter, I'd like to see what happens next. But I do feel that some of the chapters could be longer and the pacing of the story could be slowed down for a little more detail in what is going on.
Also, Pac-Mare? Don't forget Iron Neighdon while you're at it.
Thank you. Hopefully my writing continues to improve with each chapter added.
Wait did she just tell the CMC that her sister was princess Celestia and is she still an alicorn because that would be a dead giveaway to me
No, she almost told the CMC, but caught herself. And as for the alicorn, yeah, that's why she was surprised no one else had figured out that she was Luna.
Seriously, what the hell is Spike doing?
810589
LAWL
i like it brony! keep up the good work!
Correction, you should have written "Hooves" instead of Hands.
did you call Luna a 'he' "Luna had never been the 'party type' because she always found herself in awkward situations during the parties he attended."
LULZZ
876724
Did I? I'll fix that asap.
I apologize for the long wait on this new chapter. I had written it about a week ago, but managed to delete the whole thing somehow...
after that i couldnt get back in the writing mode. Thanks for your understanding.
I like how Rainbow Dash just bought the story about Luna being Twilight's niece. Like Shining Armor and Cadence could have made a foal, gone through pregnancy, had the foal, and have her be school age already.
Guess they don't belive her.
I feel sorry for her in a way...
Keep going
This is one GOOD story! MOAR!!!
927027 that happened 7 TIMES, i counted too... it sucks balls
927027
It's cool man, it happens to me too.
927027
i love this story but im waiting fot the next chapter good luck dude
-kon
A pair of mistyped words here and there, but other than that it's a really nice story
And I totally despise Celestia for leaving her sister out of hystory books
777419
777361
Same thoughts here. Good fic, but fix the dialog up so new speakers get new lines.
777625
Ummm ... you never say what Species she's hiding as? Unicorn, Pegasus, or is she her Alicorn self? And why'd you have her sleep in a dog basket?
This could go well, or terrible. I am intrigued to find out if this is an exception, or will follow a norm.
The ORANGE one?!
Is that really the best way you could do that?!
She probably could have said "it's private" and they wouldn't have asked her any more about it.
Pegasi