- Member Since 17th Jun, 2013
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Hopeful_Ink_Hoof
[He/Him] Just a writer who likes MLP and hopes to make a living off it: https://ko-fi.com/ink_hoof
Hopeful_Ink_Hoof
Joined 17th Jun, 2013 ·
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Only mistake I saw.
This is a very nice setup, can't wait to see the rest.
Oh boy, Luna flavored cupcakes here we come.
Ooh, that is a very good question.
Why a brief explanation?
Celestia seems to be gone, Twilight is there, and sh*t is hitting the fan.
If she wants to get the full details on what's going on / what happened, she needs to explain why she's even there in full.
IMO of course. I am still very much enjoying this story.
If Luna meets Luna, will the multiverse implode?
#endoftheworld
Jk, I'm liking this story so keep it up.
Imo, I think you should make longer chapters, but since you are releasing them at a timely pace, I have no problem with them being short.
So in this universe, Luna was still not appreciated, but never struck out.
Besides my pointing out of the obvious, I still enjoy OUR vengeful and violent Luna.
Though.. what DID this Luna for 990 years? Naps? Cosmic naps of sadness and solitude?
Have you ever considered submitting this story to Equestria Daily? You can find out how to do so here.
3804008
I am hoping to actually answer that somewhat in the story. I have an idea for it.
3806608
You are the first to recommend such a thing for any of my stories, and I appreciate the encouragement. I may do so, but not until I have completed it.
Forgot you.
And this team is awesome.
Luna also needs to tell everyone else it's voluntary, or they might think she's commanding them to help.
Things are getting interesting.
strange, veyr much so...................
i do not think luna would have to worry about being affected by discord's magic. if you think about it, discord had to use the plunder seeds on her and celestia. i say had to because it seems the seeds were something seperate from himself and they were meant to steal the tree's power. it also seems unlikely he would rely on anything but his own power unless his hand was forced; far too proud.
There were a lot of spelling errors and you called Moon Shadow "Moon Shine" numerous times, but still this was interesting. Are you planning on writing more?
3868832
If you could give me specific errors, I'd appreciate it. I can only find case of calling Moon Shine, which I fixed, and no spelling errors.
As for continuing, yes. The idea is she is stuck here for about a week, and she is only about halfway through it, give or take. As such, she still has a few days ahead of her.
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Let's see... for chapter one, I found how it doesn't feel extremely rushed admirable. Both Luna and Discord were in character and the conversation felt pretty natural. There weren't nearly as many typos as in the following chapters as well. I don't feel the need to point out the one or two I did see because a missing space or comma occasionally isn't uncommon. Every story has that.
Now for chapter two I observed the following, in order of appearance:
There were chucks of rubble and holes in the wall... "Chucks" should be "chunks."
...cold ball in the pit of her stomach as stood there. "As stood there" should be "as she stood there."
She felt her mouth go cold and a shiver travel down her spine. Not really a spelling error, but "she felt her mouth go cold" just made me think, What? Terror doesn't usually make one's mouth go cold. "She gasped in horror" or "her jaw hung slack in horror" would be less... strange.
There were drones moving back and forth in the room, walking and flying among cocoons and other of the sickly green constructs of a hive. Again, not a spelling error, but it was clunky and felt weird when I read "...and other of the sickly green constructs of the hive." What does that mean? Try "walking and flying among cocoons and the sickly green constructs of a hive," taking out the "other of the" bit. And another tiny nitpick. Something like "flittering about" sounds more changeling-esque than "back and forth in" for the first part of that sentence.
There was a faint buzz, causing the changeling to look away. Whatever it was got the creature's attention and making it return to whatever it was doing. First, "and making it return to whatever it was doing" should be "and caused it to return to whatever it was doing" for the sake of fluidity.
Second, what was that slight commotion? A description would be very nice, like a pony striking out against the confines of their cocoon, or a pony socking a changeling in the jaw as it tried to put them in a cocoon.
And I know if I was Luna and saw changelings in the throne room, I'd feel worry for the location of my sister, and bitterness towards myself for not being there for my kingdom the first time changelings invaded. Then, not thinking clearly through regret and anger, I'd most likely attempt to free as many ponies as possible via silent infiltration of the throne room or a head-on commotion of an attack.
I wouldn't just say, "Oh, how sad, an enemy attack that I slept through last time has captured dozens of my subjects and most likely my sister, too. I'm going to get out of here without even trying to help, in order to save myself."
Actually, that could be how Luna meets Pip and Octavia. Octi could be the pony striking out in an attempt to save Pip or something. Then they'd follow Luna with a few other ponies who were saved to one of the mentioned secret exits from the castle, maybe a battle scene for added epicness.
After a quick peak to make sure no changelings were around... "A quick peak" should be "a quick peek."
And then something else was a tad annoying; the sad, regretful thoughts Luna has as she's going through the kitchen. I can understand her missing the warmth of a once thriving, bustling place turned desolate, but she didn't give a buck about her captured subjects being drained potentially to death... and yet the lack of tasty smells and cooks in her kitchen has her down? Luna's priorities aren't quite straight if baked goods and a warm kitchen rank above the safety of her sister and her subjects.
Reaching the back door, Luna pulled it open and peaked inside. Again, "peaked" instead of "peeked," and if she's looking out into a courtyard/garden, she's looking not looking "inside."
And... that's every typo and weird mistake I can spot for chapter two. Now in case the stuff I've said has got you thinking I don't like this story or your writing, you've got me wrong. The premise is interesting, the characters are in-character and your style is great. You simply need an editor and maybe a pre-reader or two.
And that concludes quite the whopper of a FIMfiction comment. Whew! Now, for a donut...
Nightmares are fun.
This is going to be good!
Needs more Trixie.
Aww... but but Nightmare moon needs her daily dose of kills in order to stay sane.
Yes more nml (nightmare luna) and trxie
You know even though trixie and luna may not have the same relationship that twilight and celestia have but they might actually be closer. I know this might be strange but think about it, but Trixie does said that she is the second closest pony to Luna besides Celestia. Trixie even knows the kind of mare the other Luna that's more than miss "She might banish you from Equestria, or throw you in a dungeon. Or banish you and then throw you in a dungeon in the place that she banishes you to!"
Interesting ride, a couple typos here and there, nothing showstopping. Interesting take on the 'what if X changed' formula, although one that would obviously affect any story. What if the first battle/showdown/card game never happened?
You have a like, sir. Do with it what you will.
Very interesting. Luna ends up realizing that as it stands, she was more valuable to Equestria stuck on a rock for 1000 years, because then she can act as a warm-up for Twilight and Co. I guess when Discord sent Luna to a world where she had never turned into Nightmare Moon, it is because this world's Luna is basically too passive or timid to rebel like that. We see how the main Luna, and even man of the ponies in this world adapt at the end of the story, but what about this Luna? Will she continue to hang around the castle, like some sort of immortal Prince Blueblood? (I hope they someday find a cranky old hermit far away with a burned-off cutie mark of a compass rose).
There is just a minor plothole here. In canon, the elements are in the Everfree because that's were Celestia left them when she and Nightmare Moon fought. In this universe, they didn't, so the elements probably wouldn't be there.
Actually, since Celestia and Luna never fought, they wouldn't have become unattuned with the elements in the first place. I don't see why they wouldn't still have them.