- Member Since 10th Sep, 2013
- offline last seen Nov 30th, 2022
mouse222
I like stories, I like My Little Pony, this is the result.
mouse222
Joined 10th Sep, 2013 ·
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I am into this.
well that was in character nice read
At first I was like
but now I'm like 
I need more please
More please.
Oh good, another chapter. Keep up the good work.
3543483
Thanks!
This is good,
approves
I really like how you are playing Rainbow Dash. Keep up the great work!
OMG!!! RD FINALLY BEING STRAIGHT!!!
I'M SO HAPPY I'M CRYING!!!!
3576613
Yup, MacinDash is best hetro Dash ship :D
3577555 Agree.
Various parts bothered me about this chapter. Some small, some big.
Her breathing was attempting to be calmed down
typo
But she did have friends. Those friends wouldn't be the same, after all, she wanted somepony to love her.
Looks like the "but" should be at the beginning of the other sentence.
The sun was beginning to start its descent, harkening the time called evening,
Purple prose.
Too many words for "the sun was setting", which is plenty to call forth mental images of beautiful sunsets.
For a brief moment, Rainbow Dash's pupils retracted to the point of being a period in a vast white expanse called eyes.
ditto
-
What is Mac standing on? The chariot? Or are there stones regular ponies can stand on built into the cloud-house? It's a distraction that could be explained away with a passing comment in the narration at this point.
two portals to the soul even more than usual.
Purple again. Also so cliché it made me my eyes roll reflexively.
It's a nice comparison, but it should probably not be used outside of dialogue or personal thoughts, where you can get away with being sappy.
and clearly the mare was just as so.
typo
Considering that Macintosh had helped him out of more than just a few troubles, the middle-aged pegasus was eager to lend his service.
Who? If it's from Mac's perspective it'd be weird if he just referred to his acquaintance as "the middle-aged pegasus", and if it's omniscient narration, just throw out a name, we'll forget it soon enough.
enclosed in a close embrace.
Enclosed by what? You can't be enclosed in something, that's the same as just being in... whatever it is.
Somewhere around this point in my first read-through the clichés had piled up enough that I was irritated by them instead of letting them slide.
Mac suddenly revealing his eloquent side is just... How was this aspect needed for the story? He talks like something out of a stereotypical romance novel, which not only hurts immersion, it has the unfortunate implication that him being as he usually is, isn't good. It wasn't foreshadowed, either.
The front door was shaded by olive trees, so they must have traveled some ways south
Didn't Mac say they were going somewhere just outside Ponyville?
They were quite just as surprised
typo
The waiter arrived to take their orders, which occurred after some miscommunication between Dash and the unicorn.
Wait, what happened? That sounds like a scene worth having in a date story, getting embarrassed by messing up, but then (presumably) reassured.
"I hope you didn't get something too fancy."
What?! You're sitting across the table from him, how could you possibly have missed what he said when ordering? If he had pre-ordered, then there wouldn't be a waiter in the first place!
Rainbow Dash was feeling passion.
I would've expected intimidation, given the implied lack of experience on her part, but alright.
"I am not always so extroverted around others."
...Extraversion is when you enjoy being around a lot of people, not just when you're able to talk to someone. But eh, characters can be mistaken about things.
-
The bit where they talk about how many they've slept with seems a little strange. "Only 4 others", "just a dozen"... while not unrealistic numbers, they seem incongruous with both the show and the stereotypical sappiness so far. But more than that it's them giving numbers at all, I think - if they were drunk enough to talk that freely they'd probably have trouble talking altogether. Or standing.
"I've been thinking the exact same thing!"
That whole sequence is another eye-roller. Too good to be true, like something out of a story...
Given Mac's experience, I'd expect him to be standoffish but open to the idea. "Let's see if it works out first", sort of thing.
Overall, I'm most unhappy about Mac transforming into a different person. There's almost no worrying about the future, as if it's a given that they'll work together.
3578582
Thanks for the free proofreading, I'll go back over the chapter and fix up some things that you pointed out.
On a side note, I never new what "purple prose" was until today.
3577555 I was also planning to make a fanfic like this but it's a different pairing. Still working out a title, though.
3581653
Awesoem
Hmm, a few mistakes here and there, but nothing too bad. This bit though
Is she now flying, or had she taken some time off? She also goes from hiding to being on her bed. That's all I got for this one.
Not the best reason to go on a date with a mare that has a crush on you, Mac.
But... you must see something in her if you said yes.
either you meant hearts, or Mac just lost his stallionhood!
Very interesting side you have to him here, a proper gentlecolt. So, clop next, eh? Well, you know where to come if you need any advice.
That was pretty good. As you can see, Corwin is a pretty damn good editor, and good for giving better words out.
Can't wait for the morning after. And then when AJ finds out...
3728457
Shhhh! Don't spoil my perfectly planned surprise!
And thanks for referring Corwin! He's been a tremendous help!
Oh dear, looks like Sweet Apple Acres will need a new work pony, and Equestria will need a new Element of Loyalty.
why not the threesome? that was a fantastic idea!
Awesome
Didn't you have a cover image before?
4247629
No, I haven't found any that will convey what I'm going for. If you have any suggestions, I'm completely for that!
4249627
Well my dA is full of some MacinDash images, but if you're stuck I can try to make one for you ^^
Applejack...
mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw1067_medium.jpg
4268825
Hopefully not... Though, I think Rainbow already laid her out pretty well.
Daym that temper
and
I was thinking of relating Cadence into fics, I mean she does bring ponies that truly love each other together so 
That was a nice touch! please update soon!
awesome story and damn the feels
I was like
lol but anyway plz tell me when the next chapter is gona be out
4671571
Your prayers have been answered!
Maybe.
Cadance took on
talking about colts and
Well, I thought that's where we were heading. I couldn't find one for Dash, even though I know it exists somewhere, but you get the idea.
ih3.redbubble.net/image.15631082.0705/fc,550x550,cranberry.jpg
4749776
Thanks for pointing those out.
Everypony is gay? True dat.
Big is gonna feel so conflicted, I mean his sister loves dash, dash loves him, and he may possibly love them both
Um... why are we suddenly in first person?
4751897
Does citing artistic liberty count? Because I know that the first three chapters weren't in first-person, so it wouldn't make a lot of sense to switch to first-person so suddenly.
But I have a reason.
The fourth chapter is (so far) the only one with any sex described within the actual story, so I wanted to make the whole scene play out from Rainbow Dash's point of view because she is the focus of the story.
Could this have been done in third-person? Yes, but I was trying to create a new viewpoint for this scene. A new perspective. Also, I wanted to write a first-person sex scene.
YES!!!! A threesome! Finally! Please let it be a threesome between the Apple's sibblings and RD!!!
