Everyone knows the age before Celestia and Luna. Discord reigned, but what about before Discord? Does anyone know what happened before Discord reigned? Sure, there are a bunch of theories and assumptions, but no one truly knows. I'd be willing to bet that the royal sisters had something to do with it too...
Way back in the day, four types of ponies stood in an unspoken hierarchy. The alicorns, the unicorns, the pegasi, and the earth ponies. The hierarchy existed, but so did the roles of each. Everypony was happy, until their leader was cast off by ancient magic and without the leader, the clans fell apart into chaos. Event after event leads up to the current situation today, where mostly everypony is happy once again... Until HE returns.
"One Hundred-thousand will the moons go around, before the red moon rises, ready to sound. Once the chains break and the spell is broken, the time will come when the power is woken."
Wow, so many mistakes so soon.
I'm going to say this right now: 1st person constant switching between two protagonists who aren't very distinctive is confusing to the point where I couldn't tell you who each was about. Change this to 3rd person limited if you want to do this. First person is too confusing.
Also, why is this being rebooted?
4880250 sorry they aren't too distinct. But then again it's only the first chapter (probably my only defense)
It's being rebooted for a few reasons, primary among those include inconsistent fluency and transition.
4880292
If it's confusing why are you doing first person instead of 3rd person limited. You do realize that with the current style, every break is going to be dreaded rather than appreciated as they try to figure out who's speaking and what's going on in the current design structure? What advantage are you seeking from first person that isn't available from 3rd limited? I also want you to think of successful first person stories and think about how they are designed and why. First person should almost always be done with only one narrator. There are very few exceptions for many reasons including how confusing it gets from seeing so much I without a name to connect that I to.
4880344 I thought they'd be separated more via pargraph lines, but it seems I'll have to point it out woth a big name of whoever is in first person.
Just wait, separate first person perspectives won't be as pften as they were in this chapter. It'll be to the point where 2 fp swaps is seen.
4880362
I'll ask again, why are you doing this story in first person? What gains are you getting from the first person perspective that would not be available from the 3rd person? If you are gaining nothing but losing a portion of your audience, why do it?
4880375 in first person, thoughts and ideas from the author are more easily understood. First is easier than third for me. Simple as that. Even If I do lose audience, I'm still gaining knowledge via experience. This isn't going to be my only story. It's rare for a person to hit the nail on the head anyways, which is why I look forward to anyone commenting, even if they are less than pleasing.
4880375 would you recommend me redo the chapter once more?
4880438
Probably. I found the beginning confusing as it took me more than a little bit to realize you were going to be changing perspectives. So, I read the first section and then had the break that took me a minute to realize I was seeing different character's perspectives rather than the traditional usage of a time jump from a but like that. You then did the time jump and, because the rules wouldn't have been established yet as I'm just reading it, I wasn't sure who was speaking. The lack of names to associate who is who very early in the chapter, don't help either. All I have are "person 1" and "I think this is person 2."
Then again, take all this with a grain of salt, you'll want other people's opinions as well. If you find this is a pattern, then the answer is yes. I'd also recommend you not do rapid perspective shifts. If you're going to do first person with multiple perspectives, shift perspective either every chapter or very infrequently. I've dealt with too many authors who do rapid perspective changes which detract from the story. Imagine going to an orchestra performance. Imagine going part way through a song where the orchestra suddenly stops for a minute and then starts playing a different piece, although similar to the first. Every perspective change is a stop in the song, do not do it in the middle of a piece, always do it where it feels there is a natural transition and break can be taken. Every change in scene or perspective is a long pause where the audience has to spend energy getting back into the story.
Here's another way to describe it. If you've ever gone to a live performance of a play, you'll remember the scene transitions when the lights go dark and it either marks time passing or the set being changed. Every time you change perspectives or do some type of cut like through time, imagine the scene as a play and the lights going off, 10-30 seconds going by, and the lights coming back on again. Then decide if the choice is correct.
4880487 this just so happens to be the biggest grain of salt. Thank you.
I'm a little late to the party apparently and I'm not sure where this story is going but if my gut hasn't dissapointed me this far then what's the harm in sticking by. Emo is out.
I enjoyed the first chapter of the reboot far more than I did the original and find myself eager to see the new, different, direction you take the story in this time. I'll point out any mistakes I see while reading and try to give my opinion where necessary. On the point of first person or third person Limited I agree that third person can be far easier to handle but that, as was also mentioned, first person allows the author to portray their thoughts more clearly; personally I don't mind too much either way but I will say that 3rd person is often easier for new writers to use, but if your preference is 1st person then that's your choice, this is your story and ultimately you have final say on what does and doesn't go into it, still a little guidance is often for the best.
4896510
4960014 I'm resubmitting it atm, so it might take some time again (as usual, I'd guess).
4968023
... whoops.. bare with me pleaaase..
4969498
everytime i come up with an idea, i write it down, and the good ideas are put in the story. I'm lik. 98% sure that you won't be disappointed.
4969527
lol. Was reading.
DO IT. PUT IT TO THE TEST. I CRAVE IT.
...but do it in time... x)
4969628
Heeeyyyy .. I have that picture. =D
4969720
As much fun as it's been, I need to go a massive amount of tedious cleaning...
¿Hay alguna precuela que presente a los personajes?