1 - Aw Hell
A figure on a couch stretched out his arms and yawned as loudly and deeply as he possibly could. Sniffling once. Twice. Three times, the figure shook his head violently, releasing an orchestra of pops and cracks that echoed around the apartment room briefly. The first pang of an oncoming headache beckoned an irritated sigh as the figure rested his head back down onto the pillow once more. Another one of these days? Perfect. He took a deep breath and stared at the ceiling that promptly stared back with its usual blank expression.
Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep.
Jake's ears twitched as a new sound made it's way into his brain. He promptly ignored it and shifted around on the couch until he was sufficiently comfortable once more. Before falling back into sleep, another round of annoyance clouded his mind.
Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep.
Jake shifted around in a vain attempt to get comfortable once more, not opening his eyes again lest painful rays invade them. He squeezed his eyes tighter and attempted to shut out the mild morning irritations that everyone seems to face at one point or another throughout their day. For near most, it's in the morning, without a shadow of doubt.
Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep.
Another twitch from his ear as this round of nope rubbed against Jake's ear drums. He barely opened one eye and peered at a digital clock sitting not a meter from his face on a coffee table that would be more suitably referred to as a soda table, because Jake don't drink coffee. He found it repulsive and disgusting.
Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep.
Jake groaned loudly and grumbled unintelligible phrases at no one in particular. He shifted once again, fixing the covers in between the thankful pause of hell naw. No one likes the morning. Any morning. He couldn't understand people that were morning people; how they can wake up so damn early was beyond him. It just didn't make sense. People like his mom.
Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep
Jake yelled out in annoyance and shot up. In one quick motion he picked up his alarm clock from the soda table and flung it at the front door as hard as he could. A click could be heard as the door opened quickly and abruptly while the electronic hell-bringer was in mid-flight.
His eyes widened as Jake saw who was standing in the doorway and everything seemed to slow down. He began mumbling some phrase in a dragged out slur as the clock sailed through the air, perfectly aimed at the upper half of the should-be door. The person in the doorway slowly looked up in time to get nailed in the face by a spontaneous alarm clock. There was a loud grunt and smash as the clock collided with face and knocked the victim down onto his back.
Not knowing what to do, Jake quickly looked around to make sure no one saw the recent scene, which he was sure no one else was around to actually spectate. He then shot back under the covers and faked a few soft snores. Another groan broke Jake's laughable excuse for a snore and he fell deadly quiet.
Without warning, the intruder says with a weak laugh, "Wow, I just got clocked."
THE RED MOON
A lone sigh escaped Jake's lips as he huddled under the blanket, as motionless as possible. The man at the door remained there a few more minutes before getting up and stumbling inside, shutting the door behind him. He cleared his throat and exhaled sharply, like an athlete would before a grand event.
A few footsteps later, the invader found himself at the refrigerator and popped it open before rummaging through the contents. Jake lay quietly, unsure of the mood his victim. Angry? In pain? Moody? Meh? Jake hummed quietly to himself as footsteps drew closer. The owner of said footsteps lounged back on the chair next to the couch and a soda can popped open.
Derik loved his Brisk... but then again, so did Jake. And probably every other being in existence. A knowing smile crept along Jake's face as he thought about getting up and getting a Brisk for himself. Such thoughts were purged when he heard Derik speak.
"So... How long are you going to pretend to be asleep?" Derik asked with a sniff.
Jake simply snored in reply. zzzz
"Alright, I can wait," came the response in a singsong.
Derik slurped on the Brisk can, making sure not to deplete the heavenly resource too hastily. He set the can down on the soda table and got up, stretching out his back, and made his way to the bathroom.
The door shut behind him and the lock clicked. Jake sighed a sigh of relief and sat up on the couch. He looked down at the light purple blanket encasing the lower half of his body and yawned. A small crack and there was a mortifying scream from the bathroom followed by, "HOOOW?! HOW DOES THIS HURT SO MUCH?!! THE MOVIES LIE. FFFFUDGE POPSICLES."
Jake nodded a few times before laying back on the couch, resuming his pseudo-sleep in a slightly more chipper mood.
The door to the bathroom creaked open and Derik hobbled out, holding his nose in his left hand. Derik trudged across the room and went for the kitchen again, yanking the refrigerator door open once more. This time, Derik pulled an ice pack out and slapped it on his face before making his way back to the chair to resume reclining.
Jake yawned again and closed his eyes. He was feeling tired and soon 'pseudo' was removed from his 'pseudo-sleep'.
Derik resumed drinking his beverage on the plush chair and propped his feet up on the soda table. He rested the ice pack on his face to ease the pain. He sniffed and closed his eyes as well, hoping to get some rest.
62 years later... or just an hour.
Jake groaned and opened his eyes slowly, rolling onto his side and craning his neck to the side, releasing a lone pop. Bleh, my mouth tastes like... like sewer? Ugh. Jake groaned once more, a bit more audibly this time and pushed himself up into a sitting position. A quick glance at an analog clock in the kitchen told him it was 1:15 ish. Best time as any to get out of bed. Or couch.
He stood up and brushed the blanket off of himself before shuffling to the bathroom. Everyone has their own morning routine with the bathroom. Even if it's not in the morning. As for Jake, no exception. He trudged through the doorway and looked up into the mirror,easing his eyes open to minimize the pain the light brought as much as possible. A red equine stared back at Jake with a wide smile plastered on his face.
"Ah, Zhek. We have remembered thy birthday!" the equine said enthusiastically.
The edge of Jake's lips curled upwards ever so slightly as he blinked slowly. "That's great..." he drawled before gulping a wad of phlegm and murmuring, "Must be why Derik dropped by earlier than usual." After clearing his throat real quickly Jake continued audibly, "It's been going great."
As the equine watched Jake yawn, he sat back and tapped a hoof to his chin. He let out a low hum before inquiring, "What can we do for thou?" He turned his gaze from the lonesome light to me and asked, "Dost thou have anything in mind?"
"To be honest, Eiren, I'm very content how I am right now..." Jake moaned quietly in a yawn and sniffled before heading to the toilet, positioning himself over it and releasing a stream of sterile lemonade into the lake waters below.
"Content? Surely you must desire something? Wealth? Power? Prestige?" Eiren suggested, raising an eyebrow.
"Yep, I'm content. I've got a job, income, shelter, Brisk. I have everything I'll ever want right here."
"Ah, except mates. Unless you count the male friend lounging within your entertainment chamber, but such would be blasphemy. Would thou be interested in fresh female virgins?" Eiren asked slyly, the edges of his lips visibly curling upwards.
Jake scoffed and rolled his eyes as he reeled in the kraken. "Fresh virgins," he snorted as he began washing his hands in front of the mirror. "I won't need fresh virgins, thank you very much. Not now at least." Jake finished up his restroom business and dried his hands before leaning against the wall opposite the mirror.
"Seriously, Eiren. You don't have to do anything. I'm used to receiving nothing. It's advantageous, you see. I'll never feel disappointment on any more birthdays.
Eiren frowned and shook his head, "Quite acrimonious, dear Zhek... Though it may seem advantageous to thee, it seem quite agonizing to spectators, do I stand incorrect?"
"Well, no. Not agonizing and maybe not completely incorrect." Jake scratched the back of his head and looked away as he tried to find something to say.
A fizzle brought Jake's attention to Eiren's horn which was glowing dark blue and cyan for a second before the aura faded.
"Eiren, what -"
The crimson equine cut Jake off with a dismissive wave of his hoof and stared into him with his big cobalt eyes. He half-smiled and said, "Hope you enjoy my gift to thee. Hope will be needed in the time to come. Don't forget, Zhek." Eiren's half smile faded and he nodded once before trotting out of view.
"Eiren, I- What? I don't... Ugh." Jake facepalmed and leaned on the sink, gazing at his own reflection. Golden eyes, dark brown hair with yellow highlights, same old facial structure. Well, the magic wasn't any kind of prank. At least not on my immediate body. Jake shrugged and took a deep breath, twisting the doorknob of the bathroom door and opening it.
He stared out into the expanse of a jungle to his left and green fields to his right. Jake smiled and shut the door, looking straightforward with vacant eyes.
... what
Jake shook his head violently and let a few raspberries out before opening the door once again. The same jungle and field lay itself out in his field of vision. Trees. Rocks. Mud. Bugs. Grass. Dirt. Gah, I hate bugs Jake's dead smile faded and his shoulders slumped. Jake pinched his nose bridge and muttered irritatedly, "Damnit, Eiren... why?"
After pinching himself a few times and producing a purple mark on his left forearm, Jake was finally convinced that he hadn't collapsed in the bathroom at the apartment and wasn't simply dreaming. Though, he felt like it'd be a great time to collapse right now. You know what? That's a plan.
Thump.
Derik awoke in a cave. A stone cold cave with a stone cold floor, a stone cold wall he was leaning up against, stone cold air, and pretty much stone cold anything else he could find in his shelter. Derik woke up leaning against the wall of the cave, his legs outstretched in front of him and a Brisk can next to him. He shivered and blinked twice.
"This is going to be one of the more rocky experiences, now won't it?" Derik asked no one. He picked up a pebble with his left hand and tossed it at the cave wall opposite of him.
Clack. Clack. Clack. The echo bounced around for a few times before dying down and returning to the eerie silence.
Derik looked around him and finally noticed a wall of shadow to his right. "Whoaaa, cool beans." He got up and edged his way closer to the wall, reaching out his hand to touch it. The wall of shadow was opaque, but it still allowed Derik's hand passage as if the wall was nonexistent. Huh, ain't that something? Derik swished his hand around in the shadow, unable to see past it.
He retracted his hand and looked at it. Nothing different. It was still his hand. Derik nodded a few times in understanding and whipped around to see an entrance to the cave. It was a small hole, but he could squeeze through it.
"I gotta get Jake and show him this rad wall," Derik mumbled as he looked back at the wall, evidently fascinated.
... Oh. Where is Jake?
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Wow, so many mistakes so soon.
I'm going to say this right now: 1st person constant switching between two protagonists who aren't very distinctive is confusing to the point where I couldn't tell you who each was about. Change this to 3rd person limited if you want to do this. First person is too confusing.
Also, why is this being rebooted?
4880250 sorry they aren't too distinct. But then again it's only the first chapter (probably my only defense)
It's being rebooted for a few reasons, primary among those include inconsistent fluency and transition.
4880292
If it's confusing why are you doing first person instead of 3rd person limited. You do realize that with the current style, every break is going to be dreaded rather than appreciated as they try to figure out who's speaking and what's going on in the current design structure? What advantage are you seeking from first person that isn't available from 3rd limited? I also want you to think of successful first person stories and think about how they are designed and why. First person should almost always be done with only one narrator. There are very few exceptions for many reasons including how confusing it gets from seeing so much I without a name to connect that I to.
4880344 I thought they'd be separated more via pargraph lines, but it seems I'll have to point it out woth a big name of whoever is in first person.
Just wait, separate first person perspectives won't be as pften as they were in this chapter. It'll be to the point where 2 fp swaps is seen.
4880362
I'll ask again, why are you doing this story in first person? What gains are you getting from the first person perspective that would not be available from the 3rd person? If you are gaining nothing but losing a portion of your audience, why do it?
4880375 in first person, thoughts and ideas from the author are more easily understood. First is easier than third for me. Simple as that. Even If I do lose audience, I'm still gaining knowledge via experience. This isn't going to be my only story. It's rare for a person to hit the nail on the head anyways, which is why I look forward to anyone commenting, even if they are less than pleasing.
4880375 would you recommend me redo the chapter once more?
4880438
Probably. I found the beginning confusing as it took me more than a little bit to realize you were going to be changing perspectives. So, I read the first section and then had the break that took me a minute to realize I was seeing different character's perspectives rather than the traditional usage of a time jump from a but like that. You then did the time jump and, because the rules wouldn't have been established yet as I'm just reading it, I wasn't sure who was speaking. The lack of names to associate who is who very early in the chapter, don't help either. All I have are "person 1" and "I think this is person 2."
Then again, take all this with a grain of salt, you'll want other people's opinions as well. If you find this is a pattern, then the answer is yes. I'd also recommend you not do rapid perspective shifts. If you're going to do first person with multiple perspectives, shift perspective either every chapter or very infrequently. I've dealt with too many authors who do rapid perspective changes which detract from the story. Imagine going to an orchestra performance. Imagine going part way through a song where the orchestra suddenly stops for a minute and then starts playing a different piece, although similar to the first. Every perspective change is a stop in the song, do not do it in the middle of a piece, always do it where it feels there is a natural transition and break can be taken. Every change in scene or perspective is a long pause where the audience has to spend energy getting back into the story.
Here's another way to describe it. If you've ever gone to a live performance of a play, you'll remember the scene transitions when the lights go dark and it either marks time passing or the set being changed. Every time you change perspectives or do some type of cut like through time, imagine the scene as a play and the lights going off, 10-30 seconds going by, and the lights coming back on again. Then decide if the choice is correct.
4880487 this just so happens to be the biggest grain of salt. Thank you.
I'm a little late to the party apparently and I'm not sure where this story is going but if my gut hasn't dissapointed me this far then what's the harm in sticking by. Emo is out.
I enjoyed the first chapter of the reboot far more than I did the original and find myself eager to see the new, different, direction you take the story in this time. I'll point out any mistakes I see while reading and try to give my opinion where necessary. On the point of first person or third person Limited I agree that third person can be far easier to handle but that, as was also mentioned, first person allows the author to portray their thoughts more clearly; personally I don't mind too much either way but I will say that 3rd person is often easier for new writers to use, but if your preference is 1st person then that's your choice, this is your story and ultimately you have final say on what does and doesn't go into it, still a little guidance is often for the best.
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