Fluttershy, Why is There a Gila Monster in Your Broom Closet?

by Super Trampoline

Links and Pictures That I Removed in My Quest For Publication in the Equestria Daily.

Equestria Daily Pre Reader said:

I found problems with:
External links
[...]
Embedded images
[...]
Several screenfulls of blank lines at the end

So I'm taking them out, and putting them here, because I like my links and pictures. No offense at all to EQD; I understand they try to maintain a more serious and professional tone. Without further adieu:

---

She told me, in that deferential way she says almost anything, that she was sure that now that I was a princess, surely I could find somepony to professionally tailor me whatever attire I wanted. [...] Not wishing to cause a scene or upset a princess, she relented. I also told her not to call me Shirley. See, I can be funny occasionally.

Links reference famous line from the movie Airplane.

---

Winter Wrap Up had occurred last month, and now the sky was clear as an ice fish's blood.

Ice fish have clear blood because their blood lacks hemoglobin.

---

So anyway, Fluttershy came back from her not-really-a-kitchen with a cup of tea for me,

Go read that story the link goes to. It is a wonderful little comedic slice of life story told from Fluttershy's point of view that explores how she in fact doesn't have a kitchen (in the show).

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Huh, what is that smell?, I thought. It smelled like carrion. I looked down.

There was a Gila monster in her broom closet.

I'm keeping that picture, I feel it's pretty integral to the story.

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In the wild, Gila monsters spend 90% of their time underground in burrows or rocky shelters. So with a few toys and a water bowl, she's a pretty happy camper in there. And here is another fact for you, Twilight "I love facts" Sparkle: The Gila monster feeds primarily on bird and reptile eggs, and eats infrequently (only five to ten times a year in the wild), but when it does feed, it may eat up to one-third of its body mass.

I probably should change that so that it isn't pure Wikipedia. I don't want to pull a Rand Paul.

---

What the... I think I'm going to be sick." I felt the bile rising in my throat, and with a look of determination swallowed it back down (Most ponies and horses can't throw up, but apparently us alicorns have that "gift", as apparently did the ponies who ate Pinkie and Applejack's "Baked Bads".

It's true you know.

---

A friend of mine who is a mechanic built him a prosthetic limb, and I'm proud to say that the fox is alive and well today."

Yeah, that one was a pretty stupid reference.

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But then she cheered up again. “Well, I can teach you,” she squeed. I actually literally heard a “squee” sound, like she was a cartoon character or something. Huh.

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But though it may seem strange to you, I assure you it is the customary greeting among Gila monsters.

Still not true.

---

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Hepatic cancer? The gears in my head turned. Hepatic? Hepatic is Gricean for... liver right? It hit me.

"LIVER CANCER?!" I shouted.

Cancer sucks.

---

She told me when she was a little filly, her mother took her to see a musical, and one song more than the others stood out to her, and stuck with her to that day.

I actually haven't seen Children of Eden yet.

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Rest in peace Gabriella.

---

I had these two images after a long break after the story but before the author's notes.

Comments

[FluxerCry]

If you absolutely must thank me somehow besides orally...

Oh... why Fluttershy, I didn't know you were into that kind of thing.

*POMPH* went my wings.

Popping a wingie? Boy, this story is dirty. I hereby declare this a clopfic.

PS: Improper use of the asterisk. Onomatopoeia is a valid form of prose and does not require any form of parenthesis.

PSS: I think earlier you used the word "stallion" as a substitute for the word "boy?" I only just now realized that might have been what you meant... next time just say boy. It's less confusing. Plus, the correct horse term for "boy" is "colt."

~

Okay, so, joking aside, most of the problems in your other fics carry over into this one, most notably the poor characterization. Twilight's little "everything dies" rant was completely out of character and came out of absolutely nowhere. It dramatically changed the tone of the story with no real reason, and then went right back to happy. Speaking of which, this is a pretty happy story. I don't really see anything to justify a "sad" or "dark" tag. That said, you seem better at writing more upbeat, humorous stories (even if some of the humor is a little forced. Acknowledging that something you say is not funny does not make it funny).

I did notice a few new problems though. 1: You did a lot of switching between past and present tense. This is obviously a past tense story, so stick to past tense when writing it. 2: Over-manipulation of dialogue. It's typically frowned upon to write in caps lock or to draaaaaaaw ouuuuuut yoooooouuur wooooooordsssss liiiiiiike thiiiiiiisssss. 3: Avoid using onomatopoeia in dialogue. If the character is giggling, say "Flutthershy giggled." Do not put "hee hee" in the dialogue. 4: That little green thesaurus of yours? I want you to pick it up and throw it out the window. Either you've been using it too much, or you just know a select few really long words... either way, throwing really long words that most people won't know without looking them up into your story does not make you seem smart, nor does it make your story better. The trick in writing is smart manipulation of the english language, not showing off how much of it you know.

As far as the content goes... cliche "circle of life" story (towards the end at least... I spent most of the story wondering where you were trying to go with this). Nothing really unique here other than your take on Fluttershy... I can see her being more confident at home, around animals, but she's a bit too un-shy. Overall though, not too bad.

Your Rating:

Hey, I hope you appreciated my feedback! I can tell I'll have my hooves full this week, so it'd be really, really awesome if you could support me by joining Weekly Watch! Your rating, and many others, will appear in a results thread later this week. Hope to see you there!

[Super Trampoline]

3646933 thanks for all the feedback! I'm already a part of your weekly watch silly. :P

[Super Trampoline]

3646933 now, I'll definetely have to Reread the story and look for those tense changes you found, because that is completely unacceptable on my part. As for the vocabulary, in my defense, this story is from twilights perspective. As for Twilights little tirade, I agree it's kind of out of nowhere. I think my justification is that this is something flutter shy deals with on a regular basis but twilight, especially considering she is a herbivore, is a bit more sheltered from this thing and so doesn't really know how to react. I also make sure to point out earlier in the story that she hasn't really visited flutter shies house all that much. But since I am trying to get the story onto Equestria Daily I will definitely go back and give it a third editing pass. Thanks again for the feedback!

[Super Trampoline]

Ahhhh
Ahhh
Ah.

Quoting the opening theme?

3872209

This is terrible, wonderful story.

Hopefully in a good way?

[Super Trampoline]

4007906 no, too would be correct. "Too" can also mean "in addition", like, "Short Skirts is an amazing author. I wish I was too."

Glad you thought the story was good.

[Winree]

3872419
In a very, very good way.