"Of all the terrible batponies in the world, you're the least terrible."~PresentPerfect🐴Ponk & GlimGlam are best ponies🐴Text 714-496-3119 with the name of an MLP character to get a cute picture!
Sad4,351 stories ·2,622 members
Fluttershy4,014 stories ·2,923 members
Slice of Life8,149 stories ·1,460 members
Twilight is Best Pony6,371 stories ·3,071 members
Twilight Sparkle12,269 stories ·4,753 members
Completed Story Compendium21,039 stories ·1,701 members
(dis)Like what you read? Tell me why! ~Super
Twilight volunteers to organize Fluttershy's house while the pegasus makes her a Nightmare Night costume. But she didn't count on finding a Gila monster in her host's broom closet. In the ensuing conversation, she learns it has terminal cancer, and why Fluttershy is braver than she could ever be, in her own way.
Rated G for Gila
Inspired by this touching story by the wonderfully talented Estee. Go read it: Five Hundred Little Murders.
Page generated in 0.243 seconds
Total duration
974 users online
1,448,170 hits today, 2,004,447 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
3352317................you cried when you wrote your own story?
3356635 No, but Fluttershy cried when she had to... SPOILERS
Well shit. This was pretty damn good. It's not often observed that Flutters must have to be intimately familiar with not only predators but also the circle of life in general.
3359137 I'm really glad you appreciated it!
And I'm sure that it will drive a spike (
) of traffic to your own fic now 
that was beauiful.
3363703 I'm glad you appreciated it
Oh... why Fluttershy, I didn't know you were into that kind of thing.
Popping a wingie? Boy, this story is dirty. I hereby declare this a clopfic.
PS: Improper use of the asterisk. Onomatopoeia is a valid form of prose and does not require any form of parenthesis.
PSS: I think earlier you used the word "stallion" as a substitute for the word "boy?" I only just now realized that might have been what you meant... next time just say boy. It's less confusing. Plus, the correct horse term for "boy" is "colt."
~
Okay, so, joking aside, most of the problems in your other fics carry over into this one, most notably the poor characterization. Twilight's little "everything dies" rant was completely out of character and came out of absolutely nowhere. It dramatically changed the tone of the story with no real reason, and then went right back to happy. Speaking of which, this is a pretty happy story. I don't really see anything to justify a "sad" or "dark" tag. That said, you seem better at writing more upbeat, humorous stories (even if some of the humor is a little forced. Acknowledging that something you say is not funny does not make it funny).
I did notice a few new problems though. 1: You did a lot of switching between past and present tense. This is obviously a past tense story, so stick to past tense when writing it. 2: Over-manipulation of dialogue. It's typically frowned upon to write in caps lock or to draaaaaaaw ouuuuuut yoooooouuur wooooooordsssss liiiiiiike thiiiiiiisssss. 3: Avoid using onomatopoeia in dialogue. If the character is giggling, say "Flutthershy giggled." Do not put "hee hee" in the dialogue. 4: That little green thesaurus of yours? I want you to pick it up and throw it out the window. Either you've been using it too much, or you just know a select few really long words... either way, throwing really long words that most people won't know without looking them up into your story does not make you seem smart, nor does it make your story better. The trick in writing is smart manipulation of the english language, not showing off how much of it you know.
As far as the content goes... cliche "circle of life" story (towards the end at least... I spent most of the story wondering where you were trying to go with this). Nothing really unique here other than your take on Fluttershy... I can see her being more confident at home, around animals, but she's a bit too un-shy. Overall though, not too bad.
Your Rating:
Hey, I hope you appreciated my feedback! I can tell I'll have my hooves full this week, so it'd be really, really awesome if you could support me by joining Weekly Watch! Your rating, and many others, will appear in a results thread later this week. Hope to see you there!
3646933 thanks for all the feedback! I'm already a part of your weekly watch silly. :P
3646933 now, I'll definetely have to Reread the story and look for those tense changes you found, because that is completely unacceptable on my part. As for the vocabulary, in my defense, this story is from twilights perspective. As for Twilights little tirade, I agree it's kind of out of nowhere. I think my justification is that this is something flutter shy deals with on a regular basis but twilight, especially considering she is a herbivore, is a bit more sheltered from this thing and so doesn't really know how to react. I also make sure to point out earlier in the story that she hasn't really visited flutter shies house all that much. But since I am trying to get the story onto Equestria Daily I will definitely go back and give it a third editing pass. Thanks again for the feedback!
Ahhhh
Ahhh
Ah.
This is terrible, wonderful story.
Quoting the opening theme?
3872209
Hopefully in a good way?
3872209
The first too should actually be "to". "Too" is used when there is more than enough. Example:
And "to" is used in situations such as promising something or speaking of going someplace. Example:
Otherwise, good story.
4007906 no, too would be correct. "Too" can also mean "in addition", like, "Short Skirts is an amazing author. I wish I was too."
Glad you thought the story was good.
3872419
In a very, very good way.
In other words, reason # 14586 why fluttershy is best pony.
I love lizards, and Gila monsters are among my favorites. This was super sad. I was hoping Gabby would pull through.