Pinkie Pie is a lover of everything sweet and tasty, but hates brushing her teeth. It's that time of year again and Colgate is determined to fulfill all her appointments.
cover art by Silver Fluffenbuns
Chapters (1)
Flint Sparks
Joined 28th May, 2013 ·
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This was entertaining. Please continue.
very funny, however... is it intentionally labelled as 'incomplete'?
I've maxed out my faves today. Just pretend I faved it.
3286497
That was an accident. I changed it
However, I may have more MiniPie in the future...
BRUSHIE!!!
shouldn't this have a dark tag
3286538
What's dark about it?
Why?
Colgate's first words upon waking up:
tshirtpusher.com/media/catalog/product/cache/1/image/9df78eab33525d08d6e5fb8d27136e95/1/2/1282_lifislie_art_black.png
3286554 Maybe because it takes place at night and is dark out?
3286824
but night-vision goggles...
A few things are a bit off. Silence is not conducive to covert operations (if guard(s) are expecting noise, they will be less suspicious about unavoidable noises); there are also some word-choice/grammar errors.
3288997
There were no guards. Pinkie was not expecting Colgate. Colgate is not in the military.
3289006 Pinkie is guarding herself; therefore, there exists a guard. Because a guard exists, and the statement is (almost) independent of the type of guard, the statement holds.
Deaf guards hired because of a poorly-applied equal-opportunity hiring practice are not covered by the statement, but Pinkie isn't deaf.
3289034
Maybe Colgate just chose to be completely silent so she wouldn't wake anyone up. I'm just trying to be funny
3289042 I'm not faulting your story. It is fairly amusing.
I'm faulting a single line that runs contrary to everything I know about stealth, because I honestly believe that replacing that line with a similar one would be more engaging to readers.
Here's the original line: "Conveniently, the blanket of silence also allowed more covert operations to take place."
Here's a potential replacement: "The blanket of silence would hinder the more covert operations planned that night."
3289083
how about "could hinder"?
I actually see where you're getting at.
If it's too quiet, it magnifies any sound you make. If you're sneaking around, you want the background noises. Right?
3289095 Exactly. And yes, could is an improvement over what I had suggested.
The original line halted my reading while my mind asked "um... what?" Breaking suspension of disbelief over such a thing may seem like I'm nitpicking, and perhaps I am, but I believe it's something that both detracts from the story and is easy to fix.
3289120
The problem is, in context that line means nobody would notice her slip into the house... How about rather than blanket of silence, it's blanket of slumber.
3289153 A blanket of slumber (I recommend finding a different name for this. It sounds like an item from D&D, such as a bag of holding) would help with infiltration.
Why didn't I read this sooner? It's hilarious!
How did I wait this long to read this? This was wonderful, Sparks.
But if Pinkie always brushes, why doesn't she go to the dentist ever?
Oh. DRILLS.
Oh... my...
Pinkie doesn't get cavities from rocks so Sugar wouldn't be a problem for her.
I don't understand why she always assumes that I have cavities!