• Member Since 13th Aug, 2013
  • offline last seen Dec 31st, 2015

Annalisa Flat


HI

E
Source

Thirty moons of annoying bragging from Rarity.
Three years of jealousy and annoyance.
Sweetie Belle was fed up.

Ever since the historic battle of Twilight Sparkle and Sunset Shimmer 3 years before, Sweetie Belle had been curious beyond words. How could such powerful magic exist in the universe? How is there a world of equines?
"It's the magic of friendship darling," Rarity said countless times.
That answer never satisfied her.
One afternoon, Sweetie Belle discovered that the fabled magical portal had reopened for the first time in 3 years. She called her two friends, Scootaloo and Applebloom, and explained the news to them. They were unbelieving, but decided to travel with their best friend into the portal. When they got to the other side, they were indeed in Equestria, but it wasn't what they expected. It was a tragic world of disharmony.

Chapters (4)
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Comments ( 31 )

OBJECTION!
I bombs r evil and evil cant stop anything
How come the bombs on hiroshima and nagisaki worked ...
Im just messin with u

cant comment some critic, too bad at it I am :moustache:
on the other hoof, good start cuz I want more...
so good luck with inspiration :pinkiesmile:

This story could use another round or two of editing. And some of the larger paragraphs could be split into two. There are a quite few spots where your quotation marks are improperly spaced. Some of your attributions need to be looked at some are capitalized when they shouldn't be.

Give your story another look-over, you should be able to catch a lot of the visually jarring stuff.

Thanks for writing.

I have to say, this fic is surprisingly good! Favourited and liked, let me know if you want an editor.

OBJECTION!:flutterrage:!

This is my first fanfic

:rainbowderp::rainbowderp:

How.... so well written....

RT: Here we have Rave slamming her head against the computer screen after reading something she refuses to belive as a first fan fic!

Stop taking my camera Twilight....

(TUMBLR REFRENCE!! http://ask-robo-twi-and-rave-runners.tumblr.com/) (yes, it is mine)

3043701
Why am I not surprised you took a look at the same time as I did. You have already gotten a famous fic writer commenting on this, keep up the good work!

Looking forward to the next few chapters. Id like to see where you take this.

3043713 Famous? Huh... I don't know about that... I just care about writing and seek to improve. I still have a long way to go as a writer, but it is my passion and I love it. I just try to comment on any SB fic that catches my attention :unsuresweetie:

I try to offer what criticism I deem is appropriate (since analyzing other people's work is very helpful for improving as an author, and if I can help others in the process, all the better) Here, I've offered what I deemed to be the most urgent for the author to get the hang of, but since the A/N said to be not too critical, I didn't pick away at the fic for all of its flaws (that can just turnout to be demoralizing). Just the most noticeable and easiest to fix of the mistakes.

I CAN'T TAKE THE CRITICISM :raritycry::raritycry::raritycry:
jk. I really appreciate the corrections :twilightsmile:

i had concluded

Uncapitalised I...

the portal

DOUBLE SPACES! I CAN'T STAND THEM!

" The magic of friendship," She repeated."

And... we have a derp.
No wait, two derps!

I got an editor now so I'm fancy now :moustache:
yaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy:yay:

If I find some time, I'll give it a read later.:twilightsmile:

Fortune favor you, comrade.

to be correct, 30 moons is 2 1/2 years not 3

3051367 Well then lucky for them, they didn't have to wait as long as they thought :ajsmug::derpytongue2::rainbowwild::trixieshiftright::yay:

Interesting. I eagerly await the next chapter.

Nice... thing with the face full of suspense!

Well, I just read up to the second paragraph and I noticed a HUGE mistake. The characters are the humans from equestria girls right? But you wrote that their sun is raised by Princess Celestia. Well, the sun raises and set as normal, not by her, and she's "Principal Celestia", not princess :twilightsheepish:

Well, I finished reading this chapter, apart of mixing Princess Celestia with Principal Celestia:pinkiecrazy:, it's all good. I didn't seen any grammar errors or typos at all

3074235

:trollestia:I can be a princess whenever I want:trollestia:

Jk. I'll fix that so it is more clear :pinkiecrazy:

NOOOOOOOO, NOT THE CLIFFHANNGER :raritydespair:

This kind of reminds me of "Return to Oz."

Comment posted by Elkhorse deleted Aug 20th, 2013

School.... wasn't too bad for me today

Uh oh, things looks pretty messed up in equestria

3079795
Oh dear... wasteland... time skip... world of disharmony...

Please don't be THAT wasteland... It would not bode well for their psyche.

Dag Nabit! You had to write another one didn't you.... I should just make a reminder to come back here in a year so that both stories are finished.

You're lucky I don't have a short fuse.

Oh well....

At least there were 4 chapters this time.

I want to like this for the premise, but...the execution is disappointing and weak.

Keep trying, though! First stories are never great, but it's the only way to learn.

3214995
No hard feelings. This WAS my first story, and it isn't my fav. Second, I'm only a middle-schooler, and I'm doing this for fun/no reason. Third, HOW DID YOU FIND ME?! :pinkiegasp: (sorry, got dramatic there)

I do so hate cliffhangers :pinkiecrazy: i'll be watching :scootangel:

Looks like the fillies get to experience Fallout Equestria.

I will be honest after reading the description of this story, I decided to pass on it, I was rather hoping for a story in which the human CMC wound up in Twilight's version of Equestria an wound up meeting their counter parts. that and i dont care too much for Tragedy.

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