Chapter 1: One Day
Chapter 1: One Day
“Sweetie Belle!” Rarity shouted, “Stop obsessing over that pointless predicament of yours and eat breakfast! You don't want to be late again!”
I watched in awe as the sunrise painted colors across the sky and its ongoing canvas. The golden rays gleamed down into my small, cluttered bedroom. Figures, I had been up all night ransacking my room for my science journal, which was plastered with photos and drawings of equines. All I found was my song journal, which was loaded with the creations of my second hobby, writing song lyrics. When will I clean this ugly mess of clothes and trash? At the moment, the answer to that question was far beyond my grasp. I was too sidetracked with a sunrise-sunset theory of utmost importance to have any care for hygiene. I wonder if the sun princess from Equestria raised the sun today, or if it is a thing of our dimension. This brief thought was enough to lull me into a trance. In a matter of minutes, the eye pleasing sight before me had resulted in a truckload of theories and explanations about Equestria. ‘Equestria’, what is this strange place? Over the past few years, I have concluded it exists through many scientific experiments on the portal statue, but the landscape details never came through. Maybe, just maybe, the landscaping is completely parallel, and everything that occurs here happens in a similar form, including the events. As I pondering over this theory, I barely noticed the clock ticking away, eating up my precious time. Before I knew it, Rarity was running up the stairs and making dents in my door as she knocked vigorously at it until I finally let her in.
“Sweetie Belle!” Rarity yelled, “Why are you still in your PJ's?!”
I couldn't quite answer that. “Um, well, you see....”
“You know what I see? A tardy slip!”
“But I was just busy studying Equestria...”
“Not this again!” Rarity interrupted. “I told you that Equestria is real, but worrying about it won't do us any good. Their dimension is fine so there is no point to bother it. Wanna do some science? Study OUR world. Now get dressed!”
“But...”
“NOW!”
~~~~~
Rarity had never understood exactly why this world fascinated me. In fact, she never showed any support in my research at all. She kept saying it was ‘an aimless goal’, but I don't care. I kept going, because her disapproval was what drove me. The reason is because she's my sister; of course she's going to be snobby, but I love her. Besides, she has been kind to me in many other situations. She always played dolls with me, in fact, she put aside some time to sew and create a Raggedy Anne style doll that looked just like me. Not only did she do that, but like herself and her four friends, she created custom outfits for me that all that the same marking on them: a music note within a pink heart. The mark perfectly described me in every way.
Despite the fact that her efforts to be a great sister were impressive, her efforts to benefit my research were not. I knew she knew about everything when it came to the fabled Elements of Harmony, because she resembled one of the elements for about two hours when Twilight Sparkle defeated Sunset Shimmer. She only told me one thing.
I remember it like it was yesterday. I was in the kitchen making easy-mac, when she strolled through the door. It was about five days since the incident with Sunset Shimmer, so I decided to ask her a question about Twilight Sparkle.
“Rarity?” I asked.
“What is it darling?” She responded. “Do you need help cooking? I could help you make a delicious lunch with a little bit of my handy work.”
“No not that.” I said. “On the day of the dance, when Twilight Sparkle and you defeated Sunset Shimmer, how did Twilight perform that magic? I thought magic wasn't real.”
Rarity's expression changed with the click of a button. She seemed somewhat shocked that I asked that question, but quickly calmed down.
“It's the magic of friendship darling.”
“Huh?”
“The magic of friendship,” She repeated, “There is nothing more powerful on earth or anywhere.”
I twitched a little, friendship? I knew it was important, but it can't exactly destroy and kill evil demons with the flip of a switch.
“But Rarity, that doesn't make any sense! Friendship isn't the most powerful thing! What about bombs and fires?”
Rarity stifled a laugh. “Well you can't exactly overcome evil with evil, can you now? Bombs are effective, but what good does it do if it is evil doings?”
I stared at her with a blank face, almost as if she was speaking in another language. I didn't understand anything, so I just let it go through one ear and out the other.
Ever since then Rarity was never the same. It was almost as if her generous soul was being feverishly picked at day by day. Sometimes I wondered, what happened to the Rarity I used to know?
~
That evening after school all I could do was bounce a ball against my pink bedroom walls. After the previous confrontation with my sister, my mind was in spirals. Nothing seemed warm and happy anymore. It was like there was a dark hole where my heart used to be and I couldn't do anything about it. My emotions were completely out of control. A dark presence was piercing a hole in my life. But the strange thing was my life was fabulous. I got an A+ on my drama performance, had a great day with my friends, and had dealt with Rarity many times before. So why was I depressed? I pondered the idea for a while until I heard a sudden crash to my left.
Phew, it was just my old equine journal. Out of curiosity, I scrolled through the hundreds of pages in hope to find a solution to my depression. Fate was smiling upon me that day, as I found the answer to my problems on the second page to the back. It was dated three years back, around the time I was ten or so.
Today something miraculous happened! I couldn't believe it, neither could Scootaloo or Applebloom! It was the school dance, when all of the sudden we heard a blast coming from the direction of the statue at Canterlot High. Sunset Shimmer had become a monster! OMG! But luckily, the Fall Formal princess, Twilight Sparkle, used magic to defeat her! Later I was reaaaalllly bored so I looked outside. Twilight was going home to a dimension called Equestria! I miss her, but I am glad she is going home to see her family. She said that she would come back in thirty moons to visit us, but that is in a really long time and I don't like waiting. Oh well! -SB 10 years old
The old article brought tears of joys to my eyes, and returned a sense of happiness to me. Although I was mostly distracted by my childish writing, something in the article caught my eye. She said she would come back in thirty moons...
After a brief look at my calendar, I realized that that was in a week. A WEEK! This was amazing. All my research was finally going to pay off when I went through the portal and explored Equestria in depth. One day, all my dreams were going to come true.
That day is finally approaching.
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OBJECTION!
I bombs r evil and evil cant stop anything
How come the bombs on hiroshima and nagisaki worked ...
Im just messin with u
cant comment some critic, too bad at it I am
on the other hoof, good start cuz I want more...
so good luck with inspiration
This story could use another round or two of editing. And some of the larger paragraphs could be split into two. There are a quite few spots where your quotation marks are improperly spaced. Some of your attributions need to be looked at some are capitalized when they shouldn't be.
Give your story another look-over, you should be able to catch a lot of the visually jarring stuff.
Thanks for writing.
I have to say, this fic is surprisingly good! Favourited and liked, let me know if you want an editor.
OBJECTION!
!
How.... so well written....
RT: Here we have Rave slamming her head against the computer screen after reading something she refuses to belive as a first fan fic!
Stop taking my camera Twilight....
(TUMBLR REFRENCE!! http://ask-robo-twi-and-rave-runners.tumblr.com/) (yes, it is mine)
3043701
Why am I not surprised you took a look at the same time as I did. You have already gotten a famous fic writer commenting on this, keep up the good work!
Looking forward to the next few chapters. Id like to see where you take this.
3043713 Famous? Huh... I don't know about that... I just care about writing and seek to improve. I still have a long way to go as a writer, but it is my passion and I love it. I just try to comment on any SB fic that catches my attention
I try to offer what criticism I deem is appropriate (since analyzing other people's work is very helpful for improving as an author, and if I can help others in the process, all the better) Here, I've offered what I deemed to be the most urgent for the author to get the hang of, but since the A/N said to be not too critical, I didn't pick away at the fic for all of its flaws (that can just turnout to be demoralizing). Just the most noticeable and easiest to fix of the mistakes.
I CAN'T TAKE THE CRITICISM
jk. I really appreciate the corrections
Uncapitalised I...
DOUBLE SPACES! I CAN'T STAND THEM!
And... we have a derp.
No wait, two derps!
I got an editor now so I'm fancy now
yaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy
Well, I just read up to the second paragraph and I noticed a HUGE mistake. The characters are the humans from equestria girls right? But you wrote that their sun is raised by Princess Celestia. Well, the sun raises and set as normal, not by her, and she's "Principal Celestia", not princess
Well, I finished reading this chapter, apart of mixing Princess Celestia with Principal Celestia
, it's all good. I didn't seen any grammar errors or typos at all
I want to like this for the premise, but...the execution is disappointing and weak.
Keep trying, though! First stories are never great, but it's the only way to learn.