kalakala
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Two or more characters cannot speak in the same paragraph. When someone else needs to speak, you have to start a new one. That goes for thoughts as well.
@Jphyper Ah Thank you for pointing that out. I knew it didn't feel quite right. Edit: Just edited it out and realised that fimfiction had got rid of some italics I put down.
Mmm, yes, an interesting, simple concept, though the action was a bit...short.
If you'd like a grammar editor, I'd be willing to step up.
i think twilight's gone a little koo-koo in the head.
It's too.. short, other than that it's an alright story.
Sexy times how?
@super_nova You do realise that its unfinshed right now.
@3A That is a secret for now.
I do not really like that story. Not because of the basic idea, but because of the execution. I get what you try: Twilight, traumatized by the events of the wedding (which did not lay out as in the show) and being afraid to have lost everyone she cares for, goes insane and thinks that putting them under mind control to keep them happy will solve everything. Actually a good idea, I see potential in making mind control here scary, semi erotic (depending on how far Twilight will go) and kinda tragic, if you would showcase how much it all affects her.
But I do not really see that. Not just because you have only writen two chapters, but because the tone you set for it so far does not really seem as if you go into that much detail.
You could have already used the first two chapters to properly set the mood for the story, but you did not. For example, you do not explain why Twilight was already in Ponyville and the others only came back. Was that because Twilight, heartbroken, left Canterlot after the accusation? If that is the case, how did the others react to it at first, especially Spike, who if you think about it, is basically her adopted son? What went through Twilight`s head afterwards, that she came to the conclusion that perhaps magic can fix it? Did she have a mental break down as in Lesson Zero?
Last but not least, the mind control part itself. It is way too short and comes out of nowhere. There isn`t really a nice build up to it and it happens way too fast. If Twilight really wants to change Spike`s perception of her, why not go a bit more into her diving into his memories, perhaps changing explicit ones entirely because she thinks they are of the kind that make him hate her? Why not showing Spike actually strugling for a bit until he gives in, trying to justify it in his manipulated mind with the idea that Twilight always knows what is good for him and such.
Instead we get seven lines of nothing. And as stated by someone else, try to break paragraphes, cause otherwise it looks bad.
All I am saying: If you are really writing a mind control clopficthat has as a set up a good reason for Twilight to use hypnosis, elaborate on that one also and don`t rush through the motions.
2884348 I'm probably gonna start editing it tonight and am probably going to create a prologue where we see Twilight getting back to Ponyville and how she discovers the spell. To be honest I only created it as it is now as something to do while bored. Given the feedback I'm gonna take it much more seriously now. Also the reason the mind control was short was becuase of several factors. A) Spike already trusted Twilight as if she was his mother and with his role as her assisstant being done all his life it wouldn't have been a massive leap to her being his mistress. B) Twilight is only exprimenting with it at this time since it was a recent discovery for her so she would only do the bare minimum. C) I kinda of made the mind control method up on the fly.
2884627
Well then. I still suggest you try to flesh the thing you have so far out enough to make the brain washing of Spike a bit more interesting, that is all.
If you go to make it better with the others, I can`t wait to see, but his part really does need a bit more to it now. I get that he trusts her, but a bit of worry thrown in and perhaps showing more of the effect than him just calling Twilight now mistress would be okay. Considering how he sees her and how Twilight may at first not want to consider herself a "mistress" but a friend (it just looks like a big leap from trying to "fix" her friendship problem to embrace the title of mistress that easily) to the others, I would try perhaps something like that: She only starts to get a kick out of hypnotizing her friends and others after she actually used it to make one of her friends fall madly in love with her (it still is a clop, right?) and then embraces the title of mistress/wants to be called that by her lover. As for Spike... make him call her mommy or something like that, highlighting how far Twilight has already kinda gone.
Also, how about explaining a bit ow the wedding went in this alternate universe? I mean, was it the real Cadance all along in this world, or was Twilgiht right and Shining accidentaly married Chrysalis? If the later is the case, how come the invasion on Canterlot did not happen?
2884896 Well I've made some edits over the two chapters and a prologue is on the way once it gets past grammar editing. Hopefully it'll be up tomorrow but no promises. I've also included more on the spike mind control bit but I agree with you it wasn't and might still not be good enough. I'm definitely going to start planning the mind control encounters.
2884949If you want, I can help?
At least I could amke suggestions if that is okay with you. Just write me some PM
Ser Fireheart Deathclaw? Was he friends with sir Grimdark Killmurder? That book appearing was unbelievably contrived, especially since it's so easy to give Twilight access to illegal magic like that without being so ridiculous.
2887446
Don't talk about Grimdark Killmurder in such a vile tongue, the stallion was a hero to his country and saved Equestria in the ancient Canterlot invasion of year 823!
Ser fireheart deatclaw. Fireheart deathclaw. Fireheart. Warrior cats reference?
2888090 Congrats on seeing the reference.
2887446 I wasn't feeling imaginative when it came to the name. Besides where better to hide a book of dark knowledge than in a place of knowledge?
2888855
the restricted section in Canterlot? That's kind of the point of it.
2891283 Yes but this would be the kind of guy with a reputation to uphold. If it was discovered he knew how to control minds he would never be trusted. I would say more but I plan to develop his character later in the fic.
2891425
Not trusted? He just goes to Celestia, says, "I have learned of a terrible magic, please put my notes where only qualified people can see them," and it's done with. Why wouldn't anyone trust a magical researcher who did that? As opposed to one who hid the magic in a random library?
2888855 Now today has some meaning!
2891465 You have to factor in two things A) Paranoia that he might be arrested, executed etc. B) This is a different period in time he is from so opinions about dark magic would be different, even more so with Luna's absence and C) This guy isn't a Magic Researcher he didn't mean to discover it and if you wait until I've finished telling his story in the fic It would make sense, I mean your going on what 2 or 3 lines of text written in desperation.
2883714
I mean that each chapter is too short, not the entire story.
2891425
So, instead of hiding it in a secure place, he hides it in a random library?
Yeah, not buying the contrived deus ex machina book. Also not buying the way Twilight so easily decides to just mind rape everyone.
With how OOC that is (even when stressed), it might as well be an OC doing this instead of Twilight.
2899650 I'm probably gonna start really digging into this when a holiday I gave coming up is underway, so larger chapters will be a definite.
2900675 Look I'll say this straight, Will all of you let me just get to the part of the story where I explain him okay. And as for your other comment Twilight thinks that she lost her friends and so is using the spell to get them all back. Also she did just go under an insane amount of mental duress, firstly the mentor who is pretty much her mother chastised her and then her friends who she has placed so much trust in (Eg the Discord Incident) Just turn their back on her and say they don't trust her and Who do they trust instead, someone that they only met for one day and who acted like a complete arse to them. To be honest it does show slight unreal-ism in the canon how easily she gets over that I'm starting to think that Cadences spell that threw the changelings away had more than one purpose.
Why is the prologue the third chapter of the story?
3006018 Because I'm an idiot who forgot to save the chapter order.
Also the prologue was added after the initial chapters so It was put there by the system and I derped. Thanks for pointing it out.
How despicable, using mind control to... make her friends be nice to her like usual...
3071239 Remember Twilight thinks all her friends will/have abandoned her because of what happened at the wedding, so she's doing this in order to keep them.
3071239>>3071271 Besides Twilight's always had a bit of... well dementia, madness. This has caught my eye and has me watching closely... I am waiting for thing to deteriorate further.
Okay, this chapter was really annoying. Where the fuck was Spike? Why didn't he come back home with the rest of his friends. He is WAY more important to twilight than the mane 6 could ever be. He should also be much more concerned about her than they are.
She should drag Spike into the basement and have Fluttershy molest him now.
Why do i get the feeling Twilight's gonna do more after she gets all her friends under her control? i mean is that where it really starts or escalates?
i see what you've done here
2900711 Larger chapters will definitely be canceled.
You know what this reminds me of?
NO! IT"S CANCELED!
It's alive!
i vote pinkie!
Pinkie, we cant allow her anymore time to prepare!
PINKIE PINKIE PINKIE PINKIE PINKIE PINKIE CHEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I agreed pinke would be the biggest threat so pinkie pie
Why do I just get the sick feeling that this is going to blow up in Twilight's face once this is all said and done?
I love the idea but this is just very poorly written... It's like watching the sun explode in front of your eyes. You know you'll burn your eyeballs out when you look, but you can't stop looking.
5552578 Yeah, I know I'm a bad writer, to be honest, I'm only finishing this so that I can finish all my open stuff and quit writing completely. Hell, if anyone wants to write a better version based off the concept, they're welcome to. If they asked I would even give them some suggestions.
5552652 I never said you are a bad writer, I said that this story is poorly written. There's always room for improvement, and you can always get an editor or a proofreader to help with your writing.
5552788 The slightly awkward moment when this was proof-read, and it had a editor back in the first few chapters.
5552791 Fire your editor and your proofreader... they probably just skimmed through the whole thing and then said, "Voila, this is edited.", when it really wasn't. Or they just did a really poor job.
5552792 Oh no, the editor was quite good, but we fell out of contact just before I pretty much stopped on it. Also, in the latest chapters I just noticed that some formatting from Google Docs didn't come through so I'll have to quickly edit that. Heh, looking through the comments, it seems I made that mistake first time, too.
5552798 It's okay, everypony makes mistakes.
I wonder what role this Fireheart has to play. Better run, Celestia! Twilight is coming to make you her FRIEND!
