chrisharte97
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For this story I had the idea of a pairing between Conner Kenway from Assassin's creed 3 and Rainbow Dash.
I'll put Blueblood in there soon enough, but I'll give you a little hint, he's not fighting with Conner or his Aunt Celestia any more, and he's not fighting with Sombra either. Sombra will come a few chapters later after the ones involving Blueblood are over.
If you don't mind my being a critic: the pacing so far has been rather fast, and I can't see Conner taking too being a pony that fast, even after AC3's conclusion for him. That said, this has potential to be a good story
2913159 Good point, but sometimes I see Conner getting used to stuff now that he's older now. So that's why I sped up on my story.
Holy shit, that was fast.
Seriously, we're not even a hundred words in before Connor (yes, Connor) has been knocked out and turned into a pony. Don't rush things. Take time to detail everything. This is known as "show, don't tell". Instead of saying "Connor was walking through the forest after killing Charles Lee and then he got knocked out", take the time to set the scene. Describe how peaceful Connor might feel walking through the forest, or how it reminds him of his home. Stuff like that. That way, you convey emotions through the story without outright telling us "Connor felt peaceful".
Also, it doesn't really matter how old you are. Being turned into something completely different isn't something anyone gets over right away. Even when Connor drank the willow tea and gained animal powers in The Tyranny of King Washington he freaked out more than this.
In short, take your time. Don't rush through the story, otherwise it seems boring and out-of-character for pretty much everyone involved.
~Gherkin, the self-proclaimed Crossover Guy
A bit rushed, but it has potential. I would recommend slowing the story down and pacing yourself.
2921308 Agreed.
A bit fast but i like it , can't wait to see the next chapter
2941059 Thanks man.
this is good.
2941793 Great to hear it.
2941806 hey,you ready for ac4?
2941839 Hell yeah, I have AC's 2, brotherhood, and 3.
Oh I forgot to tell you guys that I've opened a settlement designing contest where bronies like us either build their settlements with Legos, draw some sketches of a settlement, or make a Minecraft version of a settlement. I'm going to make Empire Total War Mlp style fanfic. I'll judge the top twenty that I see perfect and the winner out of the top twenty will have their settlement shown on my Empire Total War fimfic.
So... who's in?
The purpose of this contest is to make the best settlement that will be perfect for this fanfic.
Just send the picture, sketch, or Minecraft picture to me at my page and I'll judge them to see which ones make the top twenty.
2941847ah one day i'll get ac2,brother hood,and Revelations back.still have 3 though.
2942008 That's good to hear.
Stop Rushing the story
2986852 I'm not rushing, I'm just quick at thinking that's all.
2942008 Hey man I was wondering that if you have any Steam games like Empire Total War or Team Fortress 2? Because perhaps we could play together.
2990996sorry i dont.but i'll chek them out soon.and we just might do that.give me a few days or so
2997173 you got it.
I managed to add a few more words into the fourth chapter, it not a lot of words, but might be good enough.
I had to look for any words that were missing in the other chapters now for I felt that their were a few words missing within those chapters.
Okay I was not expecting this chapter to be short I'll see what I can do.
Well that escalated quickly!
3084133 I know it was quick, but I tried to make it look like that Night Stalker had no experience fighting other killers like Conner.
tomahawk chop is my death blow
3095842 Well, if you don't remember the chapter where Conner gets a new tomahawk, well this new tomahawk is much sharper than Conner's old tomahawk.
3095842 Not trying to offend you though.
3096132 dont worry i'm not offended.i just had to say that line. do you know were the line come's from?
3101456 Not really.
3103013 dont worry.it's from the ultimate assassin creed 3 rap by smosh.check it out.
3106345 I would like to, but my mother and grandmother just grounded me from the computer for the day because they say I'm being s*** today so I can't. But anyways thanks for the intel.
3106780ahh well try and heard it soon.it's good
3111277 Thanks.
I fixed the chapters, making them a bit more longer, and I hope you guys will like it.
2916091 is right. I like the story, and the plot is pretty good, but it needs a bit more meat on it's bones. I'd especially think it'd be more logical for Connor, after the epic Charles Lee scene, to just pass out from blood loss. He was wounded, after all. Perhaps you could describe the intense anguish he feels from walking with his injury, the panic that he will not make it to any medical aid in time, the dark irony in him completing all the kills on his list only to bleed out and die by the roadside. Things like that help it feel more like a story, and less like a description of, "this happened, then this, then this, then this."
Great premise, lacking execution, needs lots of improvement on diction and description.
3129409 Hmm... That might be a good idea when I have the time that is.
Oh guys if any of you guys have a YouTube account please notify this guy named PrinceofPenguins on YouTube about this if any of you have a YouTube account.
Tell him that it might be still on work, but it's worth looking into if you guys do.
getting gooood
3160461 Thanks man.
Okay guys I made this chapter a little bit longer than the last few ones so I hope you guys will like this chapter and I promise I will show what happens after the gala in the next chapter.
this is a fine story my good sir. just one question, why are the chapters so short
3185961 Well I don't have a lot of ideas on what else to put in these chapters to make them longer. Sorry about that.
3187435 might i suggest writing down the ideas in a notebook, it helps get a rough draft in and helps keep track of your ideas
3188991 Uh... Sure.
3189215 hey, its just a suggestion
3189217 Okay.