Wolves, loyal, honored, cunning, like their tribal ancestors were, have formed an empire of brethren. During the age of expansion, a scout ship among the seas landed on the ground of another great civilization. This was the the land of Equestria. As the team began diplomatic relations with the local population, their iron-fisted leader, Discord, immediately declared war on the empire, sending his captive ponies as worriers. The war ended when the twin goddesses dethroned the dictator. Our story begins about one thousand years after the end of the war as the olive branch of peace could be in grasp of the two nations.
Narrative for the book. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3EP3fSEd_w
Chapters (13)
I'll be back with a more in depth review, but first impressions are very good. If you haven't already, perhaps you should add this to the World Building Alliance. It's written well, has an interesting premise and has amazing potential.
One thing, are you spelling it "worrier" on purpose? The way you're using it, I think you mean warrior. If it is intentional, I'd explain it in the story quickly.
Probably meant to be "against innocence" or "against innocents".
Thanks for that, being sleep-deprived has its tolls...
I like this
thanks, the next will be up tomorrow.
2752193
Definitely know what you mean. I see that you've just joined the site, so allow me to mention that you can reply to comments properly by clicking on the little speech bubble at the upper right hand corner of the comment you want to reply to. This way, people will get a notification about your reply.
Now, onto the full review. (Warning to those who read comments first, minor spoilers for this first chapter may lie below.)
Having taken the time to reread this, I was able to find a few more things I feel should be mentioned. As of now, I cannot accurately tell if your characters are anthro or not. Going further with that, the way you describe actions and whatnot, I'm unsure about how a wolf is to sit in leather chair, or grasp a writing tool. If you could have taken some time to explain the mechanics of the wolves and how they are functioning in what seems to be an early Late Modern society (late modern era).
This brings me to the part where you enter a flashback with Seth participating in the war. You specifically mentioned the fact that muskets were commonplace to the point where an experimental cartridge reloading system is being developed. Though I'll give you the benefit of the doubt for now as there is still plenty of time for you to explain the technological advancements of the Wolves and why the ponies seem so far behind even in the present when that war was over a thousand years ago.
Which brings up another point, a minor one really. Where is this story supposed to fit in with regards to the timeline of the show? As it stands right now, I'm more inclined to believe that this story is in an alternate universe timeline, thus warranting an Alternate Universe tag if this is truly the case.
As a way to wrap this up, I'll speak to the grammar of what's presented. Overall, on a grading scale of "Don't Write" to 100, I give you an [color=light green]87. There are mostly just spelling mistakes and only a few sentence discrepancies that could be improved upon with simple tweaking. If I wasn't proofreading three other stories right now, I'd gladly offer my services as I definitely want to see where this story goes. If I may, what word processor are you using to write? A few of the mistakes could have easily been caught by Word (Microsoft or otherwise) or GDocs. Though there is always some leeway given to non-English speakers if that's your situation as well.
So, I'll end this with a friendly Welcome to Fimfiction! As a word of advice, I would say that you should definitely explore the groups this site has to offer. Two groups that I am part of that you should check out are The Writer's Group and The Proofreader Group. Be sure to read all the rules they have as I can assure you the fastest way to annoy the members of a group are to ignore the rules. If you're looking for any more groups quickly, checking out others' user pages is a great way of doing so.
Best regards,
~Lupo
2753812 Thanks for the review, few people show interest in these things. If i could ask, if you could recommend a proofreader for me, i would be much obliged!
2753916
You know what, I'll do you one better. I offer you my services as a Proofreader. I have to finish a chapter for another fic first, but I'm willing to add this onto my load to make it as excellent as it can be. If you accept, shoot me a PM with all the necessary information such as release schedule, how much work is expected of me (just grammar and spelling or working on the overall direction of the story, basically an editor), if you prefer to work in GDocs or not, if I'll have editing capabilities or just comment permissions, what you have planned for the future, etc. etc.
To all my wolven brethren,
Please write more? I really like your story!
2770242 there will be a slight delay to my writings, a flood in my house has caused me to...
well, mop up my work. I hope it will turn for the better.
images2.fanpop.com/image/photos/10700000/wolfs-wolfpack-10709372-1000-743.jpg
Soon, the meeting of nations
Ok, I like it, I like it a lot, and it deserves more views!
You should write more lengthy chapters, closer or over 2K words at lest. You've got the skill to pull it. It would benefit the story, and wouldn't scare of readers afraid of underdeveloped story.
2844117 Doing so now.
It's a good story, but there are things that don't fit for me.
Wolf tech is too advanced, and too human. Show some creativity. Maybe instead of flying cucumber you could use a synchropter.
Empires aren't ruled by presidents, but by Emperors, Kings etc., and 'democracy' don't fit in one bit for wolven society. The best form of government for them would be Meritocracy or Spartan style mix of Stratocracy and Timocracy, where leader is chosen by his strength, skills and tactical mind; like in real life; not by how many votes of rednecks he bought.
This is great, just waiting is making feel crazy!
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Thank you for giving us this feedback. As proofreader, I'll be sure to try and work in your concerns without the story requiring an entire rewrite. We are working on the technology concern, but as for the government (I haven't checked with arkman575 on this yet), it seems as if the Empire was disbanded and they now operate on a new system of government. Hopefully, we will be explaining this in more detail soon.
Edit: Expect your concerns to be considered from Ch. 8 onwards…
Once again, thank you for bringing these things up. They can only make the story better.
~Lupo
Pretty nice, but I'd expect something better from a commando. Wolf surprised by an armored in clanking metal, heavy stomping pony is a bit too much.
Still not sure about the names. Too much of a Aerith And Bob trope.
did shining armor get hit by the idiot stick or something other than that great chapter especially the this wolf is a killer line of celestia & a clock is so subtle & helps with the heat not on both accounts.
That last scene made me laugh.
3026233
Laugh?
I was trying for serious but thanks!
3026287
Oh, I get it now.
3026295 My first reaction was me shaking my head at Twi then came the laughter.
love the story keep it up man
Wolf Out
This story has promise, but it's all over the place as far as time and tense (an issue i'm sadly well familiar with)
Coherence is the most important part of a good story, I really don't mean to sound mean or flippant, but your coherence needs a few rolls of duct tape.
Decide what age you're in and tech level.
If I understand when Discord was around the first time, concepts such as spec ops weren't really around, certainly not that terminology. As well as the kind of weapons you're describing.
the ponies were roughly middle ages at the time of Discord, explosives as we know them didn't exist. Greek fire was the closest and was approximately Napalm. if you go by human to pony timelines and tech bases.
The flow is... off. I can't put my finger on it, but the flow of the story is a little confusing in the beginning.
Just things to consider. I've re-written at least two chapters in attempts to make them flow better. Your story is interested and has promise so please take this as helpful, not trying to tear you down.
I suggest printing this out double-spaced and taking time to think about the flow and re-writing some descriptions. sometimes less is more (says the guy whose book is nearly 60k words XD )
Eh, I donno, I like the story but I'm unsure of this chapter
3612281
Could you elaborate?
3613158 Well, I get Rainbow going after him and stuff, Shinning too but Twilight didn't seem right. Niether did the ending, I mean if "The Eclipse" is so bad, why did Celestia send him to ponyville? It's hard to explian why I don't like this chapter
Nie, very nice
3640972
Thank you, I should have another out within the week.
Also, nie?
nice>>3653337
This isnt what it looks like! ROFL
3673578
You sound like my girlfriend that drew that picture.
Andrew, keep it up. At least one of my friends is having a good time on fimfiction. 29 likes and 1 dislike, wish my stories was like that. oh it's an alicorn so he's Op or mary sue
, bullcrap. My OC killed his own mother and didn't know it.
I will say people on fimfiction hate new writers, and sadly I'm one of the people that get the hate.
Keep up the good work friend.
MMMMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
So does Seth still have the dog collar around his neck? I hope it's gone.
HEY YOUR NOT DEAD!!! YAY, THAT MEANS MORE OF THIS AMAZING STORY CAN BE MADE!!!
3613381
Twilight probably got told horror stories regarding wolves and its celestia even in the show she makes very questionable borderline stupid choices
i see a war coming and it will be the ponies fault yet again except this time the wolves will win OH i think celestia will try to stop it but the ponies will call mindcontrol or something and lock her up and war anyway possibly with luna and shining at the head