• Member Since 31st Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen Dec 30th, 2017

islandsun


T

Big Macintosh is hiding many secrets. The secret that he is a time traveler, and the secret that he works for Torchwood are only two.

While dealing with old scars, he and the mysterious Captain Jack Harkness are sent on a mission to save a very important pony...

In the Doctor Whooves multiverse, Torchwood crossover.

As of October now accepted into Twilight's Library.

Newly revised and edited thanks to the thorough editor Souri Chan!

Chapters (8)
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Comments ( 61 )

Okay, first thing I noticed in this was the huge paragraphs to start and the quite bulky text that followed. Try to break your text up more- it makes it a lot easier to read. You could have the most beautiful, glorious piece of writing ever, but people will skim or skip it if it's a big intimidating paragraph.

For the most part it's okay though and I'll give a thumbs up if the next few chapters are good.

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Alright, thanks, I will keep that in mind next time around.

That last line... didn't see that coming.

Ooh, Time Agency. Or Torchwood. Either way, can't wait for more!

Mac: "I'm Captain Mac Harkness."
Whooves: "Stop it!"
Mac: "I was just saying hello."
Whooves: "From you, that's flirting."

“We have gone over nearly every possibility and known ailment. We thought that maybe a fragment of her Nightmare Moon personality survived the Elements of Harmony, but this isn’t how it happened before. We have don’t know what it is or how it got to her, we just have one clue,” Jack picked up a book from the nightstand beside the bed.

Since i'm not english, i can't be sure, but this part doesn't sound right, maybe you should delete the "have".

Also, good story. I find interesting that you didn't made big mac stupid (or simple-minded). you earn a like and a fav.
waiting to see how you deal with the pre-nightmare moon era.
keep the good work :twilightsmile:

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Thanks Kork, I can't get everything so its helpful when people point stuff out like that.
I know that some other authors can show Big Mac in a light that makes him seem simple, but it just didn't feel right to me. I thought he was just quiet, so I came up with some reasons for him to keep his thoughts to himself, being that he doesn't like the thoughts he thinks. :eeyup:

I'm glad you enjoy the story. And I'll give you a hint for what is coming. More nightmares and secret cults.

2721163
I'll second the sentiment and add that I feel this story has great potential.
Fav and thumb up!:eeyup:
Also, pardon any typos, english is not my main language.

This is really great, I can't wait for the next instalment! :pinkiehappy:

This is good!!! Now faving and liking :)

immense intelligence

that sounds familiar...

Salutations from WRITE! I'm OtterMatt, co-founder and admin, and I'm here to give your story a look-over, like you requested.

I'd like to open by saying that you're missing the [Crossover] tag on your story. I'd insist you add one, if only because this is often a good indicator to a reader of what they're getting into before they start reading. And while I'm a huge fan of The Doctor's series, I've not seen Torchwood. That being said, I like what you're doing here.

Plot and Pacing:
Okay, so the flashback sequences get a bit confusing. Honestly, though, you get that in a time travel story, so one really should be expecting them. I think you've handled them rather well, and I've not been confused about where or when I am in the story at any point so far. I love the idea you're using, too. Whispers in the mind, subtle magics, Luna—it's almost custom-made to hook me.
The story flows well—your chapters all lead into each other, and each break has just enough of a hook to keep me reading on. Nothing rushes, and nothing drags. The story feels natural to me, with interspersed moments of comedy and seriousness, which is very real.

Characters:
Luna seems a tad cold, but honestly, I don't see it as a problem. Big Mac is deep and conflicted, with honest guilt and ambition. He doesn't get along with everypony, but he does what he has to do to accomplish the mission, and I respect that. The little aside moment in the Apple house, when AJ jumped up onto Mac's bed and wondered where he was seemed particularly poignant to me. It showed—in very subtle terms—a vulnerability to AJ that writers very rarely show (unless they're trying to shoehorn in an "AJ bucks another mane6 member" somewhere). Without anything crass or telling, we see just how much she looks up to her brother for protection and guidance, and that's storytelling that we don't often see.
My only complaint is a small one. The OCs that we see thus far are, well, mysteries, and the strange Lyra cameo sorta threw me. I know that you know as much about her as every other writer: precisely nothing from canon. So you're well within your rights to take her in another direction from fanon as a whole, but I got the impression that her pony form was stamped over a personality from the show, and I don't understand it. It just didn't feel like Lyra, if I may say so. But, as I said, small quibbles. Overall, your characterization is phenomenal.

WTF-Inducing Moments:
Okay, I really, REALLY have to bring this up. Why, for the love of Celestia, did you feel the need to make Big Mac enamored of his sister? Is that really necessary? I'll give you a hint: no, it's not. You could have used any other mare to equal effect, especially if it's one close to the Apple family as a whole, one who would be looked at as family. Familial love can be just as strong as romantic (sometimes moreso), and this... (I'm trying not to say anything like "repugnant," but it's a near thing) deviant romantic angle is a shock that I don't think your writing needs, because it stands head-and-shoulders above most writing on FiMFic on its own merits.

Room To Grow:
I know this can often sound like a condescending question, but I ask it honestly: Is English your primary language? I ask because while your grammar, spelling, and mechanics are almost flawless, there are parts that just don't feel natural. This is a common trope of writers who have English as a secondary language, so I'm just throwing it out there.
Luna, we all know, speaks in King James Version (depending on your fanon interpretation, of course), and I actually thought you could have dialed it up a bit on her dialogue. For that, though, you'd really have to either read the Bible, something that came off a Gutenberg press, or Shakespeare to get a feel for it. The rest of the cast's dialogue is good, but there's just a few points in the narrative where I pause briefly, catching an odd wording, or a sentence that's just not quite right.

He was here for matters of the greatest importance! That was what he told himself.

This is one. Exclamation points are generally reserved for dialogue, not narrative, and I feel like it would flow better if you combined these into a single sentence, broken up with an em dash or a comma and a conjunctive phrase such as "...importance, or at least that was what..."
For reference, you should never, ever start a sentence with "But" in narrative. It's forgivable in dialogue, because we all do that and you want to sound natural, but not in prose.
On that same vein, I think now that most of the points where I trip up in reading are because you're breaking up sentences in narrative and leaving orphaned phrases to stand on their own as incomplete sentences. If I were the editor, I'd encourage you to go back through this and see where you could employ a comma, semicolon, or em dash to put some of these short phrases back together into something that flows more easily.

Final Verdict: 4/5 Pinkies :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiesick:
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Closing Remarks:
Well, I gotta admit, you've got quite a story in the works here. I don't give out scores above 3.5 lightly, and I've never given a 5/5, so you can bank on that score you got. If you could go through and clean up the awkward phrasings and such, you could probably mentally nudge that up to a 4.5, because I see precious few places where your story is flawed in any significant way.
I only know Jack from the primary Who series, but I like what you've done with him so far here, and I feel like he fits in decently with the ponyverse cast. I feel like the crossover elements are subtle and supporting a larger story, which is amazing to read; instead of a story existing to show off the writer's knowledge of another storyverse, which is why crossovers are often such a chore to read and review.
Keep up what you're doing, and happy writing!

- OtterMatt, WRITE Co-Founder and Composer Laureate
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I am the Great Intelligence.

Yup, sh*t just got real. :pinkiegasp:

Hm, hm, hm I must say my good sir I like what I see so far. But there is one thing that seems to be nagging me. His Grandfather was named Johnny Smith eh:trixieshiftright:? Johnny Smith, John Smith ( wait a second:rainbowderp:), The Doctor:pinkiegasp:! Nahhh alright I've had my fun, off to chapter two!

Yours Truly Thecakedevil.

Alright comrade I have to ask before I go any further. Why does Big Mac have a thing for Apple Jack?
I mean the big guy is a strapping young colt, I wouldn't even care if you pared him up with Jack, but his own sister. It gives me the willies is all. Enough of my bitching (pardon my French), it's your story and this was a great chapter and the action kicked in at just the right time. My only two problems (aside from the one up top) is where did they get guns:rainbowhuh: and now I actually need to watch Torchwood:facehoof:(not that that's a problem it's just it should have been done already).

Yours Truly Thecakedevil.

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Sorry about that, its a personal thing. :twilightsheepish:

If you had seen Torchwood you would probably understand the necessity for firearms. However I would not recommend Torchwood unless you are alright with a lot of sex, gay sex, swearing, drugs,lots and lots of people getting shot, and the first two seasons were a bit iffy. It's not bad though, and if you feel like it, go ahead and knock yourself out with the sheer sexy sci-fi-ness of it. :moustache:

We thought that maybe a fragment of her Nightmare Moon personality survived the Elements of Harmony, but this isn’t how it happened before.

Oh Jack but Nightmare Moon never died in the first place you silly filly:twilightblush:. After all, the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was fooling the whole world into thinking she was dead. I mean, how els would you explain her absence at the Canterlot Wedding :rainbowhuh:? Or was she really actually there the whole time?

Hey wait a second! Where's Apple Bloom and Granny Smith?

Another doozy of a chapter, can't wait for chapter four, Yours Truly Thecakedevil.

“History can be rewritten…”

Hmmm, this kind of sounds like:rainbowderp:

He called himself the Doctor

I knew it!:pinkiegasp:

Anyways, I'm loving this more and more and I can't wait to see what transpires in chapter five!

Yours Truly Thecakedevil

2893010

Are you kidding , that's what I spread on my toast every morning. This show is right up my Flamboyantly violent alley!

Yours Truly Thecakedevil.

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Yeah, I have fun with the references. Unfortunately I can't use the pony emoticons in the mobile version of fim fiction, but I would have given you a smiling pinkie or twilight. XD
I'm glad you like it. It makes me really happy when something I write can entertain as it should.

The pony she was being so patient for was none other than Telltail Twirler, her precious student.

Ooo Celestia you naughty little teacher you:twilightblush:. I must say this has to have been the highlight of my night, although deep down I have a feeling Celestia is evil (beside the point) it's nice to see her find love once and a while. Pulse, holly crap that's a disturbing back story, and is it just me or does this mysterious devise sound eerily like The Marker:duck:? It's probably just me, lovely work as usual.

Yours Truly Thecakedevil.

Dear Insula Sol.

First off, I do believe one of my greatest regreets would have to be waiting so long to read this chapter. Second I wouldn't mind reading about the first encounter Celestia had with our beloved Doctor. Third, Go Telltail! Fourth, damn you....damn you for making me feels! I won't lie I'm man enough to admit it I cried for a good minute after that brave little accountants speech, oh the humanity :raritycry:. Fifth, Noooooooooooooo!:raritycry:. And finally I require more!:flutterrage:


Yours Truly Thecakedevil.

2943888
Thanks, I cried too :twilightsheepish:

Good things come to those who wait, I promise we will come to the story of Doctor Whooves and the Battle for Canterlot Hill eventually, part two actually. :eeyup: I think it will be a blast :trollestia:

Awesome! Now to anxiously await the next document! :rainbowwild:

Dear Insula Sol.

Ah a wonderful conclusion my friend, you should be quite proud of yourself my good man. I look forward to the next installment.


Yours Truly Thecakedevil.

Paint me impressed, this was amazing, this thing could very well stand as its own stoey, and yet its just the first of three.
You are really good, can't wait for the seccond chapter.
:ajsmug::eeyup:

2993316

Thanks :twilightblush:

Part two should probably be up sometime in september, and I think it may end up being even better than part one. :eeyup:

Great story lad. I was unable to tear myself from it until I read it all. The ending was very touching. Good job. :ajsmug:

NOW GET TO WRITING! :flutterrage: We need part two! :eeyup:

Right so I said I would get someone else to do it but I just decided to force myself to look past the one thing I didn't like and continued onward. Probably should've done that in the first place but I've already explained my reasons. Anyway other then the one little bit in the beginning that really bugged me I found this enjoyable. OC's were used properly and were not Sue's but rather felt like actual characters in the show. The plot was interesting and enjoyable. Anyway have from freshly steamed approval:

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I apologize for the rather biased judgment of this at first. I still don't dig the subliminal incest but I'll look past it since hey it's not my story. Hope you can accept my apology and this ribbon.

3329501
Thank you!
I've have been anxious about this for a long time now. And now I'm really, really happy! Thank you for giving me a second chance. :pinkiehappy:

Okay, that was a pretty awesome story!
Will you post an update when the next story is ready?

3365984
I am actually finishing the first chapter tonight, and it'll just be a couple more days of proofreading and editing before Chapter One, "Just Another Day on the Job" comes out. :pinkiehappy:

I'm super happy you liked it and I hope I can make the next story even better!

And yes, I will post an update.

Hello again, my friend. OtterMatt is back, though no longer as a member of WRITE. I'm glad to see this story finished, and in honor of the 50th anniversary celebration of all things Doctor-related (and, you know, because you asked...), I shall review this story again in its completed form.

Mechanics
Okay, there's a few typos here and there. I'm pretty sure I saw a couple of to/too mismatches, and at least three times you spelled "salutations" without the second "t". Overall, the mechanics of writing are sound, though. I don't see a ton of orphaned sentences scattered about, commas are basically all where they should be, and nothing really jumped out at me editorially enough to make me wince.

Characters
I said it before, but I'll say it again: you wrote Mac wonderfully. No, despite the explanation you gave me before, I still don't think the ship tease between Mac and his sister is necessary or helpful to the story, but I choose to ignore those parts and simply read it as familial love and it works out fine, and just as strongly. Glossing over that, though, Mac has some real, deep, significant issues as a result of this story, and seeing them before the explanation was a bit jarring at first, but man do I get it now. The scene of him breaking down with Celestia was gold, dude. Solid gold. While you can add this story to the list of thousands jossed by the season 4 premiere, I like your reasoning for Nightmare Moon's rise more than Studio B's. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense overall, really, just because the Nightmare seems like a third wheel to an already tense conflict, and the Nightmare comes off like a bit of an afterthought.

Plot
I was absolutely right before about needing the [Crossover] tag, because this is a full-on crossover, and the best kind: one where I don't really need to know everything about either world to enjoy it. The GI turns out to be a fantastic villain, I just sorta wish we'd gotten a bit more run-up, but I understand that it's very hard (if not unfeasible) to do so when our story is centered so strongly around Mac's perspective. Inserting Mac so strongly into the story that we all think we know was a genius move. As I said before, I loved this version of events.

Storytelling
This is a hard category to score for, because it reflects the most strongly on you yourself as the writer. I think you've done a fantastic job finding your narrative voice, and you really seem to have a good grasp of writing emotionally. I'd like to see you take a little bit of practice on writing action scenes in the future, just to hone those skills. It's actually quite hard to write constant action and keep it readable. Yours is good; I'd like to see if you can make it awesome.

Conclusion
All in all, I'm actually really trying to be harsh on you, just because I don't want what may be one of the last reviews I ever do to simply be a pat on the back or a candy-floss comment: all fluff and no substance. To be perfectly frank, I think your story is fantastic. Is it perfect? Of course not, and I think highly enough of you as a writer to assume that you'll be able to improve and find those areas as you go. Is it the best crossover I've ever read? Not really, even though crossovers aren't my thing, frankly. I can think of one, maybe two crossovers in the Whoniverse that I'd put above yours. While that might bar you from earning a perfect 10 from me, it should speak extremely highly of your work as well.

While I am a bit sad that I've cut ties with WRITE and the fandom in general, I'm extremely proud to offer you this review, thankful that I got the chance to do so, and I wish you the best of luck in the future.

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(The OtterMatt Scoring System)

Oooh, mysterious.

First, great set up, Big Mac's got feelings about dead John Hart. Second, OH MY GOSH. Big Mac is 1/4th Time lord, meaning that Apple Bloom is the Doctor's granddaughter, which means she's Susan Foreman, which makes Applejack the Doctor's Wife's Granddaughter's Sister!

Third, this feels like James Bond meets Doctor Who meets one of those "search your feelings after you killed someone" movies.
Fourth, This chapter is really good for a first try, it makes me want to continue.

EXPLODING LAND MINE ATTACK!

GAS MASK EQUIPPED! INFRARED GOGGLES EQUIPPED! BULLET PROOF VEST EQUIPPED!

This chapter is surprisingly not confusing at all. These flashbacks are really nice, and the mention of travelling to different worlds gives Big Mac all the experience of inter dimensional travel, in about three days, which is roughly equal to that of an average Doctor Who Companion. Also, time travelling, technically needed Big Mac because he's stuck with a piece of hardware for secret spy agency is like that TV show Chuck.

Also, WHY YOU SHIP BIG MAC AND APPLEJACK!?!?!?! WHY!?!? ALL MY RESPECT FOR YOU, SHOT. Through the heart.

But overall, very good chapter, good transitions and emotional flashbacks, explaining very well.

POWER UP TO LEVEL THREE! EQUIP GATLING GUN! RAPID FIRE BULLET STORM!

3553267

ITS SUPER EFFECTIVE!

And yeah, Sorry about that. It seemed like a much better idea when I started and if I was to rewrite this story I would probably leave it out. I kinda have a thing for incest feels, even though a lot have people say they don't like it. :twilightblush: As it stands I am kind of committed to it now.

But don't worry, you probably won't have to deal with that aspect of the story very much after this chapter. And it probably wont be much of a spoiler to say that they don't actually get a romantic relationship

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HOWITZER DESTROYS BULLET STORM! CRITICAL WOUNDS INFLICTED!

This third chapter is short, but it clearly sets up the rest of the story with Big Mac having been at Nightmare Moon's rise. Reading the chapter reminded me of House, an episode of Teen Titans where a really old book shows a character being part of a historic ancient battle after time travel.

Also: whisper, whisper, whisper.

Also, Applejack having a dream is either foreshadowing or just a nightmare. Better be the former.

INITIATE NANOGENES! BEGIN HEALING! DIGIVOLE INTO... GAS MASK ZOMBIES! ATTACK!

The end there was one hell of a plot twist. Hooked!

OH GOD THE VOMIT BURNS! MY EYES!

Rainbow Unicorn Vomit!

Your OCs have weird names. Just saying. Nightaura Vortex is a unicorn name that sounds dark and mysterious, whooo~.

Anyways, setting something up, I see. Introduction of a pompous dude whose name later becomes synonymous with creepy in Equestria. Five bucks says he either dies or is the bad guy. The Nightmare Knights will probably result in becoming a holiday, and Princess Luna decides to fester in bad thoughts instead of seeking therapy.

Big Mac and Jack just spent several days waiting for something to happen.

Also, that dude from WRITE agrees with me about the ship you took. Kinda unnecessary, makes you lose people, etc.

This chapter is all about setup, and I hope the action lives up to it.

SUMMON ANTACID PILLS! VOMIT NEUTRALIZED!

MONKEY STORM MANEUVER! BANANAS EATEN!

I called it! Everfree is going to die, Nightmare Moon is the great intelligence, and since this was made after series 7 of Doctor Who, there is a 97% chance of Clara Oswald appearing.

OHMYGOSH Great intelligence. Check. Creepy dude who killed family. Check. Some large group mind controlled. Check. Blatant unneeded Shipping. Check. ALIENS. Check. This is the average Torchwood plot.

I am honestly kind of weird about this chapter. It's knd of... ehh~:ajbemused::trixieshiftright:, now that I know the enemy, the cool mystery is kind of gone. Which means the "whispers" are the Whisper men, or Whisper Ponies. It also means the Elements of Harmony rainbow blasted the Great Intelligence and freeing Luna. It's just... somehow, some character shown or will be shown is Clara, and I feel like I'm just waiting for her.

LOAD BANANA CANNON! AIM! FIRE!

3643046

*GASP* such assumptions. Tell you what, once you read the next chapter, I'll go ahead and recap which ones where wrong and which ones were right.

It otta be good.
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And now that you mention it, the story does feel like the plot of an average torchwood episode.

Hmm, I never thought of the idea of Big Mac as a secret agent.

That's pretty clever!

Of course I went with a human...That's intellect for ya!

SUNDAE SCRAPS RETRIEVED

Big Mac/Jack shipping.

I feel sad now. This is Torchwood, where a bunch of nice, innocent people die. :fluttercry:

*Sigh* :ajbemused:

SUMMON SUNDAE SWORD! EN GARDE!

3751603
So, *clears throat* I did promise to review your predictions.

As of yet, Everfree is still alive, The Great Intelligence has established that he is not Nightmare Moon, no whisper ponies or Clara Oswald, and, if your in the mood for some mild spoilers The elements of harmony didn't fight the great intelligence in the first episodes of fim .

There is one prediction though, that was spot on, Nightaura Vortex is both evil and dead.

Do you feel the story is alright without Clara's appearance? I did diverge from Doctor Who canon in terms of events a bit when I wrote this.

SWORD BLOCKS PROJECTILE BLOOD LIKE A LIGHT-SABER! AARGH! A PROJECTILE HAS STRUCK!

And so the marvelous tale of SAM:W comes to an end. Luna-->Great Intelligence-->Luna-->Great Intelligence-->Nightmare Moon. The sad part about this is that because this resembles a "history" episode of Doctor Who, the ending is set, which leads to running around and doing everything exactly (or at least what is known) about the scenario. X-person will always die to Y-bad person, Z-empire will always fall in 10XX AD. At first it seemed like Nightmare Moon was the GI, but in actuality, NM was Luna's Second alternate personality, which defeats GI and suppresses L.

A solid ending, leading up into SAM:TSoC, although I am am still waiting for the Doctor to appear. That bit about repairing Luna using psychic paper to delete NM and GI was confusing, though. When did the rewrite happen? I'm also confused as to how that fits into the MLP:FIM timeline.

I like acronyms.

It was a good story overall, albeit greatly resembled a normal "history meets aliens!" episode of the best Doctor ever.

MY HEART! OUR BLOOD TYPES ARE INCOMPATIBLE! I'M MELTING!!! :pinkiesick::raritydespair:

4025312
Thanks for all the feedback, it's been great.

The rewrites were done in September and October I think, and this story itself is set somewhere during season one of FIM, a few days before Discord is released.

Also, I guess I was kind of going for a Doctor Who history episode.

I hope it's alright that I did a dramatic reading of this chapter. http://youtu.be/X3I5teU4CBk If not, I can always take it down. :ajsmug:

4702644
It's great! A great honor, thank you. But unfortunately, that video is marked as private and I would love to see it, if that's alright.

Dear Insula Sol,

Congratulations! Oh I am so happy for you my friend, I looked on my youtube account and I rushed right over her, only to discover you already knew v.v But anyways congrats again!!!

Yours Truly, The Cake Devil.

P.S. I was wondering if you might be interested in doing a little edditing for a very very special person to me , let me know.:pinkiehappy:

4713085
I might be able to help. Who needs the editing?

This review is brought to you by Zero Punctuation Reviews

So after I had finished playing video games and doing things to myself which always ended in a lot of self shame, I decided to go and read this fanfic about Big Mac called Secret Agent Macintosh: Whispers.

I would tell you what the story is about, if I would KNEW that. Fact is, I had no idea what this story was trying to be.

One one hand we have the adventure arc, with Big Mac being a secret agent (don’t question it) but with a lot of backstory at the beginning, which isn’t a good idea for a fanfic. The first chapters of this story were just so boring! It was like I was listening to history classes.

Now, another story would have waited with giving all the info, because it turns off a lot of people. But because I have to do this so that I can pay for my sugar addiction, like I’m George W. Bush but with sugar, I have to continue this

And then we have another arc: Big Mac’s love for Applejack. With other words: incest. Now, incest can work in some stories, but it feels really out of place in this story, mainly because this is an adventure story. Doesn’t quite fit, like a underappreciated penis doesn’t fit in with a lesbo club

So after two chapters that bored me to death, we get the actual mission Big Mac is being sent on. It appears Luna hasn’t woken up in days and has some kind of nightmares

So far I haven’t seen anything that stands out, and I did not read further than chapter 3. But really, what do you expect? With all the backstory and info we got, I find it a wonder if anybody comes so far. You know the feeling of too much info? That feeling when your friend talks about how he took the biggest shit ever? That kind of feeling has this story. To much info in too little time

To give props where props needed, he does know how to portray Big Mac in this story. Then again, looking at the pony who only says things like NOPE and EYUPPE, that isn’t a hard thing to do. Add to that fact that the story isn’t very clear on WHY Big mac is a secret agent, and you see that it isn’t handled as flawless as first apparent, like a big apple that looks delicious when you look at it from a distance, but up close you realize it is actually a pear

Surprisingly, there isn’t much else to say about this fic. Now, back to the thing that will end in a lot of self shame

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