Secret Agent Macintosh: Whispers

by islandsun

The Watchers

Chapter Four
The Watchers

Dear Everypony,

Sorry about having to take off like this, I just found out last night that I had to go, and I didn’t want to bother anypony. Don’t worry, I’m fine, and I should be back soon. I got a letter last night from an old friend in a bit of trouble. It should only be a couple days.

Applejack might have to take the plow into town to get it fixed, and if you need it there should be enough bits in the second drawer of my nightstand. That is unless Granny Smith remembered how to use that screwdriver and yarn. And tell Applebloom good morning for me before she goes to school.

Love,
Big Macintosh

“Well…what do ya’ suppose this is ‘bout?” asked Applejack as she rubbed her tired eyes as if she was trying to rub out the memory of her nightmare.

Granny Smith and Applebloom peered around Applejack’s shoulder to read the letter.

“What friend is Big Mac talking about, Applejack?” asked Applebloom, curious. She never saw her big brother with anypony they didn’t know.

“I don’t know Applebloom, but ya’ have to get ready for school.”

“Must be off to see some mare…” muttered Granny Smith as she went off to the pantry to make breakfast.

“When has anypony ever seen Big Macintosh, in his right mind, going after mares, or anypony for that matter?” asked Applejack, trying to think back.

“Eh! They get crafty at his age,” said Granny Smith as she found the flour.

“I just hope he’s alright. It ain’t like him to run off like this,” said Applejack.

“Have some faith in your brother. He can stand on his own four hooves better than most stallions.”

Applejack smiled and nodded in agreement. “I just hope he comes back soon. Last time something like this happened, he came back with a busted shoulder. And…it feels weird not hav’n him around.”

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Meanwhile…one thousand and one years ago…

The interior castle walls were built from a dull grey rock. To escape the dreary normalness of the other walls, the room with the long dining table was covered with the most beautiful, majestic and masterfully crafted tapestries imaginable.

The left half had a scheme of bright colors, an assortment of yellows, whites, oranges, and pinks. While the right half had a darker scheme with black, navy blue, but accented with the sparkles and noble silver of the moon and stars.

One half belonged in the honor of the Princess of the Sun, the other, in the honor of the Princess of the Moon.

Beside the tapestries there was a stained glass window at the very end of the room, opposite the door. It depicted the Royal Sisters themselves, in the same fashion as the famous flag of Equestria.

There were three ponies sitting at the grand wooden table. Princess Luna sat at the far end, closest to the door, and Princess Celestia sat on the opposite end, closest to the stained glass window.

The last pony was not alicorn like the other two, nor was he royalty, and nor was he famous to history.

He had a rather scruffy violet mane, and a sepia brown coat, over which he wore his simple black vest. His was wearing a tiny pair of spectacles over his eyes, and he had to periodically push them back up his nose because he looked down far too often.

His cutie mark was two intertwined quills, similar to the two quills he kept in the left side pocket of his vest.

He sat close to Celestia, on her right hand side, but spent most of his time looking down at his meal.

For most ponies dusk was an odd time to be having diner, however, it was the best time for the two princesses of the diarchy to be together before they exchange their duties.

“Well then, sister dearest, how went the day?” asked Princess Luna, taking a sip from her teacup.

“It went well. I was able to go through four more audiences than on a usual day. Nothing particular to decree, and no news of disaster. I think it to be the most normal day we have had in a long time, Luna. I take it you slept well?” Celestia daintily took a bite from her salad.

“Yes of course. Hopefully the realm of dreams will be most entertaining today. The ponies of Baltimare are ever so creative this time of year.”

“How about you, Telltail Twirler? How have you been, of late you have rarely spoken.”

The unicorn paused in the middle of taking a sip of his soup to look up at his princess. “Um………It has been…fine…Princess.”

He put down in his spoon and kept looking down as he quickly whipped out the journal in his pocket and wrote something down.

Celestia giggled, amused.

Luna rolled her eyes. “I do not understand why you wish to have him around. Then again I could never understand the appeal of having a lost dog following a pony around all day and night.”

“No need to be so bitter about things, Luna.”

“I am…not lost… or a dog..,” whispered Telltail to himself. He wrote another thing down. “Just doing my job.”

“If I did not know better, sister, I would think that you were jealous. If you wish to have a student of your own you simply have to ask,” Celestia continued.

“Secretary is more like it, or perhaps servant, secretary, and historian all in one pony?” Luna watched as the little unicorn kept scribbling in his journal.

“What can I say? He is invaluable to me,” Celestia said with proud smile.

Suddenly Telltail’s ears perked up. “Did you hear that, Princess?”

“Hear what, Telltail?”

He glanced curiously behind himself, he blinked several times before turning his attention back to the soup. “Nothing. My apologies, Princess.”

The two stallions in the corner breathed a sigh of relief.

One of these stallions had a red coat, and one had a blue coat .

Captain Jack Harkness of the Torchwood Institute, and Big Macintosh, the farmer from Ponyville, both far out of their home time zone.

If somepony were to know they were there, simply sitting in the corner of the room, they would not be able to conceive how those two were able to stay hidden so long. Their first rate camouflage was all in thanks to the two perception filters around their necks, tricking the minds around them into not noticing the strange ponies.

It was not long before the meal was over. Luna and Celestia went to finish their daily duties: setting the Sun and raising the Moon.

Telltail put away his journal and looked back into the room one last time before he loyally followed his Princess Celestia out.

Once they were alone Big Macintosh shook his head, annoyed. “This is ridiculous.”

“I really don’t see what you’re complaining about. We get to save Princess Luna and get great views of her flank all day long.”

Big Mac’s ears flattened, still annoyed. “We have been at this for two days now. Nothing’s happened! We are no closer to finding out what these whispers are than when we got here. And I still haven’t adjusted to Luna’s sleeping schedule. In fact…I haven’t seen you sleep yet.”

“Oh, that’s because I don’t sleep. Don’t need to, so I stopped a century ago.” Jack stood to his hooves and then stretched, his back cracking a little.

“We have three days before Nightmare Moon goes down in infamy,” Big Macintosh sighed. “What do we do?”

“We just keep watching, Big Mac. That is what we're here to do. Not to interfere, just to observe, and hope we don’t get mutilated in the processes. Would be a bigger problem for you, of course. Though, it would mean I'd have to wait an entire millennium to catch back up…ugh…I hate it when that kind of stuff happens. So just do me a favor and don’t get into any trouble,” said Jack as rolled his neck back and forth, trying to get it back in working order after standing still for so long.

“I don’t plan on it.”

They both walked over to the table and helped themselves to what was left behind. They ate quickly, knowing that the servants would be back soon to clean it up.

“Does it bother you?” asked Big Mac after he took a sip of the lukewarm soup.

“What?”

“What’s going to happen to Luna and Celestia, and who knows who else. It’s just weird. She’s talking so normally, being like a regular Princess. But somewhere, on the inside she is just sad, and bitter, and jealous. And…it’s going to drive her insane. Isn’t that… sad?” asked Big Mac, now looking at the place where Princess Luna had been sitting.

Jack shrugged. “It’s History. It has to happen. I’m not going to say it isn’t sad, but what happens here must always happen.”

Somewhere within Big Macintosh’s mind a voice whispered, “History can be rewritten…”

“History can be rewritten.” He spoke it out loud.

Jack shook his head. “Not this. There are some points in time and space that are fixed, nothing we can do to change them. I may be no expert, but I have a feeling this is one of those points.” He paused for a moment, and then smiled at a fond memory.

“I had a friend. He used to say that sometimes. Called himself the Doctor. Never found another pony quite like him. He’s brilliant, clever, a real looker too, although I haven’t seen him in a while. Wish he would pop up though…”

“His name’s the Doctor?”

“Yup.”

“Sounds like a rather special pony to you.”

“He is. And I’ll tell you a secret Big Mac. He taught me how to be the pony I am now. Who knows who’d be dead if he hadn’t.” Jack munched on a stalk of celery thoughtfully.

Without any warning, the doors behind them opened, and two royal servants came out.

Big Macintosh and Captain Jack froze.

The servants walked right past them, picked up the used plates and then left.

Big Macintosh heard his stomach growl after the food was out of the room.

“Alright now, come on. Princess Luna should be in the throne room by now.” Jack nudged his partner.

With a sigh Big Macintosh trotted out to the hall.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

The atrium of the palace was meant to be a grand, showy thing for all the ponies who passed through it. However, the only pony present in it was hardly admiring the great architecture of spiral arches, or magnificent paintings, or even the expertly carved statues.

He was tapping his hoof on the ground with impatience, his ears and head twitching for every second that passed.

He was here for matters of the greatest importance! At least...that was what he told himself.

To Tartarus if it meant he would be bucked into the dungeon.

To think he traveled six hundred and forty three miles on hoof from the mountainside he called home all the way to this irritatingly fancy town and home of the Royal Sisters just so he would be thrown in the dungeon!

He wasn’t about to wait another day for his incarceration! And he would tell the truth to no one other than Princess Luna. She was the only one in all of Equestria who could have any hope of understanding the situation.

He looked down to his hoofs. They were only slightly tired from the journey, but he would not have cared if they were withered stumps at this point. All he cared about was the blood that was once splattered on them.

He couldn’t look at them without thinking about it. Without remembering precisely where the little red dots landed.

He groaned. “Where the buck is everypony?!” he asked to the empty room.

This particularly stubborn pony was named Mountainmill Everfree.

He had a dark shade of green gracing his fur, and a chestnut shade of brown for his mane and beard. He was a pony of the mountains, and appropriately, the hard worker in a flour mill. Although, the flour mill wasn’t on the mountain, but rather at its base.

He was a strong pony from all that physical labor. And somehow, after what he did, he stood like a proud pony. Filled with conviction, even if he was becoming more and more impatient because of that very same conviction.

He already made his choice, why did fate want to give him more time to think about it!

He was wearing an old saddle bag, one that he desperately wanted to throw off and stomp on. He didn’t need it anymore. He just needed Princess Luna!

“Salutations!! Is there anypony in this castle?!” he called out loudly.

“Excuse me, but, who are you…” asked the voice of an inquisitive stallion standing behind him.

Mountainmill turned around and breathed a sigh of relief. This pony was wearing the flashy and decorative uniform of the Lunar Guard.

This stallion, with his dark black coat and incredibly ornate dress, was a unicorn and Mountainmill could just see the fringes of a golden colored mane under his helmet.

“I’m Mountainmill Everfree. And you are?”

“Sir Nightaura Vortex, what is your business here, peasant,” spoke the guard with an arrogant tone. Mountainmill didn’t appreciate his attitude.

Maybe he should just forget all of it if it meant dealing with such rude ponies.

He almost laughed at himself for just thinking that thought. He had come this far…

“I would like to have an audience with Princess Luna.”

Sir Nightaura looked at the common pony with a questionable gaze. “You want to do what?” he asked, one part in disbelief, one part sheer aggravation.

Mountainmill’s ears flattened. “Did I stutter?”

“Princess Luna does not take audiences,” Sir Nightaura sneered. “Unlike her pink maned sister, she has far more important things to do with her time than entertain the likes of you. There are nightmares to banish, and stars to twinkle, now if you do not mind I have my own duties to attend to.” The Lunar guard trotted with dismissal past the “peasant”. “Come back in the morning if you want to talk to someone who will listen to your sob story.”

Mountainmill narrowed his eyes as Sir Nightaura trotted his pompous flank out of the room.

He waited for a good few minutes for the sound of clopping hooves to fade away. Then he snorted, and began to follow the same path which the Lunar Guard took.

It seemed he would have to take matters into his own hooves.

Again.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

“The night sky is one of the most beautiful things this universe has to offer ponies.
Entire galaxies, nebulas, stars, planets, moons, and countless worlds living in the space between.
Darkness and blue and stars and light. Twinkling and gracing ponies with their majesty for a hundred trillion years before they, one sad, and quiet day, burnout.

Thus turns the universe. Light will give way to darkness the same way the hymn of an orchestra gives way to silence.

And ponies got to see all of it! And what did they do for the alicorn that showed them the veil of eternity? They ignored her!” Princess Luna thought bitterly.

She was lying down on the cold marble tiles that made up her moon-lit mosaic. She looked up at her night sky through the glass ceiling. She thought it was beautiful. Yet, it seemed that not very many of her subjects shared that enthusiasm.

Beyond the reaches of the castle she called home, there was little praise for her, or her work. She could not even count the amount paintings and murals that were publicly dedicated throughout all the cities and towns toward her sister and not her.

And those works would be up kept with the greatest care, while her few memorials would crack and fade with time.

Sure the Sun was important, even though it was but one star, it gave life to the plants, and gifted the farmers their ripe food.

But it seemed that was all those little ponies cared about: their own tiny, selfish lives.

She knew it was not kind to think such things, but her irritation and bitterness was not improving. She could barely sit at the table with her sister anymore without feeling the utter and overwhelming feelings of frustration.

Such feelings would pass…she hoped. The dreams almost always gave her hope. Maybe somepony would dream of the night sky. That would simply make her night.

Sighing, impatiently she turned to the unicorn of the lunar guard which stood beside her.

The room was a circular one, and there were eleven unicorns of the Lunar Guard present. The task that brought them together required magic.

“Are all of the Nightmare Knights in attendance?” Luna asked her guard.

She shook her head. “We are missing Sir Nightaura, Princess.”

Before Princess Luna could respond to the Knight’s absence, the secret entrance to the room opened, and in strode the proud trotting unicorn himself.

“Nice of you to join us, Sir Nightaura,” spoke the Princess, now standing up.

“I apologize for being late, Princess Luna, I was delayed by a common pony in the atrium. Are you doing well, Princess? The sky is absolutely marvelous tonight,” said her loyal knight.

Luna smiled, “We are doing well, Sir Nightaura. Now that you are here, the Nightmare Knights may begin their crusade. We will retire to Sanctum for our own work in the dreams of ponies. The whispers will be gone by dawn with good hope,” she declared, switching to the Royal we in front of her Knights.

“Actually your highness, if it is alright, perhaps the Knights should address these rogue elements who take the form of whispers. They are no match for us. I am sure your presence would be greatly appreciated in the nightmares of other more troubled foals.”

Luna paused and thought about it.

She did create the Nightmare Knights to aid her with the nightly duties to the dreams of the little Equestrian ponies. These were the most skilled unicorns in dream magic of in all of Equestria. Together, they could defeat a nightmare with almost as much ease as herself.

Although, if she was truthful to herself, the creation of the secret Knighthood had a great deal to do with her own vanity. It was not a lot of vanity, just the wish to be admired and appreciated by a mere handful of ponies close to her. But it was still vanity.

“Very well, Sir Nightaura, I trust your judgment. If you feel that you can deal with this adversary, then I will leave you to it.”

Luna looked down fondly onto her most trusted and loyal ponies. “A good night to you all.” She turned around, and trotted around to a door at the back of the room and entered her own sanctum, where should would begin her night full of duty.

An odd smile formed around the muzzle of Sir Nightaura Vortex. A devious and nefarious one. “Thank you, Princess,” he whispered to himself.

However, unaware to the Knights of Nightmares, or the Princesses of the Sun and Moon, the stubborn mountain dweller, or even the most studious and observant student of Celestia, there were two ponies watching all that unfolded within the castle, trying to understand it.

They stood in the room with the glass ceiling with the unicorns of the Lunar Guard, watching as their horns began to glow.

They did not quite know what was happening. These watchers needed to watch a little bit longer.

But if there was one word Big Macintosh could use to summarize the events that swirled about this castle, one word to encompass the tragedy and travesty that was about to occur, one word left for all the broken hearted, and dead who would be left in the wake of events to come, that word would be HISTORY.

The play thing of time travelers.

Comments

[OtterMatt]

Salutations from WRITE! I'm OtterMatt, co-founder and admin, and I'm here to give your story a look-over, like you requested.

I'd like to open by saying that you're missing the [Crossover] tag on your story. I'd insist you add one, if only because this is often a good indicator to a reader of what they're getting into before they start reading. And while I'm a huge fan of The Doctor's series, I've not seen Torchwood. That being said, I like what you're doing here.

Plot and Pacing:
Okay, so the flashback sequences get a bit confusing. Honestly, though, you get that in a time travel story, so one really should be expecting them. I think you've handled them rather well, and I've not been confused about where or when I am in the story at any point so far. I love the idea you're using, too. Whispers in the mind, subtle magics, Luna—it's almost custom-made to hook me.
The story flows well—your chapters all lead into each other, and each break has just enough of a hook to keep me reading on. Nothing rushes, and nothing drags. The story feels natural to me, with interspersed moments of comedy and seriousness, which is very real.

Characters:
Luna seems a tad cold, but honestly, I don't see it as a problem. Big Mac is deep and conflicted, with honest guilt and ambition. He doesn't get along with everypony, but he does what he has to do to accomplish the mission, and I respect that. The little aside moment in the Apple house, when AJ jumped up onto Mac's bed and wondered where he was seemed particularly poignant to me. It showed—in very subtle terms—a vulnerability to AJ that writers very rarely show (unless they're trying to shoehorn in an "AJ bucks another mane6 member" somewhere). Without anything crass or telling, we see just how much she looks up to her brother for protection and guidance, and that's storytelling that we don't often see.
My only complaint is a small one. The OCs that we see thus far are, well, mysteries, and the strange Lyra cameo sorta threw me. I know that you know as much about her as every other writer: precisely nothing from canon. So you're well within your rights to take her in another direction from fanon as a whole, but I got the impression that her pony form was stamped over a personality from the show, and I don't understand it. It just didn't feel like Lyra, if I may say so. But, as I said, small quibbles. Overall, your characterization is phenomenal.

WTF-Inducing Moments:
Okay, I really, REALLY have to bring this up. Why, for the love of Celestia, did you feel the need to make Big Mac enamored of his sister? Is that really necessary? I'll give you a hint: no, it's not. You could have used any other mare to equal effect, especially if it's one close to the Apple family as a whole, one who would be looked at as family. Familial love can be just as strong as romantic (sometimes moreso), and this... (I'm trying not to say anything like "repugnant," but it's a near thing) deviant romantic angle is a shock that I don't think your writing needs, because it stands head-and-shoulders above most writing on FiMFic on its own merits.

Room To Grow:
I know this can often sound like a condescending question, but I ask it honestly: Is English your primary language? I ask because while your grammar, spelling, and mechanics are almost flawless, there are parts that just don't feel natural. This is a common trope of writers who have English as a secondary language, so I'm just throwing it out there.
Luna, we all know, speaks in King James Version (depending on your fanon interpretation, of course), and I actually thought you could have dialed it up a bit on her dialogue. For that, though, you'd really have to either read the Bible, something that came off a Gutenberg press, or Shakespeare to get a feel for it. The rest of the cast's dialogue is good, but there's just a few points in the narrative where I pause briefly, catching an odd wording, or a sentence that's just not quite right.

He was here for matters of the greatest importance! That was what he told himself.

This is one. Exclamation points are generally reserved for dialogue, not narrative, and I feel like it would flow better if you combined these into a single sentence, broken up with an em dash or a comma and a conjunctive phrase such as "...importance, or at least that was what..."
For reference, you should never, ever start a sentence with "But" in narrative. It's forgivable in dialogue, because we all do that and you want to sound natural, but not in prose.
On that same vein, I think now that most of the points where I trip up in reading are because you're breaking up sentences in narrative and leaving orphaned phrases to stand on their own as incomplete sentences. If I were the editor, I'd encourage you to go back through this and see where you could employ a comma, semicolon, or em dash to put some of these short phrases back together into something that flows more easily.

Final Verdict: 4/5 Pinkies
pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw2665_small.jpg
Closing Remarks:
Well, I gotta admit, you've got quite a story in the works here. I don't give out scores above 3.5 lightly, and I've never given a 5/5, so you can bank on that score you got. If you could go through and clean up the awkward phrasings and such, you could probably mentally nudge that up to a 4.5, because I see precious few places where your story is flawed in any significant way.
I only know Jack from the primary Who series, but I like what you've done with him so far here, and I feel like he fits in decently with the ponyverse cast. I feel like the crossover elements are subtle and supporting a larger story, which is amazing to read; instead of a story existing to show off the writer's knowledge of another storyverse, which is why crossovers are often such a chore to read and review.
Keep up what you're doing, and happy writing!

- OtterMatt, WRITE Co-Founder and Composer Laureate
djotter.blossers.net/StorageBank/WRITE01.png

[The Cake Devil]

“History can be rewritten…”

Hmmm, this kind of sounds like

He called himself the Doctor

I knew it!

Anyways, I'm loving this more and more and I can't wait to see what transpires in chapter five!

Yours Truly Thecakedevil

[islandsun]

2903403

Yeah, I have fun with the references. Unfortunately I can't use the pony emoticons in the mobile version of fim fiction, but I would have given you a smiling pinkie or twilight. XD
I'm glad you like it. It makes me really happy when something I write can entertain as it should.

[Inthretis]

OH GOD THE VOMIT BURNS! MY EYES!

Rainbow Unicorn Vomit!

Your OCs have weird names. Just saying. Nightaura Vortex is a unicorn name that sounds dark and mysterious, whooo~.

Anyways, setting something up, I see. Introduction of a pompous dude whose name later becomes synonymous with creepy in Equestria. Five bucks says he either dies or is the bad guy. The Nightmare Knights will probably result in becoming a holiday, and Princess Luna decides to fester in bad thoughts instead of seeking therapy.

Big Mac and Jack just spent several days waiting for something to happen.

Also, that dude from WRITE agrees with me about the ship you took. Kinda unnecessary, makes you lose people, etc.

This chapter is all about setup, and I hope the action lives up to it.

SUMMON ANTACID PILLS! VOMIT NEUTRALIZED!