• Member Since 31st Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen Dec 30th, 2017

islandsun


E
Source

Gilda has been feeling bitter after reading an article in the paper about Rainbow Dash, and she finds some comfort in an unexpected place.

The story readers have absolutely been raving and foaming at the mouth for!

".....k?:derpyderp2:"

-Terego

"I'm rather interested...gods speed!"

-The Cake Devil

A Psych crossover, though no knowledge of the show is necessary for a read through.

Cover Art by jjames10

Special thanks to Souri Chan and Andy Grey for edits.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 10 )

An interesting premise. Always good to see Gilda try to turn herself around.

It was only because of the author's note that I remembered who this guy was.

7-4

Oh fuck, that's my favorite show, too. I think I kinda love this.

As soon as I read "Ying Yang killer" I remembered who this guy was. I love what you did here, really well done!

Oh my gosh, a non-Torchwood fic AND a Psych crossover? You sir are awesome. I can't but help read Mary's lines as a little girl though.

I edited this (not that it didn't say so in the summary), and I can honestly say that it is one of the best things I have read in a while. Keep 'em coming Sol :twilightblush:

You should totally continue this
SLASH
Start it back up

“Like a champion!” replied Marry, now balancing the rubber ball on his racket.

Marry should be Mary I assume.

Anyway, approved by Celestia's Library:

tinyurl.com/llaz5ct

This is MidnightRambler to insula sol, transmitting from WRITE's secret headquarters in the frozen north darkest Africa the Ottoman Empire a very secret place.

First of all, apologies for the massive delay! I wish I could say "on behalf of the group" here, but in this case there's only me to blame. I wildly underestimated how busy I would be with college stuff over the past few weeks, and thus took on this review at a moment when I didn't actually have time for it. My mistake!

Anyway, let's get down to business. The most important thing you'll have to work on is characterisation. Both Gilda and Mary need more dialogue, thoughts, and actions in order to let us really connect with them as characters. You've got some leeway with Gilda, since she's a canon character and we already know the rough outline of her personality – but still, I'd strongly advise you to spend some more time drawing us into her world. You want your story to be engaging and immersive, after all, and well-written characters are the most powerful tools for achieving that.

Good characterisation also requires consistency. End-of-story Gilda felt like a completely different character from start-of-story Gilda to me. Her opening up to Mary (a creature she met five minutes ago, of a species she's never seen before) and her sudden enthusiasm at the end seem to come completely out of nowhere. This kind of behaviour needs a lot of in-story buildup to feel believable.

Your descriptions aren't bad, but they could use a little more colour here and there. I liked this sentence:

She passed at bullet speeds above vibrant grass and wildflower fields, and colorful pony built homes.

This is a good example of colourful narration that describes the surroundings and builds atmosphere. My advice is simply, 'do more of this!'

Now for the nitpicking part: I couldn't find any noticeable mechanical errors (spelling, grammar, punctuation). I did, however, find two rather awkward sentences:

But even pillows can be transformed into brick walls when they are collided against at the speed of sound.

The passive voice makes the whole thing really clunky. Besides, is 'to be collided against' even grammatical? Just go with 'when you crash into them at the speed of sound' or something along those lines.

Her eyes opened blinkingly and she rolled her head left and right.

'Blinkingly' just sounds wrong. Why not try 'she opened her eyes and blinked a few times'?

Oh, and as a final note, it's Roger Federer. :rainbowwild:

Late as this review is, I hope it gives you some pointers on how to improve your writing! :twilightsmile:

Signing off,

Midnight Rambler, WRITE's Flying Dutchman

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