Told from the perspective of the reader listening to Applejack describe the depth of her brother's character by relating a story about how he resolved a conflict between the Apple family and the family of Applebloom's first coltfriend.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 21st Jul, 2012
- offline last seen 8 hours ago
97xxfastbike
I am not a writer, I am someone who writes. Her name is Derpy Hooves. Han shot first. Applejack is best pony, but Rarity has some of the best lines. I do ride motorcycles. Keep the shiny side up!
97xxfastbike
Joined 21st Jul, 2012 ·
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Hey there! Here to fulfill your request and offer you my most helpful critique. And while my following words and observations may be harsh, I hope they will benefit you in the long-run. Seriously.
When I read the description of this story, I had my doubts when it said, 'told as Applejack is talking to the reader.' Then I tried to read it. And I failed. I managed to read half of this before wiping the blood from my eyes and scrolling straight to the comments box. There are two major things I simply must point out.
First and foremost: Paragraph structure. If you're going write without spacing your paragraphs, I strongly recommend indentation. Indent all of your paragraphs so your readers don't suffer a wall of test that wears on the eyes.
Second, and perhaps the most important: Your prose. This is what I feared coming into the story. Not only was it told in a sloppy, purposefully-misspelled way, but it was told as though the narrator was physically there. This is a terrible idea for story telling, in that it's both distracting to your readers, and hard to engage when the narrator answers questions I didn't even know I asked. Your stories can be just as engaging simply by telling the story. As readers, we ultimately have our own perception of what we're reading; naturally, we know Applejack has an accent--there's no need to accentuate nearly EVERYTHING she says, minus the occasional 'ya', 'y'all', or removal of 'g's' (e.i; 'somethin', doin', fightin', etc.)
Oh, and there were several grammar and punctuation errors in your story, but won't point those out, for I'm no editor. More of a proofreader.
Normally, I have a helpful closing statement to my reviews--statements in regards to the way the story played out. But then, normally, I review only what I finish reading. Just know, that my words above are spoken from the heart, and so is this: I'm here to help in anyway I'm able. If you have any inquiries, I'm here.
X-mas-Craine...
As someone reading this after all the fixing was done, I think it looks pretty good.
It was a little weird hearing they went to church - we don't see any in the pony world so it made me wonder if it was a humanized fic and I just missed the tag. 'S no big deal though, it does seem in character.
The ending bothered me. Or at least the fight described towards the end of the fic... Mac's conflict with Cash's dad is basically resolved by intimidating him into submission, which seems at odds with his preference for talking it out calmly in the rest of the fic as well as Cash's dad's apparently genuine regret.
Other than that, I wouldn't tag the story romance or comedy - it's about a romance, but doesn't really contain any otherwise, and the tone of the story is mostly serious.
The format was a bit difficult to read, but I liked the overall story
3617853 I tried a different storytelling method, but I should have kept standard formatting. I think I'll be doing another rewrite to format, and probably cleaning up the "southern phonetic spelling" to make it easier to read.
3616451 I tried to make it clear that Big Mac resorted to violence as a last resort. And I'll remind you, Mac didn't hit anypony. I really don't see this as intimidation, but as breaking the pride of Mr. Ledger. He wasn't listening to reason, refused to acknowledge Mac and AJ as legitimate parental figures, and sent a child home crying from his insults. In short, he was a bully, but I didn't want him to be a villain. After Mac broke through his pride, he probably had a long talk with Mrs. Ledger who helped him realize how wrong he had been. Nopony held a grudge, and they got along fine afterwards.
Forgive me, for I'm writing this at four in the morning. I really liked this! I have to admit, the narration was a bit jarring at first, but it grew on me quickly. I also like the subtleties that you wove in (for example, implying Applejack's a virgin without being crass), and the algebra joke...
The conversational tone helped pique my curiosity about what was going on, so overall I'd say you used it to good effect. Upvoted!
3963848 Wow! Thank you very much!
After the negatives given about the formatting and the storytelling method, I was seriously considering de-publishing this.
It is a great encouragement to hear that some were able to see past the flaws and even ENJOY the unconventional perspective!
3970926
Unless it's a poorly-written trollfic done solely to offend people, I wouldn't recommend un-publishing anything. Everything one writes is a snapshot of who and where they were at that moment, and even if you find something cringeworthy later, it's still valuable. Just my opinion, though.
An interesting twist on the narration! I could hear Applejack sitting in a rocking chair with grandchildren around her, regaling the tale of Granpappy Mac to the littluns. I don't think I could read a whole novel told this way, but a short story is fine. If it were any longer, I'd personally drop the abundance of southern apostrophe-replaced syllables and stick mainly to the easy-to-read parts of the dialect, such as the idioms and y'all, with an occasional somethin' or anythin' for the purpose of emphasis. But, again, this is a short story, so it's fine as is.
This may be strange, but one of my favorite parts is that despite the families coming together, Apple Bloom and Cash don't end up happily ever after. It's realistic. After all, they're really only foals. It doesn't make it sad or negate what happened in any way, but instead make it more believable. However, the lesson learned by the families will, hopefully, last.
I thoroughly enjoyed Bic Mac's portrayal. I feel his actions were very in line with his character by not actually harming anypony but making his point exceptionally clear through inanimate violence. He's the calm of the storm, but that doesn't mean he's a pushover. Similarly, Applejack was also right in line with her stubborn, take-charge, headstrong personality that only Granny can quell with a stern talkin'.
All in all, an enjoyable, meaningful tale with an interesting style. Thanks, Granny Applejack!
(EDIT: Re-reading, it almost sounds as if I'm suggesting Granny Applejack and Granpappy Mac are... well... Nooo, I just mean, don't people call the siblings of their grandparents Granny and Granpappy in a family like the Apples?
Oh, well...)
5495526
Thank you so much for your amazing comment! It is a wonderful thing to have a positive comment with specifics about parts you enjoyed as well as constructively critiquing the week parts.
I see the "grandmotherly fireside storytime" vibe you mention in my story. However, my original thought for narrating the story this way was that a mare with romantic intent was hoping to attract Big Mac, and was approaching Applejack for some advice. "Strong and Silent" is Aj's attempt to talk her brother up to this prospective bride. None of that is mentioned, so it is fun to hear your interpretation!
I feel ya Applejack, I feel ya.