While enjoying the night sky,Twilight Sparkle discovers a friend in need. What does this entail for her friend and herself? Could this reveal a side of herself she's never explored and strange feeling arising? Only time will tell.
Chapters (10)
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Hmmm, not bad for a start.
Descriptions are nice, and give enough of an image without being too thorough.
However, you've got a lot of sentence fragments floating around over here. You can afford to combine some of these sentences.
A couple of sentences could use some restructuring on top of that.
example: Her body was just too alive for her to be able to just sit there
For me, this seems like a mouthful to read, and it sounds awkward.
consider this: Her body was too lively to just sit there.
(I'm not the greatest writer, so I'm sure someone else out there can explain these things better than I can)
Also, a few spelling mistakes here. Take a look through your story.
Lastly, the story just seems to fall flat. Not so much the plots events, but more so the fact that it abruptly stops where it does. This can be a good thing sometimes, but for the first chapter, this isn't a good idea (in my opinion)
So, while this story could use some work, I'll check it out another time to see how the story progresses from here.
Try getting a few proofreaders to look at the story, at least that way these errors wont be so frequent, and you can learn from your mistakes.
Just keep at it, this story looks like it has potential!
Thanks for the comments. I plan on going back and doing revisions.
Remember to indent paragraphs, and check your spelling. Otherwise, A good start to the story.
Midnight Moon if you would please read the latest blog post i've made it will explain the reasons behind those mistakes and missing inditations.
a tad short but it keeps me interested. i really look forward to more!
Ahhhh k, I just read your blog (im not midnight moon) but this spured me to do it. GL with ur comp but good story so far even with technical difficulties
ditto
im still waiting for that 3.9 to become a 4
<< rand derp
ok two issues with your writing that i can see first off double space your paragraphs right now their like
this. the single space makes the story look like one big paragraph instead of different paragraphs. seperate your paragraphs like
this so it looks like a seperate paragraph the other issue is the chapters *in my opinion* need to be longer than just 600 or 500 words they need to be in the thousands! but then again its my opinion other wise cool story
ohh never mind my previous comment *atleast the needing to be longer thing*i just read your blog srry about ur comp problems
Take your time! No need to rush out something you aren't happy with, so I agree with taking more time to write it well. There are other things to keep your readers interested until you are able to release a new chapter so try not to feel too pressured by us.
It's later, and I caught up.
Well, first off, it's a good thing your comp is back to normal (I think), it'll help to clear out the errors in this story. I'd be willing to proofread, but I'm a tad busy at the moment. Maybe somewhere down the line, I can take a look at it.
Also, I would only suggest merging the (part 1)(part 2) sections of your chapters, helps it flow better and feel more like a chapter :D
Anyways, keep at it, this story looks like it's heading in the right direction.
I'll gladly proofread. :)
I'm already done proofreading with tyion (A rainbows burden), so I'm happy to help out with you!
Can you tell me what a xhapter is, though?
Yea sorry bout that one. It was late and I was just using my e-reader to get the message out quickly
Hang on... Flutterlight / Tiwilight Shy with Rainbow dash and pinkie pie agreeing to help twilight after she claims not to know how to tell Fluttershy?
That sounds familier...
http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/09/story-once-bitten-twice-shy.html
While I have read once bitten twice shy, this story is not going to be like that. I had Pinkie and Rainbow agree to help Twilight because of the fact that 1 those two seemed the the best ones to pair up to help Twilight. 2 Twilight always needs help. 3 This story is going to have just about nothing else in common with that story. I can't say anymore about it though or it will give away the plot.
Totally feel ya with the life thing >_> i have REALLY bad karma lately, idk wut brought it on, i thought i wuz a nice pony
Whatever you need to do, however long u need. Its your story, we just along for the ride ^^
Great! Reads nicely so far!
Woot, can't wait for more now. Keep eet up!
Hey if you still need a proofreader, I can help, I wouldn't be able to help with storyline or character development (never was good with that stuff), but I sure as hell can pick out grammatical and spelling mistakes
That would be fantastic. I know where im going with everything, I just need some help with my grammar and spelling
Another successful chapter
I look forward to seeing where this is going. :)
Also, caught one small mistake:
Twilight Sparkle was not one of thse ponies
I'm sure you meant those instead of thse?
~Mazzyrazzy
Twilight looking like she needed to be locked up? Is that a reference to the latest episode?
very nice, I like it
I would gladly help proof-read your story if you need it!
wow thanks yall for your offers. ill put these up on google docs and send out the links.
Hey there BL! Great story!
One thing I immediately noticed was this line:
'As she turned to look at the mare, her very being hurt to see the gentle pony in such a condition.'
I think that should be '...mare, she was very hurt to...'
Just a small thing, thought I'd say it so no one else would have to, heh. ^~^;
Again, good story, I'm liking it a lot!
Do you have a pre-reader? i noticed quite a few spelling errors.
Nevertheless i really like this story! Keep it up!
16958 actually her very being hurt is what he wanted let me put it in another phrase it shook her to her very being hes useing it like twilights core or center now that thats out of the way thank you for another chapter this world really needs more flutter sparkle
Thank yall for the comments. As for a pre-reader, I still do not have one. After I finish this story, which will be soon, I plan on going through and editing it a bunch. If any of yall want to be involved with that, just message me.
This story is surprisingly well-paced and quick on the uptake. I like the short passages because it makes every word feel more important.
That being said: spelling mistakes are more obvious and painful! In one sentence, you spelled the word "wrapped" with only one "p" and you spelled "ridiculous" with the first "i" replaced incorrectly with an "e".
I think those were the only two. Weird to be in one sentence.
There are a few jumps that push the story too quickly, however, despite this deliberate tone. Give us an expression or clue to Twilight's behavior. I understand avoiding just letting the audience read her thoughts (which is lazy, in my opinion). Twilight saying suddenly very important emotional things after only briefly understood actions is a little jerky, though.
I wanted to mention that to you for potential editing.
So far, though, everything else is nice and tense.
Early in this piece, "to wander" has no space. Later, "compassion" is missing an "s".
The looks that they exchange are a little powerful, but there is some clumsiness there. Twilight is too good at picking up on Fluttershy's state of mind for someone trying to discover something.
It's a little too close to mind-reading for my comfort. I get that it is more or less a device to push that they have a strong connection, but it might be better to try exploring different routes of sensation, rather than staying strictly visible. You have Fluttershy stammering some, but we don't hear much else on her voice, which has always been a point of contention and development with her character. I would try to spend some time discussing her voice, and maybe subtler visual things, like nervous twitches and the like. Personally interesting would be how you could incorporate a sense of kinesthetics or smell to the scene, lending it a more complete tone. I would say texture, but that is connotative of touch. Though as a metaphor for how you could build, it does sound nice.
Well thank ya for the comments. Honestly this is my first story, and most of it was written on an E-reader. I think before I finish this story I'm gonna give it a serious revamp, because although I like the story idea and the path it took, I feel I rushed it too much. I could probably get in more chapters there, along with adding more story to it to make the scenes less jumpy. But currently my mind is caught on my other story. I will come back to this soon, probably when I have a nice long period of time to sit down and work on the story.
*opens mouth* *shuts mouth*...Totally understandable. Np dude take your time.
that's ok, take care of yourself ;)
Take your time. Until then I'll let this story sit in my tracking list so I know when you get back to speed.
Oh Rainbow, you don't realise how much this means to me. I was so worried that you would ridicule me, or beat me up, or ridicule and beat me up. But now you said it's fine!
golden.
This chapter trolled me =/
But it's alright. As others said: take your time and don't rush, I'm sure this'll be perfect.
Sweet story. One thing that could improve it is -- currently you put about 1 or 2 scenes in a chapter, IMO it would read much better with about twice that much. As it currently is, the length of time I get to read before I have to click 'next chapter' is pretty short. If each chapter was a meal, I'd still be hungry after each one.
2 years! Awhman
is this ever going to be finished? 
3140878
In all honesty, no. I've got another story that I personally like better because I feel I go into the emotions and such a bit better, and I'm struggling with that one. If I do come back to this story, it will be rewritten at least decently, with the themes the same, but the way it's all portrayed better enacted.
3141632 Okay
fair enough. Is the other story on the site?
3143666yup
3144487 Im assuming its "A Cry Left Unheard"? I shall read it soons
ugh...
why
why why
why?!?!?!??!!?
one of these ! and one of these ? is enough to get the point across.
love the story, even the second time
Anyone see this. Only me.
darn
these injuries
These were serious injuries.
cause y'know
broken stuff, more broken stuff and moar broken stuff, is usually alot of broken stuff not a single broken stuff.
When it's on hiatus for six years but you really wanna read it so you hope the person who wrote it randomly starts on it again for no reason in particular