Alone in the Night

by BrainLapse

Light of Day (part 1)

The sun broke through the window, beams of light brightening the room. With a groan, Twilight got up. Her hooves felt like led and her eyes just couldn't stay open, slowly drooping. For a moment she just sat there, her mind still half locked in a sleep-like state. Then, with a start, she remebered what she saw last night.

Twilight hooped out if bed, and began to rush to find Fluttershy. As she passed a mirror though, she caught sight of the bed mane and paniced look in her eyes made her slow down. Taking in the shocking image of the feral pony in the mirror, Twilight stopped and took out her brush.

After spending the time to compose herself, Twilight trotted out of her library home. Ponyvile was a completely different scene from the one she experienced last night. The market was full of ponies buying and selling goods. Ponies were stopped in conversation, the birds were chirpping, the sun was shining. Twilight began her journey through town, smiling politely at the ponies who passed her. Though the town was busy, Twilight managed to get through the crowd with relative ease. She let out a sigh of relief, and then she proceed to head towards Fluttershy's cottage.

After traveling through the rolling hills that surrounded Ponyvile, Twilight reached her destination. Slowly she approached thedoor to the cottage, figuring out just what she would say to Fluttershy. She did not want to scare the timid pony back into a corner, but at the same time she wanted answers. When she raised her hoof to knock on the door, she noticed the lack of activity around the cottage. Twilight paused, thinking about this oddity, before she proceed to knock. After a few moments of knocking, Twilight waited patiently, only to be left sitting outside the cottage. After waiting a few minutes, she got up and left.

Twilight began wandering back towards town, her mind even deeper in thought then on the trip to the cottage. The thought of Fluttershy going missing starting to bring back that sense of panic she had experienced earlier that morning. Begining to fear the worst, Twilight ran back to town, all the while her mind racing through the horrible possiblities of events that could be happening to Fluttershy at that very moment. These thoughts only added full to her fire, causing her to gallop at full speed through Ponyvile, with other ponies just able to jump out of the way. Then, suddenly, she couldn't move.
Twilight found herself being held in place by a rope that had managed to be wraped around her hooves while she'd been running at a rediculous pace. Looking behind her she saw an orange cowmare that was responsible for her stop of movement.

"Now hold up there sugarcube. What in tarnation got ya so worked up that yer practically tearin' up Ponyvile from its foundation?" Asked Applejack. Applejack had been leaving her stand in the market for an early lunch break when she heard the ruckus that Twilight was causing in her rush.

"Applejack! I don't have time for this! I have to find her!" Twilight shouted at Applejack before continuing to struggle against the knot when she felt a hoof on her shoulder. Slowly, Twilight looked up at the orange earth pony.

"Twi, Ah want ya to listen here. Before ya continue destroyin' the town Ah want to know whats got ya so worked up." Applejack said slowly, making sure the captive mare was litening to her and not trying to escape. Slowly Twilight took a deep breath.

"Applejack, it's Fluttershy. She's gone missing. She's not at her cottage and I don't know where to look." Twilight said while she tried to calm down just enough to get Applejack to let her go.

Comments

[Midnight Moon]

Remember to indent paragraphs, and check your spelling. Otherwise, A good start to the story.

[BrainLapse]

Midnight Moon if you would please read the latest blog post i've made it will explain the reasons behind those mistakes and missing inditations.

[PinkiePocalypse]

Ahhhh k, I just read your blog (im not midnight moon) but this spured me to do it. GL with ur comp but good story so far even with technical difficulties

[Briarthorn Thunder]

This story is surprisingly well-paced and quick on the uptake. I like the short passages because it makes every word feel more important.

That being said: spelling mistakes are more obvious and painful! In one sentence, you spelled the word "wrapped" with only one "p" and you spelled "ridiculous" with the first "i" replaced incorrectly with an "e".

I think those were the only two. Weird to be in one sentence.

There are a few jumps that push the story too quickly, however, despite this deliberate tone. Give us an expression or clue to Twilight's behavior. I understand avoiding just letting the audience read her thoughts (which is lazy, in my opinion). Twilight saying suddenly very important emotional things after only briefly understood actions is a little jerky, though.

I wanted to mention that to you for potential editing.

So far, though, everything else is nice and tense.