It was just one of those nights. The stars were out, shining brightly behind the ambient, glowing moon. Most ponies sleep at this time because of the work and play that the day brings. Twilight Sparkle was not one of thse ponies. She loved the night, the moon, the stars, and the serenity that came with it. She could spend hours in the night studying or practicing astronomy.
But tonight she just watched the stars. So much had happened recently that it felt nice to be able to just relax. Being the thinker that she was, her mind raced no matter how much she wished she could just lay back and enjoy the evening. Her body was just too alive for her to be able to just sit there. Figuring that it might do her some good, she took an idea she read in a book to relax. She went on a leasuly walk through Ponyvile.
As she wondered through the town, she felt both uneasy and relaxed at the same time. The dead quiet of the town was startling, but after everything that happens around Ponyvile, it was nice for the town to seem semi-normal. As she reached the edge of town she started to slow down. The beauty of the countryside at night was breath taking. The hills had a wonderful glow from the moonlight and the sky was so clear, atleast compared to Canterlot. All the while she was walking further and further from her home. After a while though, she started to hear something. It was not very loud, but if she listened close enough she could just faintly hear it.
Intrigued by the sound, Twilight decided to find its source. After wondering for a good amount of time, Twilight found herself near Fluttershy's cottage. As Twilight neared the cottage, the sound slowly became more defined. It was the sound of pain, it was the sound somepony filled with dispair. When Twilight heard this, she found the urge to go to the source to find a way to end the pain it was in. With the urge in her heart taking control, Twilight walked up to Fluttershy's cottage and looked in the giant front windows.
There on the couch was Fluttershy, her head in her hooves, her body shaking with the sobs she was emmiting. The sight of this broke Twilight's heart. Fluttershy was the gentlest and kindest pony she knew. What would cause her to breakdown like this? For a while, Twilight just stood there lost for words, het mind racing at all the possible things that could cause her friend to cry. Slowly, Fluttershy's body stopped shaking and her breathing slowed, signifing that she had fallen asleep. Twilight, not wanting to disturb her friend's sleep, left. On her way back to the library, her mind raced with thoughts about this newest development. Her mind was starting to slow down by the time she reached Ponyvile, almost completely stopped by the time she reached her library home, and as she reached her bed she only had one thought in her mind.
'I have to help Fluttershy.'
Hmmm, not bad for a start.
Descriptions are nice, and give enough of an image without being too thorough.
However, you've got a lot of sentence fragments floating around over here. You can afford to combine some of these sentences.
A couple of sentences could use some restructuring on top of that.
example: Her body was just too alive for her to be able to just sit there
For me, this seems like a mouthful to read, and it sounds awkward.
consider this: Her body was too lively to just sit there.
(I'm not the greatest writer, so I'm sure someone else out there can explain these things better than I can)
Also, a few spelling mistakes here. Take a look through your story.
Lastly, the story just seems to fall flat. Not so much the plots events, but more so the fact that it abruptly stops where it does. This can be a good thing sometimes, but for the first chapter, this isn't a good idea (in my opinion)
So, while this story could use some work, I'll check it out another time to see how the story progresses from here.
Try getting a few proofreaders to look at the story, at least that way these errors wont be so frequent, and you can learn from your mistakes.
Just keep at it, this story looks like it has potential!
Thanks for the comments. I plan on going back and doing revisions.
I look forward to seeing where this is going. :)
Also, caught one small mistake:
Twilight Sparkle was not one of thse ponies
I'm sure you meant those instead of thse?
~Mazzyrazzy