• Member Since 17th Apr, 2013
  • offline last seen January 9th

CobaltDrake


"Sometimes the world doesn't need another hero... Sometimes what it needs is a monster." - Count Dracula

Comments ( 78 )
Comment posted by Grey Nevada deleted May 3rd, 2013

brilliant, loved it completly, hope you write even more:twilightsmile:

2522265
Thank you very much. I'm working on several more and I appreciate the praise this is my first story.:ajsmug:

Hey, nice job with this story. I though that it was quite nice and enjoyable to read. I look forward to reading more by you in the future. Keep up the great writing!

2522279
Thanks and I hope to not disappoint. :scootangel:.

Is'nt Storm Chaser an OC belonging to Silentpegasus

2522309
If he is then I wasn't aware. I based him off actual tornado chasers, as its something I've always wanted to do. Its sort of generic name, but I assure you this is my character.

THANK YOU for the :rainbowdetermined2:ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC:rainbowdetermined2: story KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK!!!

:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

2522401
Thank you very much! I really appreciate feedback.

OH MY GOD this is one of the best fics i have read in awhile i thank you for writing it. i also like how you didnt make it all clop, it had some backstory and it made the romantic level go way up. personally i wouldnt consider this a clop. to me its more of a romance story.
still love it though keep it up

always watching from the shadows
wolfoftheabyss

2522934
Thank you. I agree that sometimes strait clopfics just aren't the way to go, but hey clop is clop right? I love the feedback though.

Unless the guy is a human please take out the human tag. That tag does not count for anthro stories. The only thing the tag is doing is being false advertisement.

2523181
I was simply going off the description of the tag from the FAQ and other Anthro fics I have read in the past. I apologize if I disappointed you it was not my intention to provide false advertising. :twilightsheepish:

2523198
The FAQ does not say anything concerning anthos. At all. What it does say is that the human tag is for when there is a human character, the ponies become humans, or if the story is of humanized ponies. Here are the exact words.

A human visits Equestria. Or the ponies are turned into humans. Or they were always humans and so on and so forth. This tag is not required with Crossovers.

People that have used the human tag for anthro stories, and there being no humans in said story, are idiots. Appearantly not many know that anthro is not the same as humanized.

So can you please remove the human tag.

2523236
Alright alright I get it. Cool down man alright?

2523254
Sorry if I seem ranty. It is just that when you constantly run into this it becomes very grating.

2523267
I understand, no hard feelings. I'm roughly new to this sort of thing.

haha i saw what u did there with the scott pilgrim reference. :rainbowlaugh:
real nice touch

This is my review for your story, Wonderbolt Initiation.

Initial impressions were mediocre. Nothing really grabbed my attention. However, I immediately noticed the effort put into polish. There is more good than bad.

Criticism sledgehammer inbound!

After a second readthrough, all I can really say is that this is going to be a tougher review to write than I expected. To sum up this story is just one word, it's unremarkable; it's vanilla, nondescript, average, pedestrian, trite, bland. I know that it's more vague than saying that mammals have hair, but that's really the biggest flaw I can find with this story. It's undoubtedly polished and written fairly well. However, nothing about it really stands out. I am no stranger or neophite to lemons, clop, or whatever you term sexual fanfiction. If I had to pick one story that was incredibly average and representative of the whole het lemon genre, then I'd probably name this one as being possibly that story. There is very little unique or memorable about this story. That doesn't mean that it's bad. It just means that it's easily forgettable. The story is as plain as they come: two characters find themselves attracted to each other, one makes a move on the other, seduction ensues, and they fall in love. I'd almost say that the whole thing felt formulaic if the writing, especially the concerning the characterization and buildup to the sex, wasn't so competent. The premise and story are nothing original, but that doesn't mean that they're bad. There's a troubling insubstantial feeling to the whole thing. It's like seeing a really beautiful girl, but then stepping a bit to the left and seeing that it's just a really nice family vacation photograph blown up to improbable size. Yes, parts of it are sweet and enjoyable enough while you're reading it, but nothing sticks with you.

The sex itself is brief. I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand, adding too much emphasis on the sex would make the romance aspect feel like a cheap way to get the characters into bed. However, being too stingy with the sex would make the romance feel completely overblown. You struck a balance here right in the middle between a romance fic and a sex fic. Unfortunately, this balance seemed to take the weakest aspects of both worlds. The romance feels generic and canned. It's making all the right motions, but it's just about completely lacking in rationale and chemistry. It did manage to get some warm fuzzies out of me, which means that it was at least done competently, which means that you have plenty of potential, ability, and room for improvement. The sex suffers from similar problems as the romance, in that it feels just prepackaged and formulaic, and at some parts, sex just does not work that way. Admittedly, I rather liked how your male lead was a virgin, this being something that I have quite the soft spot for. The aspect of the male lead being a virgin is something that I don't see done nearly often enough in media of any kind. However, you missed an opportunity to play up the defloration aspect. Having sequences where he doubts himself could be used to give him a sense of authenticity and naivete. Also, having your pair talk it through before finally taking the plunge can be used for a really memorable scene that can be simultaneously sweet, awkward, happy, melancholly, intimate, and poignant. Thirdly, it can be really interesting to read about a characters introduction and education in sex. This is beside the point, which is that the sex really feels canned and generic.

You did well by making the focus on imtimacy rather than pornography, but it still seems canned. There's the prelude, then the fellatio, then the cunnilingus, and then the intercourse. It's more or less a Brazzers.com scene in fanfic form. Oh -- that reminds me: try to stay away from applying too many excruciating details about the body parts and physiques. It's more enjoyable when the reader just gets a bit of titillating imagery enabling them to imagine the fine details for themselves. Everybody also has different tastes and ideas pertaining to what is attractive. Don't talk about a nine inch cock or G36 tits (firearms pun ha ha). Instead, use adjectives such as modest, luscious, average, petite, generous, thick, long, curvy, beautiful, elegant, cute, massive, small, short, etc... It bugged me how Storm knew what to do and how to do it pretty much by instinct without needing to be taught. No matter how many hundreds of hours you spend on xnxx, the real thing is very very very different. And instincts only get you so far; they're mostly only concerned with getting in and getting pleasure. I would have vastly prefered to have seen Spitfire slowly give Storm his practical in sex ed instead of him pretty much getting it all right on the first try just by innate knowledge. At least he wasn't a total sex master and didn't last very long. I'll let you get away with some things for artistic license and rule of sexy. The sex was competently done and it was enjoyable to read. Like everything else in the fic, I'll give it a pass.

Deserved praise inbound!

Easily the best thing about this fic, and this is a big one, it seriously is a major plus, is the polish. This hardly feels like a first fanfic, let alone a first erotic piece. The dialogue, the pacing, the flow, and the characterization all just work so smoothlely and so well. If I didn't mention some aspect of the story as being a weak point, then you can include it as something you did well. It's like watching water spill over polished alabaster. You really seem to have a knack for making things work together smoothly. It's obvious that you put time, care, and effort into this story, which is something that I always like to see. I'm astounded that this is your first fic. I really want to be more precise and say a lot more, but that would be pointlessly gratuitous.

Your fic is a good first piece with no real glaring flaws, but showing a startling amount of polish and quality. However, having little wrong with it is not the same as being standout good, which it is not. I gave a lot of criticism and advice because that's what you need right now. I certainly like your story. It's just that I don't see anything special in it. You earn a decent 6/10 flutteryays, which is actually slightly above average.
:yay::yay::yay::yay::yay::yay:

2523868
Thank you and I appreciate it very much. Granted nobody likes their flaws pointed out :pinkiesad2: but I need that kind of thing. I wasn't sure how to go about this so I decided to play it safe and script it like Brazzers as you so put it. I enjoyed your review and I will work to improve things. :twilightsmile:

i honestly see nothing wrong with this story, it's a very good read

2523929

That's the right way to take criticism! I admit that I am not a gentle critic. I say what I mean and mean what I say. Getting a lot more writing dedicated to criticism than praise is par for the course. You'll get better as you practice and find your strengths. Diversify your repetoire and stories so that you find out what you like to write and what you are good at writing. I never would have guessed that I was good at, let alone enjoyed writing erotica, until my girlfriend challenged me to write a sweet romance story that was completely devoid of darkness, which turned out to be a first for me. I don't know how much ponyfic you read, but you definitely should take a look at stuff I'd consider good. I'm unable to name any seriously good clopfic writers, except for Darf. However, his stories can be controversial and twisted. The Descendant is quite possibly the best author in the whole fandom, if not one of the best that I have ever read. He doesn't write clop. I've written three sex stories so far. They are:
* Welcome To The Brothel
* A Pleasant Surprise.
* Blissful Dream
I advise that you give them a read, especially the latter two. The top one isn't clop, but a racy characterization exercise with a brief sex scene.

Eat a dick shining armor :rainbowlaugh:

references found, references found all hands on deck this is not a drill, I repeat this is not a drill!!!!!

that Scott Pilgrim reference was awesome. I was never able to keep up with all of the names of tea she said in the movie. That part was funny as hell!

You do realize that Rainbow Dash is the fastest pony in all of Equestria, so your character could of never beaten her.

Wait! So Storm becomes a Wonderbolt, and Rainbow Dash, the Pegasus who is the only one who can do a Sonic Rainboom doesn't? What the hell!? Sorry, that part just pisses me off.

O•O OMG I KNOW YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think from twitter
The OC I've seen it before
do you have a twitter because I think I know you?!?!?!?!
Great story btw
love it :yay:

2525284
I apologize, I also love Rainbow Dash but this is Alternate Universe so not all the same rules apply. I will however be writing a Rainbow Dash fic in the near future and I hope to not disappoint. .

2526131 Ooh rainbow dash clop is coming(no pun intended):pinkiehappy:

2526604
In due time yes. She is one of my favorite ponies so its going to happen for sure.

This one is good, but the sex was way too freakin fast

2527207
It was, also this was my first fic and I have been working to improve all aspects of my writing. Check out my other stories if you want and compare. :twilightsmile:

2527212 I checkin the twilight one now. you're better with "cider and a shower" But what is this, you replied to my comment immediately?

IF YOU DO NEED CRITICISM, THEN REQUEST IT. IF YOU DO NOT, THIS MESSAGE IS IRRELEVANT.
ALSO, THAT STORY HAD TOO MANY SYLLABLES. APOLOGIZE!
...BLOWJOBS!

Her cutie mark is wrong, and also, an OC beating Dash? Good one.

Comment posted by Ryukn7 deleted May 5th, 2013
Comment posted by CobaltDrake deleted May 5th, 2013

Due to some confusion the name of this will be changed.

"Rated Mature and Sex"

*Reads description. WARNING:There is Clop.*

:pinkiegasp:DOUBLE WARNING! This is going to be a fuckfest of EPIC proportions! More dicks than you can possibly count! We'll see every single posaition of the Kama-Sutra and NEW ONES that were specifically made up for this story. The adult entertainment industry has NOTHING on you, man. You've created the porn of all porn!:pinkiehappy:

After getting that out of my system, my only comment here is: you can delete the "Warning: There is Clop" from the description. You've tagged it as Sex already. We know what we're getting into.:moustache:

Login or register to comment