- Member Since 17th Apr, 2013
- offline last seen February 23rd
CobaltDrake
"Sometimes the world doesn't need another hero... Sometimes what it needs is a monster." - Count Dracula
CobaltDrake
Joined 17th Apr, 2013 ·
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Are you a wizard? Cuz you making a fic almost everyday. Slow down bro.
*smashes glass*
ANOTHER!
2526970
I have a lot of ideas. I also enjoy writing and this was sort of a way to see if I learnt anything from the previous reviews from my other stories. And the best way is to get the opinion of the readers.
The feed section told me that a story was added to the HiE group, and it is a story with no humans. Please try to avoid adding stories to the wrong group.
I like this. you've got more skill than I do, I think this is the best clop I have had the pleasure of absorbing with my face holes that have eyes in them.
2527105
Thank you. I used some of the advice from prior reviews and tried incorporate it into this story. It is more Clop than Plot but it came out pretty well I think. Thanks for the support.
2527110 No problem, if I could write half as good as you can. I'd be hundreds of times better than I am at the moment. You got skill.
Somehow, your stories are good.
I came for
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/28919110.jpg
This story is wonderfully written and feels like I came into a long, ongoing story at the hot part. The sex is great and feels realistic,and the third person perspective allows a very deep exploration. Also, very well edited, too.
Going in my faves.
2528386
I appreciate it and this was intended as a oneshot sort of smut story. Glad you liked it
Thank you!
2526992
I hope you enjoyed it.
Here's is the basic rule for teen sex stories
img1.ak.crunchyroll.com/i/spire2/a226b4468c2299c6be17d9bab7746e261327452153_full.jpg
2528397
Pity it's a one shot. WOuld love to see the story of how it got here.
spike shouldn't be involved in this since he isn't in the character list.....
Love the pic's angle... Twilight quoting books before sex, is pretty damn funny.
2529382
He is only mentioned...not actually featured so no need for the tag.
2531226 ah....
2526992
I'll get the broom
That was actually kinda cute. I liked it
ANOTHER!!
The one and only song that's going through my head.
2537123
You posted the same song for Cider and a Shower too.
Good song though.
2537143
I can't help it. DAFT PUNK FTW!!!
"He brought his up and began lightly running them up and down her back." His what? oh and good story.
2537373
Fixed it. Thanks for the spot.
2538121 You're welcome
2537153 This is for you:
After reading your comment, something just kept me unable to figure what it was about your comment that bothered me.
So I kept thinking, Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger, 'til I got something; An ethereal tone that sends you Around The World solely on the power of Da Funk they bring. Some of us were unquestionably fortunate enough to Get Lucky and enjoy them for several years, compared to newer generations of music.
Now I'm gonna go click your link One More Time, so if you'll excuse me...
2539680
During the Prime Time of Your Life, you decided to use your Technologic ways to answer my calling. I Robot Rocked my way through high school to finally reach my Voyager of destination. Being Human after all has its advantages. There's Something About Us that I can't say with simple words of describing this Digital Love. If only we could meet Face to Face.
2542509 Aww, and I put links to the songs in my post!
Oh well, I know what I'll be doing with MY afternoon!
I WANT RASPBERRY!!!
2543709
That is funny and scary at the same time.
2543757
HAHAHAHAH!!!
Cheerio....CHEERIO!
2543757 Why... WHY did I feel the urge to look down and see this when I got to the "Ice Cube" scene?
... Now my mind is not picturing Twilight being 'filled' with an ice cube... NO... NO IT IS NOT!
2544994
you cant escape. What has been seen has cannot be unseen. 
It so is.
2545012 Screw 'sight', in my mind, SHE SOUNDS THE SAME DESPITE WHAT SHE'S FILLED WITH!!!
... SHE SOUNDS LIKE FLAM OF THE FLIM-FLAM BROTHERS!!!
Well, far be it from me to turn down a referral!
For any errors I locate in my “proofreading” section, you can easily locate them with Ctrl+F when seeking to edit them, should you choose to do so. Just copy what I put in quotations, then edit to whatever you’d like to edit them to. 
… “china, blue bowl,” – Switch the order of ‘china’ and ‘blue’ and remove the comma from between them.
Just pick one and stick with it.
… “writing.
“Storm?”” – You didn’t double-space this part, though you use double-spacing often in the story.
… “She gave a tiny grunt of satisfaction” – A ‘grunt’? I dunno… that’s a bit of a gruff sound… consider ‘moan’ or ‘hum’ to replace it, especially given how sensual this scene is.
… “a loose, very low, ponytail,” – There’s no need for the comma after ‘low’.
… “he thought of as just some easy” – ‘her’ should be placed between ‘of’ and ‘as’.
… “her eyes accusing. “Storm”” – You need to place a form of punctuation between ‘Storm’ and the end-quotation mark. I’d recommend an exclamation mark, an ellipsis (…), or a period.
… “I don't care come over here” – Place a comma between ‘care’ and ‘come’.
… “too hot too handle” – The second ‘too’ should be ‘to’.
… “lecture from princess Celestia” – When used as a title, as you do here, ‘princess’ should be capitalized.
… “he’d dropped his pen in a way that would make it roll…” “before he retrieved his quill” – Equestria uses quills, but quills can’t roll, unlike pens, yet you refer to the item Storm Chaser drops as both. Earlier, you mentioned that Twilight used a pen, but I didn’t think much of it. That said, in this example, you can’t call it both.
… “twenty one-year-old” – Place a hyphen between ‘twenty’ and ‘one’.
… “running a muck” – ‘a’ and ‘muck’ should be one word: ‘amuck’.
… “dropped her quill on top of her essay,” – Earlier, you called it a pen, back in the first paragraph, after she eats the raspberry.
… “wrong.
Why is” – Did you mean to double-double space this section?
If so, it’s fine, if not, remove one.
… “heat filled sigh” – Place a hyphen between ‘heat’ and ‘filled’.
… “touching the tip of it to his” – Since it’s describing the tongue itself, change ‘the tip of it to his’ to ‘its tip to his own’.
… “cold sweet, sticky” – Place a comma between ‘cold’ and ‘sweet’.
… “they would of” – ‘of’ should be ‘have’.
… “couldn't help to wonder” – ‘to’ should be ‘but’.
… “pulling his over shirt of his” – replace ‘over shirt of’ with ‘shirt over’.
… “his head .” – Remove the space after ‘head’.
… “would you mind if we experimented.” – The period should be a question mark.
… “want to here about” – ‘here’ should be ‘hear’.
… “we’re going to quickly.”” – ‘to’ should be ‘too’.
… “too long. So he dropped” – Replace the period with a comma.
… “wing span even more” – ‘wing’ and ‘span’ should be one word: ‘wingspan’.
… “she just just blushed” – ‘just’ shouldn’t be used twice.
(Exert taken for humor)
But really, place a comma between ‘chest’ and ‘her’.
… ““Oh yes, wow,” Twilight cried out” – That doesn’t sound like crying out much! C’mon, Twilight, sound off like you got a figurative pair!
… ““Oh Celestia, OH SWEET CELESTIA!” she cried out” – THERE you go!
(Humor over)
… “racking with tremors purple sparks” – Place ‘as’ between ‘tremors’ and ‘purple’.
… “clothes and spoke “Twilight,” – Place either a period or a comma after ‘spoke’.
… “the not quite melted ice cube” – Place a hyphen before AND after ‘quite’.
… “and allowing him access to go deeper into her” – ‘access’ feels out of place, here… like he suddenly produced a keycard.
… “She cried out, bending, clutching her mane” – I can’t… quite imagine her clutching her own mane. I can imagine it if it was HIS mane, yes, but not quite her own. I dunno, this one just bothered me a bit with how it was hers and not his.
… “his chest her horn” – Kinky!
… “the carpet. . “Don’t” – Remove the second period, and one of the spaces.
… ““Me either.”” – ‘either’ should be ‘neither’.
Well, that concludes the proofreading, so what do I think of the story itself?
I’ll be blunt: One of the things I try to do in my reviews is provide a strict balance of positives and negatives in order to make my praise properly balanced, and to make my criticism feel more constructive. With that said, you’ve made it VERY difficult for me to provide negatives to balance the positives!
But I sure as heck can TRY to.
The degree of immersion with regards to the environment was outstanding. Using food-play to probably one of the most impressive limits I’ve seen so far in a story without having it become neither redundant nor creepy. It was entirely sensual, and you could feel that from most of the items they used. The only exceptions were the dab of whipped cream on Twilight’s ‘nub’, and the literally ‘discarded raspberry’. You DID describe it as ‘discarded’, which was… strange.
But hey, a trifling matter nonetheless.
So the chemistry between one another… I get the feeling Twilight felt a bit less ‘into it’ than Storm was. That’s really where the most glaring flaw, for what I saw, ended up being: They didn’t really seem to have as much of an established relationship than I would have liked to see. A bit more of an internal struggle on Storm’s part for how he could have acknowledged that this could ruin their ‘friendship’, yet either he wouldn’t care, or could feel a renewed sense of vigor at how this could be the start of something better, would have been nice.
As for Twilight, c’mon, Twi’, a bit of acknowledgement, PLEASE! At LEAST say a bit more than you ended up saying!
A little bit of caution-filled worry at the start and the end, yet no real dialogue to show how close they were? And then there’s how the heck Spike kept OTHER PONIES from entering the Library or knocking on the door, what, did he just stand on the balcony holding a sign and lighting it up with his flames?
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_me5fdnjpUa1rm10pno1_400.jpg
Okay, enough of that.
Really, the story could have had a lot more verbal integration to make it shine a lot more than it did, but the clop itself was adventurous, descriptive, sensual, and even a little bit emotion-driven. There were a few flaws, and I would have liked the protagonist to at least be called "Storm Chaser" (full name) at the START by the narrator, rather than just "Storm" for the entire story. At the end of the day, it held up incredibly well for it's second and third parts of the story (first being the essay that they NEVER FINISHED!
), even if Storm had kind've a weak moral compass... then again, seeing how Twilight looks in those jeans, most people would. 
Great work!
That cover art, man.
Those jeans make Twilight sexier.
2545012 now the sensuality of the scene is perfect. But there were some flaws including:
Grammatical errors
Improper punctuation
I would have had them sent to a personal friend or trusted author that you have read on this site before posting this.
2545305 to make myself clear, the authors intent was clear, but you saw the flaws that they hadn't noticed and that is one of the many characteristics of true authors is a keen eye for making sure everything is correct down to the last detail, I admire people like that so if it would help I already have one person willing to proofread my work so, may I ask that you also review my work before I let it go for all to see here on the site?
3397838 I'm a proofreader and reviewer, though I was an author once, suppose I still am if one takes the term for its direct meaning...
As for editing, the story has to be a clopfic, or romance fic, for me to edit it. I don't edit stories such as "adventure" or "Dark", as, since I sometimes DO go back and work on my own stories from time to time, I prefer not getting my ideas from other stories (basically, I prefer only using whatever my own mind can think of; its own limitations.
That said, I'd be honored to assist any way I can, so long as it fits my criteria for "what I proofread/edit". If you want to discuss this further, please, don't hesitate to send a PM my way.
I just want to see authors improve in their craft, and for them to never lose that drive to improve further.
I even worked as an editor on a couple of stories, so if you want an editor, I'd be up for it, 'long as, again, the story fits my criteria for what I prefer to edit. 
I almost came by just reading this. Nicccccce
cool and hot, good job man
media.thedailytouch.com/2013/12/when_someone_has_done_a_good_job-13369.gif
This is quite an amazing story, likeable characters and wonderful clop and food play.
15/10 would clop again
Spike you glorious bastard, you deserve some 'staches
Ice cubes aren't that pleasing. They're nice, sure, but not mind numbingly so.