• Member Since 3rd Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen Jul 30th, 2019

superpony55


Hello, I'm superpony55. I used to be on this site a lot, but I've sort of lost interest in MLP. My older stories are not very good quality, but I hope you enjoy anyway.

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Rainbow Dash finds out anypony can compete in the Equestria Games. She pushes her friends to sign up. Now, the Games have begun! Who will win?

If you comment, you may help decide the winner!

Chapters (4)
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Comments ( 11 )

Feel free to give me advice to make the story better! :twilightsmile:

So the cutie mark crusaders are here? This only brings one question!

Babs: Where dah heck am Ah?

Okay, there's still a LOT of room for improvement, but I know you're learning.
I really recommend you to find a guide on how to write novels, because if I explain about how to make a good story I could go on for a long time. Plus, I think they can explain better than I do.
Here's a link to a guide provided by Equestria Daily.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WMMs8H-GpFIXPsQeC0RNu8V-Cq6uyGl_UERpOUK_6KY/edit#heading=h.6qkzsww2jkrr
A link to some guides about writing good characters:
http://www.darcypattison.com/characters/5-tips-on-character-descriptions/

There's plenty more online; look up 'writing guides' on Google if you want to find more.

You may be wondering something. As in, what the poster says. I'm here to tell you. Here it is:

Just some personal taste, but I'm not that fond of how the narrator addresses the reader directly. It can take people out of the story's world a bit too much, and it's not a common format when writing something like a novel.
But, it's just personal taste. While I think some people might like it more than I do, I think using the 'storyteller' narration relies way too much on 'telling' rather than 'showing'. I've already previously pointed out the problem of 'telling' too much in a story, as it doesn't make the story seem that real or rich. For example:

Derpy saw all 3 of them (including Fluttershy). She felt kind of sad when she saw Rainbow asking Applejack to be on her team, and even worse when she saw Applejack accept. No pony was on her team. Whenever she asked somepony, the answer was always the same: I'll think about it. And every time, they found a teammate, other than Derpy, and left her alone.

There's some 'showing' here, particularly the last sentence when describing that Derpy had asked everypony about the competition. It's good, but this part could be a bit better. If you're showing that Derpy is all alone and is sad, show that she's sad. Imagine how she feels when she sees the three ponies; how she wishes that she was part of their group, how she asked everypony to let her help with the games and yet she never gets a 'yes' in reply. Then write those feelings down.

The way you write the story, it seems to simple, and because of that the scenes are way too short. It makes the pacing too quick throughout the entire story, and because of that it can bewilder readers enough to have them stop reading. Plus, there's so much opportunities to show each pony's personalities through their actions and reactions to things and other characters, especially when this is the beginning of the story.

You have to keep asking yourself the same questions the readers would ask about your story, or you'll leave out important information that will make readers confused. Why do Rainbow Dash and the Mane 6 want to compete? What's the prize of the competition? If they're doing this just for fun, why does Rainbow Dash want to push the group so much? Why is it called the Equestria Games when most of the ponies are just from Ponyville? Is this competition like the Olympics? And if so, why are fillies allowed to compete? Why would Fluttershy be near the Games Desk if she doesn't want to compete?
If you ask yourself these questions and can't find an answer from what you've written, add it in. Don't just tell the audience though, show them through specific details, speech and thought from the characters, words from books, signs and posters, etc.

I think a lot of these scenes can either be merged together or removed entirely. You don't have to show every single pony finding out about the Equestria Games separately at a different location; maybe you can have Rainbow Dash find out about the contest and tell about it to her other friends when they're together. You can show in a separate scene that Fluttershy doesn't want to compete.
When putting a scene in a story, make sure that each one gives new information to the reader and moves the story forward. In most scenes where you're featuring the characters, make sure at least one of the characters (usually the main character) has a problem that needs to be solved, a goal he/she wants to meet or a conflict over something. Otherwise, there's no point putting in a scene for it at all.

The speech between the characters don't come off as real. While conversations shouldn't completely be like real life, it shouldn't sound too fake either. Conversations in real life don't always go to a specific point, and they often play out different if someone starting it has urgent business, or if they have a different relationship with the character. The responses are also going to be a bit longer than what you have in your story.
If two close friends (let's say Twilight and Rarity) meet each other one day for a lunch or just some chit-chat, they're might start off with some basic questions ("How's your day?" / "Had a good morning?"/ "Eat breakfast yet?"), followed some responses ("Oh, good so far. I finally finished those three dresses for that Party in Canterlot."/ "I woke up with Owolicious on my head" / "Sweetie Belle made me pancakes. I was surprised; she only burnt three of them this time around."). The questions and responses are going to be different depending on who's being involved in the conversation
If one of the characters is supposed to bring up something important to the story, like telling her about Rainbow going off to Cloudsdale for some unknown reason, she's going to talk about it after this starting chit-chat. If she has something particularly important to talk about, they might skip to talking about it right after greeting each other.

In a good story, it's very important to give the main character a goal that he/she is willing to follow, and show why the character wants to follow it, and how he/she does it. If you're going to have Rainbow Dash as the main character, show why she wants to organize her friends into a team in order to win the competition, and why she's taking it seriously.
The main conflict of a story shouldn't just be about winning a competition, but also the development of the main character. In the first Star Wars film, the main conflict was that they had to stop the Death Star, but it's also about Luke Skywalker leaving his familiar life on his desert planet Tatooine and becoming a Jedi like his father. Same with this story, we need to see how Rainbow Dash grows from putting herself and her friends into this competition. What problems come up from pushing her friends to compete? How does she learn from them and fix the problems in the end?
Ultimately, nearly every story you ever read is about a character maturing in some way or form, or sometimes (if it's a tragedy) getting even worse.

Because much of a story involves focusing on a character's development, if you're writing a story with so many characters (and you don't want the reader to be absolutely muddled) you have to focus the story on only a handful of them.
Look at The Avengers. There were 6 members of the Avengers, three members of S.H.I.E.L.D. and one villian. They had to set the backstories of each character through several different movies just so the audience can know them by the time the The Avengers came out, and even then the main story focuses on the Avengers themselves. It was very hard to fit all the characters in a single movie while making each one involved in the plot.

And these are the characters you listed being involved in your story.

Announcer(s): Fluttershy and Derpy
Team 1- The Elements of Harmony: Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash
Team 2- The Candy Lyres: Bon Bon, Lyra Heartstrings
Team 3- Lucky: Star, Lucky Horseshoe, Moondancer
Team 4- The Cutie Mark Crusaders: Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, Babs Seed, Big Macintosh
Team 5- Orange Oranges: Big Orange, Orangejack
Team 6- One-Pony-Band: Blue Cotton Candy
Team 7- Blue Sugar Sisters: Minty, Blue Frosting, Candy Turquoise
Team 8- Party Ploppers: Green Garden, Pink Cotton Candy
Team 9- Flim Flam Brothers: Flim, Flam
Team 10- Rich Silver Tiara: Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon, Filthy Rich
Team 11- Carrot Punch: Carrot Top, Berry Punch
Team 12- Cherries: Cherry Jubilee, Cherry Strudel
Team 13- Shiphirre: Shinity, Sapphire
Team 14- The Fashionistas: Fancy Pants, Fleur De Lis, Photo Finish

That is a lot. If done wrong (and the more characters there are, the more easy it is to get it wrong), a story with so many characters can be horrible. It's not good to have a story with a bajillion characters and expect the reader to care for every single one of them, especially when all the characters aren't particularly good. The reader won't care for any of them at all.
So make sure you focus most of the story on only a few of the characters. I recommend focusing only on Rainbow Dash and the Mane 6 (minus Fluttershy, since she's not even competing). You might want to rethink adding the Cutie Mark Crusaders into the competition; maybe you can have them watch the Mane 6 in competition, but if this is Equestria's equivalent of the Olympics, there's not going to be kids involved in the games.
Maybe you can add a rival team who are opposed to the Mane 6 (maybe Trixie or the Flim Flam brothers). For most of the secondary characters like the CMC and Spike, give them their own little problem to solve but don't make them the center of the story too much.

Also, there's some problems when you're describing the part about Fluttershy.
For one, the way you describe it, the movement doesn't seem natural, and the reader is going to find it repetitive.

Applejack saw Fluttershy walking toward the Games desk...
Fluttershy saw Applejack walking towards her...
Rainbow Dash saw Applejack and Fluttershy walking towards each other...
Applejack saw Rainbow Dash flying towards her and Fluttershy...
Fluttershy saw Rainbow flying over to her and Applejack...

There's more than one way to describe characters and their actions, like "Rainbow Dash saw her two friends walking towards each other", "the cowpony saw Rainbow Dash flying this way", "Fluttershy made a panicked squeak as her pegasus friend came closer". Try making your word choice a bit different each time you describe an action; that way the reader won't find it dull.

You don't have to mention every single action that the characters take or every thought they make, because the readers can fill bits of it with their own information. They can connect different sentences together to form an active scene in their head, sort of like how they can piece two still frames of a comic together to tell something is happening.
Still, you should give enough details to give them a sense of what's going on, without being too exact. Where did Fluttershy hide (it's not as if she suddenly made herself invisible)? Where exactly is the game desk? Where did Derpy see the three of the Mane 6?
As I mentioned before, I'm confused why Fluttershy would be walking towards games desk if she doesn't want to compete. And while I know that Derpy feels lonely that she doesn't have a team, why does she want to be in team of the Equestrian Games in the first place? Make it more clear for the reader.

And then there's the way you write sport in. When people watch sports, they do care for the points and who's playing, but what they pay the most attention to is the action. When you wrote about the card-sleigh event (I think card should be replaced with 'sled' because cards aren't exactly a common sports equipment) you take too much time explaining the character names and points, and absolutely nothing about the action involved in the event. Can you imagine football and soccer if all you see is the points and names? It's not going to be interesting.
There's so much you can show the audience with how the sport works.
And like I said, showing a competition itself doesn't create an interesting story. The competition should just be a backdrop of the story around Rainbow Dash and the Mane 6, and how RD learns to led a team on her own while the Mane 6 work together. That means we don't have to know every single name, point and number about each contestant of the competition; not if it gets in the way of the story of the main characters. Does it help with the setting and immersion? Yes, and it's important, but add something if it hurts the story.

One further thing I noticed is that you seem to be afraid that the audience will forget details, and sometimes you keep reminding them of a point immediately after it's noted.

On her way to Sweet Apple Acres to show the poster to Applejack's (for that where she was heading; she wanted to show her friend the poster) , she bumped into another Pegasus.

You don't have to do that; the audience isn't that forgetful and can can always look back to see the details they missed. If important objects/characters/places that were introduced earlier in the story are about to be brought up again, that's when you remind the audience, but only shortly before they come up again.

Also, use less parenthesis' (). Every time you use them in your story (aside from the poster or any written letter or form), there's likely a way to rewrite it so that you can drop the parenthesis competely, like this:

"Maybe, I was going to go ask Applejack (and maybe Twilight and Pinkie and.. well, you get the idea) to be on a team with me, Rainbow explained."

"I dunno..." said Rainbow, scratching the back of her head with a hoof. "I was going to get my friends together to form our own team."

On her way to show to Applejack's (for that where she was heading; she wanted to show her friend the poster)

On her way to Sweet Apple Acres to show Applejack the poster...

In terms of the writing itself, I found some grammar problems around the story, and you might want to fix them up. I also think you're using too many adverbs (angrily, seriously, happily; a lot of words ending with '-ly'). It's usually discouraged in writing because they're too vague when used to describe things.

Also, one more nickpick:

From Chapter 4 (a.k.a. the First Event) Pinkie Pie gave her a thumbs up

Ponies don't have thumbs. Look through your story again and adjust moments where ponies are doing actions only possible with hands and fingers.

There's probably a lot more I could mention. Read the guides I linked to you, it'll help.

2439031

Thank you for the guides. The thing with the narrator I'm just trying out. I want to see how I do with it. As for Derpy, I'm backing up a little to show what had happened. As for the questions:

Why do Rainbow Dash and the Mane 6 want to compete? Rainbow Dash and Applejack are very competitive, they'd just like to win with their friends.
What's the prize of the competition? I'm not sure yet. I guess it's a mystery prize that will be announced at the end.
If they're doing this just for fun, why does Rainbow Dash want to push the group so much? Rainbow Dash is very competitive. She likes winning. I don't think it's completely about the fun to her.
Why is it called the Equestria Games when most of the ponies are just from Ponyville? Ponies all over Equestria are allowed to compete, Ponyvillians just ceased the chance to compete. Also, this is the Equestria Games from Games Ponies Play. One of my biggest problems is deciding if this is alternate universe, with Twilight not being an Alicorn.
Is this competition like the Olympics? Yes, as I said before, it's the Equestria Games from Games Ponies Play.
And if so, why are fillies allowed to compete? Its for ponies of all ages, as long as they have a supervisor.
Why would Fluttershy be near the Games Desk if she doesn't want to compete? She wants to find out how to become an announcer so she doesn't have to compete. Of course, she doesn't think she'll get picked, and she wanted somepony to do it with her, just in case.

I don't really have an answer of why I did the separate scenes, I think part of it was to make the chapter longer. :twilightsmile: I'll probably going to just do Events every other chapter, and I'll let the readers help me decide who wins Event 1, who wins Event 2, etc. etc. even the overall champion. I will look the story over for grammar and human references. I will go back and add some of the sport itself to Event 1, the good news is that's the last chapter I've published! And finally, I will fix the repetition and go back and take out a lot of the parentheses.

Thank you again! :twilightsmile:

This is a damn fine cup of coffee

Comment posted by SpaceCommie deleted Aug 24th, 2013

Congratulations! This story has officially been graded an Emerald by The Gem Hunters.

You could stand to slow down a bit, extend the chapters and maybe remove the narrator addressing the audience directly.

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