Silver_Tip
Joined 9th Apr, 2013 ·
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I see this is your first! May I offer a bit of review?
I think you have potential as a writer, but perhaps you go on a bit at length! Get carried away. With clop (and to be honest, really with just anything) dialogue is important, as is brevity. If you can be short, be short. Save your energy for passages that MUST be long and set stages. Be direct if you can.
Short sentences are your friend!
2399043
Thank you for the kind review!
Yeah, it's probably a bit wordy, but I hope it's worth it for some quality clop-age in the future.
I'll definitely try to keep my wits about me while writing chapter two and beyond.
Maybe I'm just over-compensating from reading a lot of clops with just too little detail too.
Not to mention I have an undying NEED to try to write epic, well-versed clopfics.
This turns me on..huehue
2400938
I'm glad I can stoke your burning lusts, Mr. Morfonious.
Wait till I cut loose with actual sex~
I do enjoy ever so thoroughly driving ponies wild.
Also, thank you for all the support so far.
(I love your hat by-the-way.)
2401185 The pegasus that you see in my icon is my ponyosa, down to the "skin" color, hair color, eyes, brand of cigarette as well the style of hat and scarf.
A bit messy at times (slide/slid, etc) with the words, but- I like it. The poetic style of the descriptions makes it almost dreamy, and I think he sounds like a very interesting character. Someone a lot of people can relate to. Discoveries and explorations-
I'll be watching this, maybe I'll try to post some corrections when I read next time, but just keep a mind about words, and accidental words included into changed sentences. Just read it aloud once before post, I guess? Not sure what is good advice for catching those.
A royal hoof slid[e between] down her sumptuous form,[...]
Like that (and the slid). Other than small things like that, very enjoyable!
2403258
Thanks for pointing some of those out and please let me know if you catch them!
Definitely open to making those corrections.
I'll admit that sometimes I make really simple mistakes while dipping into inspiration.
Be sure to PM me any changes you find, if you feel like it.
Sweet, was totally going for the dreamy vibe too! Glad others can see that.
This will for sure be a fun romp for me; this is mostly based on my experiences with looking into my own "likes" until the truth was before me (and messing with my first M/M experiences)- if a bit exaggerated.
I hope people can relate to it, and that it will make for a truly touching, insightful tale but still a very erotic, clop-worthy story.
I'm so mad at myself for falling asleep in the middle of reading this, I'll read it when I'm less sleepy. I don't want to find my ipad lodged under my pillow again.
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No worries! Be sure to let know what you think of it when you're done though.
I'd hate to see you break something to read my silly little story.
Just read. I love it! More please!
2405117
Glad you liked it!
I plan to have chapter two done by May 1st at the lastest.
I'm working on some big, high-value assignments for school so having more than an hour a day to work on it is a stretch at best.
Overall it was very good, I felt at least, you just have a few little problems that an editor would be able to fix right up. A couple of misspellings, misused words, and slight grammar problems, while not huge distract from your otherwise very good writing. If you need an editor just ask around, there are loads of quite qualified people perfectly happy to do it just to make someone else's story better.
2407286
Thanks, I'm glad you liked it.
I'll be asking around of the proofing groups and ponies I meet here for proof reads for sure.
I think I'll edit chapter one and correct all those errors after I've completed chapter two.
Whew, sexy time wooo. :P good writing, I liked the dream sequence if you can call that a one where he had difficulty sleeping
2603785
Do call it such~
I love trying to write about dreams.
YAY SMEXY TIME!
Thanks for the comment
I'm not sure how to express my opinion of this chapter since I really liked the first one so I'll start with my biggest area of concern in an Australian accent
One Silver to another mate, the buildings give a sense of awe!
The ahhs come later, pun intended, when the adorkable duo runs out of ways to delay the awkward sex, which I must admit to give credit where it is due you wrote rather well. All in all though I did not like this nearly as much as chapter 1 but aside from a couple more errors this is far from a nail in the coffin in my books.
2609845
Thank you for the feed back!
I've been waiting on editors, but sadly they're all indisposed...
I know they volunteered and probably have good reasons, but still- at least note me you're busy/working on it. I'd do it myself, but I seldom catch my own errors; might even make more errors. If you think that initial sex was awkward- Try imaging being all, "Sooooo... I wrote a clopfic. Mind proofreading for me?" To your online writing workshop friends, with no sense of trolling in your voice.
Glad you still liked it, even if chapter one was your favorite so far. I've actually got a few ways I can go with chapter three. If you're curious I could reveal my secrets?
Might even make a poll of where the next chapter could go.
2610315
Yeah I know that feeling, but reveling your secrets to me!
Sir, are you suggesting we enter into an arrangment where I review dirty fictions for you? Because I really need to improve my M/M stuff and the opportunity to chastise people about their grammar rarely comes around if your asking
2611810
Sure if you're up for it!
I'll PM you the Google Docs link.
This was really enjoyable and over all just very well done it just has some small issues spaced throughout. Little things that normally wouldn't detract but add up in the number in which they are present. It's just very little things that overall make the story not quite as good as it could have been.
2617226
Yeah, it's a shame most of my proof readers haven't been communicating with me.
I've been kind of pestering them, but nothing. I'll try to restrain from posting until proofreaders start talking to me again.
Glad you at least liked the parts that aren't messed up though!
If you'd like I could send you the Google Docs link?
2617293
I would be happy to look it over. As it says on my profile (while it's not official) I am an editor. I'll look at it this weekend if that's cool.
2617325
Sweet
I only got through about the first half of chapter one before my stupid phone crapped out but if it's anything like the rest I'm impressed.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jealous of your writing style; it's unique and reads just wonderfully (I dont reckon you could offer any tips on how to maybe write like you do?)
I'll try and finish reading this all tonight but from why I've read so far its really good. Cheers on adding another gem to the m/m genre :-)
2667148
HOLY CRAP! Thanks for the fav and comment!
Can't believe someone actually likes my style that much. Uh... I guess my style comes from having a hybrid of focusing on the thoughts and feelings of characters and trying to be as poetic as possible. I'm really a big fan of poetry writings. To me, sex and romance especially, really needs to show the feelings outside of just physical act. I also was really going for more "dream" and "fantasy" in this piece; drawing a ton of inspiration from my own feelings of wanting lusts and dreams- if exaggerated greatly. If you get a chance to read chapter two soon, I did focus more on trying to relate feeling in dialogue more then wordy,dream bits; so it's a tad different than the first. Hope ya like it too!
One major tip I give to every writer as well is to be careful about repeats. Like don't use a word twice within two paragraphs of each other or at all if you're a pro. Watch repetitive sentence structures (I too still have trouble with that sometimes - "'blahblah,' he says"). It also does help to have an extensive vocab and thesaurus at hand. I really challenge my creativity when I approach any scene heavily too. Lots and lots of self-critique and editing of the flow. If you'd like a bit of insight to how I revise in the act: look here at this edit I did for someone else.
Man it's hard to give advice for my writing in-general, hehe.
Again, thanks for the interest. If you ever want me to proof read anything you want to be like this, I could take a crack at it! It feels really nice to have an accomplished write call my work a gem.
I saw that you said you were a fan of poetry. I just spent the last two hours writing you a Shakespearean style sonnet, only to forget to save it. If I manage to remember the language I used I'll definitely write it up again.
2709288
Oh sweet! Feel free to link it to me.
2709485
Note the "forgot to save it part". But I'll definitely try!
Finally got around to reading this, it is a bit hard to follow at times, and would probably indeed benefit from an editor, but all the same, I just love reading it. It's very different, very dreamy, can make it a bit hard to follow during the sex scene itself, with two ponies, but it's still very erotic and interesting to read. I'd be glad to lend a hand, in giving notes or trying to catch errors, if you need it.
2760043
Heh, I've been getting that a ton. Honestly knew that'd be one of the biggest problems but was just too damned excited to care.
I've got a few people on it, but if you want to give it a shot too I'll PM you the google doc.
2408694
So you'll be editing soon-ish?
Because "It pieces the room" should probably read "It pierces the room". First paragraph.
2785636
Hopefully. I'm still waiting on the complete edit.
oh mai.......
3132903
Is that a good "Oh mai?"
3134722 indeed it is
3138893
Yaaaaaay